The only way your relationship is going to work is if dad can see the problem and sets some ground rules to control it. Like with the interupting thing. Our girls did that for awhile. Their father started correcting them on it by ignoring them completely when they were doing it and then asking them "Why wouldn't I answer you?" They eventually got it.

No child is perfect and if dad doesn't see that he isn't going to back up any sort of rules. You just have to decide what you are going to be willing to put up with. If it's onlly summers it may not be so bad. There should be across the board rules for all the kids and his daughter should NOT be bullying your children.

The little girl is starving for her dad's attention. If he only sees her in summer, then she's probably trying to make up for lost time with him. My SD is also 9 and lives with us, she also does many of the things you describe.

What I recommend:

1) Do not kiss/hug/etc. with him while she's there. When the kids are in bed, then you can hug/kiss all you want. She feels like you are replacing her in daddy's heart and rubbing it in her face. I even stopped holding my husband's hand in her presences. You can insist on continuing to show your affection for each other and think that she should 'get used to it' or deal with it, but all that is going to result in is her resenting you more than she may already.

2) Focus on your kids when she is there. Let him spend time with her and parent her. If he lets her get away with things or gives in to her every whim, then also let him deal with tantrums etc. You can always mention your opinion on it and give him your perspective, but the choice is going to be his on how he parents her. Since you aren't married, you are getting a first hand look at how he deals with her BEFORE you marry him. If he isn't the type of father you think he should be, then you have the option to get out now, before you are legally tied to him and before you have kids with him. People only change if they want to or choose to, if you have to nag him, he probably isn't going to change.

3) He doesn't think she's 98% perfect. He feels guilty that he only sees her a few weeks a year and doesn't want to see or acknowledge the 'truth' that she's manipulative and needs discipline. He doesn't want to punish her or have any of his precious time with her, become negative by having her upset with him. Plus, he doesn't have the same kind of relationship as a parent that is there consistently, so if he does punish her, it isn't the same as when her mom punishes her. He may be looking forward to two weeks from now but he won't say it. If he feels that way, then he probably feels even more guilty.

4) Ignore the baby talk. If she doesn't wash her hair, make her take another shower until it's done right. He should tell her he's not going to do it. He should praise her when she does it right. Throw out any 'inappropriate' clothes.. or pack them in the bag she will take back home. She should only have appropriate clothing available to her. If he wants her to do things for herself, he has to refuse to do them for her, insist that she do them herself and praise her when she does them. She wants his attention and praise.

And just for the record, I think it's wonderful that she play with Barbies.... My 9 yr. old stepdaughter wants to listen to nasty rap songs, dance nasty and says she wants to be a stripper when she grows up. Her mom thinks it's cute. I wish she would just sit in her room and play Barbies... the last time she did, she took off their clothes and posed them in sex positions.

As for parenting your kids, I might tell her that I appreciate her help, but you can handle it yourself. You can put a stop to it by separating them and supervising them more. It's not unusual for a 9 year old to want to be the boss or be bossy.

I do feel for the daughter, but the problem is her dad.

He's rewarding her for misbehaving.

*Whatever his reason*, guilt, gullibility, or misguided affection, *he's* making the situation what it is.

As long as he denies it & insists that you just get over that "2%, his daughter is going to get more & more dominant & more & more troublesome.

Truth to tell, I think my eyebrows would have disappeeared into my bangs when he said she's 98% perfect, & when you got to the part about her threatening your child ("last warning"), I think that's the point at which I'd have either sat her down & read her the riot act...or I'd have been outta there.

Someone who's that besotted with another person, be it his mother, his girlfriend, or his daughter, is always going to insist that she can do no wrong & you (& your kids) can do no right.

One thing you might try is disengaging:
instead of trying to deal with her at all, just disengage completely & force her father to deal with it all.

Be sure to go out with him & her to public places, restaurants, church, whatever, get him to take her to work with him one day, etc.

The behavior that he pampers at home will horrify him when she does it in public, & he may "sober up" very quickly!

I wish you the best.

The things you describe your SD as doing are pretty typical for the daughter in that age range, of a non custodial parent.

If your kids go to visit their birth dad, maybe a good month for tht would be the same time SD comes to visit.

