We are dealing with my father who has had signs of vascular dementia for a few years as in being forgetful. He has some health issues which has landed him the hospital with an infection in his leg which traveled through his blood stream. He has been so weak, he can no longer walk and get to the toilet without assistance. Up to a day ago, he had a pick line with antibiotics still. He was sent to a rehab hospital where he refused medication, refused rehab and pulled out his pickline. He wants to go home, but my mom can not care for him at home. He was discharged to a skilled nursing center with an excellent rehab facility on Friday night and we have hired Home Instead to have people sit with him at night. He is extremely angry, uncooperative, threatening to take us all to court because he wants home care at home. He is cussing out the Home Instead people at night and calling us at all hours of the night asking why he is there and is unable to hear any logic due to paranoia(we are all out to get him) and/or stubbornness, but until he starts cooperating, it's hard to get him home. Such a catch22. Just looking for advice. I live out of town and for the last few weeks, I have been going up to support them, but it is wearying. Not sure if this is dementia or he is just being self absorbed.

A very big Thank You for the tips on record keeping. I will try to start one tonight. 'Till now I've just noted Dr appts. on calendar. I wish she did eat just $20-25 a week. She eats everything in sight. I have to make DH's next day lunch before we eat dinner or there's nothing left. I've really gone through my freezer just trying to make it to the end of the month for my retirement check to get deposited so I can buy more groceries!! Once we catch up on all of the behind bills and pay off S-son's cell phone,sattelite, etc., (He put everything in her name) we will have a little extra to spend on her from her check. She was so spastic about the warrant for the heating oil bill that we took $$ out of our savings and paid it before court day. That will be the first thing to come out of her retirement check. S-son called yesterday to say he had finally gotten a job. I'm doing the happy dance now! Hope it lasts. This has really taken the wind out of his sails because his Dad made it plain that there was NO MONEY. He's had to figure out how to come up with his own party $$s. She is talking about selling her house to get out from under the payments. 2 possible issues with that. 1) With the economy I'm not sure we can get enough to pay off the loans. 2) That house was built by her Daddy and NOTHING has EVER been thrown away! I'm dreading trying to clean out the house and multiple sheds/buildings. All and all, things are settling down a little. Stress level has dropped a notch. All of you have been my life raft. Can't thank you enough. Oh yeah, DH's Mom (Aunt's sister) has called and gone by the house repeatedly to try and get anything she can sell out of it. She knew everything that was going on and has already been there and carted off everything of value she could fit into her car before we found out how bad off Aunt was. (Such a sleeze bag.) In case you are wondering where we have been- DH was in a horrific accident on the job early last year and almost died. We spent many days in intensive care, had a long hospital stay as well as return trips for emergencies that kept popping up, and a very long recovery at home where he was practically bed ridden wnth me giving him daily very strong antibiotic IVs thru Pic line straight to his heart. When we finally got him on his feet and able to go check on Aunt- all of the family vultures had done an awful lot of damage financially as well as helping themselves to antique quilts, dishes, etc. S-son doing the most damage in the $$ dept. Let's just say I'm so grateful to God that I had the upbringing that I had. Poor DH is a Saint to have turned out as well as he did to have come from that family. Thanks for letting me vent here. It soooo helps my stress level to get it out. Betty

