How to circumvent an abusive mother =) advice?

23 years ago

This is somewhat off-topic, so it may be filtered out by the moderator. It's also a bit long; the short of it is I'm borrowing trouble and want advice on how best to borrow it. :)

My partner and I are acquaintences of a couple with an almost-3-year-old boy. The mother, in my opinion, is functionally insane. To wit:

The mother has stated on various occaisions:

* she has chucked a guitar at her husband

* she stabbed at the family car's tires with a steak knife

* she never wanted a son and cried for a month when he was born

* spends most of her days watching tv and sleeping

Witnessed by my partner :

* she kicked her husband at night out of a tent with about 3 bucks and instructions to buy a bottle of wine

Around the boy, she constantly forces him to display emotional attatchment to her. She iniates pretty much nothing; she demands her husband do whatever needs done at the moment.

The husband provides pretty much all the emotional support for the boy, but it seems to have turned a bit overboard -- example -- sleeping with the child for hours to get him to sleep. I think he's subconsciously trying to ensure the boy stays emotionally retarded so the man will have a source of affection.

actions of the boy:

* doesn't look anybody in the face

* speech and emotional/physical development seem to be retarded by about 8 months or so

* distraught/pines when separated from the father

* turns face away frm anything he doesn't want to hear -- turns face away from his mother all the time

Basically, I think the mother is doing some serious emotional damage that at best risks turning the child into a maladapted recluse and at worst might turn him autistic.

Since we were worried that any overt action on our part would either be worse for the boy (child services) or dangerous to us (insane woman attacking our family physically etc) my partner and I had chosen to not tell the parents what we thought but rather try to have the boy stay with us as much as possible to give him a good example of family behavior (we have a 3 year old of our own, my partner's and her ex's), and also to use up time otherwise spent with the crazy woman.

However, we were forced into telling the husband our opinion when he came to us asking for assistance in his current housing situation. I was not going to let her inside my house on a residential-type basis.

Turns out he wasn't blind to the situation after all and is trying to get out of it. Unfortunately, the none of us have any good ideas about how to go about severing ties, since, as stated above, the wife really is unstable and we fear what she'd to to life, limb, and property of all concerned once the ball starts rolling.

Does anybody have any advice, particularly sneaky, non-confrontational type things? My primary goals are 1) not having this blow back on my family, and 2) not having her end up with custody for the boy.

To tell the truth, I think the guy might end up stuck with her until the boy is older. Personally, I think he should try to get the community he belongs to to unofficially adopt the boy to get him out of the house as much as possible. Next, I think he needs to start keeping records of everything she does. Along with that, get her name off of legal-type-things like the lease and the bank accounts, plus get everything he doesn't want destoyed out of the house, plus start setting up a separate bank account and not tell her.

The best of all possible worlds is, of course, if she could somehow be convinced to leave him, and think it her own idea.

Anyway. Anybody go through something like this before?

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Comments (5)

nadastimer
23 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Figure that there are programs out there that help women that are in the situation this man is in. He could try contacting them. I know this is usually an odd situation and if the roles were reversed she'd have tons of help but people just don't believe women can be abusive and controlling to their husbands .

I don't agree though that he should secretly remove her name from everything...that's not fair in any situation and will only cause more anger and do you want to seriously anger someone you guys consider unstable?
Mikkella
23 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I've been in this situation, only roles reversed, abusive psycho man, and your right there is TONS of help for women, and not much for men. I'd utilize the same services. What are they going to do, tell him no? There's a lawsuit waiting to happen! LOL

If they're married, having her name removed suddenly, or opening another account won't solve anything. In the courts eyes it's half hers anyways. Now if a friend opened an account in their name, but he had control over said funds....that's another story...LOL She, nor the courts could touch it.