Its six weeks out of every summer, and its not going to go away. SInce Dad only sees his daughter once a year, she is likely to be very clingy, and Ima is correct that Dad probably feels guilty about only seeing her that often. I assume you live in a different state from Mom, which is why the visits are so far apart.

If your kids were visiting their dad or grandparents during that time, you would be less stressed and you could hand the girl over to dad anytime you felt overwhelmed, so that you could take a break, go out with your friends, even take a vacation with your gfs or visit family.

This is Dad's daughter, he needs to be the one mainly in charge of her. You can help yourself feel better by disengaging.

First let me apologize if I repeat anything that others have said, I am taking a break from cleaning and decided to read on her a bit. So I don't have a whole lot of time.

Anyways first of all I do not think that playing barbies at her age is immature. I played barbies till I was older than that! My sd's both still play barbies at times (11&13 years old). And they play with their high school musical barbies!

But anyways, it sounds like the little girl is starving for her dads attention. It does not sound like she gets much time with him (do you live far apart?). So of course she is going to try to hog the time she does have with him. She may be jealous that you and your children have him all the time!

Your dh does need to set down some behavior rules though or she will continue to do whatever she can get away with! And your dh does need to spend quality time with her while she is there.

IS it possible for her to visit other times during the year so she does have more time with him?

Be patient and good luck. Remember that this is your dh's, and maybe his ex's fault, so do not blame your sd for how she is acting!

I think your view point is very biased if you think 9 years old is to old to play with dolls. I don't know why any mother who would think that.

why the attack mode, stargazzer?

Hi yas brang. A question, what are the sexes of your children? Both girls?

It seems that there are two issues going on.
1) your fiance isn't being very supportive of your children
2) his biodaughter is daddy's girl

Lots of jealousy, insecurity and role reversals on everyone's part.

I'm sure that you were caught completely off guard by the way this has played out in the first summer. Likely you thought it would be just like having another older daughter and he would treat the children all the same. Instead you have found a very young competitor for that special place in daddy's heart and daddy seems to be agreeable and likely even thinks it is cute.

Does she actually wear a bra at nine? Am I ever behind the times. OOPS showing my age again.

This is going to be a tuff one.

I would recommend identifying how you really feel and in order of importance. What makes you feel worse? The fact that he isn't very responsive to your children in comparison to his biodaughter, the fact that your children have taken to looking up to the older girl, the feeling that you have lost control of your household, or the realization that your fiance is not the person you thought he was?

Give it a great deal of thought. Your situation sounds very serious to me.

Honestly my first reaction after reading post was the same as stargazzer. A nine year old playing with Barbie's seems perfectly normal to me. Made me question if everything else was an exaggeration on OP part since she thinks a nine year old who still plays with barbies is immature.

I'm curious though what the situation was in the past. Are you newly engaged to your FI? What happened last summer or is this new for Dad too?

Colleen,

One of my sd's also started wearing a bra around 9. It was not because she had huge boobs, but they did tend to make her shirts stick out in a funny way if she did not wear a bra. Of course I got her the ones that looked like a tank top or a sports bra so she would not feel funny wearing it.

And one more bit of advice for op:

Don't try to stop visitation with your fiancee and his daughter-that would be a bit mistake! Instead you need to try to make visitation work, and if your completely miserable I would suggest walking away from the relationship. If the situation was reversed would you stop seeing your children to make things work with your fiancee??

It sounds to me, like OP wasn't around last summer so now his daughter shows up and there's a new fiance/GF and two other kids to compete for daddy's attention.

Brangwaine:

Was this the first time you have met her?

What have you done to help her adjust to the idea of you and your daughter's being a part of her life?

Do you expect him to be more of a father to your kids than his own? I was confused by that line "(If I had seen how he acted with his daughter vs. my two before, we would not be together now.)"

I'm also perplexed by a 9 year old that wears a bra... really?

If this is your first time being around his daughter, I think you are in for a lot more problems if you continue in the relationship with your current attitude. Many of the things you describe are not exactly pleasant, but they should have been expected. Have you read up or researched much about children and step families?

It's not an attack. Girls play with dolls especially Barbies into their early teens. I can't imagine thinking a 9 year old is to old for dolls.

thanks Starr

All my girls still played with Barbies at 9, and beyond, as well as with stuffed animals and baby dolls.

