Bet that wasn't a surprise you wanted just a few minutes before food being served....I'm not sure how she thought you could accommodate her, or why she thought it was not her responsibility to plan for her own food since she was eating other than the norm. Especially the norm for a 4th of July BBQ/picnic ;)

While it may not look like a satisfying meal to me, I can usually put enough out that someone vegan doesn't leave quite as hungry as they came. Gluten free - I don't do so well with, I really don't know how or what to prepare.

My fav BIL gave up gluten for Lent last year. His brother had been eating gluten free (not a young man either, in his 60's and not diagnosed with the need) and P wanted to see if he could manage, what it was like and what it involved. In support and because he eats here often, I bought some rice flour, some other things and those ingredients are still here. Haven't a clue what to do with them.

You did the right thing, I can't think so fast on my feet! When my youngest became a vegetarian while in middle school, I explained that people did not necessarily need to know, that there was always something she could eat. Of course bringing appropriate food to share is always a good option.

At BBQ's she has made grilled cheese on the hamburger bun. Close friends who know, would supply options. But for the most part it's not expected.

When I'm hosting, especially if I don't know a guest well enough, I will ask if there are restrictions. We have friends who are Greek Orthodox and we plan get togethers when they can eat all foods.

You said the perfect thing. I can't believe she would think that you might make her something! I would guess she'll bring a quinoa salad, or similar. Silly girl.

Maybe she mentioned it so you wouldn't think her scantily-filled plate was a reflection on your food or hospitality.

People on a restricted diet should bring their own food and never expect others to cook special things for them.

You did good with your reply.

You handled it well. I know nothing about special diets and I would have said I hope there is something you can eat.
Mary

My daughter in law is a vegetarian because of religious reasons and she always bring a meat substitute but also enough for anyone else and is very understanding and does not make a issue over it. Curious is she this way by choice. or the gluten is medical. I would either discuss it with your neighbor or the DIL? Being me, I would just come out and ask.
Another thing, is your neighbor elderly? Do you feel that they may be taking advantage of her/him? Being a senior this is something to watch out for to protect the elderly. Just my 2c worth.

Lots of people have dietary requirements or preferences, I can count many among my friends and family. For her to prance in front of you in that way is socially inept and inappropriate. Let her be hungry. Welcome guests should always accommodated but by this display, I wouldn't find her to be a welcome guest.

marie, it sounds like you have a delightful daughter in law. Her approach is perfect.

Did she actually say she expected you to accommodate her, or is it just an assumption on your part that she meant that? I don't really see anything wrong with what she said - she may have just been letting you know. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years, and hardly ever mention it unless it will become an issue, like a plated dinner invitation.

If it is an assumption, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. She may have been feeling awkward because you didn't know about her dietary restrictions but would have felt bad just showing up and not eating anything. I would honestly be surprised if she expected you to accommodate her because that is rude, especially on the day of.

I'm going to a BBQ soon with some friends, and I have never met the host and hostess. I will just go and see what's available and eat from it. I'm bringing a black bean, corn and avocado salad, as well as fresh fruit and cheesecake to share.

Vegetarians often can't win. Some hosts would be horrified if they didn't know about it so that they could accommodate, and others think it's obnoxious to be told that and would rather the vegetarian fend for him or herself. So I just don't say anything unless it would clearly embarrass the host if I politely refuse things.

I think your response was great. When I invite someone to my house knowing they have dietary problems, I try to accommodate them. However, if I were to invite someone not knowing they have dietary issues, I would expect them to just eat around what is served. It leads me to believe we should all be prepared with a good response to a comment like that. Such as "I'm so glad you told me. I won't feel so bad when you don't eat" LOL

I think you handled it well. I'm tired of being expected to work around what other people choose to eat or not. I get enough of that with Dh and the kids. They know not to push my limits or I simply won't feed them. I find it easier to say this is what I'm serving to my family. Feel free to bring what you like.

You're quick on your feet! Great comeback!
She was obviously looking for a handout of someone else doing all the work catering to her "needs".

"By the way, I should probably tell you that I only eat vegan and gluten free food."

