SS problems

19 years ago

Hi, I'm new to this forum and i-net blog/forum thing....

i'm 27, single, no children and live with my db who has jc of his 3 children (W and EOW). The oldest, 9, is the problem. He says and does mean things. While i understand where he's coming from....i'm not quite sure how to respond or deal with it in an appropriate way. When it first started, i told him that i was not his mother....but that i was an adult who should be respected....and that i was sure his own mother and father had told/taught him to respect adults. Things went fairly smooth after that....but lately its come up again...him saying things like "your not coming with us" or "your not a part of this family" or "why are you here" things of that nature and being uncoopertive. My main concern is the example he's setting for the other children who have accepted me with loving open arms.....and therefore making my life a lot easier....I would be horrified if he had them turn against me because i love all of them and would love to marry their father someday....

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Comments (6)

vistajpdf
19 years ago
First of all...your boyfriend needs to simply say, "Son, you wouldn't be allowed to speak to a stranger like that, do NOT think it is OK to speak to my gf like that..."

Secondly, how long have you been in the picture? Is there a plan to marry? You need to be seen as a PERMANENT part of the picture, JMHO. You've spoken about marriage? Who's hesitating?

Finally, the boy is acting out. Part of it is age. Part of it is the situation. I seem to think that the man a biomom is involved w/ has it slightly easier than the woman a biodad is with. I don't have a sound statistic on this, but noticed that I had a tough time after marrying DH. The ex moved in a bf and the kids openly welcomed him! Of course, there was a bit of divorce poisoning going on and we didn't have the kids except for every other weekend, so mommy dearest had the most influence there.

Be sure you're up for this. The boy may be having some normal growing pains, but I'd like a little more info. Was your bf involved w/ another gf before you? Did the boy get attached to her or anything then have her removed from his life? Are you the first gf since the divorce?

He could be the type to walk all over you if allowed to do so. Seems like it improved after you first spoke to him.

Is the divorce a bitter one? Do you think maybe BM just learned of you living w/ her x and started working on the oldest?

You are right in that you cannot allow him to poison the younger ones. They have embraced you and that's how it should be.

My dh and I just started counseling over his now grown children. It hasn't been an easy road and I've seriously thought many times that if I knew then what I know now, I'd have run for the hills. But, we have 3 beautiful boys and finally his adult DD has moved out of our house. Now we are all getting along, so we're in another 'honeymoon' phase that I pray lasts. Counseling helps w/ coping, dialogue, etc. I'd suggest it if you're considering being part of the family.

Good luck,
Dana
doubts07
Original Author
19 years ago
biomom is working on the oldest....hates me living with dad

she went bonkers....which is why...i still havent met her cause she's all about domestic violence and i don't want to be involved...

we've been together for a year....first gf they've (bm and kids) seen since divorce 2 years ago
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I totally understand your want to keep the harmony with BM and that's probably why you entertained her questions. It's almost like a sick want for us to "keep the peace" and show the BM that we can take care of the skids just fine. I wouldn't entertain this whole thing at all UNLESS it's convenient for you. If BM has THAT big a problem with what's going on on YOUR TIME, then she needs to take the day off to be with him or HER MOTHER needs to come pick him up and drop him off at your house at designated times (so it doesn't interfere with your day). If you are going to be out at the times she wants to come, tell her she will either have to change her times or sit in your driveway and wait for you to come home. I wouldn't budge on this. BM is trying to run your life and you need to put your foot down (as does your DH). My ex tried to do this with our son when my DH disciplined DS and my ex didn't like it. He tried to tell us that he needs to be consulted on parenting decisions that go on with DS even when it's happening in OUR HOUSE. I was like -you have got to be kidding me to the ex. I told him he could take a flying leap and that there was nothing he could do to control what goes on in my house so he'd better get used to it. I turned it around and said that the same goes for ME as far as what goes on at his house (he keeps the kids up way too late, coddles them when it comes to what they will and won't eat) and even though it makes my job harder when I have them, I still have to deal with it b/c it's out of my control. He got that message real quick and never brought it up again. Put the foot down now. ;)
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cawfecup
19 years ago
He is testing you... he will continue to talk to you this way until his father tells him otherwise and even then you will still hear complaints. If you are not planning on going any where tell him. You are hurting my feelings and I am not going anywhere but if you continue to do these things to me I will not tolerate it I wouldn't let a stranger talk to me that way I will not let someone I care for do it either.

Vista brought up some very good points try to answer her questions.

No I am not your mother but if I had children I would not allow them to speak to me or anyone else that way ... Ask him directly next time he says are you coming with us? how would you feel if I asked you not to come ? would your feelings be hurt or would you be happy. Put it on him and his feelings he doesn't have to like you but he does have to respect you.

My SS 11 used to tell me all the time you're not my mother! good then don't ask me to do anything for you that a "mother" is supposed to do. I hate you ... ok lets be clear do you have me personally or hate that enforce the rules of this house??? because if you hate me personally then we have a problem. Because no matter what I do you will hate me so I will not try to please you and you are going to be one unhappy little boy.

If you are in this for the long haul .... Stand your ground and get BF to stand right beside you if you do not have his support its not going to get any easier. Then you have a decision to make. He's 9 he knows what he is saying is hurtful so put it on him... get him to care about your feelings.
kkny
19 years ago
What do you mean she is all about domestic violence??
angelz921
19 years ago
cawfecup, I like your ideas on putting it back on them and their feelings. I have never thought about it that way. Asking a child how would you feel if I said that to you?

Interesting approach.
cawfecup
19 years ago
Well don't therapists ask .... How does that make you feel ... what are your feelings on the subject ...

By age 9 he has been excluded or picked last a time or two from a game at school or in the neighborhood. Some bully has said something to him that hurt his feelings.

What got to my SS was I would ask why he did something he said they aggrevated me .. and I would respond so when you aggrevate me I can say those things to you? No so you can't say or do those things to them either.

And when he was attacking his siblings I told him I wouldn't let anyone outside of this house get away with attacking them and it will not be tolerated in their home either. If I let the kid down the road get away with beating up your brother what kind of person am I? So I won't let you get away with it either.

SS problems

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vistajpdf

doubts07
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SS problems

Comments (6)

vistajpdf

doubts07Original Author

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cawfecup

kkny

angelz921

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doubts07
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