Why wont respite care work? Is a $ thing? Have you checked to see it if he qualifies for his State to pick up some of the cost? Meals on Wheels delivers nutritional food and does diabetic diets at very low to no cost and can be a temp thing. Have you checked to see if there is a "senior companion" program in your area? Red Cross can be booked a week in advance for medical appointments. I know this is a lot for you to look into but it could save you lots of time and money (and stress) in the long run. There ARE other options out there. It is hard on a family to care for an aged loved one but he does sound pretty independant yet (thats great)so it's not like he needs 24/7 care. You can e mail me if you need contacts for his area.
Lvlice@aol.com

What I think is that since you and DH both love Grandfather you should make some time to either visit him or have him visit you.

I wouldn't even factor in what MIL says or the respite for the cousins.

Perhaps MIL suggested this as a way to urge you to see Grandfather since you yourself say you haven't had time to travel or visit much. He's 95. He won't be around forever a How lucky your DH is to have someone of that age still alive and mentally alert. I would make the time.

My grandma died in August of last year, sure wish I could spend time with her again. When he's gone, your husband will never regret the time he made to spend with him, but will regret the time he didn't make.

Vickey-MN

I think DH could go alone. That takes a lot of the heat off you. Wow 95, my grandpa lived to be 98 and I wish I could pat his old bald head again and give him a hug. There are no second chances. Leaving Friday after work and returning Sunday afternoon is not that bad and the cousins would get a fine break (bless em).

Quite honestly, you sound pretty self centered to me. I'd also bet that you've never lived through the death of a close family member. Once they are gone, that's it, they don't come back. And you sound like I used to be --- when I thought that my "demanding" career was the center of the universe.

If you need help setting boundaries with your co-workers, that's a totally different issue. But God bless your MIL for taking a break and a vacation. And good for her for suggesting that others, including you and your husband, help out.

I'd suggest that you and your DH figure out a way to spend some of your weekend time together....with granddad and in his neighborhood, too. He won't be alive forever.

Having been my mother's main caregiver for the last 12 years of her life--parttime (I was there 3-4 times a week, looking after the things she couldn't, and arranged for home health aids to come in the rest of the time)--I think I have a good perspective on this issue.

Your MIL is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. Even being a parttime caregiver is a very difficult, wearing experience. You cannot imagine the worry and stress unless you've been there yourself. The cousins DEFINITELY need to know that every so often they can have a few hours off--not so much from the work, that's the least of it. But they need to know that they can take a day or two off, and know that Grandfather is in the loving care of other family members, so they need not worry about him.

In my case, I was fortunate that for many years, my one sister took care of Mom for about a month in the summer so I could enjoy my parttime job of teaching summer school, and my 3 siblings would split the time in March so I could take 'off' a month to enjoy my husband's vacation with him (mind you, I still popped in and out, and visited, but they took care of the shopping, drs appts. etc for me).

It's so important that the family work together in a case like this. Yes, you can hire people for some of the time, but you also all need to be pitching in and helping out. It's totally unfair for all the work to fall in the lap of one person just because they're closer (or in my case--because I was the only one who didn't work outside of the home).

More importantly, you need to do this for your husband's grandfather--he's reaching a very lonely, scary time of life. He needs to know his family hasn't forgotten him. He needs the stimulation of seeing various people, having different conversations. He doesn't want to feel that he's just been dumped onto the closest relatives and forgotten by the rest.

Most important of all--you need to do this FOR YOURSELVES. I guarantee--if you pass up this opportunity now, you will regret it in the future. I have 3 siblings. In our case, obviously, I did most of the work. One other sister did a great deal to help me, and keep mom interested and enjoying life. My SIL was also great--often coming up from a distance away to take mom out ot lunch or just to visit. One sister rarely made time to visit unless I specifically 'assigned' her a day to come up, do mom's shopping, take her to lunch. If 'cornered' she'd do a bit, but she really didn't offer much help. And what do you think happened when mom died? The one who helped the least was the one who had the most difficult time with mom's death. The rest of us had no regrets--she had so much guilt and regret that she was really in a bad way, and had a truly rough time getting over it. You don't want to do that to yourselves. Pitch in, help out, be there for someone who needs you. The rewards are great--you will never regret helping out--but i guarantee you will regret it if you don't.

Obviously, given the distance, you can't be there every week, maybe not even every month, but it's not too much to ask that every 2-3 months you take a weekend out of your schedule and spend a couple of days with an older gentleman who will truly appreciate the visit. Really--what else do you have to do that's MORE important than that? I can't think of anything, frankly.

And hey--always remember, we reap what we sow (what goes around comes around)--be the kind of person who has no time for someone who needs you, and you're likely to find that when you reach that stage of life, no one is there for you, either.

You mentioned that you're not sure how you feel about this and that you want to be helpful. In a case like this it seems like everyone needs to pitch in and help. Frankly your Mother in Law should have thought about this before she left on a several month vacation and made arrangements with several family members to care for GF. Ideally every one in the family should have offered to help.