Her behavior is very typical for that age, and especially for someone who hasn't seen her father for a year.

To Star:

You know, it never occured to me that it is normal for a nine year old girl to play with barbies. When I was her age, things were much different for me. But then, I know that my childhood bordered on the bizzare so I may not be the be able to make that judgement call. You can attack me all you want-not understanding how any mother could say that-but it is exactly what I thought. How was I supposed to know? I don't know anything about raising children. I don't know anyone with kids. With the way she is babied, it is a reasonable assumption on my part that it is something... more than what it was. Noted.

On the other hand, she is very advanced for her age and most of her friends are much, much older. It seems abnormal because most all of the other things she does are so much older. One minute she acts thirteen. The next, she is talking in baby talk. She skipped a grade early on and is in a strange spot socially.

I can accept that I am at fault for some of this. In fact, I can accept that I have been holding her up to some ideals that are just ridiculous. All I know of nine year old girls is my own experiances with myself and my two sisters-which was brutal. No need to get into all of that. It is only relevent in all this insomuch that I have no idea what is "normal" and what is "not" within a certain quota. If she were to act out in some sort of severe dsyfunctional way, I could spot that. But normal? I have never been around that. Not as a child. I don't know what it looks like. It is a relief to know that this is not something that is overboard. I was not prepared for it at all. (I think that was the biggest issue.)It is also a relief to have some other perspective on the whole thing, rather than holding it in and not talking to anyone about it.

In answer to some of the questions.

-My children are girls. They have no contact with their father. He dropped out of our lives to move away three years ago and we have not heard from him since, so there is no other male role model in their lives. I don't associate with my own family-as protection to them.

-He is the only father they have ever known. I never expected him to be a better father to my two than he is to his own... but I did not realize that there was going to be such a glaring difference. He has admitted that there is a gap and is clueless as to what to do about it.

-Yes, she has to wear a bra. She is devoloping very fast and is rather large busted, especially for her age. We had to teach her to shave her armpits recently as the other kids in school were making fun of her.

-Maybe I am not the best choice as a stepparent. You might think I am exaggerating all this (as I believe some of you said). I realize that she is acting out her own frustration and needs for attention. What I don't understand is how to deal with "our" relationship with her vs. "their" relationship, if that makes any sense.

-I met her once at dinner before this. The week she got here I was put in the hospital for a couple of days. We had a lot of unrelated stress going on to begin with. That did not help the situation at all.

-She is primarily a good kid. I just don't know how to approach and deal with him about her behavior. We have tried to talk about it. I have had him talk to her about it. I have talked to her about it... Tonight we talk to her together. I am willing to make comprimises to a certain extent. He has, at the very least, agreed that next year when she comes out to visit, there will be some serious boundries and rules put down before she even comes out here.

My daughter just turned 18 and her father left before she was ever born. Now, it's not MY fault he left and it's not MY fault he never had anything to do with her, but he now wants to have a relationship with her and she refuses. She has every right to feel that way (she even legally changed her name to get rid of his last name). She wrote an 18 page 'story' about her life without him and how she felt growing up without her dad. It broke my heart to read it and then I had to accept responsibility because I chose to go ahead and raise her alone, never looking for her dad and never doing anything to encourage him to get to know her. I don't know if he would have responded had I tried, it was just easier for ME to let it go. I never realized how much doing that hurt her. I wish I could go back and at least try. I know this has nothing to do with your post, and I don't know why your children's father left or what kind of person he is, but when you say he has been gone three years and your BF is the only father they have ever known, you can't escape the fact that your BF is not their father and if he treats them differently, they will feel that. My exBF was the only father my daughter knew from age 1 until she was 9. When things didn't work out, she hardly got to see him anymore and he also didn't treat her as if she were his own child either. It's nice if your BF is a 'father figure' or 'male role model', but that isn't the same as being the only father they have ever known. They have a father and unless he is abusive, they should be seeing him... at least he should be encouraged to do so. Your daughter's deserve that.

As for your problem with your boyfriend's daughter, you are in the best possible position as you are not legally married, nor do you have a child with him. If you aren't prepared to be a stepparent or sharing your BF with his daughter is not what you want, you can leave and find someone else that is better suited. (ie. no children and better to yours) At least he is being honest, he doesn't love your kids the way he loves his daughter. That's not unusual, nor is it wrong. It's wonderful when we can love a child that isn't ours just like it is, but too often in step families, it's expected and thought of 'if you love me, you'll love my kids too' and it isn't that simple. If you don't have realistic expectations, you are setting yourself (and your children) up for disappointment.

