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firemanswife_gw

Should I Apologize???

15 years ago

Three months ago this last Sunday I had to have an emergency hysterectomy. This has been devastating to say the least.

We had been trying for a while to have a baby and to make a really long story short when I went in to see why I was having such a hard time getting pregnant and the doctor found a tumor in my uterus that was an aggressive form of cancer and therefore everything was removed.

Sunday night dear friends of ours stopped by our home to visit and brought their two little boys. This March she is due to have their third baby. They had stopped by to visit and to show us their ultrasound photos and a video.

My DH and I had just been talking that morning that we were at the three month mark since surgery. Even to talk about it with him I cry.

Both my DH and I got this panicked look on our face but I sat and looked at the photos and she explained to me what everything was and then asked if we wanted to see the video.

I felt like I was going to just implode. I made an excuse and walked out of the room, went to the bathroom and balled my eyes out. My DH made an excuse that I wasn't feeling well and they went home.

I feel like a real jerk that I couldn't share in their joy and wonder if I will ever get over this.

I feel like I should call and apologize and explain why I got up and left the room so suddenly.

Should I call and apologize or just let it go?

Comments (46)

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Did they know about your situation? If they didn't, I would call and explain and apologize. If they "did" know and still paid you this visit, I wouldn't apologize, and I feel they owe you an apology..

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I don't think you need to apologize, but maybe a explanation of what was going on. Some people just don't think. I am sure she never gave it a thought and if she did she was down right rude.

    Hope all is well now, HUGS!!

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  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    You say they're your dear friends, so I think I'd call and explain why you were so emotional. A hysterectomy will do that to you. I'm sorry things went down that road for you.
    Did she know you'd just had a hysterectomy? I don't think it was done with the intention of hurting you.
    Leslie

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    They are very dear friend of ours and both knew about the hysterectomy.

    I have cried and cried to her about how heart broke I am over this.

    I just wish I knew how to handle these types of situations. I know it's going to happen again and I will end up in tears.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth."
    Benjamin Disraeli

    I actually think explaining it to them will not only be awkward for you, but will put them in a very awkward position. I will point out the them their complete lack of compassion for your and your husband.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Since she knows about your situation (for which I am very sorry, sweetie) then you have to assume that she already knows why you didn't want to subject yourself to her photos and video. I think she owes you an apology, but I doubt if you're going to get one. So if you want to stay friends with them, you need to just explain to her again that you're having a tough time with this and that she'll need to give you more time to come to grips with it.

    I wonder if you could benefit from kind of grief therapy. You're going to encounter situations like this quite often and you need to find a way to cope with your losses. Either that or maybe you just need more time to get over this, your hormones could be way out of whack since your surgery.

    I'm wondering how you're doing with your mom, wasn't she being kind of demanding about you coming to her house straight after your surgery? How did all that work out?

    Again, my condolences on your diagnosis and resulting surgery, Firemanswife. I'm really sorry.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Well, if they knew, then I take back what I said. I wouldn't apologize to her. It was very insentive of them.
    Leslie

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Again, do they know your history? Don't feel bad, your feelings are your own. I would not apologize. Ever. Don't see them again for a long time. Maybe they'll figure it out.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm sure your friends weren't thinking when they showed you their pictures. And you don't need to apologize. When my now 29 year old son was born with Down Syndrome, I had a 3 week old healthy nephew. I couldn't be in the same room as him for the longest time without feeling a lot of resentment. Actually, I feel that way about most people who are healthy and 29 years old today. My son should be maybe married and maybe having kids by now. And a career. Instead he eats baby food, can barely talk and can only take a few steps. I'm much better today than I was even 27 years ago. It took me two years to accept what was wrong with him. It will take you time too. While people can't hide their baby's from you, they should show a little compassion for you by not putting in your face, the joy you hoped you and your husband would have.

    I'm really sorry you're going through this. But I honestly don't believe you have anything to apologize for.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I agree that they should be apologizing to you. Surely they would have thought this might be upsetting to you.

