We are dealing with my father who has had signs of vascular dementia for a few years as in being forgetful. He has some health issues which has landed him the hospital with an infection in his leg which traveled through his blood stream. He has been so weak, he can no longer walk and get to the toilet without assistance. Up to a day ago, he had a pick line with antibiotics still. He was sent to a rehab hospital where he refused medication, refused rehab and pulled out his pickline. He wants to go home, but my mom can not care for him at home. He was discharged to a skilled nursing center with an excellent rehab facility on Friday night and we have hired Home Instead to have people sit with him at night. He is extremely angry, uncooperative, threatening to take us all to court because he wants home care at home. He is cussing out the Home Instead people at night and calling us at all hours of the night asking why he is there and is unable to hear any logic due to paranoia(we are all out to get him) and/or stubbornness, but until he starts cooperating, it's hard to get him home. Such a catch22. Just looking for advice. I live out of town and for the last few weeks, I have been going up to support them, but it is wearying. Not sure if this is dementia or he is just being self absorbed.

A very big Thank You for the tips on record keeping. I will try to start one tonight. 'Till now I've just noted Dr appts. on calendar. I wish she did eat just $20-25 a week. She eats everything in sight. I have to make DH's next day lunch before we eat dinner or there's nothing left. I've really gone through my freezer just trying to make it to the end of the month for my retirement check to get deposited so I can buy more groceries!! Once we catch up on all of the behind bills and pay off S-son's cell phone,sattelite, etc., (He put everything in her name) we will have a little extra to spend on her from her check. She was so spastic about the warrant for the heating oil bill that we took $$ out of our savings and paid it before court day. That will be the first thing to come out of her retirement check. S-son called yesterday to say he had finally gotten a job. I'm doing the happy dance now! Hope it lasts. This has really taken the wind out of his sails because his Dad made it plain that there was NO MONEY. He's had to figure out how to come up with his own party $$s. She is talking about selling her house to get out from under the payments. 2 possible issues with that. 1) With the economy I'm not sure we can get enough to pay off the loans. 2) That house was built by her Daddy and NOTHING has EVER been thrown away! I'm dreading trying to clean out the house and multiple sheds/buildings. All and all, things are settling down a little. Stress level has dropped a notch. All of you have been my life raft. Can't thank you enough. Oh yeah, DH's Mom (Aunt's sister) has called and gone by the house repeatedly to try and get anything she can sell out of it. She knew everything that was going on and has already been there and carted off everything of value she could fit into her car before we found out how bad off Aunt was. (Such a sleeze bag.) In case you are wondering where we have been- DH was in a horrific accident on the job early last year and almost died. We spent many days in intensive care, had a long hospital stay as well as return trips for emergencies that kept popping up, and a very long recovery at home where he was practically bed ridden wnth me giving him daily very strong antibiotic IVs thru Pic line straight to his heart. When we finally got him on his feet and able to go check on Aunt- all of the family vultures had done an awful lot of damage financially as well as helping themselves to antique quilts, dishes, etc. S-son doing the most damage in the $$ dept. Let's just say I'm so grateful to God that I had the upbringing that I had. Poor DH is a Saint to have turned out as well as he did to have come from that family. Thanks for letting me vent here. It soooo helps my stress level to get it out. Betty

My mom, who was an excellent public speaker, very comical, very informative, clear ... now can't remember how to ask for what she wants. She asks but uses the wrong words ... for instance, she was asking my 16 year old daughter for pepper steak last night. My daughter is no cook, so she came through to the living room with my mother right behind her and called to me. My mother stood right beside her and asked for pepper steak while looking right into her face. This made my daughter take a step back (while smiling very hard), and of course my mother followed her, also smiling very hard and starting to gesture to my daughter while saying 'pepper steak'. We (my husband and I) couldn't help laughing either ... and so my daughter was laughing and my mother was laughing all the while she kept gesturing to my daughter and looking right into her face very closely saying 'pepper steak'. My husband walked into the kitchen (he's the cook at our house), and my daughter followed him with my mother in tow and eventually they figured out she wanted a smoothie. My daughter makes excellent smoothies and often makes them for our entire family (I have 2 sons at home as well), and this is what my mother knew for a fact, she just didn't know how to ask for it. It was pretty funny and we all had a laugh, but when the laughing was over, I became sad, realizing my mother was losing more and more of her ability to communicate. She is pretty quiet most of the time, and I wish she would talk more often, she still laughs with us when she listens to us talk, and I have to be thankful for that. I at first went through a grieving period, when the realization hit me, I was missing my mother, and I still do ... but I have great memories of her. The memories make me happy, to remember her as she was, and what a wonderful woman she was. For now I am happy she has gotten over the frustrating times when she would struggle to tell us what she wanted, knowing that she was saying it wrong, and trying to find the right words. She is far more relaxed now then she was when it first started, that's the blessing. My mom, I am hurt, I am angry, I am frustrated, and she was the best I could ever have asked for ... so I hide my hurt, my anger, my frustrations. My husband takes very good care of her. He is home with her all the time, and when the kids get home from school, he has time to be out and about doing what he needs to do, and when I get home from work we're all there with her and we have our evening meal together. We're as normal as we can be around her. I don't know how else to be ... it's just the way it is. When things get worse, we will find a way I'm sure.

Can you talk to your mother about planning for the future -- more as a just in case than suggesting that she needs help now? In my view, everyone should have at least one other person listed that doctors can talk to. Even better would be to add a medical power of attorney that at least gived the named person the ability to make decisions -- decisions which can be as general or as limited as necessary. Do you belong to Costco? Their website has a computer program called WIll Maker. I used it to prepare some documents for my dad (he wound up not using them) and had it available when a friend's mother would up in the hospital needing surgery and the doctors were telling my friend there was a better than 50% chance her mom wouldn't make it. If her mom had difficulties or didn't make it, my friend would be in a terrible position. You don't want to go there. Both my mom and MIL had Alzheimer's and my dad had another form of dementia caused by heart issues. Don't count on being able to get conservatorship until you are past the point where your mom is likely to have had significant problems, injuries or losses. Besides that, taking your mom to court to take away her control and her dignity is not something you or she really want to have happen. I would strongly encourage you to talk with her while she is still competent and get her to at least list you and/or your brother on the medical information release forms so the doctors have someone they can talk to if she should fall or be in an accident. We all need that. If you can get a power of attorney, that would be much better. The power of attorney can be a way to approach discussion of end of life choices too. It will really help both of you if you know what kind of care she wants and her preferences both in terms of medical treatment and in terms of what happens with her property, a funeral, etc. These are hard things to deal with, but time is slipping away from you and you don't know how much time you have until your mom may not be able to help with these things and you are forced into the nightmare of taking away her control and trying to guess what she would want. If you know what she wants, you have a basis for making the difficult decisions. I cannot overstate how important that is. I lost my parents less than 5 months apart. That was difficult enough, but at least we all knew there was a plan for how to deal with all the unplanned things that kept coming at us. I know my dad feared that and wanted to stay in control, but in the end it as especially reassuring to him that I knew and he then saw me honoring his wishes and protecting them. Please try. For both of you.