SD and her mom need to grow up. I say that from my own experience. My parents divorced when I was 13 and Dad remarried when I was 17. My older sister threw a birthday party for her daughter and both my parents came (and my new step mom). Well, my mom goes straight over to dad and gives him a (too long) hug and inappropriate kiss. It was obvious to everyone there that she was jealous and trying to upset dad's new wife. Dad did not respond to it, my step mom smiled graciously (although it must have upset her, she didn't show it) and continued on. It could have turned ugly and ruined my niece's day, but due to my step mom being the "grown up", my mom ended up looking foolish. Later, she was told my all her children that if she behaves that way at our gatherings, she may not be welcomed.

My step mom endured many things my dad's adult children did. My younger sister is the one that introduced her to my dad. She was best friends with her daughter and thought it would be great to get her dad together with her mom. They hit it off and then my sister decided she didn't like that much. It wasn't what she hoped for so she tried to break them up. She once planned a birthday party for my dad when she knew my step mom was working and couldn't go. I can only say that my step mom must have had nerves of steel.

My opinion is that her mom is feeding her things to say and she lives there and maybe depends on her for a place to live. She may also talk to her a lot about how it would be better for her if she had never gotten divorced and it's normal for kids to want their parents to stay together. My younger sister is 37 and still feels this way. My parents divorced 25 years ago. Dad's been remarried for 20 years and a couple of years ago, mom asked me if I thought dad would take her back.

First, I would tell SD that if she felt your mom was rude to her, you have no control over how anyone else behaves. She can talk to your mom personally about it and you don't want to get involved. (same goes for the ex, does she really expect you to have control over how your mom behaves?)

as for the "hugs from mommy" comments go, ignore it. She's trying to get a reaction and unless you feel insecure in your relationship with your husband and his relatives, take the high road and let it go. Same goes for cards, etc. If she's been out of their lives, they are gonna think she's being kooky anyways. (just as my mom made herself look foolish)

and as far as the remarks about her gifts, THAT'S just RUDE. Whether she feels that way or conveying what her mom has said or whatever, it's rude to complain about any gift. I would give her a lump of coal this year. The only advice I could give you there is to talk to her or have your husband talk to her and let her know that those remarks were hurtful and that the holidays are not about what we get, but about spending time with family and showing each other that we care.

Imamommy's nailed it --

When she complains about something, graciously say "I'm so sorry to hear that!" then promptly forget it.

If she acts ridiculous, ignore it -- She's the one acting ridiculous.

For gifts, a gift certificate is a lovely idea -- maybe ask her where she'd like? Or perhaps, a donation to her favorite charity if you're tempted to give her something she can really complain about.

Just keep on taking the high road and appreciate the good man you've got.

she is 25 and needs to grow up and have her own life. she sounds obnoxious. she sounds like a teenager. don't worry and don't think about her, she can say whatever she wants.
I also liked idea of donating money to charity if she does not like gift certificates. Do it this year, see what she says.

Yes,I agree with the other posters.I think it is quite rude to tell someone you didnt like their gift! Gifts are about the heart,it's the thought that matters most.
I would have told her,"Well,like it or lump it".Or maybe I would have been even less polite and told her she could expect nothing with that kind of attitude.But that is just me :)

And as far as SD saying BM wanted DH back...I'm not sure I could have held back from saying,"Tell her not to hold her breath"

I certainly hope your husband agrees SD's behavior is wrong??? Sounds like he needs to pull her aside and tell her to knock it off and that she is being VERY disresepctful!

Hahaha, I love the idea of making a charitable donation in her name!
She sounds rather uncharitable, so I love the irony! If she b*tches and moans about "they made a donation to charity in my name for Christmas" she'll sound absolutely horrible. But if you have other kids, that's what you have to do for them too or you'll get cries of "foul".

Ladies,

The gift certificate comment was really pretty nasty, in my opinion. Overall, the trip with her was an endurance contest with her mood swings and snide remarks.

I did talk to DH about Christmas gifts this year and told him that I keep striking out with gifts for her so how about we give her cash in an envelope and she can buy what she wants. He said that is perfect. I love the idea of a donation to a charity and that is what will happen next year if her attitude continues.

She is getting cash - in an envelope. And she's going to be disappointed.

Last year she got a $300 gift certificate to a mall she refuses to go to in her own neightborhood and hasn't even used the gift certificate. She also got a $60 beautiful wax sculpture candle that she told me her mother mother threw out. And she has very specifically let me know that she hated both of the gifts we got her.

We've had to set a budget this year - $50 per kid. So if she turns her nose up at a nearly $400 combined Christmas gift from last year, just think of her reaction to a $50 Christmas present this year! If she or her mother do not like the gift, guess they can just throw it out!

Thanks so much -
June

June,she probably DID use the gift certificate and is just telling you guys she didnt.
Glad your Dh is being supportive.

Plastic:

I think you may be right. She tells me that she and her mom go shopping every Saturday - to the very mall for the gift certificate.

I think she was mad we didn't get her a laptop last year. This year she said she wants a specific brand digital camera - also very expensive. I think she thinks we are made of money and should spend thousands, not hundreds on her for Christmas.

DH is being supportive, thankfully. We've agreed on the gifts we are going to give this year and we've also agreed on the amounts we are going to spend. This extends to my family as well. We just can't continue to spend like we have on Christmas in past years.

I agree with sweeby and glad to hear what you are doing this year for x-mas. Andi'm sure she used the certificate and is lying about that just to get to you.
Ignore, say..oh..sorry hear that and just forget it! not worth your time!
Do not focus too much on making her happy..not worth it.

Thanks Maria. You are so right. I can't make her happy and I've tried.

I think she needs some help but God knows I can't suggest it to anyone. She doesn't have any friends (now I know why). Even very good friends run off when you are really mean to them.

Ask her to return the gift certificate to you. Usually gift certificates are good for a year, but even if it has expired, tell her you would like to have it back seeing as how she isn't going to use it and it would just be going to waste.

That's a pretty good idea, Colleen.

I could offer to give her the cash value of the gift certificate, before it expires. If she still has it, I can use it to do some of my other Christmas shopping for this year and she'll have the cash to spend.

If she doesn't produce it and hasn't spent it yet, her loss if she doesn't spend it before it expires.

If she doesnt produce it you can probably assume she already used it.Although she may make something up like she lost it or she doesnt know where it is.

Plastic,

Very likely. She's proven to be quite good at making things up. The story she told about my Mom is a good example.

I hope you update us on what she says June.It will be interesting if she really DID use it to see what she can make up when put on the spot about it.
Although wouldnt it be nice if you really got it and could put it toward your shopping this year!