    (((Firemanswife)))

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm surprised you haven't already gotten an apologetic phone call from them. Perhaps they are feeling awkward. I would call and clear the air.
    In time you will be able to share in the joy of other peoples children but your emotions are still too raw so soon after. Your friends went a bit far in expecting that from you. I'm very sorry, by the way!

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I think Maybee said it all....I agree with her totally.

    patti

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Truthfully she probably feels bad and has realized the problem already...If she really is an old and dear friend, you shouldn't have any trouble telling her or having her accept what ever is in your heart.... and you should believe that she was just excited about her own baby and wasn't thinking about how you would feel...

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    First of all, I'm sorry for what you've been through. Not only for the physical suffering, but for your heartbreak. to have someone do that to you only rubbed salt in a very tender wound. How awful!

    I hope there will be opportunity for you to speak with your friend and clear the air between you.

    Then, what might be the hardest, for your sake, I hope you can forgive their thoughtlessness. It will help you to heal.

    Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

    Cream

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Oh how heartbreaking! I am so sorry for you. I feel your friends we not being sensitive to your feelings.

    Debby ab..
    I am so sorry for you as well.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I think they owe you an apology and I am so sorry for what you have been through. Gentle hugs to you and your DH.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I am so sorry FMW...I can imagine your wounds are so raw and really can't add much to what already has been said...I do think you should at least call rather then let it fester...if she's a true friend she's probably mortifed at her insensitivity and just doesn't know how to apologize...give her that chance...if you don't get it during the phone call, I'd certainly keep her away for awhile...hugs to both you and your hubster...

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    You know, given that they knew your situation, I think they made a bad error in judgement by coming over with their pics and video.

    I definitely dont think you owe them an apology, but I think it would probably do you some good to call her and discuss it. Just explain how you were feeling at the time and let her know that you really want to be happy for them but that given your situation, and how raw your feelings are, it's going to take you some time to get over the loss of what can never be for you. I can't imagine how she wouldn't understand that, but if she doesn't, she's pretty selfish.

    My guess is that she probably knows by now what her actions did to you and feels bad (I hope that's the case). But I think you should call her. Honestly, talking about it rather than letting it fester up inside you, will do you a world of good.

    Let me add that how you are feeling is 100% justified and natural. You are human and have just gone through a major ordeal and a big loss as a result of it. You have every right to be feeling the way you are. Allow yourself the time you need to deal with it in your own way.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I have to add that I think your friends owe you an apology.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. You don't owe anyone an apology. It will take time for you to come to terms with your loss. Please take care of yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help dealing with this.

    I'm glad to see you back.

    Linda

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm really sorry that you are going thru this. My husband's sister was in the same position two years ago. She still has a very difficult time being around babies. A niece had a baby about 6 months ago and she has still not met him. I feel so bad for both of you. I do know that she is in some sort of counseling and I do believe that it is helping. On a side note, when this all happened she was working in a daycare center specifically with the babies. The director there was an insensitive jerk, IMO.

    I doubt that your friend is a jerk but it was very tacky. I think you need to have a heart to heart with your friend. A friend would truly understand and would probably be embarrassed by this. I know I would be if I had done that.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm glad to see you posting again, I've been wondering about you ever since your last post a few months ago just before your surgery. I am so sorry for everything you've been through. It is not an easy journey. And I have trouble understanding how such dear friends could be so insensitive to your loss.

    I don't think you owe them an apology. But here's something to consider. As several others have mentioned you could call her to explain what happened. It might have dawned on her by now that her behavior was unkind and heartless and she's not sure how to proceed. She might feel that if she calls you now she might make matters worse. If you call her you would be offering her a chance to be sympathetic and caring. You owe no one an apology for your reaction to her callousness.

    Only you can decide how important the friendship is and if you can put this behind you. I doubt that would be an easy task. Maybe if you give yourself a few more days the decision about whether to call her or not will become clearer.

    I also hope the situation with your Mother resolved itself without too much aggravation. In the meantime know that I've been thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I think they were very insensitive. They are so wrapped up in their own children and the new baby that they just did not see things from your point of view. I would call the wife and gently explain how painful that was for you.

