Yikes! It sounds like your father will do anything not to be alone. Many men are scared.

You don't have to go, but if you don't, your father will likely resent you forever.

Is there anyway you can tough it out?

Maybe you can agree to attend, then get really sick "unexpectedly" the day of the wedding.

Officially say yes, then figure out if there is any way you can bring yourself to go.

You can always cancel later.

I am certain I will get flamed, but I would be sweet and if DH agrees, ask him to be best man, go to wedding, etc. In the meantime, start doing a serious search on her. If you can afford, pay a private investigator. It will likely be the best money you ever spent. Make certain everyone who is suing her, or wants her in court knows where she is now, before she gets all your dads money. Make certain police and DA in places that might be looking for her knows where she is -- make their life easier. They all have a lot of work, make certain this gets done. If a casual search came out with what you said, that is just the tip of the iceberg. Your dad is vulnerable.

Your Dad already knows that his fiance was charged with theft. Yet, he still wants to marry her. It is possible that there is no amount of dirt that will deter your father from marrying her. Going down the "Nancy Drew" path may forever damage your relationship with your father.

Hi Seiryn,

SD here. Correction, SD with crazy stepmother here. Walk carefully, because this woman has the power to forever change your life.

I've been down this road before and I know what I'm talking about. No matter what your dad says, no matter how much you'd like to do otherwise, paste a happy smile on your face, call your dad and apologize all over yourself for having ever doubted his beautiful bride to be. Go to his wedding, grin and bear it all you must ... and do what KKNY suggested, just don't get caught at it.

Men who are grieving are vulnerable and predatory women like your potential SM smell that vulnerability like sharks smell blood in the water. I don't want to be crude, but she's got him by the gonads right now. He's all happy and acting and feeling about 15 years old. And when a teenager is denied his new toy, he'll fight to keep it, even if he's getting tired of it. If he gets no opposition from you or anyone else, he may not be so eager to hang onto her.

One thing ... if you have a trusted family friend or relative, someone who your dad admires or whose opinion he trusts, try to get that person to talk to your dad about the value of a prenuptial agreement. In late-in-life marriages, it is the No. 1 thing most financial planners advise. In fact, if your dad has a financial planner (and I'd guess he does, if there's any money involved at all), the planner should talk to him about the issue anyway.

Hold onto your butt ... this could be a bumpy ride.

It is better that the OP risk damaging her relationship with her father than that her father loses all his money to a con artist. If you and your father are lucky, and you have a good PI, she could be in jail on her wedding day.

My guess is this woman has been married more times than she has told your dad, etc etc. If she has warrants out for theft, my guess is many victims, and if police know she is engaged, may help them move. Did they put the engagement notice in paper? With her picture? If not offer to help -- get that picture in the paper. Does she have a website for wedding? Offer to help. Get her picture, name etc out in public. And go to the PI. Like lily said, just dont get caught.

You are under no obligation to go to your father's wedding. However, you may want to because he is your Dad and maybe after the stardust has settled, he may need someone like you around to help pick up the pieces. This woman doesn't sound like long term marriage material. I agree with lilysuzanne. Some men aren't very good at being alone. But it is his life and he needs to play out what ever he is playing out. It's his lesson and he needs to learn it. My suggestion, he'll always be your father and you'll always be his daughter. And whilst I'm not the best one at being assertive, I have learnt something over the years. If someone really bothers you, be nice to them. Works every time.

Thanks for the feedback ladies. I guess I will have to suck it up and go even though it makes my stomach turn. I could always get lucky and go into labor and get out of it lol (I'm due a week after their wedding). This woman does really make me nervous though, I know of at least one prior husband she has had and there were (what I consider to be) strange terms in the divorce. I've never seen a case where the divorced husband is required to provide health insurance indefinitely on his x-wife (she's in her fifties) especially when there are no children required to be insured as they are all grown and gone.

