Sounds like she has a screw or two loose.

Yep this a mental health issue. If he wants to save his marriage he needs to reign in this shopaholic and get her to agree to see a doctor. Compulsions like this are not normal, they are a sickness.

Your friend's wife should be in counseling, as she has a serious issue that needs professional help.

Having said that, if I were your friend --- since the credit cards were issued in his name, too, using his income and credit rating; and since most of those shoes have never been worn and are still in the boxes; and because he has credit card statements now that detail the purchases... if I were your friend, I'd be gathering up a bunch of those boxes and returning them to the stores. The stores would issue credits to the credit cards, bringing the balances down bit by bit. And I wouldn't tell her that I was doing that, either. She'd probably never even know some of the shoes were gone.

Basically you are all agreeing with what I said to him. I know that there are ppl who have a shoe fetish, but in this case I don't think shoes are the problem.

I told him I believe she is having a midlife crisis. She has always been a stay at home mom, and to her credit she is a fantastic mother & homemaker, but their two sons are now grown. One son has his own apartment and is following his father in the electrical trade while the second is off to college so mom is now left sitting at home with nothing to do, so to pass her time she meets her GF's at the mall and they go shopping daily. Now I agree that wandering around the mall for an afternoon is a great way to beat the heat, but if your not careful it can get very expensive.

I suggested a twofold approach.
1. I think she is demonstrating an excessive/compulsive disorder and she should definitely consider professional counseling. ( he said he agreed and his health insurance would cover the cost).
2. I think they need to find some activitity that would occupy some of her time and help her feel like she has a purpose in life.

After I retired I took up serious photography again as a hobby and I told him that on the few occassions that his wife has been to our house she has thoroughly enjoyed looking through our photos. I then told him that Jan & I go out on short day trips to local points of interest two or three times a week to shoot photos. If she would be interested in learning photography I would be glad to have her join us on our day trips. I have a couple spare professional quality DSLR's and a whole list of lenses and such so I would be more than willing to let her use some of my equipment and I would give her serious lessons.

But if that is not to her liking, so be it, I just feel that they need to find some type of activity where she could be creative or help others and thereby boost her self esteem.

Oh I feel bad for both of these people. You are a good friend for them. I'd do like the other poster said and I'd try returning some of those shoes as it can't hurt. I'd also cancel all those credit cards. I can't imagine how his name got on those cards. Both my husband and I have our own cards and we both had to sign something that said we understood this. I couldn't put his name on a card without his knowledge. I guess I could have forged his name though.

Anyway, if I were him, I'd confront his wife about this and encourage both to seek professional help. It sounds like she needs therapy for herself and they both need couple therapy.

I wish these two lots of luck. It would be very tough.

Poor lady is lost and doesn't know what to do with herself. There are probably some serious issues in this marriage that you are not aware of. You seem like a good friend. I hope she gets the counseling she needs. Scratch that, I hope they BOTH get the counseling they need.

Yes, return as many shoes as he can find the stores where they were purchased. First, just do it. Then talk it out with her.

Help her find an outlet. Volunteering does wonders for lots of people.

Finally, let her help returning the shoes.

Above all, cancel the credit cards! But do tell her you are doing so. Don't let her go shopping with one and getting denied at the check out. That would be to devastating.

Maybe a part time job would help giving her something to do?

Counseling will only help, if she actually wants it.

Moni

i don't know oklamoni..maybe the shock of being denied at checkout might give her a wake-up call...and can he close out the cards if they're in her name only?

If she has too much time on her hands, why not get a job and earn the money to pay off the debt?

Shirley

There IS one other possibility. Compulsive spending is one of the first signs of alzheimers. Not saying that's true in this case as I don't know her age or any other contributing factors, but, it's worth looking into.

What gadgets said. That too much time can be filled with a paying job to pay for the shoes that cannot be returned.