    I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm sending a big hug your way.

    Susan

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I was in your position many years ago, I know how much you are hurting. I couldn't stand being around pregnant people or babies. My friends understood this and would have never done this. You are definitely owed an apology. what were they thinking?

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I think they were being self centered and insensitive. Did they even ask how you were doing, and how you were feeling? You don't owe anyone a apology, they owe you.

    ((((((hugs)))))

    Doreen

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I can't imagine anyone being this insensitive and selfish. They owe you such a major apology. I don't think friends would do this to a friend. This is unbelievable. If you lose their friendship over this,you haven't lost much. I am so sorry for your loss.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm so sorry you are hurting like this. It's a rough time you're going through.

    I think your friends are weird. And possibley real jerks. They knew of your situatuion and behaved this way.

    Who expects anybody to want to sit through a viewing of an ultrasound?? Unless maybe it's close family - mom, sister. It would be pretty boring to anyone else. This is not even the woman's FIRST baby so I don't understand all the excitment she and her DH had to bring video of the ultrasound, or even the pictures over for a party.

    Only you can decide if their friendship is worth keeping, but I would write them off.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I will chime in and say you don't owe them an apology...for heaven's sake, what were they thinking? I would have reacted the same way you did.

    My thoughts are with you...a hysterectomy is pretty life changing if you ask me. I have never been the same since I had mine.

    (((Fireman's Wife)))

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I agree with everyone else who says you don't owe them an apology. I'm so sorry they put you through that. (((hugs))) to you.

    Sheryl

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm sorry you are suffering. Right now, you are grieving one of your dreams. It's a deep hurt. I'd like to offer a (((hug))).

    You may have already found this. There is an on-line hysterectomy support group called "Hyster Sisters". I don't know anything about them, but I would guess that there are other women there who have had some of the same experiences as you. It might help you to talk to someone else who has been there.

    I'm not sure that anybody is owed an apology. It's also hard to be on the other side when you are the one with the baby. It's not an easy situation for your friends either. Every child should be celebrated. I think the friends were trying to include you in that celebration. Unfortunately, you're going to be hurt by the very fact that anyone else has a baby. Nothing that anyone does is going to change that situation. It is just a no win situation on both sides.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    FMW:
    I don't think you owe them an apology. It may seem very insensitive what they did, but I am sure they did not mean to hurt you and your DH. I think I would call them and tell her why you reacted the way you did (which is understandable).
    You are going through a very emotional time right now, and I think I would give her a chance again. Maybe she has realized by now how this has made you feel and feels awkward about it.
    After all you've gone through, you need friends to help you get through this. If after all of that she still seems insensitive then at least you know you've have tried your best. I don't think i'd write her off just yet.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    People who are able to have children don't have a clue about how they hurt people repeatedly who can't have them. You might have to distance yourself from these friends until you get more stable with your situation. My daughter's best friend called her while she was waiting for her in-home preg. test knowing all the time my daughter had been trying for years to get pregnant. While she was very happy for her she still called me very upset. This is just one example of what she went through. She ended up adopting but she is still very sensitive about certain subjects with co-workers who are childless. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Some people don't have a clue. I'm trying to see both sides.

    I could see one or two comments about their pregnancy, but to bring a whole presentation... that must have hurt terribly. It's your choice whether you feel the need to apologize, of course, but you could mention that it's still a sensitive area and that you hope to be ready to enjoy their child when it's born.

    On the other hand, it's hard to describe, but maybe they were trying to make this baby part yours. Like you could be involved from the get go.

    I wish you well.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Ditto what the others said.

    Deb

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and I think you're a wonderful person to focus on what you may have done to hurt your friend, not that I think you did anything wrong. Many people would just focus on how they were hurt.

