Eloquence is obviously not my forte as you have summed up what I've been trying, without success, to say!!

I think that is what the majority of people on her want that as well. I have no problem with constructive criticism of others, but that is not what is going on here. And lately all of the threads do end up on some tangent because these arguments (usually about finances) that had nothing to do with the original post. Maybe it is high time we all ignored the baiting comments and stayed focused on the original questions.

Agree.

I think lafevem's comment in another thread,

"And the reason many stepkids are in dire financial circumstances is because biomoms choose to use the CS for other things besides their children. And like another poster said, if you're broke, that is your own fault."

definitely qualifies as a baiting comment rather than constructive criticism. I would think Dana would also be insulted by the second part of the comment, as would anyone else who suffered a major financial setback through no fault of their own.

I think there is a lot of frustation. If it were up to me, my DHs X would disappear off the face of the earth. The few times I tried to cook for my SD she said it was terrible. I know I am a better cook and housekeeper than BM. This kid, with the urging of her witch BM will stoop to nothing to break up my relationship. What is so hard about being BM. She is the one who is supposed to take care fo this kid.

Difference of opinion -- ???

 Posted by lafevem (My Page) on
Mon, Jul 16, 07 at 23:09

My DH's money is not his, it's ours. . . It's mine anyways.

 Posted by lafevem (My Page) on
Tue, Jul 17, 07 at 12:16

I can truly say I do not favor my own kids over my SK's. They are all my kids. As far as finances go, my sk's sometimes do get less because the amount of child support my DH pays gets used by their mother for other things.

So you share money except for what DH spends on CS -- OK?

And when I say nice to knw, I am NOT being sarcastic. I am being informed. Like above.

KK just go away. Didnt you get the hint. Dont you understand. FW = loser.

I actually chose the wording "the money my DH pays for CS" very carefully as not to offend you and some other BM's on this board. Other SM's have said the money "we" pay for CS, and some jump in and say.."you don't pay it, your DH pays it. Obviously, the money paid for CS comes out of BOTH of our pockets, but I was trying to choose my words carefully as not to offend. My bad.

But you seem to say that the CS gets deducted from expenditures on behalf of the skids --

"As far as finances go, my sk's sometimes do get less because the amount of child support my DH pays gets used by their mother for other things. "

I believe you missed the point. It is incorrect and insulting to imply that most, or many, or even more than a very few, custodial mothers spend the child support on things that do not benefit their children.

Actually the child support comes from the NCP's income - right off the top, before the remainder goes into the category of joint finances.

It is also insulting and incorrect to imply that if one is poor, it is one's own fault. In the vast majority of cases that is not true. What if Dana's insurance company doesn't come through for another year or two? What if any of you developed cancer and couldn't work? What if both of the adults in the household were in a serious automobile accident and could not work? What if you were sued by the magazine salesman when he slipped on your walk? A disaster, and that includes divorce as well as death or disability, can wipe out the financial reserves of anyone, with the possible exception of Bill Gates.

Ladies (and gentlemen),

I am only asking that we all try to move forward. In black and white, things can come across as far worse than intended. To have to watch our every move when in an inflammed state and just needing to get it all out is really stressful.

Really, on this board, I've seen SMs who seem to care more about their skids than the BMs. Many even refer to the whole lot as 'having 4 kids' not differentiating at all between bio and skids. That's a beautiful thing and a goal I'm striving for myself. I think it's great that you are so open to accepting everyone into your homes.

I've seen BMs here who are extremely protective of their children - protecting them from the abusive words of stepparents and/or not subjecting them to their biofathers who are more interested in their romance of the moment. I can't blame them. I'm a mom, too, so I completely understand most of where they're coming from.

I've seen skids who have been hurt, slighted by horrendous stepparents w/ no logical reason other than viewing them as baggage they wish their partner didn't carry w/ him.

We even have a stepfather here, desperate to reconnect w/ his "daughter" (SD) who has left him and her mother for a life of parties w/ the biodad.

I really have learned two things - that I don't want my boys being someone's skids, but if they ever were to be just that, I'd hope some of the wonderful SMs here would be in our picture.

It's easy to take offense to words and be more sympathetic to someone here who reminds you more of yourself, in a similar predicament. However, I'm just hoping that we can not rush to judge, and move forward. I'm not happy w/ some of the things I've written in the heat of battle. I know it sounded petty, immature and ridiculous. But, I needed to get it out and I sincerely thank all who guided me through those dark hours. I'm not assertive to anyone outside of my nuclear family. So, I can only 'go off' on my husband, kids, and parents - those to whom I'm closest. Maybe I fall into the "writing it all out is therapy" group, but I'd like to have something to offer, too. I don't know, I just want us to warm up a bit - still be able to voice our individual opinions, but maybe not be so hard on someone who's obviously fed up w/ something or just having a bad day.

So, what do you all say? Can we move forward and stop nitpicking about who said what to whom?

D

Thank you for a thoughtful post, Dana. Definitely words to keep in mind.

Lafevem - I have to disagree w/ you about not being eloquent. I think you're amazing - and a poet to top it all off (previous response.)

