Politically incorrect Mother-in-law question (ugh)
running_mom
11 years ago
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Comments (43)
scrappy25
11 years agostolenidentity
11 years agoRelated Discussions
Why green politics is not received well
Comments (8)Relax everyone, this thread begins with a political screed having little relationship to the "environment". Change "environment" to immigration or public education and the rant is equally applicable. Mother Nature has pro-enviro lobbyists, but they all compete from the same limited pool of financial support and figure-heads. What Mother Nature doesn't have is widespread and deeply committed citizens working toward pro-enviro ends. When environmental conditions become so bad (if they ever do) that the powers-that-be cannot divert public attention away from the mess, they political action might bring about marginal improvements. Environmentalism/love-of-nature/outdoor-ism/etc. is in the heart of each of us who claim to have voices to be heard about environmental issues. Environmental ethics win the hearts; hard politics win the programs. OTOH heavy-handed govt action has proven ineffective, often counter-productive in promoting the elements of environmentalism at the bedrock of our visions for the country....See MoreHow to handle a very rude mother in law?
Comments (22)luvstocraft has written an excellent post, IMO. I agree with her completly. I'd also like to add something for you to consider. I unexpectedly lost my own Mom was I was 19. She was my best friend. Painful loss. When I married, I was overjoyed to have a Mom's presence again. Not that MIL would/could replace my own mother but she was there for me when I had questions or just needed to talk. We developed a strong, loving relationship. In time, I called her, "Mom". I'm certain my real Mom watched my relationship with MIL bloom with pleasure. She would not have wanted it to be strained in any way. My MIL was not a perfect woman. Neither am I. She cooked different than my mother. She raised her children different than I was raised. Her accent was different. Her mannerisms were different. But, her love was the same...I've no doubts it was genuine & came from her heart. MIL often told me that she worried raising her two sons that, someday, she would have bad relationships with her DILs...and how happy she was that I accepted her. Her worst fear of her son's marrying was rejection. She was afraid that her importance in her son's life would be reduced to an obligatory phone call on Mother's Day. She was afraid her son would spend all of the Holidays with his wife's family because she'd taught him to honor his wife. She'd raised her son to be independant & strong. That left her afraid he would no longer need her in his life. When the grandkids came, she was afraid her DIL would always turn to her own mother & there would be no place for her in the grandkids' lives. We lost MIL 3 years ago come the end of June. We lost FIL January '08. I miss them both terribly. I believe our relationships are what we make of them. I became the daughter my MIL never had. She became the mother I lost. It worked because we both put forth great effort to bridge the differences. We talked together, we argued with each other & then apologized for harsh words, we cried together over silly girl-stuff, we disagreed & then agreed it was OK that we viewed something different than the other. Someday, your MIL will be gone. You will either view her as a valued & cherished member of your family or you will be bitter & angry at your differences. The choice is really up to you. The ball is in your court to either allow her a place in your family & heart, or not. Like it or not...woman are the glue that sticks families together. There's an old New England custom...summer homes are popular here (they're called "camps"). When the patriarch/matriarch of the family passes...the "camp" is often willed to the wife of the oldest son. Yes, the property goes to the wife. Why? Because it is respected that women will hold the family together & even through difficult times the summer house will be filled with family laughter making good memories. You are the glue between your DH's family & your own. You can embrace that responsibility & honor it...or you can reject it. We reap what we sow. The next time you see your MIL...greet her with a genuine from the heart big hug & a smile, tell her how glad you are to see her looking well & that the kids can spend some time with their grammy. Then, look in her eyes. Look hard. Watch them soften. Someday, you may find yourself in the role of MIL. Be a good example to your kids. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh. I'm getting old & I've lost a lot of family. Don't wait until they're gone to appreciate them. /tricia...See Morein laws
Comments (26)Ok, so for others to think it is weird to read it, imagine how I felt when I first met them. I get that it may sound off the wall, but who could honestly make this up? I have to laugh, my gosh, I WISH it were all a joke. I was so absolutely confused when I met them, not only am I in the beginning stage of my relationship with my now husband, but the confusion with the fact that I AM A GOOD PERSON, and yet, everything I did in their eyes was wrong, and after so much of that you begin to question yourself. It's difficult enough to learn the dynamics of a family, but a family like this is just overwhelming. Like I said, I never met a family like this before. I recently made the cult analogy to my husband as a joke, then I started thinking that their behavior really is cultish. Sylvia, one thing I noticed about the Grandma is she does back down when the other "outsider" (I'll call her "Suzy") in the family stands up to her, but it's short lived. That marriage had years of problems because of the Grandma, and they finally moved out of state. When I first met the family, they'd all talk about the Suzy and bash her constantly, behind her back of course. And I thought, oh my gosh she must be a terrible person. Then, I met her, and she was totally nice to me, and I could tell she felt uncomfortable around the family. That's when things started to click, and I slowly began to realize that Grandma feeds everyone with her negativity, and I think the daughters learned this from the Grandma. So when I finally had the blow up with the sisters, and the family came back to me faulting me and blaming me for how I communicated with them by email, I was so completely frustrated and I went off on a tangent about all the nasty things I felt about this family, and told them how I think they treat people with such disrespect, especially Suzy. My husband grew up with it his whole life, and was so used to it that he never realized it until I started pointing it