inappropriate games

16 years ago

This is not a stepchild issue, but I know a lot of parents come to this sight so I was hoping to get some advice:

This is very difficult. The other day I found out that my 10 year old daughter did some disturbing things with another 10 year old girl. They were playing in my daughters room with the door open when this occurred. The friend had went home and I found a bra on my daughters bed that was not my daughters. When I asked her where it came from she broke down and with some prying I got the story out of her. Her friend suggested some innappropriate "games" that included taking shirts off, kissing with tongue, and touching their bottoms.

I cried, lectured my daughter, and then marched her right over to the other girls home and told them what had happened! The other girls parents were not shocked!!!!! They then told me that another child had "played" this game with their daughter 2 years ago and they thought it would not occur again. I told them that my husband and I decided it was best that they do not play again. They agreed.

I am so upset about this situation and we do not know how to deal with it. My daughter said the other girl initiated this game, and the other girl admitted it. I expressed to my daughter that she should know better than to let this type of game occur. She even admitted to knowing it was wrong, but was just doing what her "friend" wanted. My husband and I talked to her about not doing things that make you uncomfortable (she said she was uncomfortable during this).

Any suggestions on how to deal with this???????????????????

I am still just so upset over it!

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Comments (4)

sylviatexas1
16 years ago
Kids do "practice" on their friends-
practice kissing, practice hugging, etc.

It sounds like this just went too far.

I'd blow my nose & go on & consider the matter closed.

If you keep being upset & questioning your daughter, you'll make her own feelings worse.
seekingpeace
16 years ago
Dear helpwiththis,
Your daughter is probably ashamed and is looking to you for guidance and support on this one. The calmer you are the better - the harder you come down on what the other girl did- the harder it will be for your daughter to get over this. You did a great thing to tell your daughter not to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable-keeping a line of communication open will only benefit both of you as she moves through puberty. Leave it be and move on. Experimentation is not the end of the world unless you make it so. You know your daughter, so trust that you can reaffirm what is morally right without bad feelings.
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Good Morning Missred.... I think that I would call the school board office ( if this is a public school ) and ask them what the policy is about bullying. If it is a private school I would ask for a meeting with members of the board. These days they should be much more sensitive about this type of treatment from one student to the other. My children attend a private school and I would not hesitate to take whatever measures necessary to have this situation improved.....my youngest is 10 and I asked her what is done for her class. She told me that if kids take advantage of another child (that is what they are teaching that bullying is) they are pulled out of class and spend the day with the elementary counselor. It only takes one act to cause this. They have to do that for much less severe treatment than your daughter has been receiving. Are you saying that the bully has engaged your daughter in inappropriate touching? If that is the case I would raise h3ll...today. I had a situation when my older daughter was in elementary school and the child involved was moved to another class...that day. I don't know how they handled it after that but I was assured by the principal that it would be handled. That is not to be tolerated. Not even once. It is lawsuit waiting to happen or guaranteed spot on the evening news. I think that is why the Principal moved so quickly in our case. I don't think that the size of school should dictate the action taken here. I have taken teachers to task as have many other parents have in our private school and the next year their contracts have not been renewed. If a teacher was not doing everything possible to stop this I would be there everyday after school and would probably pull my child out of their class. As far a students behavior is concerned your school has a responsibility to provide a safe environment for each student. They are clearly not doing that. Take them to task. Do it today. You should not have to talk to the mom unless you are allowing your daughter to play with the bully outside of school. I cannot imagine that you are doing that. Do not allow the school to approach the situation as something that the girls need to work out as though your daughter is at fault in some way.
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First you say "I am really mad at him. And I think we should go to family counseling because that's not something you say to a 9 year old girl." Then later on you say "and we joke a lot too, maybe it's not funny to some of you but like the other day he called and said he was coming early and I said oh shoots I'd better hurry to get the pool boy gone. Or he will say if I'm not staying over at someone's house but coming home that night "better cancel the dancing girls". Not every time but we do joke about adult stuff." My BF and I will joke around like this too. I'll show up at his house (because I have a key) and he'll say it's a good thing I got rid of my other girlfriend before you came over. I think the kids might have even overheard some of the things we've said sometimes, but not intentionally. But what shocks me about hubby's comment was the "fantastic sex drive" bit. Why do you want a girl with fantastic sex drive unless it's to have sex? To me that's crossing the line. My BF might joke about having another girl - but he would never go into detail and say she has a great sex drive or likes to have lots of sex. But then again, if you have the type of relationship where you're able to joke with each other like that, it should not be a problem. So I'm a little confused. At first it seemed like you had a real problem with his comment. You said if he said this when you were dating it would be over. But then you say the two of you joke around like this all the time. So why does this comment bother you but the others don't? Like immamommy said, what advice were you looking for? I think there's more going on than this. If this was the first time my husband said something like this I would not all of sudden think we needed family counseling. I'd try to talk to him first about it. My knee jerk reaction would not be "we need family counseling". People don't even go to counseling for far, far worse situations, one little slip of the tongue does not make me want to run to a family counselor. Unless there are other issues going on...
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mudhoney
16 years ago
I highly suspect that either your daughters girlfriend or her friend has been or is being molested. I say this because I was in that situation. I was molested by my grandfather and initiated inappropriate games with my best friend at a very young age. Young children do not usually do these things spontaneously, at least in the manner you have described. That said, I think this is an opportunity for you to teach your daughter some very important lessons, about the sanctity of her body, her feelings, and that she can come to you about any situation that makes her feel uncomfortable. Ditto what seekingpeace said, there is a ton of shame around this behavior, even if she didn't initiate it. You might mention to the other parents to make sure their daughter is "safe", try to figure out where this behavior is originating without confronting anyone.
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
Holy smoke, where was my brain?

Of course, the first girl or the girl who initiated the game with your daughter may have been sexually abused.

I do think the best way to handle it with your daughter is to treat it as "one of those things", not a wise thing to have done, but not a life-destroying thing either.

The other girl may have pushed, *but* pre-teen girls do have a great deal of curiosity, & your daughter may have been curious & now is embarrassed & ashamed.

"I cried, lectured my daughter, and then marched her right over to the other girls home and told them what had happened!"

After that scene & the ensuing scene at the other girl's house, what young girl would admit to having been the least bit curious or agreeable?

inappropriate games

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sylviatexas1

seekingpeace

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