In a situation like this it can be helpful to look at both sides. I'm the caregiver in my family for my 88 year old father who has lived with us for 3 1/2 years. I love him dearly and he deserves the best we can do for him. But I must be honest and admit that at times it can be a burden. Our lives have changed completely and our schedule now revolves around Dad. Perhaps it wouldn't bother me so much if my brothers helped out more. It usually seems that 1 family member shoulders most of the responsibility for elder care. I'd love it if my brothers were more active and volunteered to help rather than having to be asked. One brother is retired and takes multiple vacations each year but I have to ask him to take Dad so that we can get a break. So think how your MIL and cousins might feel about being the primary caregivers.

I am confused about GF's needs - depending on the severity of his macular degeneration and diabetes does he need constant care? How mobile is he? What type of hobbies does he do? If he spent a week with you and brought along some of his hobbies could he be left alone for part of the day? Could you leave him a prepared lunch in the refrigerator that he could get himself?

The work situation shouldn't be a factor in this decision. However there were several good suggestions offered here that you can consider. DH going alone to care for his GF, bringing GF to your home, respite care, taking some time off from work and going to his place (include the weekend and you'll have more time).

Oh my - I just read azzalea's response. She said it so well and it reminded me of a comment my husband made. He said that when my father is no longer with us he doesn't want to feel that he didn't do all he could to make Dad's life happier and my brothers will have to live with their decisions.

I agree. I think you should go and help out for a weekend, and give the others a break.
My gramma got ovarian cancer at 91. She'd fought and won colon cancer 25 yrs earlier. She opted not to do chemo ect. with this one, at her age. Her Dr. didn't want her to be alone, so she called Mom and Dad, who were living in Texas at that time, and they came up and stayed with her the 3 months she had left. My mom's brother and his wife live in that same town Gramma lived in. Another brother lived 50 miles from her. Not once did they offer to come give Mom and Dad a break. I'd always gone to see gramma at least once a month, after Mom and Dad moved down to Texas, and I was working 6 days a week, sometimes 7. (One time I took the day off work to take Gramma to have a cataract removed. Then an elderly ladyfriend of Gramma's came and helped her out a couple of days.) My uncle would stop in a couple times a week to see how Gramma was doing. His wife couldn't be bothered. Not to pat myself on the back, but I went up and stayed overnight, and gave Mom and Dad a day off.
All this to say, I think you should take the weekend and go up and stay with Grampa. I'm sure he'd like to see his grandson and you.
Leslie

Oh my. As the primary caregiver for my mom who lives in the next town, and my having only one sibling, and that sibling lives some hours away, I can't tell you how much "I need some time for myself" (your words). Of course the cousin & his wife didn't ask for help. They are kind, generous people, and probably would love for you to think of it yourself rather than having to ask.

How wonderfully observant of you MIL to acknowledge that they need a break and that perhaps you and your husband could exert yourselves just a bit (you said one day, maybe 2????). Did you stop to think that the cousin & wife also may need some time to themselves and may like a break? They're across the street 24/7. Sorry to sound harsh, but yes, you're being self-centered and blind to what they go through. Your MIL is not blind to it and thoughtfully, on behalf of the cousin, asked your husband to step up to the plate. And you're resenting that???

I adore my mother and don't begrudge anything I do for or with her; I do it with pleasure. But man - how I'd love my sibling to come for a week - or even a few days - and take over for a bit. But he doesn't get it, either.

As said above, I don't want any regrets when my mother is no longer with me, and at this point I don't belive I'll have any. She's happy, content, cared for, and entertained. I suggest you go and extend a courtesy to the cousin and his wife who are doing everything, all the time, that you're not.

Suzieque

Fourteen years ago (gosh, has it really been that long?) DH and I came to live with Mom, at her suggestion. I'm one of four children and the only daughter. At the time, Mom was going through some health issues and shouldn't have been alone, but wasn't ready to leave her home of more than 30 years. While, in some ways, it felt like we gave up a lot to merge households, I wouldn't change a thing, because what we have gained is immeasurable. My three brothers all said that they would be happy to help out anytime, but I know that they are counting their lucky stars that I'm here and they are not. Both DH and I work full time, but over the years things have evolved out of necessity. DH has moved his business home and is actually the one who bears the heaviest load of Mom's care.

We have seen Mom through Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a couple of strokes (which thankfully did not leave her an invalid), and numerous other issues that have come her way. Many days she just doesn't feel like eating and DH has her totally convinced that she is doing him a favor by going to lunch with him because he doesn't like to eat alone. He drives her to most of her appointments, and I take time off work when he is unavailable. Sometimes he drops her off and I leave work to "relieve" him and then bring Mom home. I always accompany her to her oncology appointments so that I can hear what the doctor has to say. We have called on my brothers on a few occasions when it was necessary, and while they rise to the occasion at those times, until last year they never thought to ask if we needed a break (and believe me, a break would have been welcomed). Can't tell you the last time we had a vacation. And the furthest brother lived about 35 miles away.