There isn't one single thing in that sentence that sounds like a demand for you to prepare special food for her,

It sounds like she's being a good guest by letting you know that she'll be eating only certain things so that you won't think your food is the problem.

There's a very broad possibility that you took offense at a good-intentioned comment.

(& it doesn't seem likely, does it, that a guest would inform the hostess that she wanted/expected special food, especially on the day of the party?)

Comments like 'we should all be prepared with a good response to a comment like that. Such as "I'm so glad you told me. I won't feel so bad when you don't eat" LOL' have no place in conversations between hostess & guest.

Being a hostess puts more 'etiquette' obligation on you than on your guests;
if you cannot tell whether your guest was letting you know her dietary restrictions or whether she was wanting to know if there were vegan dishes on the menu, the hostess's obligation is to clarify so that you & your guest understand each other.

Except, as Rhizo shared with us yesterday, this wasn't a 'dinner' where she was acting as hostess so much as an impromptu last-minute neighborhood potluck where she had graciously offered her back yard. A little different than a dinner party with a more formal role as hostess.

What I find a little annoying at my age and can't muster up strong desires to accommodate - a younger set who sways back and forth to whatever is popular at the moment. One month it's no carbs, another only raw foods, then vegetarian, and more and more gluten free whether its appropriate for their health or not. Do they stay with it long enough to even know if they are benefitting from the changes? It doesn't seem so to me, and I don't bend over backwards preparing special dishes.

If a friend or invited guest has an actual dietary restriction and I want to enjoy their company, another matter completely, I'll do the best as is within my skills in the kitchen.

My son has been vegan for 6-7 years. He would never say to a host before a party that he is vegan or expect to be accommodated. Of course people that know he is vegan will make sure there are things he can eat. If he were going someplace he wasn't sure about the food he would either eat before going, bring something, or just try to find something he could eat from what is served.

That was fast thinking on your response, but how did she react that convinced you she expects you to accommodate her dietary requirements?

In the past two years my niece has gone from eating "normal" foods to being super picky about everything.... no gluten, no sugar, no processed anything, yada yada yada. Her MIL recently had them over for dinner and (as a joke) allegedly served her bird seed on a plate. Do you have any bird seed, rhizo? LOL!!!

sorry, I did misunderstand about the hosting (see how easy it is for that to happen?)

Since it's a neighborhood thing, it seems even more unlikely that this young woman was expecting *anybody* to prepare special food for her.

Well, our backyard party was a great success! Lots of great food, lots of fun with the kids, and lots of laughter. I really have some pretty terrific neighbors!

Sylvia, I'm not going to fault you for being so incredibility judgemental when you had none of the facts. We weren't the hosts and not even the organizer of this spur of the moment party. By the way, I AM a fabulous hostess when it's my party. :-)

For those of you who give me credit for thinking fast in replying to this young woman.....not so! It was a one hundred percent honest comment, since the whole idea was that everyone was bringing something to share. I would have enjoyed learning something.

And Sylvia, you also weren't there in that moment to be able to evaluate her meaning. She fully expected to be accomodated by me. That really became obvious when she didn't bring anything! Mor, you nailed it....she really had no reason for either of her dietary choices (I did ask, just out of interest) and was also very uninformed about what was taboo under her guidelines. I think that I knew more than she did, but I said nothing as she enjoyed big servings of everything with mayo, cheese, and pasta. "There's lots of foods that I can eat here."

Anyway, I loved getting everything gussied up. I dressed the two borrowed picnic tables with pretty cloths and mason jars filled with my garden flowers and little flags. I laid out a big quilt on the ground for the kids, which they loved.

I set up a buffet on my patio tables, and the grill and coolers were up there, too. I dug up some old blue spatterware for more cut flowers.

I won't tell you about all the food except for one thing......I had made some spicy ginger cookies yesterday and made ice cream sandwiches using frozen lemon yogurt. OMG, what a great combination!

Everyone helped clean up, put things away, divied up leftovers, even emptied the trash. We'll do it again at the end of summer!

