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Last Chance

18 years ago

Greetings.

Last week, I asked my husband for a separation.

For those of you who have not read my prior posts, I married a man with three teenage children who are poorly behaved. BM sent the oldest two to boarding school.

I now realize that the problem is not the SKIDs but DH, who fails to recognize just how stressed out and depressed trying to adjust to this new family situation has made me. He seemed oblivious, and unwilling to try different solutions (I think his first wife had the same problem.)

DH wants to work things out, and does not want to divorce.

What conditions should I set in order to try to make the marriage work?

Can a person learn to be empathetic? How long would that take?

I think DH has to go to therapy with the SKIDs to help them resolve their anger and issues surrounding their parents divorce. I also believe that DH needs to set boundaries and limits with the SKIDs. I also believe that DH needs to be more empathetic to his children's needs.

Thanks.

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Comments (2)

kkny
18 years ago
I am sorry this is hitting you over the holidays. That is so sad.

Maybe DH will have learned from two broken marriages. Maybe X had suggested counseling and he wouldnt willingly participate. Maybe he has grown.
imamommy
18 years ago
newstepmom,

In my opinion, you should get him into counseling. Find a good counselor that is trained in step family issues but first focus on your marriage. His children need help but he and his ex also need to learn how to set limits and take control of their children. If he doesn't want a divorce, he needs to understand that things must change. When my husband and I took a step families parenting class, there were several of those "eye opening" moments when we realized where we had made mistakes and learned new ways to deal with things. Your husband and his ex need to be a team, and as his wife, you are also part of the team. If they aren't willing to parent their children, then it's up to you to accept that or leave. It's really sad to me when a marriage ends, especially if it's because of step children. The children will grow up and move on to have their own lives and the parent's that sacrificed relationships will be alone. It's even more sad when the children don't ever appreciate that sacrifice.
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