Lynn's colonoscopy journal:


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My doctor called the surgeon's office to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.



A couple weeks later in the surgeon's office, he showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Vancouver.


Then my surgeon explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.


I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET LONG UP YOUR BEHIND!'




I left the surgeon's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'CoLyte,' which comes in a plastic jug large enough to hold a microwave oven.


I will discuss CoLyte in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of our country's enemies. It's a weapon of mass destruction.




I spent the next many weeks productively sitting around being nervous, waiting for my colonoscopy booking date.


Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.


In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.



Then, in the afternoon at 2:00 p.m., I took the CoLyte. You mix white powder together in a four-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug... 1 cup every 10 minutes until it's all gone. I used the timer on my stove. This procedure takes at least a couple of hours, and CoLyte tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of pineapple.




The instructions for CoLyte, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'


This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.




CoLyte is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the CoLyte experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything, especially your pride. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of CoLyte, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.




After an action-packed evening of entertaining my parents, who were amused by my endless dance back and forth to the bathroom, I finally got to sleep.

WARNING: DO NOT TAKE A SLEEPING PILL AT THE SAME TIME YOU START TAKING COLYTE!!




The next morning my parents drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of CoLyte spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on the surgeon?' How do you apologize to a doctor for something like that? Flowers would not be enough and how would I explain a pink daisy sticking out of my butt?




At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.




Then a male nurse named Dr. Frankenstein put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Frankenstein was very good, and I was already lying down. Frankenstein also told me that some people put vodka in their CoLyte. Now why didn't I think of that?!


At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. Have you ever seen a fire hose on the loose? You would have no choice but to burn your house.




When everything was ready, my surgeon came in with two nurses. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew the surgeon had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.



Frankenstein had me roll over on my left side, and then someone stuck an oxygen hose in my nostrils. I was hoping it was helium to lighten up the situation but they didn't have the same sense of humor. They had a mission... and it had everything to do with that 17,000-foot hose they were hiding. I think they were Colonoscopy Nazis.




There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Tube Snake Boogie' by ZZ Top. I remarked to my doctor that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Tube Snake Boogie' had to be the least appropriate.




'You want me to turn it up?' said my doctor, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.




I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ZZ Top was yelling 'Boogie Woogie All Night Long' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.




A nurse was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent! I felt even more excellent when she told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.




- the end -

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:




1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!




2. 'Found Amelia Earhart yet?'




3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'




4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'




5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'




6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'




7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'




8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'




9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!




10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'




11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'




And the best one of all.




12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'