BioMom = verbal/mental abuse :(
I posted for the first time a few weeks ago asking for advice on how to tell SK's that their Dad and I are expecting a baby. SS is 11 and SD is 8. I got sound advice and love reading the posts here. Thank you.
Everything went better then we could have ever expected. The kids are so excited and genuinely happy about their expectant baby brother/sister. They are so involved and can't wait for the baby to arrive. Thank God! They are such great kids. It makes me teary eyed because I'm really proud of them and how well they handled it...and also of how well we did breaking the news to them and reassuring and supporting them. It couldn't have went better. I feel very lucky to have such a strong relationship and family unit with them when things could really be a nightmare. Especially because biomom is such a lunatic.
It's just so sad that they go home to such negativity and lunacy. Biomom told kids last week that Daddy was going to leave them because he would have no time for them when the new baby comes and that he loves me more then them. SD held this in until she broken down hysterically while with us one day. It breaks my heart! She's just a baby and biomom hurts them so much, in an attempt to hurt Dad. I just want to sweep her up and protect her from the damage her own mother is causing. I hope what we are doing is enough to offer these kids some sense of stability and reassurance. Based upon their words, behaviors/actions...they are getting what they need from us.
We anticipated biomom saying horrible things like this. We NEVER say anything even remotely negative about biomom in front of them, but had to gently tell kids in advance that we understand they may (will!) hear bad things about us and new baby, and we are sorry that they have to hear these things, but all that matters is what WE (kids and us) think, do, and feel. We explained that baby is a happy blessing and blessed to be coming into this world to such a wonderful older sister and brother, etc. Then we praised and reassured them again...and talked all about how baby is going to look up to them, love them, squeal with excitement when they arrive, etc. They are so excited and especially about being a big sister/brother to baby and what they have to offer to baby. SS is going to teach baseball to baby and SD will offer huggies and kisses when baby needs lovin. :) (their words)
The home front is generally very bad with biomom. No supervision, structure, or care. They basically fend for themselves. They live on fast food and junk and generally feed themselves. Biomom is known to offer some crap dinner as late as 10:30 p.m. on a school night. SS has diabetes and SD is obese and they live on Burger King, snacks, and mom's gourmet meals such as: noodles with butter; microwaved chicken nuggets; SpagettiO's; spagetti with ketchup...and keep in mind each of these is the entree and the sole meal. (Vegetables? What's that?..oh yeah those things we eat on weekends, and even enjoy!). Homework is done in the morning a few minutes before the school bus arrives, if at all. They are late for school several times per week and absent as much as 15+ times per semester. They don't go to school when mom is tired, hungover, or just fails to wake kids up, etc. They have no bedtime or schedules and they are unkept as far as hygiene. SD usually only showers on weekends with us...and she wets the bed every night! She snacks until her eyes shut around 12-1 a.m. 8 years old!!!
The kids thrive on the home life we offer: rules, schedules, healthy meals (together!), care, STRUCTURE, etc. Both kids have expressed their desire to live with us full time. SD said "I just like it better here because we can sit down in the living room and just talk." She was referring to the peace and quiet, ability to talk honestly and openly, and get a supportive response instead of negativity.
:( It's so sad. We want them to live with us also, but can't financially afford to fight biomom in court for full custody right now. I think, in NY, at age 11 a child can make a decision to live with one parent or the other then the court determines if they will grant the child's wishes. I think... (we hope) We are looking in to this.
As a woman, and expectant mom, I tend to feel kids should live primarily with mom, but this case is different. Biomom doesn't, and can not, provide what these kids need for a stable upbringing.
It's an uphill battle counteracting the negativity from biolunatic, but we are winning the battle, for the sake of kids mental stability. Say a little prayer for them.