He could have a TRO (temporary restraining order) put on her, and in the process obtain temporary custody until further court proceedings. Have the police remove her from the home if she doesn't want to leave. But what you need to ask yourself is are you willing to testify against this woman to help your friend? That's what it will come to. I had a ha ha friend watch my ex strangle me, then when questioned by the police she saw nothing. You can't let fear stop you from doing what is right. This woman will continue on to do this to some other man, possibly another child, if she isn't held accountable for her actions. It'll get worse before it gets better, and I feel for your friend. It's a horrible situation to be in. Legal is the way out. To bad he doesn't have police reports to back him up, domestic disturbance, where he calls the police....if she's abusing him or their child she'll be arrested. Being a woman doesn't make her above the law, it just makes it a bit more difficult for the man, merely because he is a MAN.
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Okay, long post. First, Im sending a great big hug to you. Second I definitely agree that for the safety and sanity of your family get him out of your life. You donÂt need his drama and neither do your little ones. They may not realize what is going on but they know when somethingÂs wrong. I think it would be a good idea to have Rhiannon talk to someone. ItÂs better to have someone impartial for her to talk to. My sister has been getting counseling for her and my 5 year-old niece after her relationship ended. Her husband was an alcoholic abuser; he wasnÂt abusive when he wasnÂt drinking and his abuse was mostly psychological, but she found out through the counseling that my niece was more aware of what was going than she thought. She was also very matter of fact when she would talk to the counselorÂjust "this is what happens whenÂ". My storyÂwhen I was 13 my uncle tried to rape me while I was staying at my grandmotherÂs. I didnÂt tell anyone and tried to block it from my mind. All I could do was make sure he was never around my younger sisters. I closed myself off from everyone and pretended everything was "normal", but was terrified of any close relationship. Luckily he didnÂt come around much for family get-togethers and if he did I stayed where my grandma or my mother were. Years went by and one day out of the blue, my grandma asked if something had happened with him. All I could do was nod and start crying. I had thought for all those years that everyone would be mad at me and I would be shunned. Instead she hugged me close and told me "heÂs my son and I love him, but I could kill him", which made me feel so much better. She was my most favorite person in the world. I wasnÂt alone with this anymore. I could breathe again. I got married, had two kids, got divorced, and life went on. I had told my husband before we got married, but still didnÂt talk about it unless I had to. I have two wonderful friends who helped me get through my divorce who I had told about what had happened. When my oldest was in middle school, one of her close friends told her she was being molested and my daughter told her stepmother who then reported it. My daughter was asked to give a statement about what she had been told and I decided that as much as I hated talking about what had happened to me, this was more important. I had my friends with me but still couldnÂt talk about it without getting teary. 20+ years after it happened, my sister made a reference to him and I admitted it to my mother. Every time I talked about it, no matter how hard it was, it felt a little better inside. I still have trust issues and probably always will, but thatÂs getting better too and I was able to write this without tears. It also helps me that he eventually died of stomach cancerÂkarma to my mind, but I digress. Your heart and gut say stay away from himÂstart with that. Cozy quiet holidays at home sound like perfect memories for little ones to me. Jen
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happyathome
23 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
His best bet would probably be to go through the legal system. Next time she acts in a violent manner, he can call the police and have her arrested and then immediately get a restraining order and file for temporary custody. Then he should work on making sure he obtains whatever evidence he is going to need to the custody battle that will probably come next.
It won't be easy, but as the child's father he is obligated to do whatever is best for his child.

I also wanted to point out that while it sounds like she is doing the boy some emotional damage, you can't turn a child autistic. That's an old wives tale.

Good Luck to your friend!
magnetic
23 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
>>Next time she acts in a violent manner, he can call the police and have her arrested and then immediately get a restraining order and file for temporary custody.Be careful with this advice. My best friend (male) is currently dealing with a situation which arose from his violent ex-wife attacking him. She attacked him with a knife, cutting his arms and head. He called 911. When the police arrived, the ex-wife screamed and cried that -he- had attacked her first, and she was merely defending herself. She didn't have a mark on her, and he never touched or struck her in any way. Based on her lie, he was arrested, spent the night in jail, and she was able to get a series of restraining orders on -him- preventing him from seeing his child for months on end. This has been going on for almost a year now. Not a day goes by that he doesn't regret calling the police that night, as it is taking forever to undo all this red tape and prove what he wanted to prove in the first place -- that she is the unstable one, and he is the parent who should have custody. Which is awfully hard to do now with a domestic violence incident on his record.

The police are incredibly biased toward women. Please beware of offering this kind of advice. My friend has since become involved with a local Father's Rights group who advised that what he should have done is just LEFT the situation with the child, gone somewhere safe, and then called the police. The next day, he could have gone to the courthouse and petitioned for temporary custody based on the incident.
qqqq
23 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
He needs to document her drinking. He needs to get himself and the child into counseling. He needs to go see a lawyer about what his options are.

The next time she is violent WITH WITNESSES he can call the police.

Once he has separated, he needs to file complaints with the police everytime she goes nuts. The more witnesses, the better.

Maybe your friends should also go talk the his local Father's Rights group(s).

How to circumvent an abusive mother =) advice?

Comments (5)

nadastimer

Mikkella

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happyathome

magnetic

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