Apparently, the "last straw" for Jihadi John was that his fiancé broke off their relationship after he couldn't get back to her from whatever country barred him to travel. So, in that case, it would have been far better for his ISIS victims he had not loved at all.

You can probably answer this on a case-by-case basis, as you did on the specific case above. But the question is broader than that, I believe, and doesn't have to be limited to romantic love. I for one can't imagine a life without love of all kinds in it.

I've heard people say they'll never get another dog or cat because they don't want to go through the grieving process afterward. Personally, I don't agree.

After my daughter Gillian died, I was actually asked if I wished I'd never had her. And miss out on 25 years of knowing and loving this incredible person, and being loved by her? Never.

OMG, Susan, how could anyone be so insensitive?!?

I believe so. A life where you don't make any personal connections in fear of loss is a waste of a life. Life is wonderful, and tragic, and amazing and sad, and all of these put together. Some people are fortunate to never experience the type of loss that can emotionally eviscerate them, and others deal with it far more than could ever be considered fair. Most of us are somewhere in the middle.

I believe losses serve a purpose in how we live our life. Someone hearing about another who passed from cancer might get their symptoms checked out and save their life. An accident victim might inspire others to be safer. A loved one that passes suddenly teaches us to embrace every moment because you never know when it's your last.

I lost a good friend at 16, and I lost my mom at 25, and a grandfather at 30. I've lost some pets too, which is different but still incredibly painful. Each experience has profoundly changed me, and I think I would be a different person without them. Of course I wish it had never happened, but it gives perspective. I still have 3 grandparents, and while I dread the day that they go, it reminds me to value each additional day I have with them.

Ya gotta kiss a lotta toads before ya meet a handsome prince.

I've had a couple of relationships that I actually wish I had never had. They caused me brief moments of pleasure, and immeasurable moments of pain. And I didn't learn anything from either one. I'm just lucky that an incredible man found me, because I was too dumb to figure it out.

Susan, I am so sorry for the remark made to in reference to Gillian. How could someone ask that? I can't imagine the pain from the loss of a child, and I'm glad to know that your life seems full of love despite losing one of your precious daughters.

I wish I had allowed myself to experience more love -- or a series of loves -- as an adolescent and very young woman. l was pretty defended from early childhood when my father left my mother, going on to marry his mistress and have two daughters. (Only as an adult did I put into words that he had chosen to leave ME, too, despite protestations to the contrary.)

Anyway...I was eventually 'in love' with two young men (or in love with love) before I married my DH fifty years ago. The endings tore my heart, but now they are only two of other abrasions my heart has suffered.

I've heard some dumb things said to grieving parents, Susan, but that takes the cake. It's usually some stupid comment about 'having other children' or being able to have them.

It's helpful to embrace today without yielding to the useless trap of "what if".

And now, I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end, the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance.

Garth Brooks - The Dance

Susan, isn't it amazing how callous people can be--even when they are trying to be nice? When my first husband died, our son was 2 months old. A neighbor suggested that I give him up for adoption, rather than be a widow, "strapped down" with a kid! I'm grateful that I had my son for 40 years...and he left me with two terrific grandsons.

"The Dance" is Garth's best song--so true.

I realized after posting that I had failed to specify I was using the quote only in reference to love, in romantic relationships. I wondered whether any others might have opted (in hindsight) to have never begun a relationship with someone in their past, if they could have predicted the relationship would end with great sorrow. I wasn't thinking of the quote in reference to the loss of a loved one through death. Wow, it's hard to imagine why anyone would actually ask a mother if she regrets having had a child that passed away, or suggest that a mother should give her child away to make her life easier! Alisande and wanda, if you were able to stop yourselves from saying something profanitory in response, you have far more grace than I might have had in the same situation.

I have always enjoyed Houseman's poem from which the quote is taken.

When I was one and twenty
I heard a wise man say,
"Give crowns, and pounds and guineas,
but not your heart away.
Give pearls away and rubies,
but keep your fancy free."
But I was one and twenty.
No use to talk to me.

When I was one and twenty
I heard him say again,
"The heart out of the bosom
was never given in vain.
'Tis sold with sighs aplenty,
and paid with endless rue.

And I am two and twenty,
And oh, 'tis true, 'tis true.

Wanda, what was said to you was even worse. A lot worse. The other thoughtless (I'm trying to be charitable) comment I will never forget happened when I was 9 years old. My mom had died an accidental death (fumes from cleaning a rug with carbon tetrachloride), and at the funeral a woman told me it was a good thing my mother had had a miscarriage earlier in the year because otherwise we'd be left with a baby to raise.

I don't know which is worse, I'm not sure I agree with the quote really but what I do know for sure is that it sucks to have loved and then lost that love! It's grief as bad as(can be as bad as) losing someone to a death IMHO.

Death is easier than being 'un-chosen'.

" And I didn't learn anything from either one."

I highly doubt that's the case, sleeperblues. I bet you learned how to more quickly recognize "their sort" so you could avoid people that behaved similarly. You learned just how strong you really are. And, your experience probably helped you better appreciate your incredible man than you might have had you not experienced such jack*sses previously.

