I'm assuming you are the boyfriend and your girlfriend has a son, aged 19. I'm assuming the girlfriend and son moved into your home at some point.

-Why didn't you make it clear that the son had to go when he hit 18?

-Your girlfriend might be pissed that you're booting her kid out of the house.

-Were you honestly dumb enough to move them both in without an exit plan?

You and his mom have got to have a talk. It's her son, not yours, so if you start evicting him, will she decide to go too? I can tell you right now she won't let you toss her son out into the cold, cruel, world all by himself.

She also has got to realize she's not doing him any favors by letting him lie about all day. At 19 he has little or no job skills, so what are his plans? If he's not going to school full time, it might be time to have him pay rent instead of evicting him.

The first thing you have to do is convince your girlfriend that at age 19, it's time to start contributing to the household expenses. He's got to start standing on his own two feet.

Asm198 : criticism and insults will solve all the world's problems.

Curt d' : assuming the mother agrees with you....tell the kid , in no uncertain terms, he's expected to pull his own weight in the house.

And that he has to do the house hold chores .

that he's expected to start paying rent. ( token rent at least) by a certain deadline.

Pointing out his faults usually makes them dig in their heels

Curt -- I recommend first sitting down with his mom and coming to an agreement on this. She should be the one to talk to her son, but if necessary, be there to support her. No good will come of allowing him to continue to waste his life -- it will tear apart your relationship and your own mental health. Good luck -- what a stressful situation for you.

All you can do is give a him deadline to move, for instance, 2 months to get a job and move. Most likely the mom will go also. Quite frankly I wouldn't care in that kind of situation.

Curt - I think you're in a really tough situation. Before you decide anything, you need to be sure you can live with the repercussions. Best case scenario - you talk to your girlfriend, explain calmly your reasons for asking her son to move, she understands and has the son do whatever is necessary to get him out. My guess, that's not going to happen. As far as evicting him, I don't know about the legal resources you may have available or the laws governing that kind of thing. Most of the time when a person isn't paying any rent and the owner of the property wants him gone, it's a matter of changing locks and chunking his stuff on the front lawn. That will probably cause a major rift between you and your girlfriend. I'm afraid your most likely outcome is that you're going to lose both the girlfriend and her son. I really don't envy your being in that situation.

My bad. I referred to her as my girlfriend. We're more like soul mates, so very positive i don't want to lose her. When we brought the house TOGETHER her son was still in school in another city so he was staying with his father for the most part. Just for the weekends he came over.

No, changing the locks and throwing his stuff outside is not an option. Tried doing that years ago when room mates didn't kick in one dime for rent. They called the police on me. They showed the police the mail they got there at that address. The police said to me that they have proof of residency and i would need to go thru the eviction process.

Already mentioned to his mother that she's not helping him by doing no pushing or least a nudge him to get a job. I don't feel it's my place to do so because he's not my child, but it really pis__'s me off to see him just lounging about playing video games. She's working also so need no additional income to pay for the bills, but that's the point. He should be working and help anyway with the electric bill on principle

Thanks to all for all your comments.

So this isn't really a question about eviction processes. It's a question about relationships. You need to talk to your girlfriend and express your concerns. If she ignores or disregards your feelings, then it's like any other issue in a relationship. Either learn to live with it or move on.

This is a great opportunity for you to help turn his life into a productive one. I suggest the three of you seek counseling on how to go about this gently but firmly.

I don't have any real advice for you but I want to give you some things to consider. I don't think tough love really works well anymore. I am a university professor and I am surrounded by this generation all the time, hundreds of them. More times than not, kids who get the sink or swim treatment just drown. I don't know when I became convinced it doesn't work but I am. One thing I can say that helps, make him do volunteer work. It helps establish a connection outside the home and more than anything kids today need non computer connections, Volunteers won't fire you when you don't show up and somehow the attitude of people volunteering is just more upbeat than those working.

I myself have teenagers and I can honestly say I have no real understanding of this generation, my oldest is approaching 18 and I still can't manage to get him to take his driver's permit test . Thankfully, he does his homework and is looking forward to college and I am praying that he matures there.

I agree with the sink or swim approach, but you need to teach them how to swim first. No young person ever walked away from a comfortable, all expenses paid situation with no expectations or responsibilities without being pushed. This kid needs to be pushed.

bry, dig in and connect to your son while he's still at home. Saying you don't understand him is a cop-out, rather I'd say you haven't been successful yet. That suggests more effort is required, not less. He needs your relationship to be a close one and you need it too.