I got into it a bit with my Dad last night, a large part of being a stepmom is effort, rolling with the punches, and working to build that relationship. I'm a stepmom and like most SM's my SS's put me through hell at first but as a SM you live with it and work through it because you love your husband and want this family to last and be a family. I've been nothing but nice to this woman, only cautionary warning I gave was to my father in private, I've been through worse from a 8 year old. Anywho I'm rambling, the point I was trying to make was SM's also need to work on building a relationship and shouldn't expect SC's to run at them with open arms right off the bat. I tried making this point to my father and he tells me 'she can choose whether or not she wants to be a stepmom and stepgrandma she doesn't have to' umm..hello? by marrying my dad she assumes that role!

lily,newstepmom sadly I think you're right, I could get a PL and find she's a thrice convicted murder and I really don't think it would matter to my Dad right now. In fact, it would probably be my fault in some way lol.

I'm very much in agreement about having a professional investigation done. With as much as you know already, there's likely to be a whole lot more you don't know, and IME, people who live their lives under a reasonably strict code of ethics have absolutely no idea how far people who don't will go...

Of course, you might find out that the theft allegations were the crazy accusations of a deranged stalker and that your new SM was wrongly accused. Wouldn't that be a happy surprise?

As painful as it will be to go to their wedding, you need to maintain a close relationship to your father so you can be there when (OK - be positive -- IF) his world crashes again. You'll also want to stay close enough to feel comfortable that you know what's going on in his life.

What I was trying to say is not that gaining information from a PI will change your dad's mind. It won't. But if this woman has cheated her way through life, there are likely police, etc. looking for her. Make it easy for them. Let them know where she is -- anonymously. Let any earlier victims know where she is -- anonymously. Give them your Dad's contact information (phone number at work, email, etc).

And be sweet.

Good luck.

Totally agree with KKNY --

Anything short of a murder conviction probably won't put a dent into Dad's denial -- but she'll do a lot less damage from jail. And "standing by her side" through multiple legal woes could get old.

If you are concerned that your future stepmother's motivations are financial, suggest a prenup agreement to your father. They are common in second marriages, and you do have a legitimate desire to protect the inheritance of your children.

Hiring a PI is over-the-top, in my opinion.

Family secrets are rarely maintained. If your father discovered that you hired a PI to dig up dirt on his future wife, I doubt he would ever speak to you again. Are you willing to risk having no relationship with your father? How will it make you feel about yourself?

Sieryn,

I don't know what to advise you to do. I see Lilysuzanne's situation and how her father was removed from her and her siblings lives and it's a very real risk to take.

I see this "Black Widow" lurking in the background, not that she kills off the men, but I'm inclined to believe she isn't new to this game she's playing, and you hate to see your father hurt, taken for all he's worth, then discarded like yesterday's news - wondering if you could have prevented it.

Whatever the case, you have a very level head and you need to be as calculating as she is. I think I would probably go and be as nice as can be - even try to befriend this woman - blame everything that Dad said upset her on pg'cy hormones 'if' you appeared to be irrational in the past. I think I'd stay as close as I could, personally, to this person...as hard as it may be.

Men ARE afraid to be alone. That's a pretty well known fact. All the dirt in the world won't deter Dad right now. Even a "slow down" will be met w/ resistance. So, I don't see a way around all of this unless you could find something on her that would lock her up!

Follow your gut, but I think I'd be as sweet as possible and not let her out of your sight for too long. It will keep Dad close to you and your children, and maybe it won't give her the ability to alienate all of you. She's waiting for the hint of a chance to say to him, "It's you and me against the world, honey. Your kids don't care about you and your happiness...we need to just worry about US and forget about those who want to bring us down." While he won't truly believe her words, he'll likely follow her lead. Don't give them the chance if you can.

Thank you for your kind words in my post about the beloved 4-legged friends. I so appreciate what you said and the validation you gave us as far as my SS goes.

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your mother. I don't know how you're coping as well as you are...

Blessings,
Dana

If sieryn were planning on marrying someone with a criminal record, wouldn't her father run a background check on him? It would be foolish not to.

Re: Hiring a private investigator, anonymously.

