This message will be harsh. I'm sorry but what i feel is that i would tell your bf:
1. Put cash in the account or demand half the amount for food and bills from him.
2. His ex wife will have to make other arrangments of visiting her sons. Your house is not a hotel. You do not feel comfortable for her to stay under your roof knowing that she offers no money support for her kids.
If he cannot accept these two points above. He gets the ultimatum. Pay for your share or move out please.
This man has it good. He is living off of you as a leech. And u have become the soul caretaker. The resentment will only build.You have to take steps to change the situation.

Yep, they need to move out. MEN do not leech off women. MEN take care of their children.

You are not their stepmother and are not responsible for their care--their father is.

No way, no how would I have my husband's ex-wife staying in our home. Thanks, but NO.

Do you really think that this is the kind of "man" you want to parent your daughter? He's shirking his responsibilities to everyone and has been getting away with it. You are being taken advantage of.

I definately agree with other comments here! I would find it insulting if my man were to ask me if his ex could stay in MY home...!!!? How would he feel if your daughter's father stayed with you? some ground rules need to be set up now!

How did this happen? How did you (his girl friend...yet) end up carrying the full weight of this household? You are only his girlfriend (and at the moment, that does not seem like much of a prize...sorry). Is he unable to work? What does he do with what he earns? Or is that "his" money?

Part of me wonders what in the world you are thinking, and the other part of me wants you to hang in there for the sake of these children...his boys...because they have the misfortune of parents...neither of whom seems able to care for them without your help. So by you assuming this role, you have done something good for two boys who need you in this world.

No wonder you are struggling. You have found yourself being taken advantage of, and solely supporting a guy (I cannot use the word man, because he has not become one yet) and his children, who are not even your real family or responsibility. But they desperately need you, and perhaps that is enough for you.

Gee - Maybe there's a prison nearby where the inmates need pen pals. There are some poor misunderstood guys in there who's days really need some brightening. You could even go visit them, and maybe help them get on their feet when they get out.

OK - I'm being facetious here.
But bnicebkind is saying very gently that your boyfriend is a loser who is taking advantage of you. And that you are allowing it to happen. And that you get to stop, guilt-free, because what he's doing is just not right. And because a guy who can do something like that can always find someone else to take advantage of.

You deserve better.
(But as long as you're here with this loser, you won't get it.)

You are enabling those boys to grow up and be just like their dad. Give him 30 days, at which point, kick him to the curb. Children are resiliant. They will be fine. You are not responsible for him or his children. Stop feeling guilty about being resentful. You should be resentful, very resentful. What parent will let someone else support them and their children, and let their ex stay at their house? Ludicrous. Stop struggling and be proactive about your situation.

Well, I need advise. I have a 20 yr old ss who is in college about 4 hours away (one way) and about 3 hours away from his bio grandparents The problem is he seems to be driving 3 hours every weekend (the last 3, which is all the weekends since he started college this year) to his grandparents and expects his Dad and I to drive down and see him every weekend. Dad has told him several time ss cannot drive down everyweek because it cost and wear and tear on ss vehicle. Dad has also told him he needs to get a part time job to help with expenses. Well he has done neither. I see this as disrepecting his Dad. We have things we need to do at our home on some weekends and do not always feel like driving to the grandparents. SS continues to insist we drive down. From past history I know soon ss will be asking for money again because of his poor money management skills and free fun running lifestyle. My question is: Is there something wrong with me for feeling this way? I get so frustrated with it. Thanks for the advise in advance.

Okay, Sunny, here's what I'd do:

You cannot control what your DH does, but you can control what you do. Tell your husband that you have things that you want to do at home this weekend and if he wants to see his son, he's free to make the drive and do it, but without you. Stay home if you don't want to go.

A 20 year old is not a boy. He needs to earn his spending money (and probably be paying for some of his education, IMHO), and if he is NOT doing that then your husband (or whomever the "bank" is) has every right to place restrictions on how that money can be used. Period. You are only in control of money you EARN, not money that is handed to you.

I realize that you cannot stop your husband from handing out cash or writing checks, whatever to his son. He's going to have to do it.

"Insist you drive down." No, there's none of that. If he wants to go to his grandparents, fine, but to insist that you disrupt your lives every weekend--no. He's an adult now and is certainly not in a position to demand anything. You do NOT need to feel guilty about saying no.

Here's what I'd do if I were in charge:

As long as he carries a certain reasonable GPA, attends class, does what he's supposed to do, continue your financial contribution to his education, i.e. tuition, housing--whatever you agreed to originally. Pay the SCHOOL/landlord, etc. No money directly to him.

No money for "extras." No dinners out, entertainment, fraternity, or anything like that. If he wants to do that, he has to come up with the cash himself. You're not telling him anything new. That was part of your initial agreement, I believe.

Your husband has to cut him off and force him to grow up. If he does not, then you're stuck. Yup, you're going to be irritated and resentful--a consequence that happens and that's not going to make your husband very happy. Too bad. Neither one of them is showing any signs of maturity, and your husband is only feeding that by catering to his ADULT son.

Do something for yourself on a weekend where your husband's away visiting. Make yourself feel better. That's about all you can do.

Thanks Vivian for the advise. I know your right on me staying home. However, I would like DH to stay home and help me with things around the house that takes two people to complete. I work full-time with long hours during the week and really only have weekend with DH and to get things down together around the house. It may sound selfish on my part but I would like to spend weekend time with my DH once in awhile. About the GPA: is a 2.2 GPA a good one? I would guess not and feel we should not help so much when the true effort of SS is not there. He seems to have every weekend to run around and play and even during the week have heard he is out playing. I guess I just get really fed up with the disrespect and abuse that SS gives out to us. DH seems to brush is under the rug. Thanks for listening.

Usual grades:

A = 4.0
B = 3.0
C = 2.0

So a 2.2 is a C+ (not good, not good at all)

Tell the DH that one weekend a month is more than enough ... the 20 year old has to cut the apron strings.

I'd recommend removing his car. Unless he NEEDS one to get aorund at school, he'll have more time to study.

To jennco

I have been reading the Stepfamily Forum all afternoon. I didn't know it existed until today. I registered just so I could respond to you. I understand that you love your boyfriend and his kids and feel that maybe you are the only one to take care of those precious boys, but, if neither the father or the mother is helping out finacially and you are the only one supporting everybody, do you ever feel that your daughter might be getting short-changed? What i mean is, if you weren't the only one supporting the household, perhaps you would have extra money to put away for her future or education. I am not critisizing you or questioning your skills as a mother, I am just raising a question that might make you think about what kind of future your child might have if you stay in this one-sided relationship. When my children where younger, I was in a relationship where I paid the bills and bought the groceries. Now that my (two older) children are grown and out on thier own, I sometimes feel guilty that I didn't do all I could finacially for them because I was busy footing the bill by myself. Please think about the message your relationship may be sending to your child.

NEVER EVER, EVER SETTLE. Never. No matter what. U will be fine.

K~