Hi, Dana

So true. So very true.

I am always eager to see what you've written, because
I consider you a very wise, accomplished, gracious,
sister soul.

In your case, it's almost like the mother of your nephews behaves like an ex-wife. It seems like she is jealous of everything you do. She would rather that her children suffer than accept any help from you. That's really selfish.

I have said so many times to my kids, "if you want to have a friend, just be a friend". That just hasn't worked here.

Yes, I agree, my expectations were way too, high, also. But
the irony is that at holidays, we DO have the huge chaotic dinners with tons of DH's aunts, cousins, etc. The only relatives that resist are his kids--Oh, they show up...they just make sure that they throw a big turd in the punch bowl in some way. They make sure everyone knows that they aren't happy about being there. We don't insist that they come--they have the choice to stay away if they wanted to. Just like they choose not to go with us on vacations to the gulf coast with my parents and my siblings.

Agree about disengaging--it's the only thing that has given me any relief at all.

All my life my mantra has been that I can do anything if I work hard enough. It's like this situation is the exact opposite: the more I do, the more they resent it.
when I have done nice things for the ex-, she only resents it. I just wish I had known the rules going into this.

I'm not working today. Hubby had gall bladder surgery this morning, and I'm spending the day with him at home. It's amazing...7:30 surgery and home by 10:00. He is fine and sleeping in bed, but it just blows my mind.

Yes, the laporoscopies today are such an advance. I assume he had that vs. conventional surgery.

BTW, I usually work M,W,F, but I worked Tues. this week for a couple of reasons, so I'm off as well. Are you full time? In private practice? I suppose dentistry gives me a little more freedom - nothing life-threatening, emergencies can usually be handled by DH or w/ a prescription for my time off. Did I tell you about the cardiac arrest victim I had to begin CPR on in the Bahamas in June? I was shaken, afterwards. His poor wife had completely collapsed on me - I was the only American and a female working on him. Frightening for me - my first time on a real body - and the boys (DH had food poisoning, had sat that snorkeling trip out so I was w/ all three boys alone.) Anyway, they always say to carry your bag w/ you - guess who didn't have one??? And, he was frothing terribly, no carotid, completely cyanotic. It was scary, but the lifeguards had a bag and a defibrillator - got his pulse back and tried to follow up, but no info was available...I need a vacation from my vacation.

Anyway, my skids make everyone uncomfortable at the holidays, too. It's always some little thing that makes us all walk on eggshells until they head out. There is a lot of tension - my parents always come bearing gifts (checks) for the skids, barely acknowledged, of course. But, they're usually here looking for the goods from their lists (yes, they still make lists, lol., but so does my brother!) Their mother, w/ her born again Christianity, only bakes a birthday cake for Jesus...

Last Christmas, I was so relieved to only have to deal w/ one of them as they're way more dangerous in numbers, lol. The son was MIA, the OSD was out of the state visiting her college roommate. It was pretty nice - extra special as we were finally in our house.

I've vacationed w/ the skids before and it was much of the same. When we took them to see DH's family in PA, they made nasty remarks about it being such a small town - giggling at restaurants for the simpler (but delicious, JMHO) dishes, commenting to locals that they couldn't believe there was only ONE movie theater, etc.

I think I mentioned to someone here about taking them to see the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall - front and center seats (before I had kids and still tried REAL hard) and they commented afterwards that they'd have rather stayed in FL to see the local Christmas pageant...I wanted to scream that I would have loved to have left them back home, too!

We took one to Disney once - wasn't too bad. Again, they're worse in numbers!

My former SIL is A LOT like an ex-wife. Even the other day, my little one just dev'd a murmur (a one on the scale) that nonetheless had me a little concerned. I asked my brother if my youngest DN had one that he outgrew. He didn't think so and I said, "Yeah, I think you're right - he had a touch of asthma that he outgrew and that was it..." Just to be sure, he called his ex (they've largely reconciled - dating a bit) and she blew up at him. "Why does SHE want to know anything about the boys' hearts?" I don't get it. I'd be a wealthy woman had I not been raising and footing the bills for the other six kids, lol. I seriously paid for everything for my DNs or they wouldn't have had a thing. I do view them as way closer to me than nephews. They didn't have a fair shake and now, my SIL's father came into the office Monday and asked what we were going to do w/ the oldest. He's slightly autistic. I said that I'd be happy to enroll him in the CC here or in a vocational school (just graduated H.S.), but didn't want to step on anyone's toes. He shook his head, "I know, they (his parents) get mad if we interfere but make no attempts to point the boys in the right direction..." I don't know what to do for him. He's 19 and has been allowed to play video games all night, sleep so much of the day, etc. I worry all the time about them.

Anyway, take good care of hubby. Are the skids lurking at all during this time??? You are certainly a soul sister of mine, but you seem more at peace w/ things. Have you been married longer than us? (10 y.) I thought you had a 10 y.o, so maybe not. I'm 43, btw.

Blessings,
Dana

Hi, Dana

Yes, hubby had lap chole this morning at 7:30. It just amazes me--he is sitting next to me eating a bowl of baked beans that he fixed for himself. They're good for your heart, you know. (Just kidding).

Anyway, I work M,T,W,Th, and usually I have Friday and weekends off. 1/6 I work the F,S,S. Mostly, I can plan things pretty well.

That's amazing that you coded someone in the Bahamas. The kids must really be proud of you. I keep a first aid kit in my car, but it's mostly for soccer games / sprained ankles, etc. A defibrillator--incredible.

My step-kids have always found a way to spoil things.
My parents have always been good about Christmas or birthday gifts for my step-kids, even when the SK have snubbed them. My husband took over buying his kids' Christmas or Birthday presents a long time ago. I had a tendance to do to much for them, and then got hurt feelings when they whined about what I got them.

It has never been a good thing to take the kids on vacation.

The last Christmas that we invited his kids was 2005.
Since then, my mantra about many things has been "We tried that before and it didn't work". Regarding vacationing together, "we tried that before and it didn't work". Regarding spending Christmas together, "ditto". Regarding, spending family dinners together, "ditto".

A birthday cake for Jesus...Now, I've heard everything. That one takes the cake. : )

Regarding laughing about rural Pennsylvania, I wouldn't be surprised if my step-kids had done that. The first trip we took together was skiing in Utah, a week after our wedding, and they cried to BM, and BM called and fussed me out because they couldn't bring a friend. It didn't matter than they went skiing every morning, and I took SD to the spa every afternoon. The second and last trip we took together was to the gulf coast, in a magnificent beach house.It was gorgeous, but they needled my brother and sister all week, and ...you guessed it..."we tried that before, and it didn't work". We never invited them again.

That's really sad about the RCMH Rockettes. I would have killed for center seats. My step-kids aren't impressed with anything any more. Nothing impresses them. They have been there and done that. I don't even try. I let my husband deal with things like that.

It's sad about your nephews. I know you love them very much, and it's sad to see their needs go unmet. Especially when you are available to help.

I have been married 8 years. I have been reading "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. It is about learning to accepting things you can't change. It has given me a lot of peace. I highly recommend it.

I am 46. My stepson has been consistently better since I didn't go to his graduation, but we really don't have that much contact. I have perfected the art of disengaging, and it has really helped. My stepdaughter responds better to disengaging than anything.

I very much appreciate your long distance friendship. : )
Thanks for your warm support.

Love to you, Dana. xox