Kids will be kids.... especially when they are adjusting to new things... however if you are not really into kids.. and have no inclination to try and make a better relationship and fully deal with all of what it takes to have kids apart of your world ... (dealing with a 5 year old and dealing with a teen is a world of difference and much harder)

if all of this is true and it seems that it is by the tone.. than you and your partner are NOT compatible. He and the shorty are a packaged deal and if you arent willing to accept both than it is not fair to him his son or you to continue the relationship....

If you are truly 'compatible' (which is a word I hate... it seems so robotic) then one of the biggest things in his life should be 'compatible' as well.

I agree with mom of 4. My advice, fwiw, is that you get out (and therefore, unstuck), and let yourself, your boyfriend, and his son each get on to a better situation.

You say you don't have children. Yes, you do. You have a 5 year old. Although he's not yours biologically, he is a major part of your world whether you like it or not, and will be for the rest of your life, in varying degrees. If you resent opening your life to him and giving him what he needs from a stepmom, you're doing him a huge disservice and if his father is worth his weight HE would have a real problem with that.

So - for everyone's sake (including yours, of course ... you shouldn't be miserable), I'd suggest that you move on.

Suzieque

You have to accept the fact that this child will be in his father's life forever. He is only 5 and at least for 13 more years he will be around and most likely after that as well, in fact one day there might be gandchildren. If you don't want to have children around, your only option is not to be with this man. In fact I agree with mom of 4, it is unfair to this man and his child to stay in this relationship.

I don't think you're miserable 3 days a week because the little boy is a little boy.

I think you're miserable because the little boy's father doesn't do his job & because he dismisses your complaints.

back to my basic rule of thumb:

Women believe words & men believe actions.

How many times have you heard of a woman begging for years for some help or some understanding or just for a little time to herself, & yet, when she finally walks out, exhausted & disillusioned, her amazed & bewildered husband says, "I didn't even know anything was wrong!"

You can say it & say it & say it, but until you take action, action that has consequences for him, partner won't really believe it.

The sad thing, I think, is that men view the walking out as the cue for them to actually take that first step, the indication that negotiation is necessary, while for women it's the last step; they've been treated badly for a long time, & they're through.

If he won't control a sarcastic 5-year-old, he isn't going to control an aggressive 13-year-old.

I'm sorry.

Sylvia had a great summation. The others, too, have given sound advice.

I'm not all doom and gloom, as I was thinking that maybe things would improve a little as he matured, etc. My boys are 3,5, 7 and they can be tough ages, though I can reason more w/ the 7 y.o. and my 5 y.o. is as sweet as they get. The 3 y.o, well, I'm afraid aliens have taken over his body - he looks like my sweet baby boy, walks like him, etc, but he's going through the thunderous threes, I'm afraid.

So, there are ages and stages, no doubt. But, the overwhelming point I heard in your post was that you don't particularly like children. That's a hard thing to admit so I give you a lot of credit there. Yet, your soul mate has a child. It will be difficult, at best, for you two to remain soul mates w/ the BM doing her bit to poison the boy against you. You've got an uphill battle that's even worse as your tolerance is lower than those who instantly love kids. Add to that, your bf, who may be afraid of disciplining the child. Later, will he be talked into expensive cars for the boy? Is the kid spoiled? If he bugs you now, it could get better - you may grow on one another, but it could get much, much worse. Those 4 days of 'bliss' will turn into one day of resentment, three of bliss - then it could go 2 and 2, etc.

Get your bf to a counselor and work this out now or run for the hills. You need to see how he'll parent this boy in the future. Do you plan to marry? I take it you have no plans to have your own children, but this boy will be part of your lives for at least another 13 years - and probably for the rest of your lives.

Good luck,
Dana

Hi, there

3 or 4 days a week, means that the parents are sharing custody right now. Is that going to change after SS
enters school?

Agree that if DH is making excuses now, he will continue to make excuses later. I am still hearing them, and my stepkids are now nearly 22 and 26. It's not their fault...their mother puts these ideas in their heads.
Yeah, right.

Some people are very clear that they really are not into children, and I think you seem to understand this about yourself. When you stated "that you are not really into children" and that you like your peace and quiet. All of the kids I know come with noise, lots of questions, etc. (unless they are left watching TV, video games, computer, for hours on end). Otherwise, children need to be entertained, interacted with, etc. Some people thrive in the noise, chaos, of "family" and others crave peace, quiet and solitude, and the ability to do what they want, when they want.

This man comes with a child, who is so young yet. It seems to me for this relationship to bring you happiness, you are going to have to find a way to enjoy this little guy, and look for things to love about him. His behavior is normal. He is away from his dad for several days a week, and needs his fathers love and attention, and affection to grow into a healthy adult. If you feel irritated or threatened by this, you will make yourself miserable. Sometimes, it is looking at who you really are, and deciding if you are able to, or want to change enough to embrace life as it is and not how you wish it were. It is what it is. Can you find a way to love this child, and look for the good in this little guy, for your DH? Only you can make that choice. Since you adore your man, I would think it is worth taking the time to really explore if you are able to love his son too. Give this child a chance, and see how you feel, actively trying to get to know this child, and see how you feel over time.

Remember, when you marry, you marry the family too it seems.

"Peace and quiet" and "children" can not coexist, at least not for more than 5 minutes at a time. I agree with the other posters who have said that you are doing both of them a disservice, and yourself as well, by staying in this relationship.

I also agree with the others. If you're really not into children, don't marry a man with a child. Why did you get involved with him in the first place? Also, it's not recommended for people to shack up when children are in the picture. They have enough chaos in their lives without adding that complication.

And the situation may change in the future when SS is a teenager and comes to live with you PERMANENTLY becaue BM "can't handle him."

Let him find a person who loves children and find a compatible guy for you.

I get the gist of your post, especially the part about SS coming to live with us at 16. I have to admit that made me chuckle because just the thought of that is enough to make me run VERY FAST with a trail of smoke behind me. So your point and everyone else's is well taken. But I must point out that you might think SS's life is full of chaos because of his situation, but believe me, the sun rises and sets on that little boy for both parents so he's suffering very little. If anyone is doing the suffering, it's me.

"he's suffering very little. If anyone is doing the suffering, it's me."

sounds like you've answered your own question.