Dealing with the 'our' relationship vs. 'their' relationship makes sense to me. However, it is 'his' relationship with her and you should work on building your own relationship with her. She has a mother and therefore she is not going to just accept that you are acting as a mother while she is in your house, especially since it's so infrequent. She needs to respect you as the adult and as a caretaker, but her dad is the parent. As you establish a relationship with her, she may accept you in a parental role. Your children may be more accepting of your BF as the 'father' role because they don't have a father and they are younger.

Perhaps taking a parenting class or child development class would help you understand what is age appropriate behavior and development. Read up on step families and search old threads on this forum to get an idea about what to expect if you continue in this relationship. There are so many issues that can come up... problems with her may continue or get worse, differences in parenting styles, sibling rivalry, problems with her mom or your ex. All of that and more shoudl be thought of, discussed and considered before moving forward. While it may only be summers now, it can always change and as she gets older, her relationship with her dad may evolve and even as a grown up, she will still be in his life. It's a HUGE decision to marry someone with a child and when bringing your own kids, it gets more complicated and so does having more kids with him.

Just some things for you to think about. It's not meant as an attack and only you know all the details of your situation. Good luck.

In the fall of 1986 I was 7 going on 8 and just entering the second grade. I had to start wearing a training bra and I was so horrified that anyone would see the straps through my clothes I wore layers and layers. Summer 1989 I was 10 years old and I started my period while I was visiting with my dad, and had to tell him about it. The joys of growing up, and it sounds like it just keeps happening younger and younger. I provide the dates because although it was a little early compared to my friends, it wasn't *that* early. The days of girls starting their periods in 8th grade and having all these noticeable changes seem to be long gone. It doesn't mean, though, that they become adults. The body is almost always way ahead of the mind at those ages.

Bran, it is a tough situation for everyone. Your SD may resent that you and your children get to be with her dad all year and she doesnt. Ima gave some excellent advice on suggestions to deal with the situation. As to Dad treating the children differently, is there a possiblity you do also? There is nothing wrong with a mom caring about her kids, but for example if the only "threat" you have seen is the one you mentioned, I would suggest that kids do get bossy. I would suggest Dad talk to his DD about being kindler and gentler and her responsibilties as an older one. I would also suggest that you and Dad find a place for SD to put her toys to keep the younger children out of them. Everyone should have their own space (doesnt have to be own room), but defined space. Also, I would look for summer programs, age appropriate, certainly for SD, and even older DD. Even free programs like in the library will help give children breathing room.

I completely agree with Ima's first post. I went through almost the exact same situation with my FSD. It is completely normal for her age and being from a divorced home. She's probably used to being doted on by her dad and is transitioning out of being a "little girl" to bevcoming a pre-teen. My FDH and I fought for years about this. He never listened to me until BM said something. Then he realized what was going on and that boundaries had to be placed. It took a long time for the boundaries to go up, and then things started becoming more normal. Probably when she was like 11. She is 13 now and has moved away. She visits, but I am seeing the same things return. Like she lays all over my bed. When I tell her to get off my bed she goes "why?" Or she "hunts" down her dad to ask him a stupid question like "can I go ride my bike". By "hunt" I mean she will knock on every door, even the bathroom doors, to find him. Also, she's doing that whispering thing again where she whispers questions to her dad even when all of us are in the same room.

Having experienced this now, I'm thinking it's some sort of separaton thing. I think that once relationships are established, her visits will be less stressful.

Also, my FSD was wearing a bra at 9 and started her period at 11. I definitely believe girls are maturing much faster than they used to.

KKNY also had some great advice on summer programs for the kids.

Posted by stargazzer (My Page) on Tue, Jul 15, 08 at 19:59

It's not an attack. Girls play with dolls especially Barbies into their early teens. I can't imagine thinking a 9 year old is to old for dolls.

