This is tough, but I'd encourage to go for the daytime only - either on Sat. or Sun. Start the day early, so hopefully the chances of her being sloppy drunk should me minimized. Have him call you the second he is really uncomfortable if she starts drinking or acting inappropriately. To spare her feelings, say, "Oh, his dad forgot that I promised to take him __________ Sat. night, so I'll pick him up at 5 tonight." Then, do something special w/ him Sat. night - a movie or an arcade or something. Don't let her say, "I can do that w/ him." See if friends can meet you or a friend can go with you - blame the other parent for not letting her child go w/ an adult she does not know...

If you don't think BM will object or if she could easily come up w/ more attractive plans for herself, let SS stay home. But, I wouldn't encourage this unless you feel it's perfectly OK w/ BM. I don't like drinking - it scares me when people overindulge, esp. around kids.

Good luck,
Dana

Thanks Dana, thats a really good idea, I don't like feeling like we're forcing him but he does need a relationship with his mother (even though she's a complete mess) I'll ask him if he's okay with that tonight and see what he says.

Yeah I hate the drinking too, when the decree was revised she's not to consume any alcohol or smoke around the boys but like many things it looks good on paper only. :( Luckily we've only had to call the police once in the last year to do a wellness check on them.

If she was awarded unsupervised visitation, I don't think your husband has a legal right to interfere with it, unless there is evidence that she has been drinking. I have heard of people losing custody because they did not allow there kids to visit the NCP.

This BM does not have parental rights (not our evil doing, the states as they found her to be unfit and unwilling to follow their programs). This is not a 'designated' visitation window, this is just DH being accommodating.

I think I would be afraid to allow any unsupervised visitation. I also think her drinking around the kids should be reported every time.

I would be concerned for the child's safety.
Allowing him to stay overnight could also be interpreted as negligence on your part since you know she's a problem drinker and has been found 'unfit' by the state.
(Though parenting by fear of lawsuit is a lousy policy.)

You're in a really tough spot Sieryn... Can the 7 year old be counted on to call you at the first sign of trouble? Or whenever mom gets out a drink?

I would agree with vista... During the day and start out early. Maybe, if you are feeling really accomodating even give them a gift certificate to use at like a put put or something like that ... no alcohol.. other adult supervision and it has a limited time frame... golf only takes so long.

I personally wouldnt allow him to spend the night on his own with her... not with those kind of dangers lurking.... It's much easier to put in perspective when you think would I let and/or make my child go to friends house whose parent did the same thing... I think we would all agree no way ... giving birth to him doesnt change that.

"Can the 7 year old be counted on to call you at the first sign of trouble?"

Thats my worry, in the past when she drinks she tells the boys its 'just pepsi' (but she'll pour rum in the cans). The oldest is old enough to spot this...I'm not so sure the 7 year old can, and if he can, get to a phone to call me etc...plus if he doesn't want to go to begin with I don't want him to get spiteful with us for forcing him into a bad situation.

Sieryn  What changed? Why did he change his mind about going??? I think this is important.

My situation is very similar to yours. I never try to make my dd feel guilty or responsible for her fatherÂs feelings: "if you tell her you don't now it will hurt her feelings"  these kids of divorce have too much to deal with already. My daughter worries about her father too much and doesnÂt need me to reinforce it. IÂm not saying this to make you feel or look bad  perhaps you have never thought of it this way.

IMO  if a child does not want to visit a parent then that parent has not earned the childÂs visit. ItÂs hard to explain. My sd loves spending time with us  but my dh goes to all her events, calls her regularly, always helps with homework, etc. Basically, he is a huge part of her life. My daughter on the other hand has a father who moved 120 miles away from us, calls about once a month, never comes to any event (too far away), and then wonders why she doesnÂt want to drive 2 hours one way for a weekend visit when it suits him???

So here's how it went down -- BM calls DH and tells him I need to drive SS over to her house tonight (she doesn't have 'any gas' and DH is leaving town with the football team afterschool). DH told her its not SM's responsibility to bring him across town when she wants to see him, and then brings up that he mentioned he would rather stay home anyway. She freaked, hung up then started calling back making demands that I was to have him there by seven o clock and that is that. DH says No, and suggests that she pick him up on saturday (even offered to give SS some cash so she can take him to the pumpkin patch for a hey ride etc..). She just kept screaming her initial demand.

I find it funny that she's still making demands and trying to tell him 'how it is' as she has no legal say anymore and isn't even willing to come and get him when she wants to see him, but I'm expected to drop everything and drive for an hour when she says so.

If she drinks, I would think your husband would prefer to drive him rather than have her come get him.

If she drinks, and the court does not feel she should have visitation, I would think that any alone time with her could be dangerous. I would not drive him there...I would not even let him go there! At best I would meet her in a public place for a supervised day out with one of your dh's family members to help supervise.