Woah! What is wrong with her? Maybe you should take her back to court for emergency orders or something. I'm scared to think that she might try to take the kids from school or something.

I would make sure your DH can be home when she comes. It won't be pretty if it's just you and the kids there.

"Does this insane bit** really think she is going to show up here tomorrow and ruin our Halloween?? "

Sounds like a definite "Yes" to me...

In addition to leaving a clear "That is not acceptable - As we've already told you, we have prior plans" message, is there some way you could adjust your plans so that none of you will not be either at home or at school when BioMom is likely to show up? Because it sounds like she is likely to make a scene that would totally destroy Halloween for the kids... Maybe pull the kids out of school a half-hour early, run a few 'errands', then have them dress at a friends house?

This is the BioMom for whom you have no current address or phone number? And who has been absent from her kids' lives for years? (Because if I'm getting my BioMoms mixed up, my advice might be very different.)

Sweeby has a good idea in taking the kids out of school early and then moving the getting ready to another house.

I would instruct BM to NEVER contact me again. Have her go through DH instead and then I think he should not allow her to talk to the kids. If she called me I would hang up.
Since she doesn't have visitation rights let her go back to court and have it changed if she wants to see the kids. You are under no legal obligation to let her see them at this point. I would refuse all contact from her to the children....it is in their best interest and even if they get mad a DH for doing it I would do it anyway considering her lifestyle and drug addiction.

Contact the schools and let them know that she is not allowed to contact the kids through them and they are not to be released to her.

Like I said.....let her go to court and have the decree amended. You know she'll never do it. I honestly would not allow anymore contact between BM and kids. I think if you refuse to let her in she'll give up and move on. She is unstable and dangerous and I wouldn't put anything past her. I would consider contacting the police and having an officer come to you house while the kids are gone. Tell the officer what the BM's lifestyle is and what your concerns are. You'll have a police report on file for future reference if you should need it. Plus the police can advise you on how to handle things.

I think that is bad advice, believer. I think you are mixing up mom2emalls husbands ex with doodles

The reason that mom doesnt have set visition is not because the court refused to grant it, its that it wasnt asked for. Many divorce decrees do not specify visition, they just have some mumbo jumbo about mutually agreeable times, etc.

Mom2emall's husband would rather work out a visitation schedule with his ex wife, than go to court, because court is going to cost money, lots of it. The average constested court case to set visitation/and or custody issues, costs over 20k.

If mom2emalls husband denies her visits with the kids, it will force her to go to court, thats true. You dont know that she wont. If her parents are pushing her to be a better mom, or if she is pi$$ed off enough, she probably will.

At that point, it will be very hard for mom2emalls hubby to explain to a judge why he refused to allow the kids to see their mom, or talk to their mom. He will be seen as a parent who does not encourage contact with the other parent,a nd thats a custody factor in most states. Its very likely the judge would see him as a hostile parent and order fifty fifty custody, since courts these days are very skewed in favour of protecting the non custodial parents right to see the kids.

I agree with Sweeby, take the kids out early, so that no one is home, to avoid the confrontation. Mom2emalls hubby will need to take a more proactive stand and try to push mom to sit down with him and possibly a mediator ( a lot less expensive than court) to work out a set visitation, which can then be filed with the court.

Thanks for the correction kathline....if I have mixed up the two biomoms and this one is not on drugs I apologize.

Good clarifications -- While I am all in favor of avoiding the conflict on Halloween for the sake of the kids, I am not in favor of cutting off contact between the kids and their mother.

And Kathline's advice about trying to peacefully work out a visitation schedule between Dad and BioMom without having the lawyers do it is really good advice. Most states have 'default' visitation agreements that might make a good starting point. A quick Google search should turn up what's typical in your state, as well as a few alternate arrangements if your state's standard provisions don't fit your situation.

I suggested cutting the kids off from the mom because I thought she was the "drug biomom". I would not have suggested it had I not had the two confused.........however...............

I would not want all of this going on in my life or the lives of my kids. I would want a set visitation schedule. If I had to deal with this situation I don't know how I would handle it. It is quite a disruption and intrusion into someone's life to have happen what is happening here. I would not want it to continue and probably would seek a legal means to rectify it, if possible. This obviously is not healthy for the kids and I don't think it should be allowed to continue. I do not know the best way to make it stop however. The bio mom has everyone in this family on a short lease and every time she gives it a yank everybody is effected. It is a form of abuse to have this kind control over someone. A line has to be drawn somewhere and then you need to stick by it. The sooner that DH will do something about this the better IMHO. If he can't sit down with BM and work something out in a civil manner then a third party should be involved. Is DH really afraid that BM will take him to court and take the kids? If she wanted them why doesn't she have them now?

I would search hard for a resolution to this problem quickly. It just isn't right for BM to be able to do this. It isn't fare to anyone. I feel sorry for the kids and SM. I do think that DH should handle it though and not SM. Good luck guys. I hope things calm down soon for you all. With the Holidays coming I can't imagine the havoc the BM could cause.

any chance you could call BM's work and ask if she has an email address there??

I personally think she is doing this on purpose because she really doesnt want to see the kids...she will then have the excuse that you all are the bad guys and wouldnt let her see the kids....
Another thought too...document everything..includig the alternate days you told her she could visit..just in case she decides to go to court and plays the "they wont let me see my kids card"
Good luck, you have much more patience than I do!!!!!!

I'd continue wiht your plans for halloween and make sure you are not atyhome and keep busy till the night with neighbours. Leave a note for her onthe door if the message wasn't given just in case say ' There was no agreement for you to have the kids on halloween. The suggestion was after this day. We've made our plans. '
Have you spoken to the kids.? I know the older daughter and younger child as set and wont bother with mom. But the middle child sounds wanting. What if she doesn't show up and hurt her again???! I hope your dh convinced his daughter not to cancel anything. But personally, the damage is done on her. she now has the expectation of mom coming. And yup, it will be ugly and you guys will look like the bad guys if she can't take her.
Keep us posted...i really hope it doesn't get ugly....

Our Halloween went good! Thanks for all your thoughts and advice!

BM did try to pick up ss from school early. She had no idea that I work at his school and was suprised to see me in the office as she was attempting to pick him up. Needless to say she left alone and did not attempt to pick up the other two.

Afterschool we picked the kids up and went home to get ready quickly. We went out trick-or-treating and then hung out at a neighbors house until late (we had planned to anyways).

BM did show up at our house after we left. A neighbor described her and her vehicle and said she was at our door for quite a while and then left.

DH is calling her today to tell her that she is not allowed at our home and all pick ups and drop offs will need to be at a public place. He is also going to tell her again that she can have EOW. If she is not going to be off work on her weekend to take the kids she needs to call us as soon as she finds out she is unable to take them. Since we do have an e-mail for her dh is going to e-mail her this info as well as calling her so we have proof we offered her visitation.

I wish she would just move away again..............

DH has full custody legal and physical if I remember right?
If that is the case...

I would make sure to let the schools know that BM isnt to pick up the kids from school without a phone call or written permission from you guys first. I would have flipped out if I went to pick up my kids from school only to find they werent there!! and you have no way to contact her or find out where they are... oh man... I would definately throw in there that she can have them every other weekend if and only if you have a current address and working phone number to reach the kids at all times.

It is scary to me to think of letting the kids go with her with no way to even narrow down where they might be no phone number no address.

At least halloween went well.