I have some experience in this, so here's how to do it and never be caught:

1) Call a lawyer. Go for a cheap one and find one that is preferably outside your area. In fact, if your dad's new galpal lived somewhere else (especially another state), hire a lawyer in that state, or in her former hometown. It really doesn't matter what kind. Tell the lawyer the situation and have the lawyer make the call to the private investigator, with the understanding that your name will never be divulged to the PI.

2) Don't tell your dad anything you find out from the search. He won't care anyway. If there are wants and warrants out on her, have the lawyer call the police in that jurisdiction and put a bug in their ear. Make sure the cops understand the information is coming to them from a local source. That way, if she does get arrested, the only information her attorney (and therefore she) will get is that someone locally has it in for her.

3) Carefully comb through her background for anything that appears fraudulent or criminal. Then lock that report away in a safety deposit box.

When or if your dad's marriage comes crashing down around his ears, bringing with it potential financial ruin or other complications, you unlock the box and hand him the report. That's where the fraud comes in. If they go into a courtroom and he can prove that she entered the marriage with fraudulent intent, it will negate any hold she has on any of his assets.

What Dana said is exactly true: You must be as calculating as she is. That's why you need to hire a lawyer to start the search. It might cost you $100 or more, but it will be worth it to protect your anonymity. A PI has no legal obligation to keep your identity secret, but lawyer-client confidentiality is absolute. That way, even if it is discovered that someone is poking into her past, it's someone from a long way away. The only name the PI will be able to give is the lawyer's, who could easily have been hired by someone else.

Also, keep in mind one final thing. Don't expect that, just because you conduct yourself from here on out with absolutely impeccable manners, it will solve the problem. You may find yourself accused of doing things you have not done or saying things you have not said. If your future SM suggests have a private lunch together or any kind of private meeting, be sure to record it with audio tape if nothing else. You may need the evidence later. And remember, chances are anything she accuses you of saying or doing is probably something that she has said or done.

Great advice Lily. OP, you can either pay some money now, or Dad will pay a lot later. If you do consult PI, ask him to check not only arrests, warrants, but also any industry blacklists, if he can do that. I think the insurance companies maintain lists of people they suspect of fraud, but cant prove it.

Newstepmom, given that it is known that the prospective SM has already been charged with two different counts of theft in two different locations (and I would assume from the fact that it was in the newspaper, it was relatively recently), I dont think this is over the top. I dont know when something becomes overthetop, but this sure isn't.

Many wealthy, or even upper middle class people do check out someone before marriage.

How do you know that Future SMs x is paying her health insurance? Possible but not likely, especially after the 18 month COBRA period is over (after that I dont think if X has a plan at work, he can keep her on it). If it is within the COBRA period, he may have wanted any part of settlement to be used for this, so he would not be embarrassed at work if she signed up for COBRA health insurance at his job and didnt pay premium.

I assume she told you or Dad about the health insurance. Question is why? Is she trying to convince dad what she has to give up to marry him? Trying to convince him to pay for her health insurance (which I am not saying he shouldnt put her on his policy, just that it is strange that she has coverage from prior husband).

I know about the insurance because my Dad mentioned it, she's 'self employed: ie. junks cars for cash for a living' (a great match for a Geology Ph.D) and I believe I made some comment about it must be expensive to provide your own insurance being self employed and thats when he brought it up that her x pays her insurance for her as part of their divorce. It was just an off topic thing that caught me funny. I don't think she's a black widow as much as she is a gold digger either intentionally or not but she has had him spending money like its water. I'm trying to talk him into getting a prenup we'll see how that goes. The only other real issue is he's got my mothers ashes and will not have them entombed (despite repeat requests from the rest of the family). I think its inappropriate for her to reside in his new house with his new wife, not only because she convinced him to buy a house an hour away (he used to live 5 min away from us, now they live next door to her daughter) but I have to 'maintain good terms' with my new stepmom in order to pay respects to my mother.

Maybe I'm just bitter, I just can't seem to wrap my mind around his behavior regarding his children compared to my husbands and my skids. We tread very lightly on our dating, talked to them about the wedding, and have made every attempt at 'the family unit' you can think of to make everyone happy I just don't understand how some men can just take the 'I'm an adult I do what I want and you live with it or go away' mentality. Not just my dad but my husbands biodad did the same thing to him when he was little.

