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Stepfamilies
scaruso57

to Organic Heathergirl

18 years ago

Hi Organic Heathergirl,

It takes alot of honesty to admit to the feelings you have toward your SD. I hope that you can find the right counselor who can help you delve deeply into the root of these bad feelings about this little girl. Projection (you may have an angry wounded child inside who needs healing), jealousy, fear can layer and result in some very negative thinking and behavior.

I also dislike my stepchild, but he is a grown man of 25 years old. I am currently working with a therapist to work through my negative feelings. He is lazy, spoiled and hopelessly immature and he has been nothing but a source of worry. HOWEVER, I do not want to dislike my husband's child. In my case, my dislike for him has used up alot of energy that I could have directed positively in other areas of my life.

I do feel sorry for this little girl. She probably feels abandoned by everyone and is acting out. It's sad that her own dad already sees her future as being so bleak. I am not trying to make you feel guilty, I am just being honest.

I hope that once you get GOOD therapy, your negative feelings toward her will morph into those of empathy and compassion and possibly then into love. If so, you could have such a positive impact on her development and future.

Along with therapy, I have ready many books on anger, codependence and healing the inner child over the past month. If you want any titles or information, let me know, I am happy to share.

Good luck to you.

Susan

Comment (1)

  • 18 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Hello Organic Heathergirl!

    I myself have been in the exact same place as you are right now. Let me just tell you that the older your SD gets the easier it will be and I know that this advice does not mean much to you know but take it from me, I have been there and done that. I seriously have wished that my stepchild sometimes has not even existed. It's a horrible thing to say I know and I find myself asking why I feel this way about my SD.

    My story goes like this:

    My SD is nine years old now and she is a true gem of a SD. Her mother is and was even lazier if that is at all possible and did not work and sat on her lazy butt for the first 5 to 6 years of her daughter's life. My husband was never married to the Biological mother of his child. Needless to say it was a long and hard road but now we are finally in a nice flow of the way things should be. We used to have my SD 5 to 6 times a week and the fights that my husband and I had seriously almost caused us to get divorced more times than I can count. The BM is very selfish and was too busy out partying and trying to find a rich man to support her and her daughter because whatever my husband did was NEVER good enough.

    Eventually we had our own child a beautiful baby girl who has just turned two. When our daughter was first born my SD was amazing with her but she was on top of me and the baby every single second always wanting to hold her and do this with her and that. It was hard to keep telling her no and to give us some breathing room without my husband ALWAYS GETTING SO DEFENSIVE EVERY SINGLE TIME I WOULD DISCIPLINE MY SD! It's hard enough to raise your own child but to try and discipline a stepchild especially when your husband gets so defensive all of the time trying tp "protect" his SD because she needs to be treated "special" because she is always shoved around from different homes. Mind you my SD has the best life any child could want thanks to her rich rich rich grandfather she calls Zady who married the BM's mother after she got divorced from her husband. Thank the lord for Zady! Taking them on trips and buying the BM and my SD everything from a car to piano lessons at 600.00 a pop!

    My husband and I would get in fights constantly about the fact that he would pay child support, have his daughter 6 days a week and STILL HAVE TO BUY HER OTHER THINGS, LIKE TAP SHOES AND LEOTARDS AND EVERYTHING! THE BM WOULD ALWAYS SAY I DONT HAVE THE MONEY I DONT HAVE THE MONEY AND THERE WAS MY HUSBAND DOING WHATEVER SHE WANTED JUST TO MAKE SURE HIS DAUGHTER GOT EVERYTHING BECAUSE HER MOTHER WAS A PIECE OF GARBAGE!

    Luckily and thankfully things have turned around now for the better when the BM started working as a nurse when Angelina turned 6. Now the BM works full time and has FINALLY FOUND A MAN THAT WILL PUT UP WITH HER AND SUPPORT HER SO SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO LEAN ON MY HUSBAND FOR EVERY SINGLE DIME! I pretty much say this. The BM was unhappy when my SD was a little girl because back then she had a boyfriend that was a degenerate and could not do anything for her or her daughter so the BM would use any excuse not to see her daughter so she could go the gym, do laundry (yeah, because you can't do laundry with a six year old around), or go out and party. When she met her now live in boyfriend all of that stopped because she finally met a man who loved her and actually had a decent job and makes good money. So, in turn the BM was happy and it helped us out because she was no longer bitter and calling my husband every two minutes asking him to do this and that and get this and that. THANK THE LORD FOR THIS GUY WHO TOOK THE BM OFF MY HUSBAND'S BACK! AMEN!

    My point is hang in there! Make sure you treat your SD with respect for the child that she is because she does not know any better. If you dont then your son will suffer from this and you dont want that.

    You can't change your situation so look for ways on how to change yourself and make your life better!

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