    I agree with Adellabedella - it's a no-win situation, even assuming everyone to be sensitive and caring. (And even if they're not the most sensitive people in the world, that doesn't make them jerks, as some posters seem to be saying.) If they tell you about the baby, it might upset and hurt you. If they don't, then they've cut you out of what is probably the most important part of their life right now, which will certainly have the effect of driving a wedge between you.

    I don't think you have anything at all to apologize for. With that said, I'd apologize anyway, not because you did anything wrong, but because you regret the situation, and because it's a good way to open up an honest conversation. If you can't talk about the fact that you're simultaneously thrilled for them and hurt and jealous for yourself, then I'll bet you'll just end up distancing yourself from them.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Sending you a hug. Some people just don't get it. I hope you do call and talk to them about this. Hopefully it will make them more sensitive in the future and they won't hurt someone else as badly as they hurt you. It probably never even occured to them that they would be bringing you difficult memories.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm feeling so bad for you right now. Flamingo's probably right about the harmones. I know when I had mine at 47 the only thing I wanted was a baby. It was completely out of the question at my age (and DH was 60 and had a vasectomy), but the ache was there. Your "friend" was rubbing salt in the wound, so please don't apologize to them. That was plain idiotic!

    I hope you're feeling better soon. It takes a long while to get your body back in sync. Have a happy Thanksgiving, hon!

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I don't think you owe them an apology. I also think it would do no good to call them on it. You say they are "dear" friends. If that is true, then I can't believe they meant to hurt you. They are just so overjoyed that they can't help but share - probably even with complete strangers! Chances are that they thought about it later and feel like complete a$$es. You would only hurt them more by pointing it out. And that could put a damper on your friendship. I don't understand people who think that they must hurt someone in return for hurting them. What's the point? It doesn't make YOU feel any better. Not judging, just saying........

    And yes, it is likely to happen again, and maybe more times than you can count. You have been devastated by your situation and it is going to take some time to come to terms with it, but eventually you will. You may never completely lose your sense of loss, but for your sake and the sake of your marriage, I hope you can compress that ache and relegate it to a tiny place in your heart. I wish you healing.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I agree with the others, you don't owe them an apology. And unless they are completely thick it later dawned on them why you left the room and they now feel horrible, but maybe don't know what to say.

    My step brother's fiance and my cousin's wife both had healthy babies born on almost the exact day mine would have been (I miscarried). 4 1/2 years later I still can't look at those children without almost crying.

    I hope you are well on your way to a full recovery.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Juat about the same time I miscarried, my sister gave birth to a boy who was missing an arm. I sent her a card of "congratulations". She thought I was insulting her. It took several years before we spoke to each other.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I am still out of town.. and just had a chance to peek in here.

    Haven't read the other replies.

    I don't think you need to apologize, but you may want to explain?

    Just let her know, your situation. She will understand.

    Moni

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    No way should you apologize, it was they who were inconsiderate.IMHO they should be calling you and saying they are sorry.Many hugs to you and prayers that God will help you through the sadness and heartache.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Hell, no!

    ole joyful

    P.S. You've been through Hell, all on your own!

    They want to put you through it, again??

    o j

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I don't believe they asked for an apology OJ.

    I'm hoping they just wanted to share their joy with some dear friends because ordinarily it would be something to celebrate. The baby will come in a little over three months. I guess they thought you might notice and they thought they better share the good news or take the chance of you feeling left out of the loop. It really is a no win situation. Your going through a grieving stage and they have to move forward with their child. It's happening at the same time. I hope they are realizing how this is really affecting you. I'm assuming they will be afraid to face you since her preganacy will be quite obvious from now on. This is one of those trying times in life when your heart knows they deserve to be happy but it also knows you wish it was you instead. A very intense and personal feeling.

    IMO, you should call and clear the air. Tell them a little about how you've been feeling. If they are good friends they will understand. You could tell your friends you need some time to sort your feelings. They will see a part of your heart is broken, it's going to take longer than a few months to heal.

    I went through 3 years of infertility, in the scope of life, only a short time, but it felt like forever when every month was a roller coaster of hope and disappointment.
    I had to deal with my fertile friends and all the babies too. Life sure seemed unfair at the time.