Dana a sidenote on our furry friends, a great comfort to me has been my mothers dog, I did get him after she passed (my dad was going to put him down as he didn't 'have the time for him') sometimes nothing cheers you up like a floppy eared companion.

Why dont you suggest to him that new wife would be uncomfortable with ashes, and suggest that if not entombed a child should keep them.

Interesting question KKNY -- Or perhaps there's a reason she doesn't want an employer, insurance company, or your father to know something about her health. (Like a medical condition or the fraud list LilySuzanne mentioned?) It certainly IS an unusual stipulation for a divorce decree.

LilySuzanne -- GREAT post about hiring a PI. Hope I never need to use that information!

Sieryn - I do hope you'll follow Lily's excellent advice. This situation just smells bad...

I'm going to, I'll let you know if the PI finds anything interesting :)

Yeah sweeby, I have excellent 20/20 hindsight. Wish I'd done it when my SM came on the scene. We'd have found out about her many other marriages and divorces and other stuff she'd kept from dad. Live and learn, I guess.

I, too, was stunned at how quickly my dad could turn his back on his family. He'd always been extremely family oriented -- to the point that after mom died, he stood up in church and told everyone that he thanked God every day for his family. Two years later, he was looking at me as if I was some kind of scum he'd picked up on the bottom of his shoe. The pain is incredible, worse than losing my mother to cancer, because at least I knew that she didn't want to leave. He was going willingly. It took him YEARS to see his wife for what she is and now he is trapped by fear in a marriage that has become a prison.

Go for the PI ... I hope it saves your dad the heartache mine is now suffering.

Good luck.

There is a quick and dirty way to do a background check. Go to Intelius.com and put in her name and city. They have complete checks on prior addresses and can do a criminal search. They also have a history of real estate owned.

I use this service when I do background checks on employees.

It is quick and relatively inexpensive.

I still think the PI route could blow up in your face, but good luck with it.

Intellius is a relatively cheap way to go (I think they charge about $75), but they are not complete, and sometimes will give you a hit on the wrong person. I dont know how good a job they do if you dont have Social Security number. But it is a start, but I would still go with PI.

So I got that background check back....

over the past few years this woman has been sued by several private parties for different breaches of contract and has been arrested for: Theft, Trespassing, Disorderly Conduct and my personal favorite - Possession of Drug Paraphernalia.

I don't even know if its worth it to bring this up to my father...I definitely know I don't want her around my children...

I think Lilysuzanne has given great advice. You may have to hold this for when she tries to take your dad to the cleaners and then he can claim fraud.

In the meantime, I would make certain that every jurisdication where she has been arrested knows where she is. You can do this anonymously. She may be banking on a name change to evade people.

Yikes!

I agree that you have to sit on this information until the right time comes along. Right now, he is smitten. If you were to say something negative about his bride, he could turn on you.

Did your father sign a prenup? That would limit his liability.

You sound more concerned about your dad's money than you do about him. Does he know you have conducted an investigation on his soon to be wife? You should tell him you have. Don't keep it a secret. Otherwise you look like a sneaky, devious, jealous daughter, which you aren't. If you don't want to go, don't go.

"You sound more concerned about your dad's money than you do about him."

Ouch! No, I just don't want to see him taken advantage of. He's one of those guys who opens his wallet in a heartbeat for 'his lady' which was never an issue with my Mom as she was beyond insanely frugal. Actually, I'm more upset he's completely removed himself from his grandchildren as before my Mom died, they never missed a holiday, sporting event or birthday.

DH did accept to be his best man, he was later told to forget about it, that one of her son's will do it.

I dont' think I mentioned this but, I had him committed for attempted suicide three months after my Mom died. He got engaged to this woman two months later. There is NO WAY anyone makes that big of a turn around that fast.

I'm going to follow Lilys advice, detach, sitback and watch the titanic sink so to speak lol.

I just hope your father doesn't become suicidal again when it sinks. There is nothing like the drug of infatuation to "treat" depression - but it doesn't last, and the results can be devastating.

oh what a sad situation. I can't even imagine. My heart goes to you. Sorry for your lost...