Posted by stargazzer (My Page) on Tue, Jul 15, 08 at 20:03

thanks Starr

WHY DID YOU POST A COMMENT AND THEN THANK YOURSELF FOR A COMMENT STARR??

stargazzer and starr are different posters. Stargazzer thanked starr for her comment that began, "Honestly my first reaction after reading post was the same as stargazzer. "

Never thought I would say this, but thank you TOS for clearing up that misunderstanding!

mom2emall, we are indeed two seperate posters.

Brangwaine, I think it takes a lot of courage to admit to yourself (and to strangers on the internet) that your perspective of what a normal childhood may be slightly skewed. I hope you have been able to resolve some of those feelings and continue to work on that. I know that it really takes a lot to change your perspective and perhaps having your FI's daughter and your own daughters will help to resolve some of the feelings that you admit to carrying.

From my perspective most of the behaviors you have described seem perfectly normal for a young girl who is adjusting to a new home and new members. She sounds like she is trying to figure out where she is fitting in and where the boundaries are at. I bet if she has a lot of reassurance from Dad than some of the baby talk may stop, given he is actually giving her attention when she doesn't resort to baby talk.

Step parenting is tough, no doubt. It sometimes requires me to tap into my reserve tank of energy, compassion and patience which I never knew I had until I have become a step parent. Actually come to think about it, I didn't already have a reserve tank when I entered into this relationship, these are things I have had to learn since, and I hope that you will too.

Thinking a 9-year-old would be past barbies doesn't mean that someone's perspective on "normal childhood" is "skewed", it just means she hasn't yet had experience with 9-year-old girls.

Her exasperation with the girl's behavior doesn't mean OP lacks compassion, it just means she's exasperated,

& her boyfriend's behavior & attitude & his rebuffs of her efforts to get his daughter to behave herself have her at her wit's end.

Dad is the key to the entire situation;
insisting that his daughter is 98% "perfect" & that his beloved just suck up the other 2% is hardly a reasonable or cooperative attitude.

& he's in denial, insisting that the problem belongs to OP;

seeing your dad only once a year isn't enough;
she'd be insecure whether OP is around or not.

Dad needs to make some fundamental changes & focus more on being a responsible father, stepfather, & partner, & less on blaming OP for the problem while denying that there is a problem.

Today, I had a lengthy chat with her mother. Good thing we are friendly.

We sorted a lot of things out and talked about boundries, the relationship between my fiance and SD. I am not the only one to have problems like this with her. Now that she & her husband and myself are on the same page, maybe we can sit down with my fiance and address all this.

I really feel like I got some good feedback from her. I wish everyone was able to have such an open and honest relationship with the custodial. Gosh! What a great thing that would be.

On the other hand, he is moody about all this because he just does not want to deal with it. At all. He does not really have much of a choice, though.

Tonight the three of us sit down, again. Only this time, I have the other parents backing me up. Suddenly, I just don't feel so overwhelmed.

-And about the Barbie thing (again), it seemed odd that she would be in the fifth grade and playing with them to me. When I said she was advanced for her age, I mean very much so. I know it is hard for her because she does not relate to other kids at all and she is too young to be hanging out with the adults all the time. I realize that this is normal for some people and I admit that I was wrong.

Many kids bounce between being advanced for their age and being immature for their age. I'm sure there's a point at which it would be bizarre, unhealthy, or strange, but some bouncing back and forth (I think) is normal.

I'm not quite sure how to describe it. A part of them is eager to grow up, get older, wear makeup, date, drive, and do the things the teenagers do. But another part of them sometimes misses that rich fantasy life and imaginative play they had when they were younger.

It's not like their passage to adulthood is a straight line, it quivers and doubles back a little sometimes. Sometimes they act childish and immature, and you can't believe this is the same kid who can do college level physics and advanced calculus. Other times they will astonish you with the depth of their maturity.

I bring this up not to bash you at all, but because it's probably something you'll see even when she goes off to college. Not the playing with Barbies ;), but being not quite able to make up their minds if they want to be an adult or a child.

Precocious or gifted children sometimes seem to have been assembled from "parts" of different ages, & it really does seem strange when the person who's just been lecturing you on the internal combustion engine or the origin of the universe suddenly asks you, in all seriousness, if you still like watching Bugs Bunny!

Thanks for clearing that up TOS. With all the newer posters it is hard to keep track sometimes and I thought I missed something.

Very funny, some times it seem like the only thanks I get are the ones I give myself. LOL