out. He knew his sisters were rude and warned me, so I don't mean it like he's completely oblivious, but when I asked him if Suzy had ever been rude to him, he said no, and then I started to point out how your family always bashes her, but it never seems justified, then he started to pay attention, and realized much of it was a fabrication from Grandma's negative attitude. Suzy is like me, she isn't really one to conform, though she's not rude either, but everyone has a breaking point. From what I hear, they've had a lot of marital problems and I suspect it's because of Grandma and the family. I mean, come on, anytime you are in the presence of people who whisper when your back is turned, you CAN tell, you can sense it. That's what the sisters have done to me, and I suspect they've learned that from Grandma. I get what everyone is saying about be nice and gently disagree, but they are so persistent it's irritating. And, you can't have a conversation with one person, they all have to chime in together, so it's like you against all of them. When I get frustrated, you can see that I'm frustrated. And they get defensive. I've learned to start walking away, when I can, but sometimes I regret not saying something, and at the same time I don't want to be "that person" at the party who crashed it because she blew her stack. LOL. Lonepiper, I do agree - I'll never be good enough, and my attitude is changing to the idea that if you don't like me for who I am, too bad, get over it. I suppose my distancing myself from them is my way of rebelling. If I get visibly angry with them, I get the "well EXCUSE me" attitude, and then they won't come over for a year, which frustrates my husband that they ostracize us. So, it's a viscious circle. If my husband didn't have a close bond with his family, I could care less, but again, I also have to think of his needs, so I try to be the bigger person. Txnursing, it's not that we let the guilt trip get to us, it's the anger that follows it that I can't stand. It's like dealing with a five year old. The Uncle is the worst. It'll be like this - he'll ask us to come over. My husband will say that we have plans with my family. Then he'll insist on my family coming over. THAT appalls me, as if my whole family is supposed to change their plans because what Uncle has going on is more important or better than what my family could possibly be doing. Seriously, that's his attitude, and he's very pretentious, everything is about "image" and he acts like people want to live his lifestyle of entertaining everyone all the time. Sometimes we just want to sit home and watch a movie. Screw your image if you are a nasty person, right? He doesn't ask us much anymore, but now it's like we've been ostracized. We get invited to family functions, more or less like it's expected of him, but that's it. And, he's given me the cold shoulder since I didn't go up during a holiday and kiss his family's butt after the sister incident - they wanted me to "brush it under the carpet" and swallow my pride once again (oh, and this was an "intervention" that took place at a mutual friends house). I stood my ground, refused to spend the holiday with the family, and this is the end result. My husbands friend said to me at that time, why do you always have to swallow your pride and they just keep treating you like crap and it's supposed to be ok? Honestly, it's reached a point where I'm bordering on despising them, but I think that's a good thing because a healthy attitude in this situation can only be one of, "I don't give a crap" what they think. silversword, your response made me laugh. I wonder what they'd do if I plugged my ears and did the, "la la la la la la la la" as I walk away. *Chuckle*...See MoreDon't want to be bridesmaid...mother in law wedding
Comments (23)Thank you all for all the advice and opinions. I have ordered the dress and I am going through with it. I did try to talk to the bride. I declined the nail, hair, makeup appointments on the reason that I will just not have time that day to attend them. She is now very angry with me because I am not "cooperating" with what she wants for her "special" day. My hair & makeup will not match the other bridesmaids or hers. Oh well, life moves on. I got the matching dress and I have a hairdresser friend who is coming to my house to do my hair & makeup(this helps me with time because I don't have to go anyplace). I am not the cake server, just the cake maker & set up. Yes, I will be attending the wedding anyhow....the reason I originally agreed....I would be there anyhow..why not stand up for her. It got way more complicated after that point. My husband will be helping me. He has to get ready for the wedding as well and has his own list of "chores" he is supposed to be getting done the day of the wedding. He will be getting the boys ready....we have 2. I will be responsible for our daughter. Not sure where the communication in the thread came from that said i had 3 boys....i may have typed something incorrectly. Bride is also upset that I am not allowing my daughter to attend the nail, hair, makeup sessions too. She is 8 years old and is supposed to be a jr. bridesmaid but IMO she does not need nails & makeup done. My friend is doing her hair when she does mine. I really am trying to make this all work. I have a very tight schedule that day. It keeps getting worse....yesterday the bride tells me she wants everyone at the wedding site at 2 pm....wedding is at 5. I just came right out and said....that is pretty much impossible for me with everything else but I will have your cake done and ready for the reception and myself & the children will be there and ready to walk down the aisle when its our turn. I know how hectic weddings can be.....I deal with brides all the time. I am a cake decorator. In the months of May & June, I make as many as 5 wedding cake per week to be set up and delivered. I can deal with busy & stress. NEVER, have i ever had a bride behave as this one has. Lesson learned i suppose. Someone posted something about my in laws loving me or trusting me. I'm not all that sure that its that but more that there is no one else for her to turn to, to get things done. She has burned a lot of bridges over time. & I am apparently glutton for punishment. haha Also, I did decline to host the wedding showers and bride is very upset because no one else did them so they had not a single wedding shower. I offered to help if anyone else wanted to plan them but no one did. Again, thank you all so much for your help!! Ill post back later and let everyone know how everything ended up going. Date is April 17th. We shall see....I will put my very best effort forth...that is all I can do. :-)...See Morewilliamsem
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