showing affection...

17 years ago

Hello,

I have a question about showing affection to my BFs 2 sons...

I've known them for about a year and a half, and we all just moved in together at the beginning of this month.

With the yongest son - who's 3 - it's been very easy - he's still pretty much a baby in a lot of ways - so he wants to be carried, and be held if he falls down, and sit on your lap to do things, etc - so it's progressed very naturally, and now he always wants hugs and cuddles and i enjoy it as well...

the 'problem' i have is with the older brother - he's almost 10, and i find it more difficult to find ways to show him affection...

of course - i would never try to push affection on him if it wasn't welcome, but i *think* that he does want it, and may even be jealous of his little brother...for example - if the little guy is climbing on me a lot - the older one will come and climb on me as well - unfortunately he's a big kid, and i don't really feel comfortable wrestling with a 10 year old on the couch...he also likes to find 'excuses' to hold my hand while we're out walking...

so i do think that he would welcome some more affection - and i'm just looking for some advice on how i can show it...

thanks

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Comments (4)

mom2emall
17 years ago
With my skids the easiest ways I found to show more affection when I knew that they welcomed it was to do it at times when I would give my own child affection.

For example at bedtime I always give my son hugs and kisses on the cheek so I began doing that with my stepkids too. My son loved to sit on the couch and lean on me watching movies. So if I am sitting next to one of my stepkids on the couch watching tv or movies I would put my arm around them or lean on them as well. When any of the kids bring home good tests or papers I always give them a hug or high five and tell them how proud of them I am.

I guess that affection should just kind of be natural and only as much as you and the child are comfortable with.
ashley1979
17 years ago
I have the same issue with FSD after 6+ years. Sometimes it feels awkward because she'll go around and give everyone in the group a hug, but me. Or she'll want to take a picture with everyone but me.

I try to show her affection by doing things with her. If she wants to go swimming, I'll jump in and say "I'll go with you". If I'm reading and she comes walking in, I'll start talking to her about the book I'm reading. If she's watching a movie, I'll plop down next to her and watch with her. If I was going to the store, I'd ask if she wanted to go.

I'll also throw in something special for her from time to time. Like one day I was at a novelty store and I saw these coins with motivational phrases on it. So I picked one up just with her in mind. I gave it to her before a BIG softball game and it said something like "Never Quit" and had a female softball player on it. She loved it.

Now that she's moved away, I send her little e-mails or texts with pictures of our puppy or flowers in the backyard. Nothing overly emotional or anything, but just something to show her that I am thinking specifically about her. I'll put in some stuff about how we're doing and that we miss her. But not too much of the "I miss you" stuff. I don't want to give her a guilt trip like her mom does.

FDH isn't affectionate with DS. But they do little small things to let eachother know they care. It doesn't have to be much.

But just remember that the kids need a relationship with you that is not dependent on their father. That's the key thing right there. FDH has that with DS. They have certain things they do together that I have no part in. Like crushing cans, cutting the grass or watching basketball. I do not have that with FSD. Every time we went that direction, BM derailed it and then she moved which pretty-much put a kibosh on any relationship we might have had. I hope you can have that with your SC. It's really special.
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Popi, I think you missed the point in a big way. Scarlett didn't say her gran lived without affection, he just didn't talk about it. A lot of men are uncomfortable talking about it. If your partner SHOWS you affection, is considerate and makes you happy, do the words matter? I'm not talking about 'comfortable housemates' here, but real love and understanding, without words. I know a lot of people want/need to hear it, unfortunately a lot of women, through what, insecurity, hard-wiring/genetics whatever will paint a man into a corner wanting to hear what he may feel but is uncomfortable saying. That can cause some people to react negatively, when cornered. Some people just don't like to verbalise. It is learned behaviour to some extent and if it extends to other things (communication is, after all, important) then it's an issue, but don't expect everyone to respond in exactly the way you want them to. They are not clones of you, but individuals. Don't try to remake them in your image. Trust your gut feelings. Do they make you happy? Are they demonstrative? Considerate? Loving in deeds? Then maybe the words are not always so important. On the other hand if one of you is feeling uncomfortable or unhappy or unloved, then it's a problem for both of you. My second wife and I express our love for each other pretty much every day, and mean it, and demonstrate it in gestures also. We are tactile and don't just touch/get physical when we're going to have sex. That I think is kind of key, if that's the only time there's a hug, then it's a problem. My ex was a lot like that, when I gave her a hug most of the time her arms were folded. When I was leaving her my eldest daughter and I had a long talk, and I asked her if she'd ever seen her mother and I do the things together other mums and dads do, holding hands etc, and she thought about it and answered no, she hadn't. A big light bulb moment for her and a huge help in her accepting her stepmother. It took a few false starts but even early on, she told her that she was ok because she could see that she made me happy. That meant a lot to all of us, and now they get along very well. At times I think daughter can see the night and day difference, and at times I think wishes her mother was more like her stepmother, not to be nasty but she has deep emotional issues that she will never address. I thoroughly recommend therapy, individually and as couples, to pretty much everyone. I think there would be very few people who wouldn't benefit.
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junegemstar
17 years ago
I understand, I'm in kind of the same position. SD6 and SS4 are very affectionate, but I feel odd sometimes when I give affection back to them. With SD2, it's easier since I've known her since she was an infant. I can be spontaneously affectionate with her and it's fine. The older two, I'm working on it. It's easy though, since they are always hugging me anyway. It just feels uncomfortable sometimes. But since I know that their mom isn't very affectionate I try to put my discomfort aside and put myself out there.

Try starting with little squeezes. If they stand next to me, I'll squeeze their shoulder (half-way hug)or rub their head. Little touches here and there are good, too. It doesn't have to be a grand outpouring of affection, little gestures work just as well.

My skids like to climb/sit/lay in my lap a lot, so I'll rub their heads or backs (because they ALL have to be touching me somehow, lol)or press my face into theirs.

If touching your SS is uncomfortable for you, SMILE!!
There's nothing like a smile to send good feelings to those you love.
sylviatexas1
17 years ago
Grown-ups are physically *huge* to kids;
we're giant, powerful, unpredictable beings, & kids are understandably skittish when a "new" one swoops in with arms outstretched.

If they think they won't be able to get away if you "get" them, kids (or maybe anybody) will stay out of reach even if they do want affection.

One thing that worked for me was short bursts of contact followed by letting go.

I could squeeze a hand or shoulder, as long as I immediately let go;
I didn't have to back off, just let go.
then the guys could decide if they wanted to take my hand or not.

I could brush a stray lock of hair off a forehead, as long as I kept it to *one* lock of hair & then stopped & withdrew my hand.

I could help put a shoe on a foot, as long as I said, "there!" & backed up & didn't keep my hand on the shoe/foot/ankle.

showing affection...

Comments (4)

mom2emall

ashley1979

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