I feel that I am blessed to be able to see Mom every day and not have to wonder how she is doing, or if she ate her meals or took her medicine. Yes, it's hard for an adult child to live with a parent, but it works for us because we love and respect each other. I know that people think that should be obvious, but believe me, I have seen and heard about lots of families that lack love and respect for each other.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Anyway, last year my baby brother decided to come and stay with Mom for a weekend so that we could get away. It wasn't really a vacation, but boy, it sure felt like one! We just went and visited friends who had recently moved away. And my brother has decided to give us this "gift" once a month. What a blessing! I would never have asked him to do this, but I appreciate it so much. And he has come to better understand what it is to be responsible for the well being of another adult.

I think that my job and DH's job are both "important" too, and I know that we are blessed to have flexibility in them (my boss is great) so that we can be available whenever Mom needs us. Sometimes Mom complains, saying that she hates being a burden, but I remind her that she took total responsibility for my life from birth to adulthood, and I am now completely honored to be able to give back to her a small part of that.

Try to imagine that everybody's job is important and everybody deserves some time for themselves. Do you really want to have regrets later that you didn't spend time with your loved one while they were alive? You only have one family. Treasure your family.

I agree, you are sounding pretty self-involved to me. This is his Grandparent and it isn't asking a lot. Someday it's going to be your turn to need help, what goes around comes around.
I drove 6 hours every other weekend to help with my Grandfather and 32 hour round trips to give my family in CA a break with elderly relatives, and I have never regretted it.
I can't believe you would begrudge 2 days of your time for your husbands family, yet willingly do it for your Dad. Doesn't reflect well on family dynamics to me.. Kathy

I just wanted to mention one last thing. You say Grandfather is 95. I'm sorry to add this--but you don't have the luxory of time. Anyone that old has at best, maybe a few years left (I count 4-5-6 years as a 'few' at that age). Whatever you're being asked to do, will be for only a short time, sadly. And when that window closes, there won't be any way to reopen it. Don't put off making the right decision, before you have no time left to do the right thing.

I do hope you carefully read the responses here--and realize that the truly SELFISH thing to do IS to help out with Grandfather's care--because YOU will be the ones benefitting from it the most in the long run. I think you can see from the responses, we caregivers have gotten far more than we've given from the experience. I hope you're mature enough to understand that lesson, and follow through by helping someone who will appreciate it so very much, and who will only add to your life, whatever the circumstances are.

My best to you, your husband and Grandfather.

Wow, you sure are getting beat up here.
Let me first say that it sounds to me that between caring for your Dad and your work, you are worn out.
You mention that DH would like to do this. Is it perhaps possible that you take a few days of this summer and start the trip with a weekend visit?
That would give the cousins a weekend "off", make your DH feel better and you some time to recupe afterward.
Best wishes!

Gardenspice, thank you for understanding the issue exactly. And thank you to azzalea, mcmann & the others who offered their personal stories & gave thoughtful insights . I work very long days. I do enjoy my job & won't apologize for that. Like a lot of other companies, ours has experienced staff cutbacks over the past few months & most employees are being asked to serve in multiple roles. DH's job is also very demanding & a lot of things at home fall to me to do. I do not think that my job is the most important thing in the world. My own dad is 78 & more than an hour away. My sister doesn't even call to check on him. Yes, I am worn out.

Patser, I have experienced the deaths of more than one close family member. My grandmother was bedridden & in a nursing home before her death. My mother died of cancer after battling it for 10 years. I was one of her caregivers. She was bedridden during her last few months & couldn't feed herself. My days involved going to work & then going to my parents' home & staying until 10-11pm. On Saturdays I would go to clean their house. I helped out with my grandmother during the summers (I was in college at the time). So I do understand about being a caregiver.

Whidbeykathy, I did not say that I would begrudge spending a couple of days helping out GF while willingly doing it for my father. And please do not try to judge my family's dynamics. GF does have other people who can help him. My dad does not, since my sister does not help.

Part of me feels that MIL shouldn't have said anything about it.

I disagree with you here. I think a mother, even of a grown son, has every right to look after the family dynamics, and placing an obligation on her son to look after his grandfather is perfectly fair.

If DH wants to do it, it's probably because he sees how important it would be, for his family. I think as a wife, you have a responsibility to help him fulfill this duty that he feels. This really is not about you--it's about him. This may not mean dropping everything, but it may mean that you do things to make it possible for him to go. Alter the budget to deal w/ gas expenses; rearrange your schedule so he can put in extra hours now to compensate for being away; whatever.

Think of it this way--if grandpa died, wouldn't you both get the time off? Then surely DH can take it now, while he's not dead. You have some advance notice here--surely if you really wanted to, you could figure out some way that your DH could fulfill his obligation to his family--his obligation to his mother, who raised him; his cousin, who cares for his grandpa nonstop; his grandpa, who surely did nice things for him when he was younger; and yes, to himself, to feel that he is shouldering the responsibilities properly.

I work long hours, and have a lot to do. But sometimes there are events in your family's life that is the equivalent of a horrendous deadline at work. You even have some advance notice--much more than you'd have if grandpa died.

I believe this is one of those times.