During my high school years I have two special fellas. One a couple years older and the last one I graduated with. Both were a couple years long. The last one we both tried to hang on but his mother didn't like me for some reason. I finally told him when he was ready to cut the apron strings we might have a chance. Well, I moved on. He ended up getting a gal pregnant and lived in a mobile home on his parents property. Yep, you guessed it the marriage didn't last long. Both boyfriends have been married several times each. Me, I'm going for 47 years this June. We have been through a lot over the years. My hubby was in an awful car wreck the first year of marriage and came close to dying. We lost a child, both sets of parent, and 3 of our sisters. We have helped each other so much. I think I made a wise choice. I wouldn't change anything. Life has been good.

Thinking back to my high school years I did love the other two fellas but in a different way. I have talked some with the second one. He told me I was his true love and wished he had married me. He knows his mom was a problem in a lot of ways. She interfered in all his marriages. I'm glad I never crossed that bridge with him. He understood where I was coming from. I hope he is doing well.

Yes, I am happy I have been lucky in love.

chisue, I personally think I would differentiate the feelings of sorrow and hurt. The loss of a loved partner through being 'unchosen' is usually extremely hurtful, because it causes feelings of rejection, when we know someone has left us by choice. Likewise, the loss of a partner through death is usually extremely sorrowful, because we know they have left us (and this Earth) through no choice of their own. I wouldn't say that death is easier though, because that implies that sorrow is less difficult to bear than hurt.

Would I choose no experiences over experiences+pain+joy? I chose the latter, now I choose the former. What does that say about me? ;) I have enjoyed enough for a lifetime. I'll take my love in the form of family, friends, and furry kids. Maybe I'm just
"resting", or maybe I am done with the whole thing. But I know I don't lack just because I am not in a "love" relationship. We must enjoy what we have when we have it.

When I was 21, I fell deeply in love with a guy. I even moved 500 miles from my hometown to be near him. We talked of marriage but no ring appeared nor would he set a date. He broke my heart within 2 years of our meeting. I was so unhappy, I even considered suicide. But I didn't want to hurt my parents. So I did the best I could, carried on my life. Unbelievably, within 4 months of breaking up I met a guy at work who had just broken up with his wife and was deeply depressed. We became good friends, consoling each other over our breakups. Long story short, we moved in together and got maqrried a few years later. We will be married 36 years in June. We have two wonderful adult daughters. Would I change anything? No, I might not even have met my darling husband if things were different.

I have spent most of my adult life single -- I am divorced and 68. I had quite a number of romances that wound up not working out. But I don't regret any of them -- I treasure the good times and let the rest go.

You would miss out on sooooooooooo much if you'd never loved. Doesn't have to be a lover per se, but a dear friend or pet. Love adds so much to our lives.

I think I will stand by my words, given the OP here. There is zero deliberate rejection/abandonment involved when someone dies, except in suicide. It's not a chosen path. Our OP wondered if she wouldn't have been happier if she'd never met the love who left her. The point, to me, is that he *chose* to leave. This is not the same injury to one's self esteem as a loss through death. It's also not as complete. The situation could change. The rejected person can fantasize that it will change. There's no changing death.

I do know someone that early in life, college age, he was engaged to be married then the lady dumped him. After that, he refused to ever date anyone else...he has remained a bachelor his entire life. He is now an old man! I think that's pretty sad though to just give up because one person was a jerk. I'm sure she had her reasons and she probably just realized it wasn't working out with him, it happens! He missed out on ever having a family of his own. Pretty sad I think.

My lady trained in the two schools in the nation that agreed 60 years ago to claim that they were top - but disagreed on which was No. 1 in Hosp. Diet training. Two years at Iowa State (Greetings to you, Linda!) near her home in Iowa but she, having an eye on a position in the east, transferred to Cornell ... then met me. There was talk of marriage with her abandoning her course after three years (of four) ... but I said that, in case she needed to provide for the family after ten years or so, that having no degree would be a drag ... so she grad, then travelled to Korea for marriage ... with no one from either family present.

Son needed eye care in Canada, we settled here ... and parted, after eleven years together, when our youngies were 9 and 6 ... didn't speak much for about 35 years. She was second head for a few years, then head of food service in a local psych. hosp. for 20 years and took early retirement when there was talk of closing her hosp. or one twenty miles away: golden handshake better than settling for severance on the way out the door. Had ten years to enjoy life, with friends, hobby, travelling in RV having developed a group of friends en route from FL to TX (later AZ when our daughter there) from Dec. to Mar. each year.

Son and I agreed that she'd fed millions ... and, ironically, she contracted colon cancer, and when it did her in at 66, just over ten years ago, our young ones said that, in the ordinary course of things, their Mom would have retired the year before ... and I added that she'd have been sick for most of that year.

She never remarried ... nor have I.

Some have said that I should have gotten on with my life ... but I've suggested to some that, after one has been run over by a truck ...

... when one hears truck wheels coming down the road ... one starts to shake.

It does seem something of a loss of one's life potential .. or some lack of courage ... not to have picked up what tools one had and started to build again.

Would I do it over again?

In a heartbeat.

ole joyful