Anyway, I'm a thousand per cent better having the freedom to do as I please in my house and also having the SDs and their bf/friend over the other night - seeing us all at ease and having it not be a struggle to get through the evening. It was really nice and I didn't mind cooking and cleaning as it was a 'special occasion' w/ them having their place and the out of town visitor here, etc.

Tomorrow is DH's b-day (I may have mistakenly said it was today earlier.) I invited the girls and the one's bf to join us for dinner. I work, so we'll go out w/ the kids as I'll have no time to cook. My dear nephews are out of town w/ their parents or we'd have an entire baseball team w/ us!

Anyway, I really felt badly for our friend who is just planning to sit out her SD's wedding but pay for it. I honestly admire her selflessness but it's sad that it has to come to that. That's why I posted this thread - couldn't stop thinking about that today. She was in need of support but things got posted that I couldn't even follow so I gave up in that it got so far off the topic. I don't have a lot of time and I find it muddies the waters when that repeatedly happens.

I just hope we can be supportive of one another's positions and to understand that we all need to vent and afterwards, it can look bad in print! I'm speaking of my posts in particular and how I brought up things that happened YEARS ago to justify the way I felt today, etc.

Anyway, I really am looking for a support network and I hoped one of the three forums I joined would be it. I have future issues, no doubt, to deal w/ and the unsettled things w/ my SS, etc. I'm over one hurdle, but I'm not naive enough to think life will not have future glitches. This is the only board I've found that is active and I'm grateful for that. I'd just like it to be a little warmer, I guess. I'm not sure that's the word, but I'd like to see us support one another in this journey some of us actively chose and others did not. Regardless, we're in positions that we may have never dreamed we'd be in and we need one another to shed some light, give some hope, etc.

I sign my name because I'm a real person. I guess it isn't the smartest act, but it's me. I'm Dana, I'm 43, I live in FL and I'm a dentist. It's all true!

D

I came here searching for suggestions for my 11 yr old SS his anger issues were not my fault but I was the brunt of his anger because I was here. He couldn't yell at his mother she would break down and cry. He couldn't yell at his father because he was working he took it out on me. And his relentlous baggering made me a basket case. I guess because my children were just expected to act a certain way and I got it ... that when I met these very willful children I didn't know how to "handle it". My SC were very spoiled. Their parents were too busy being rotten to each that the only way they could deal with 4 children was to pay them off. And disregarding bad behavior by buying them stuff. Didn't fix the bad behavior just stopped it for the moment.

I don't know any step families so I couldn't ask how did you do it!! Yes some of my "ways" are unconventional but they work.

What I learned from this board.... I can't change BM she is who she is. But I can change how I deal with her and how I handle the kids. They are not my children will never behave how my children behave. The children their mother do not "get to me" the way they used to. I am glad I found a place to complain about whats going on in my home. I do not argue with hubby over the kids I come here complain and get it out of my system. It gives me a place to vent so that when I speak with him about any issue I am not blowing up. Because I have already blown up. I used to keep a journal but was afraid the kids would find it. And I didn't want them to have any evidence in writing of my emotions at that time.

Yes I do feel targeted by certain members of this board.... for reasons I will never know and I don't really care. I will still try to make my points. They do not live in my house they are not here 24 hours a day ... they peek in and see glimpses of a madwoman going on and on but only on issues I post about... I havent had a real rant about the kids or their mother in quite a while. Even though I could you wouldn't believe they the latest BS she is trying to shovel on me.

The incident with the 18 yr old is a whole different ball game thats something I am sure I will deal with my own son and the 3 younger ones eventually. My daughter, I dealt with that in the way she needed to be dealt with. Same situation but different circumstances. There was no stockpiling or leaving booze around or weapons.

Thank you to the supportive members.

Amen, Cawfe! I agree w/ you. It DOES help to get it all out and writing is very therapeutic as you well know. I sometimes wonder if I'm too honest here! Years ago, I joined a forum at Parent Soup where one of the biomoms posed as one of the stepmoms as she knew her X's wife was on the forum! I thought, "Wow, I'm way too honest here!" I pray no one from the family ever sees my posts. In real life, I can't be as honest as I am here.

Anyway, as I think I wrote before, I sat down and cried after seeing the initial responses to my original post. I thought, "They think I'm Cinderella's wicked stepmother!" But then a few of you supportive women came to my rescue w/ support, advice and a little pat on the shoulder that told me I wasn't alone on this journey. For that, I'm forever grateful!

Anyway, keep posting and keep telling it like it is. You always have a way of bringing a smile to my face w/ your posts!

BTW, I think one of the greatest acts in life is to raise someone else's kids...not easy, but an amazing act.

D

Vista- that's funny that you say that about having the x spy on what she was doing... the internet is funny like that ... and that thought has always been in the back of my head...

oh well, maybe she will spy and it will encourage her to be a better mom

ehhh,,, foolish dreams it will only make her disslike me more.

LOL to that! My DH thinks everyone on-line is a serial killer. I have a close knit group of moms to all boys that I have "known" several years. One came here for a vacation and we decided to meet. When I was getting ready, DH said, "Are you sure this is another woman you're meeting today?" as I blew dry my waist-length hair (a rarity, lol). I said, "Yes, but I have to look decent - I posted a 'good' pic of me and the boys to our group - can't let her know what I usually look like!"

Dana