The poor guy must have been really shocked.
I agree with the need for counseling and the need to fill her her time - in a productive manner, but I'd be sitting in the front room with the boxes of shoes around me when she got home. She needs to face it.

Let us know how it goes for them. I feel bad for both them.

He also needs to immediately freeze his credit so that no more credit cards can be issued in his name. Whatever the problems are, they're not likely to be fixed overnight and freezing his credit will at least limit future damage. He should also be checking all of the bank account balances every day in case money starts rapidly disappearing from them.

The guy can't let her destroy his career because of her foot fetish. He needs to cover his butt. He needs the loan for tools and now can't get it. I put the sympathy and empathy where it belongs and the responsibility and accountability where it belongs.
-Transfer all joint bank accounts to his name only. Same with vehicles and even real estate should be considered.
-It might be a good idea to get a conservatorship on her so she can't put liens on the vehicles and home. She'll likely do it when she wants more footwear.
-Cancel the cards goes without saying, and no, don't warn her - let her be surprised if she tries to use them again. If you tell her about it, she'll look for other credit sources to defraud.
-Freeze credit, although the way things are going it might be tough to get more cards anyway. She's probably tried.
-She's nuts. Realize it and do something about it. Quit sugarcoating everything. Make her take some responsibility.
-And yes, get her examined. If she's not treatable, then something else needs to be done, total guardianship perhaps.
-Return everything he can.
-Get her out working to learn the value of money. (A job working barefoot might be a good idea.) Give her no more money or his credit. Let her be productive instead of destructive to his life.

As far as starting her with photography? LOL Why give her another reason to spend $15k? That would be silly. A spender spends - for no reason. Why come home to find $15k worth of cameras in the closet? That's called being an "enabler".

I talked to my friend again today, and boy am I proud of him. First thing he said to me was, "Looks like I'm gonna be living alone for a while".

I said, "Oh no, what happened, are you and your wife splitting up?"

He said, "Hell no, after I talked to you yesterday I went home and had a long talk with my wife. I told her that I found out about the credit cards and all the shoes over a week ago. Then I told her, look lady, we really can't afford to continue on this line."

He said, with that she broke out in tears and asked him if he wanted a divorce? And he responded, are you nuts? I have spent over 20years with you, I am too old to start looking for another wife and housekeeper now, besides, we might have a bit of a financial problem here, but that don't mean I don't still love you!

He said they talked late into the night, talked mind you, not hollering or fighting, and he told her he thought she might need some professional counseling to resolve the matter and she agreed; so first thing this morning they called their doctor who not only gave them a referral, but he set up an immediate appointment with a phychiatrist.

He said they went to the shrink and after a two hour session his wife informed him that she wants to enter a 3 to 4 week inhouse treatment facility and take a behaviour modification program, so that explains why he is gonna be living alone for a while...LOL

He said in the last week he has also been in contact with three of the shoe stores and they are willing to work with him to credit a large portion of the shoes back to the store and after a long talk with his banker the bank has agreed to cancel the cards and give him a small home equity loan to pay off the credit card balances. That way the interest will only be 5.5% instead of the 12 to 15% they get on the cards. He further said their house is paid off so that small mortgage won't be a burden.

Then he says to me,,"By the way, I hope you were serious about that offer to teach her photography. She has a nice camera and don't understand how to work it. She said she will definitely be taking those lessons you offered."

I said"that fine with me, but I don't work cheap, if you want me to give your wife photography lessons, you will have to pay for the coffee today"

Oh, I like the way this is going! Good for them, and good for you too, Lazypup. However, family therapy' is often necessary. Few problems are confined to just one family member. When the DW gets her ducks in a row, her DH will probably have to make some adjustments too.

There is *something* about women and shoes. Maybe because your shoe size stays the same even if your dress size doesn't? Maybe because you don't have to get undressed to try them on? Maybe because you can tell yourself that 'everybody needs new shoes sometimes'? (Buying shoes *used* to mean you had a young man kneeling at your feet too!) Both men and women can be looking for happiness via 'retail therapy' though.

woo hoo, that's half the battle over already. Good luck, to both of them.

