Recently my DH (and I) had put together a revised agreement for the parenting time scheduled for BM due to our move a couple of years back and all of the changes we have had to make to accomodate the travel time. It just puts the "real" exchange times and changes some of the one-day visits (Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, etc) to weekend visits as well as a few other minor things... actually giving BM A LOT of extra time over the orginal order. DH gave her the agreement and asked her to look it over and communicate with him about it and gave her 30 days. Well, about 2 days before the 30 days was up she emailed him and DEMANDED more summer time (even though DH had already added an additional week) and then launched into a tirade about a funeral from a year and a half ago telling my DH how unreasonable and disrespectful he is, etc. She has still never really communicated with him pertaining to the agreement (we are just trying to make things work out for everyone involved and we can hardly make things work when it is in writing... no way could we just go by verbal agreements in this situation!). Anyway, we discussed it and agreed that even though SD's summers are pretty full, it was not worth a fight so agreed to the additional time she was requesting in the summer. When DH emailed her back he simply said that he agreed to her request and to please communicate without the personal attacks all the time.... So, of course her answer back is about this funeral again! Nothing pertaining to the agreement or the fact that she is being offered so much additional time, so the agreement is very beneficial for HER! The 30 days has come and gone... and still nothing!
On the issue of the funeral; her stepfather died May 2006. My DH and I talked about it, and because SD was very upset by this and wanted to be at the funeral, DH called BM and asked her to take SD to the funeral (several states away). BM was very happy to do this. DH asked for as much information as BM could give him (what day is the funeral, when do you think you will be back, where will you be staying). I would think these are reasonable things to know when NCP is taking child out of state and especially during the school year. AFTER BM had SD for a couple of days, DH called to see how things were going. BM then told him, oh the funeral isn't until next week!!! WHAT????!!!! This was 4 days later than she had originally told him. Then she told DH that she WOULD NOT bring SD back until she felt like it, and that she had the right to keep her and that they were going through an emotionally draining time and that DH had no right to ask for a specific return time, etc. Well, needless to say, we were quite upset (especially since BM has had a history in the past of not returning SD when court ordered to do so and has even had a police escort to bring SD home). DH gave it another couple of days and called again. This time BM was REALLY upset that he would expect to have a return time. He told her that he wanted to do what was best for SD by having BM take her to the funeral, but that she also needed to get back to school and that he really needed to know when they would be returning. After days of this, DH had to finally threaten legal action if she did not return her. In fact, he drove 16 hours round trip (after working a full day) to pick SD up along BM's route to her mother's house in another state.
Now 1-1/2 years later BM is telling DH that he was demanding, rude, and disrespectful by "expecting a specific return time for *SD* during such an emotional time."
You would have to know my DH to understand that he is anything but demanding or rude. I was there every time he had conversations with her and he did his best to keep calm given the situation and only made demands after she had already had her for a week and was still stating she would not return her! She is also going on and on about how he never considers SD's feelings and is disrespectful to BM, SD, and BM's family???? Yeah, right!
How do we get her back on track to the parenting time issue? Should DH completely ignore her rantings about this funeral from the past or should he say something to her about his impressions and feelings about how it really was? Why would she be bringing this up now, and even after DH is offering to give her EXTRA time with SD? Both DH and I are getting so tired of her abusive emails every time we try to work anything out with her... even like this time, when it is to her advantage and he has even given in to her demands for extra summertime! How can you communicate with someone or work things out with someone who is so irrational?
jerseystepmom
wimom27Original Author
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