Hi, this is my first time on this forum. From the posts I have read, I know I will benefit from it and have a chance to laugh as I read my about life in someone else's story. I am the primary caregiver for my dad and mom, who are 87 and 85, respectively. Both suffer with dementia. My dad, however, presents the symptoms of sundowner syndrome and possibly early stages of alzheimer's. I have never known Dad to sleep for more than five or six hours before being ready to take on another day. Dad lost about 95% of his vision upon waking about a month after having a stroke five years ago. I guess within the last couple of years, Dad has had to sleep with a light so that he can get his bearings if he awakens during the night. Mom would complain and complain and complain (like your mom) about Dad getting up all through the night, and he would have no recollection of it. That would be the topic of the day-long argument. My mom likes to retire around 8:00 or 8:30 pm. and Dad still likes to wait until the 10:00 o'clock news is off. Mom forces Dad to go to bed when she's ready, and he has to comply because his sense of direction is lacking. Well, my sister (who is as restless as Dad)moved in with them for about six months. There were several occasions when Dad would get up, dress himself (often his clothes were on backward/shoes on the wrong feet), and start walking out of the door in the middle of the night. Because of his inability to see and having gone to bed so early, Dad would think it was time to get up. So, she would have to direct him back to his room and try to convince Dad to redress in his pajamas. Sometimes the only way he would go back to bed is if she would call me to come and talk to him. After my sister moved out, I moved in with them. Big mistake for my sake(I'll explain later), but I was able to understand the needs of both my parents a lot more. My dad and I have been great friends for as long as I can remember. (Mind you, I respected him as my dad, but experienced the love of my gentle giant.)During the night, my Dad continued to get up and insist on getting dressed to go outside or to work. To get someone to assist him with his clothing, Dad would also bang on the walls, windows, and/or bedposts to get our attention. We would be up two or three times per night...arguing! I would tell Dad he needed to go back to bed. He would tell me, "I'm not going back to bed, and you can't make me." Dad would get angry with me and would adamantly state that it was daytime and he needed to get up. Sometimes, Dad would even ransack his room. Usually, an hour or two had passed since he'd gone to bed. After a few words between us, he would lie down and, then, start having a conversation with himself about how badly I'd treated him. His discourse would often include, "I can't believe my own daughter would treat me that way." His "monologues" were audible, whether I was trying to sleep on the floor in the next room or on the couch in the living room. Then, he would usually go to sleep around 6:00 am and try to sleep until noon. When he arose, I would tell him about our argument, and, poor Pops had no recollection of it. I asked his doctor if it were okay to give Dad an over-the-counter sleep aid. He gladly gave me permission. Dad slept peacefully for about two nights, but the cycle of usually three consecutive nights of being up all night began again. Actually, he became more hostile when he took the sleep aid. By the way, I also tried keeping him up until at least 11:00 pm, but to no avail. Not letting him sleep in didn't stop him from staying up all night. Even changing his diet, i.e. replacing his glass of tea for dinner with water and eliminating dessert didn't help. So, while I stayed there, I had to be aware of the timing of his cycles and the patterns that would lead up to the sleepless nights. I finally had to move out for my own sake. Because I was not sleeping/resting at night and had to provide care for Dad all day with no downtime, I began to suffer with seizures and was at high risk of having a stroke. Hope this was not too long. I just want you to know you are not alone!

"I guess the days just "seemed like" 48 hours!" You are so right about that Vannie. I was the caregiver for both my Dad & Mom. My Dad was dx'd with Multiple Myeloma in 2004, but died from a massive heart attack in 2005. My Mom was dx'd with Alzheimer's in 2001 & she just passed away this past December 30th 2007. I haven't even been able to post about it here until now or on the CG forum yet. It is still so raw & numbing for me. She died from pneumonia/sepsis. Both of my parents died in my arms. So, the cancer & the Alzheimer's didn't take either one of them down the long, dark path it could've been. God was merciful not just once, but twice. I can't tell you how much I miss them both so much. I will never regret one moment of my caregiving for either one of them & would do it again in a heartbeat. But,as you probably already know Caregiving is in no way easy--the stress on you & your family, your health, the heart break, the worry you're doing things the "right way", the responsiblity, the losses can be unbearable--and yet, we keep on trying to do what's best for our loved ones. It is a double-edged sword sometimes. The Alzheimer's Association were wonderful. They've called me twice since my Mom passed, just to see how I was doing. Most of all the caregivers I've ever met are Angels in disguise. God Bless them all!