    Your loss is very fresh, everyone takes a different amount of time to find a new direction to go. Hugs.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Hell no you shouldn't apologize. They should be begging your forgivness.

    It was cruel, unthinking, unsensitive, and whether or not they meant it as such, it was hurtful and mean for them to bring those photos/videos/and children to your house at this time.

    You said they were "dear freinds." Do they just not have a clue? Maybe they live under a rock and never heard of the heartbreaking difficulties some people have from not having children. Maybe they don't know what a total hysterectomy does to a woman's body, soul, and mind.

    Apologize? No. I would never invite them in my house again.

  • 15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I agree with many of the comments here but disagree with many too. First let me say I'm sorry for your troubles, sorry for the pain you've had and are having with this and wish you and your family the best.

    Now that said and removing some of the emotion, let's look at this a little more rationally:
    -Yes they were tactless, but does that warrant breaking up a long time and dear friendship? If the friendship means that little, by all means, but it sounds like you DO like these people. When my best friend's wife was expecting, he wanted me to feel the baby kicking. He grabs my hand, puts it on her belly and let's just say I was uncomfortable groping my buddy's wife! BUT, I also said wait a minute, I'm not comfortable with this. Relax bud. She wasn't too excited about it either and made it clear. But I certainly didn't end a friendship over it.

    -I don't think there's an apology owed by you and I'm not totally sure there's one owed the other way. Are people REALLY supposed to be able to read minds? I fully understand your making an excuse and leaving the room. I think you'd have been much better off to just say something like I can't deal with this right now, with what I've been through lately.
    -And to compound things, your husband lied to them and said you weren't feeling well. "twere it me who were your husband at that time, I'd have been all over them about insensitivity and explain what was going on in case they didn't know! Fact is, he copped out by saying you didn't feel well. And no, it's not technically true, because he deliberately gave the wrong impression, which is a lie. If anyone owes you and them an apology, I think he does.
    -Obviously this bothers you, and the whole situation is going to fester. And situations like this will happen again. For your own sake you need to plan how to deal with these situations in the future.
    -I think a simple explanation and communication is owed, all things considered. They may realize what happened, they may not. Did they believe your husband or know they were being lied to? I'd call and make it brief unless you're comfortable at the time to talk more. If they're truly dear friends: 1) they're owed another chance; and 2) they're owed the truth.

    Call them and have notes of the points you want to make. Don't be afraid to be emotional, since you likely will be, but practice at least saying a couple points before breaking down. Tell them you had the recent events and this really bothered you to see this and you weren't able to deal with it. If you DO wish them well with their upcoming child, say so, but if you DON'T, don't say it.

    One of my personal pet peeves is the if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you. Friends are people that can do things and get another chance. Burning bridges for each faux-pas would give few if any people any friends. Don't assume they knew, don't assume they know. But be a friend and give them the truth. If they can't deal with it, they can lie to you, tell you that they can't deal with it or decide if they want a relationship.

    Again, I'm sorry for what you've been through. I do think you need to seek some help. You're bound to hurt from this for a long time and isolating yourself from family and friends won't do you any good. You should be able to go to them for comfort and help in times like these. But again, they can't read your mind, you'll have to ask.

    I just looked back and was glad to see that you felt bad that you couldn't share in their joy. TELL THEM THAT! I was glad to see that because that tells me that you value the friendship. You feel bad that you may have hurt them If the situation were reversed I'm sure you'd like to hear that. I'm sure they would. I'm sure they'll feel terrible knowing the situation but I'm also quite sure that they'll want to support and help you. I'm sure they'll also apologize profusely, which deep down I think you'd appreciate. I'm sure I would.

    I'll say it again, friends owe it to friends to be honest. If a friend lied to you, you'd be hurt. White lies? Often said with good intentions but more often than not, still come back to bite ya.

    I hope you call them and at least find out where you stand. I think the people who say to write off dear friends are, ... I removed what I was going to say, let's just say I disagree.

    Best wishes to you and your family no matter your decision on this.