Marie, your comment about elder abuse is well taken....Robert and I have already wondered if all is well over there. Am glad to say that he is clearly being generous with his means while they get back on their feet and they are very respectful to him. It was a delight to see him dote on those little girls and vice versa.

Whew....I'm tired!

Well, if she ate mayo and cheese she's definitely not vegan...maybe she meant vegetarian? Glad the party was a great success....that would never happen in my neighborhood...sigh.

Rhizo, love it. Good thing no one took her seriously. But I am surprised that she also did not contribute a dish. Then again, maybe I shouldn't be.

Rhizo, that must have been a very awkward moment for you. I'm glad the party went well.
I'm hoping that the vegan is doing her part to help with meals while she stays with her Dad next door.

Glad the party went so well! But seriously... she announced that she only eats vegan and gluten-free and then proceeded to eat things like wheat-based pasta and egg-based mayo?! OMG. That's beyond stupid and there seems to be a lot of it going around these days where food is concerned. LOL!!!

Reminds me of the guy who said his favorite Subway sandwich is the vegetarian sub with double bacon. :p

Glad it worked out for you. I thought it was a bit thoughtless of her but I like that you stated the obvious. My niece is glutton free due to some health issues. She has never been diagnosed but she decided to try this on her own to see if her condition improved (which it did). Anyway, she brings her own food to every get together for herself only but not for her kids. They can eat glutton. It used to bug me that she presumed that no one would have glutton free food but after talking to her, it made total sense She didn't want to put anyone out so she just brought her own food.

Gluten is hiding in so many things that someone trying to avoid it at a potluck would have to bring her own food.

No, I wasn't being judgmental.

Your post said what the young woman said, which didn't sound at all like a demand for special food.

(& if there's a party at your house, you are the hostess & you are the one who has those duties.)

What I objected to, & still do, is the 'piling on' that happened here, the eagerness to chime in with snarky comments & suggestions of returning rude behavior for perceived rude behavior.

If she ate mayo, etc, I wonder if she understands what 'vegan' & 'gluton' are.

I'm glad your party went well.

This post was edited by sylviatexas on Sat, Jul 5, 14 at 8:38

I feel that she declares herself a vegan and requiring a gluten free diet as a way of getting attention or singling herself out in a crowd. She did strike me as very immature and not confidant in her own skin.

It was a briefly awkward moment, but mostly for her family, I think. I'm thinking that she'll outgrow her dietary choices before she even figures out what is involved.

I took her under my wing and her real personality came out shortly....shy, funny, searching for her confidance. She seemed to really enjoy herself once she relaxed.

I wish that she had been a 'real' vegan or truly gluten intolerant because I would have loved some one on one education. I knew that she wasn't going to be ligit when I saw her dive into the homemade buttermilk veggie dip I made.....and the couscous salad.....and deviled eggs, potato salad, strawberry shortcake, etc. :-)

In truth....an individual with those two dietary restrictions would have gone hungry last night unless they brought their own food.

rhizo, those ice cream sandwiches sound wonderful!!! I'm glad the party went well.

It seems that a lot of people are following certain diets because they think it's the popular thing to do or someone told them it was a good idea. A lot of them, like this young lady, don't even know the requirements for that particular diet or if they do, why they're following it.

Jimmy Kimmel did a video asking people if their diet was gluten free. If they said yes, they were asked what gluten is. None of them could give an accurate answer, though a couple at least were able to say that it has something to do with some grains. You could tell that none of them was gluten free because of any actual gluten intolerance.

Dr. Oz always has guests on his show suggesting eliminating this or that group of ingredients and loading up on others. No telling what ideas people have glammed onto anymore, or what they call it.

When ever I had reason to eat "special", I would always bring things that I could eat, enough to share if anyone else wanted to try it as well. I figure the point is to share company, and if we all don't eat from the same dishes what does it matter LOL?

Usually my line was "You don't have to do anything special for me. Do you mind if I bring something to share?" and it was almost always taken well. Or if I knew it was burgers I would bring my own veggie burger to mic or grill, that sort of thing.

Glad your 'do' turned out well!

Dances.