I guess you do have to go that wedding.

At the same time if anything like this would happen with me, i would not go. I guess if my dad would wait like a year, I would, but not that soon. And this bride sounds scary...Go to the wedding but stay away from her. Your kids are better off away from a criminal like she is.

I wouldn't just stand by and let "the Titanic" sink. If you have genuine concerns about this woman's intentions and you believe that all she is doing is trying to do is get his money, which as you state is also the result of your mother's lifetime of frugality then you have every responsibility and right to pursue your concerns completely in the open, yes even at the risk of him being grumpy with you for awhile.

He must have received some kind of psychiatric care after his attempted suicide and the doctor on record may be able to help him understand that grief can cause any one of us make some rash moves in trying to escape that suffering. He may accept that advice coming from an "outside" professional rather than from a family member.

Your father is likely holding onto the notion that this is his last chance at happiness in his life and that he isn't going to allow anyone to take that happiness away from him. At this moment in time that is exactly how he feels, but he won't feel the same two years down the road, after the "glow" of that "love" wears off.

Of course you will be feeling VERY hurt by him acting this way, and after all these years to you it just seems as though he has tossed you and your mother aside with barely the blink of an eye for a stranger with a shady past.

Show your concern for your father and his well being, and not the money. Because if she is as nasty as you think she is he is going to pay for it with his health and well-being, the money being the least part of it.

Could be he needs you in his life more now than he ever has.

I'm sorry about your situation. It's terrible.

I see money as being a huge issue here. The woman has been charged with two counts of theft. You need more information on this.
I would call the county attorney offices in both counties and find out what you can. What was she accused of and was she convicted? Was it theft by deception?

All you have to do is tell them you are a taxpayer and you want whatever information they can provide. You do not need to give them your name.

Your Dad could end up penniless before she is done with him. Thieves don't stick around once they've gotten everything they can get - they split. Then your Dad will call upon you to straighten out the financial mess because he will be too distraught to deal with it.

My grandfather became the victim of a thief who came into his life soon after my grandmother died. We did not know the person was a convicted thief but we knew something was up. Soon my grandfather became alienated from us and we didn't even feel welcome when we went to his house to visit. He acted weird and the thief was always there and didn't want us to feel comfortable because we weren't supposed to know what was going on.

Hindsight is 20/20. He called one day in tears saying "everything is gone, my house is gone, my money is gone" and we went over and the thief had also split. Then it all made sense. Sadly, my grandfather never recovered from this, emotionally or financially and he wouldn't even let us prosecute. He was ashamed.
A prenuptual is only going to protect him when the divorce happens. It doesn't protect him while he is married and she can go through his assets while they are married, if he lets her.

After going through the situation with my grandfather, if it was my Dad in your Dad's situation, I would be quite vocal and would not candy coat at all how I felt about what he is walking into.

He's going to be mad, and probably even furious, but I think you can see that the alientation has already begun, and his bride-to-be is behind this. You might not have much longer to get through to him.

I feel for you and wish you the best.

See the problem with that is I got vocal and he told me he has absolutely no problem writing me off entirely for this woman. He's the kind of person who doesn't get grumpy, he gets grudgey as in 'I may talk to you in 10 years'.

'He must have received some kind of psychiatric care after his attempted suicide and the doctor on record may be able to help him understand that grief can cause any one of us make some rash moves in trying to escape that suffering. He may accept that advice coming from an "outside" professional rather than from a family member.'

Yeah, when he was released he was supposed to take anti-depressants and see a therapist, neither of which he has done.

I've decided he's a grown man, it doesn't matter what I say to him as he's just going to chug ahead anyway, I'm just going to distance myself from it as much as possible.

Don't let this woman into your house. That's for sure

Sieryn,

I hope you can at least feel good about having told him what he needed to know about her, even though he got mad at you. If you knew and hadn't warned him, I think that would be worse.

In reading that your Dad told you he would write you off for this woman, you are very smart to keep a distance from both him and this woman. I think I would be very angry with my father, mental health issues or not, if he ever hurt me like that.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

June