kids who talk this way usually have parents who are not too careful with words. maybe BM dismissed it because it is not a big deal for her. all you can do is to teach A appropriate way to talk and ignore those who use bad language. cousin probably does it to get some attention. if A ignores him, cousin will stop. there is nothing much you can do unless you know his cousin and can talk to him yourself. maybe your FDH should talk to a cousin (I assume cousin is a guy). i overall think that issues like this should be dealt by a dad (involving boys using poor language).

I think, Ceph, that you have done what you should. Mom seemed to brush it off lightly but that can perhaps be because you were the one that mentioned it to her>

She may just go ahead and bring it up with her brother. I would wait a while and then ask A if it has gotten better, before doing anything else.

Stop worrying :) You cant fix everything.

I think a note is a great idea. Reinforce that you are there for him. I think you did all the talking you can. They obviously don't think it's a big deal. I'm horrified, but there's not much you can do, in my opinion, to change their view. I think you did a good job explaining to him, and showing you are on his side.

Good job protecting a child in your care. You sound like a great mother, and how lucky you are that A trusts you and thinks you will do right by him.

I think simple reassurances, at random times, that you are always there to listen are best. SD has said that she knows she can always come to me with anything because I show her that with words and actions. I think if you react well to whatever he says, and let him know you are happy he told you, he will continue to do so.

The hard thing I have had to explain to Sd several times is that everything can't be fixed just by telling me. Sometimes the only good that will come is a lifted weight, but at least that is something. She used to come to me and ask me to 'talk to the judge' to make her mom stop behaving in certain ways, and it was hard to tell her that I couldn't fix everything . . . but that I would always listen and help to the best of my ability.

My bet? A___ already knows that about you.

Thanks for the advice, all!

FDH and I are going to drop it with BM, as she doesn't seem to care that her brother's son is calling her son horrible names. We can't really call up her brother and tell him his kid is awful, so this part is out of our hands.

I asked FDH if he thought she dismissed that she should do something about this because I talked to her about it - LOL - he replied "No, it's because her family eats their young and doesn't know how to talk to each other"

So we decided to leave a little note on his whiteboard "A__, we're always here to listen to your problems, even if they're hard to solve! Love you lots! Dad and Ceph" and just wait to see if he brings it up again in the future.

FDH and I also re-discussed if BM maybe didn't like that I gave him straight answers for what the words meant, but decided that we're sticking to our guns on giving him clear facts and explanations for anything he asks about.

Ceph, FDH does have the right to call her brother and tell him what his kid said. He has just as much right as he would if a kid at school called his son those names. If he does it in a mature, reasonable way that isn't attacking the other child, but merely bringing to the other child's parent, what his son did and let the brother deal with it. If the brother brushes it off, then there is nothing that anybody can do. (of course, it would have to be carefully worded and I'd probably say "I'm not sure of all the facts, but this is what A__ told me." and maybe ask if there might be more to the story (ie. A__ saying things to him) because kids don't always give us the whole story and if you approach it in a way that isn't telling him he'd better deal with his kid, but that there's a problem and there's two sides to every story... that you'd like to find a way to resolve this so they can get along, it might be better received. Just a thought.

We had something similar come up w SD(11) a few weeks ago in school....a little girl was being mean to her, pulled her by the arm and yanked her jacket off the wall and spit on it.....We made the decision to notify the school (SD didnt tell a teacher) and the little girl said it was "an accident" so the school gave her a warning...SD knew it wasnt an accident, and I beieve her...I realized that I couldnt change the little girl, and talking to her parents prob wouldnt do any good (i firmly believe kids act out what they learn at home etc..) The school, I didnt feel was very effective in my opion with the matter, so I and DH decided that even though all of those things were out of our hands there was one thing that was in our hands and that was to teach SD how to react to such a situation when it presents itself, we talked with her about why children sometimes act inapropriatley, how to handle the situation, and also worked with her on some self defense things (when the girl grabbed her she was terrified, and froze up) I could tell immediately that SD felt more confidant after our talk and lesson on bullies...the girl has left SD alone now that SD has shown that she will stand up for herself and not allow this girl to call her names or physically bully her any longer...

Ceph, is this going in school? Does the school have anti bullying rules? Your FDH could talk to teacher principal about the issue if he doesn't want to talk to ex BIL. It is so sad to hear since A has come a long way with your help.