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Disengagement?

16 years ago

Can anyone recommend a previous thread, or an article, about the concept of disengaging?

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Comments (9)

sweeby
16 years ago
The idea is real simple.
In a nutshell, you just say to yourself:

"Not my problem."

Of course, when it comes to your SS and his future, a total lack of involvement could let it become your problem! That is, if he doesn't find a path and get himself on it, and if your husband enables his aimless drifting. But you could certainly give the situation a year or two before allowing your self to get too worked up about.
ashley1979
16 years ago
Disengagement is really hard for people who genuinely care for others. I disengaged from my SD and a very good friend last year. I am in the process of disengaging from my sister. I genuinely love and care for these people, but I can't be constantly hurt by them anymore.

The key to disengaging is to know their actions aren't personally aimed at you, but by you being there, you are preventing their actions from hitting their targets.

Good luck!
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pseudo_mom
16 years ago
Not my kids... not my problem!!!

put disengagement in the search field many many posts will come up with that topic!!

What is your take on socks!!!!!
tinkstar
16 years ago
I have 2 SS age 30 & 32 they are awful to me and their wives are worse than they are! I disengaged right before the holidays this past year. I would reccomend it to anyone!!! For the first time in the 10 years that I have been married to my husband, my Christmas was relatively stress free. He went and spent a little time with them - while I went out with a friend, and it worked out great! My husband is a wonderful man, and we have NO other issues, but if I hadn't done this, my marriage would be on the skids now. Thank you disengagement!!
nancy_jean
16 years ago
I never heard of this " Disengagement" I LOVE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It may be my answer-ty NJ
pseudo_mom
16 years ago
In order to successfully disengage, you have to accept some realities. They are:

1.Your SKs are not your children.

2.You are not responsible for overcoming their previous "raising."

3.You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.

4.You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.

5.You are not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because you married their dad.

6.You are not responsible for raising your SKs.

7.All the responsibility belongs to your DH.

8.Your DH is not a mother.

9.Your DH is not going to raise his children the way you want him to.

10.Your SKs are not going to turn out the way they would if DH supported you.

What all this means is this: You must stop parenting your SKs. You must stop telling them what is expected of them. You must stop disciplining them. You must turn over all responsibility for them to your DH. You must allow DH to make whatever mistakes he makes.
lamom
16 years ago
I like this thread! Very helpful, especially pseudo mom's break down.
pseudo_mom
16 years ago
I cannot take credit for that ... its part of a bigger essay

Do a search for "disengaging essay" ... and you can read the rest of it.
ulrike1
16 years ago
I learned disengagement very early on...and it actually led to engagement eventually. Now I have a lot of input into the raising of my SDs, but it took early disengagement to make it work. It makes you a lot more fun for the SKs to be with, too! And it makes for a gender roles policy in the house that can be the envy of "intact" families, ha.

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