Don't give him cold shoulder. Lay it all out. Specifically. I don't like it when you _____________ because I feel _____________ when that happens. Then tell him what you will do. Example. My 7 year old (yep, because that's how old your dh is acting!!) keeps not appreciating what I do for her. Not only that, but acting like a little brat prior to us doing fun stuff. I finally told her today that I am tired of feeling like this. I told her I cannot control what she does, but I can control how I react to it. So the next time she doesn't listen to me about eating in the living room or whatever, I'm not going to get all upset. We're just not going to do the fun stuff we had planned. Then I won't feel that she's taking advantage and martyr myself. End game. I think she got it. So, what will you do when DH does something like that? DH: I think your tattoos are hideous. You: I apologize for my husband. That was innappropriate to say to you, a guest in our home. Would you like to come with me to the patio for some tea? DH: Rush Limbaugh is an idiot, I don't see how any smart person could listen to him. You must be an idiot. You: It's obvious we have different opinions on this subject. Aren't politics a heated subject!! By the way, Aunt Jen, this is a lovely coffee cake. How did you make it so fluffy and light? By doing that, it takes the attention from him, lets him and everyone know that you won't stand for it, and lets him off without the humility of being kicked or told off. Just smile, and cut him off at the chase. Diffuse while in the heat of it, then when you get him alone have specific things to tell him, without anger or blame.

My son's greatest fear in his "I must be nice" is due to the fact the ex-DIL could fly off with the grandson and not return. I understand that. She has taken the grandson a couple times to Europe with her to visit her mother. She dumps grandson off there for 2 weeks while she travels around and enjoys herself then picks him back up, visits a day or two herself and then returns to the states. Grandson really hates this. Being stuck with someone he had never met, speaks little of his language, eats totally different foods than he is use to and won't allow him to call his father stating it cost to much. The other grandmother is kind to him and tries hard to bond with grandson, but the whole thing is upsetting to him. If the BM would remain with him during these visits at least the first few so they could get use to each other , but no, she can't be bothered. BM is a very selfish person and does not seems to have the ability to have empathy. Our fear is that grandson may be taken over there if ex-DIL gets too angry or things fail with new BF. So here I am , afraid to 'rock the boat' too strongly. I do think the above posters suggestions of trying to limit phone calls is the right direction, but I will have to talk to her at least once a week. Maybe texting would be best. Short messages which could be answered briefly in return without her thinking really I'm avoiding her. I do most the running back and forth for pick-ups so the new GF does not get stuck doing it. Grandson gets out of school at 1:30 on pick-up day and ex-DIL wants him picked up right away so she can be off doing her plans for 'her break' as she calls it. She would be 'best friends' with the GF if she could and bug the GF just as she does me. The one time the GF went to pick up grandson, BM had her come to the house, had made a late lunch and the GF really was put out listening to a couple of hours of BM rattle on and on. Bottomline, BM really needs to make a friend or two and instead she tries to go on as if we really will continue to be one big happy family including even the GF--we can all just be best friends. Sport games are usually on Sunday afternoon (Y sponsered) and I end up sitting with BM a few rows in front of son and GF, if not, then BM would be sitting with them. She invites us all out for dinner after which we decline. Then she pouts when son, GF, and either me or my husband and I take grandson out to eat without her and after drops off grandson, always running out and asking if we'd now like to come in for coffee. GF holds her own fairly well with BM if it's over the phone, but GF does not want to become best friends and for them to do non-parenting things together (shopping, lunch, ect). When BM called GF (not son, GF) to deliver 'rules' for bedtime, meals, acceptable activities, and whatnot the GF just listened but not agreeing. When son got home and told, he called BM and explained to her that those are the rules at BM's house but not the rules at his house and that she should talk to him. The more I think about this, I think it's time I have a long talk with ex-DIL and tell my son beforehand that I am going to. I don't think this all would be so hard to deal with if ex-DIL was born and raised in the states and we did not have to have the fear of her leaving the states with the grandson lurking in the background. None of us want to have a international custody battle and chance not being a part of the boy's life. Thanks for letting me unload.

Oh the ease which some judge others. First of all, I have healed from bitterness. It is a tough thing to overcome, but I did it. I know several people who were severely wronged and bitterness set in. Now, for the person to take their bitterness out is wrong. Carrying it is not. God made us all differently. Additionally, there are things that can culminate throughout life that can attribute to a person carrying this disease. What the person needs more than anything is a compassionate, loving, and firm hand to help them rid themselves of it. Our society is filled with convenience. Come on, if we're going to address the issue, let's not attack a pain and let's deal with the bigger problem. How often do you walk down the street and ignore the one who is hurting? The Bible reminds us not to forget the hungry and the poor. Now, I'm not hungry and poor. That was not my plight. Tell me that today, in our society, we have not turned the hungry and the poor over to a system so we can enjoy our stress free life. Folks, the cancer that is forming is a direct result of our own desire for ease and convenience. Get over it and move on, you say. I think that depends on how devastating and long lasting the wound is. My experience lasted 21 years. Do you really think I was going to come out of that without some kind of baggage? Do you really think I was capable of understanding what I was dealing with? I do now and have succeeded. Yes, I wanted help and got it. However, some of the responses here bite me. It's not just growing up. It's letting go. I know of a lady who is extremely successful. Everyday she goes to work and has a very successful career. However, at home she is a raging tyrant. Nobody knows what she is doing to her family. There is no physical abuse, but there is continual chaos. I am working with the children in that home, but there is really nothing I can do to change the situation. There are no "laws" being broken. It is emotional abuse, which is hard to prove. Do you think those kids will have some issues to work through once they are grown? Let's look at all of the angles and not attack. God bless.

colleenoz, i don't know what to say. But i kinda don't want break up before seeing what's happening. I gave him a warning and told him what i think and he said he agrees with me and he should grow a pair. But i did think what you have just said. Weak character is not a good thing for anything and he is rather weak when it comes to standing up to people. And as you said, sex with an ex is not my concern exactly, but these other things you mention and him saying he doesn't have a control when he does. And i did tell him that and as i said he answered he needs to grow a pair. And he said himself he feels exhausted and fear that he is gonna loose me and his daughter again in a period of few months. I will be honest, for someone for who i am rather sure that loves me...he is not thinking of what he is saying. Talk of 2 and a half hour is an alarm and he called me after that and told me he feels bad about he talked for so long with her. And when it old him not to give out that much of information he told me "as you said...i can't help but talk with her when she talks". That tells me he is either scared of her or didn't get over it. His ex did a lot of crap to him. They had 5 years of on-off relationship which ended up pretty badly. She broke off their engagement over text on Valentines day, she was texting him after break up to let him know she slept with someone else, and later when he would find someone else she would show up at his door to try and win him back. Later on they got a child, she accused him of domestic violence that never happened and put him 5000 pounds into debt cuz he had to go court to see his kid again. So with saying that kind of amount of bad things happen to him caused by her...you are right, he is maybe emotional about her but more in a negative way maybe. But tell me your opinion - you think he is emotionally into his ex? In what way?