Moni

The credit cards are not his responsibility if he didn't sign for them - he should call his attorney and have their office straighten this out. Let HER figure out how to pay for them.

It sounds as if things are going as well as they could be at this point, and that is great to hear. I hope her therapy is successful and that they enjoy many happy years together.

You are a great friend. He sounds very level headed. Hope this all works out well.

Kayjones....

First off, calling a lawyer and filing a lawsuite would be the absolute worst thing he could do, given that he desires to continue their marriage.

On the other hand, under marriage law, it doesn't matter who's name is on the card, it is still both his & her debt. Don't believe it, call your lawyer.

All assets that are gained between the inclusive dates of a marriage and divorce or death of either spouse are Marrital Assets and as such they are community property with the exception of "tools of your trade" or assets that either party gain by inheritance.

All debts that are generated during the inclusive dates between marriage and divorce or death of either spouse are MARRITAL DEBTS.

It makes no difference who's name is on the debt, it is legally a marrital debt and in the event of a divorce during the property settlement phase you are required to report to the court all marrital assets & marrital debts. The courts will then dispose of the marrital assets to satisfy the debts, then deduct court fee's and the marrital parties are left with whatever remains, if anything.

Believe me, I have been there and done all that 3 times, and I might add, in three different states.

I just can't let this pass...this was in the paper this morning...it is not an original post from lazypup..albeit interesting reading....

Another great story teller here for sure.

You should cite your source, Maybee.

Maybe,,According to your profile you live somewhere in Iowa and I live in Massachusetts. What is the likelyhood that I read your hometown rag and copied a story from it?

The truth is, this is exactly an original post from me, whether you care to accept it or not,,and furthermore, you have a lot of nerve to call someone a liar without confirming your facts.

Compulsive shoe buying by women isn't all that rare to begin with. Just like spouses that discover a mate's secret gambling habit this can't be all that rare. Buying stuff they don't need is a very common attribute of people in who tend toward episodes of Mania or Obsessive Compulsive Disorders.

But if I were to find something exactly like the story being told then I would at least post a link.

Lazypup, in Missouri, where my experience was, I was not responsible for a credit card balance that my now-ex had, because I did not know about it, did not sign for it .....it depends on the state.

Here is an excerpt from debtconsolidation.com:

The Single Account

When a husband and wife has credit card debt that is present on a card that only lists one spouse and the other spouse is not listed as a co-signer, the spouse that is not part of the account will not be obligated to pay the debt the spouse owes. This is the generally accepted rule. Are there any particular exceptions to this? The only possible exception would be found in such states which are known as community property states.
Community Property States

In community property states, there may be different answers depending upon the particular state that you live in. Some states will look at the possessions of a husband and wife to be shared equally. Such concept of possessions can actually be extended to the debt of a spouse.
That means your spouse�s debt may become your debt as well. The key point here is that you need to examine the word "may" a little closer. Why is this so? The rules might be different depending upon where you actually reside.
There are several community property states. The community property states are as follows: Alaska, Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin. Depending upon where you live, your may incur the debts of your spouse.
But, do not assume that there is anything uniform in terms of how community property and debt work. Each state has its own laws passed by its own legislature. This means what may be law in Texas might not apply at all in Nevada and what is law in Nevada may not apply to the other states.
This means you cannot make any assumptions about one state based on your insight into what occurs in another state. Actually, you should not make any assumptions in any manner whatsoever as only serious research into community property laws will actually yield an accurate assessment.
Seek Out an Attorney

Here is some very helpful advice: do not make any assumptions about the law on your own. Never try to guess about any interpretations of the law. Don't try to ask questions on website message boards. None of these steps will yield results that are reliable.

Have you ever watched the show on tv called Hoarding.

Makes me think she might have that problem.

Iowa is not a community property state. Laws vary from state to state.