I shouldn't have said I don't understand him. I am pretty connected to him but, his entire generation is so different I am not sure where we are heading. His connection to the computer and skype sometimes sets me on my heels. He has a group of about 40 friends who he is in touch with constantly, but that contact is through a computer. He spends more time with friends than I ever did, yet his friends are hundreds of miles away. When I encouraged him to work part time, he got a job playing video games. People pay to watch him play video games. I would be lying to say I understand that.

The thing is, he is one of the lucky ones. He really wants to be an accountant, and has a very good chance at an internship with a big 4, where there are a lot of people who care about him. On the other hand, college will be a shock for him. Everything comes so easy now, I really am a little worried what will happen when it doesn't. Yet, my younger son is much more standoffish with me, I have less connection to him, and I am not worried at all about him. That kid will meet any goal just to prove he can.

I don't know the answer to this generation's problems. There are a lot of good things about them, but there are some very concerning things too. I see so many young kids now without any drive. They are smarter than you suspect, more informed than I ever was, can process information so much faster, are less married to their decisions, and a lot of other good things. But under all that there seems to be an epidemic lack of focus, and or drive.

As a baby boomer, you know my parents and their peers freely commented about the shortcomings of my generation. They were both right and wrong. Their parents probably spoke similarly of them. Et cetera.

I'm not sure how a high school kid can be thought of having a lock to get a Big 4 internship at a school and in a major that are some years away, unless it's because of your relationship with firms as a faculty member. If so, that's not a good thing and certainly not something i would tell him.

I'd suggest each of your kids need you the same, it isn't dependent on their personality types.

You will notice I said four good things and one concerning thing about this generation. I assure you that it is observation about intergenerational relationships not condemnation.

I also assure you that I am a good enough parent to not tell my kid that he has a lock at an internship. Unfortunately, he is smart enough to know that he does. We haven't talked about it, nor will we. He knows what I did and what I do now. You simply can't hide things like that from tour kids anymore.

Of course your kids need you differently. They are two completely different people, with different wants, needs, and desires.

Greetings Curt,

Your reference to the ownership of your establishment seems to me to be a bit up in the air - you speak of it being in your name, but later there's a reference that leads me to think that perhaps she contributed to its purchase. If she's part owner, regardless of whose name is on the deed, it does have some bearing on at least the morality of your acting as though the place is yours.

I haven't heard much regarding your lady's opinions and feelings about the son's being such a layabout. Has she given any visible indication of her views regarding the situation, even though it may not have been discussed, which I'm somewhat assuming that it hasn't?

I think that there needs to be a discussion between you regarding the young man's activities (or lack of productive ones).

Once schooling is over, and for many this begins while it's going on, it's time for adults to begin to pay their way.

A viewpoint could be that, as an adult, he should be contributing his fair share to the operation of the establishment. If he's not working, it seems to me that, since both of you are busy, at a minimum he should be carrying the lion's share of the operation of the house, including food prep., cleaning, laundry, etc. And shouldn't he be helping pay for the food ... electricity (or shut off the games?) One could ask him to help pay for food ... and power ... and internet connection ... or threaten to pawn the machine to help pay for those expenses?

You're a creative fellow, aren't you, Curt?

May I add that I think that it would be helpful if you can keep some humor involved, as some fun, along with sugar, often helps the medicine go down.

ole joyful

All I can say is, if the lady is truly your soulmate, you should be able to talk about this situation with her and agree on a plan for the benefit of the son (taking responsibility for his life rather than being, as the Chinese say, a useless mouth, is better for him, don't you think?) AND for both of you. If you can't, you perhaps are not seeing the relationship realistically (love is blind, after all :) ). And if you are so aggravated by it but she doesn't notice or doesn't care how you feel, well then?

Perhaps she feels guilty in some way re parenting so she doesn't want to parent now. You will need to find out what her issue is and support her through it.

I surely don't see how, in a healthy relationship, you should have to put up with this indefinitely.

after age 18 I think he needs to pay-at a minimum-for his car insurance and cell phone. Also since the two adults are working, he ought to take care of garbage removal, his own laundry, and the outdoor work like lawn mowing. Also, my house rule is that if I cook, I don't clean it up. I don't see this as onerous. I think this is more about you and gf. Can you discuss this easily? Can you agree on a plan? If you don't have a unified front, nothing will happen most likely.

I do wonder how the situation is now, given that the original post is half a year old. My first thought on reading the initial description is that the 19 year old might be suffering from depression or even video game addiction (yes, there is such a thing). I would ensure he has a medical consultation before proceeding, and some type of counselling might be useful to both him and the concerned adults to pinpoint the issues. I know there is a view of young people as slackers but, having known a lot of them, this is not an usual type of behaviour. Even among the inveterate gamers there is some kind of outside world interaction (gaming contests, for example, or even a full time job then gaming most of the night away, strange but true).