I can empathize with your situation -- It sounds like on some level, you want BioDad to just disappear so you can build a perfect life for your son with "his new Daddy", your STBH. I felt the same way when my Evil Ex was acting up and my son felt torn between him and my wonderful husband, his StepDad. It's only natural and human.

But unless BioDad is a criminal, substance addicted, pathological liar, personality disordered --- then removing him from your son's life, however subtly and artfully you do it, simply isn't in your son's best interests. No matter how wonderful STBH is, your son would feel unloved and abandoned by his 'real' father, and if anything were ever to happen between you and STBH (like maybe his problematic child or Ex?) -- then your son would have no consistent loving male figure to fall back on.

My advice? (and you won't like it) is for YOU to apologize to your Ex. Tell him you think your own feelings may have been getting in the way of your best parental judgement and that you'll try to do better. Tell him you'll stop trying to remove HIM from the picture if he will agree to not try to undermine your STBH. Truly, it's SO MUCH BETTER for your son if he can have two Daddys, and it will take some maturity on everyone's part to make it happen. Agree to the standard visitation and talk to your son about how much his BioDad does love him, even though he can't see him as much as he wants to. When you're at home with your son, take the negative tone out of your voice when you talk about his BioDad (you know it's there) and when his father calls on the phone, try so sound as upbeat when you call your son as you naturally do when it's the GP or GGP. It's hard -- but it's the right thing to do.

As to explaining to your son that your STBH "is not his daddy" -- I think you just explain that STBH is a very special kind of daddy called a StepDaddy, and that your son has a 'Regular Daddy' too -- so two! And try, try, try to see it that way yourself.

As to apologizing to the ex, I can't do that. It was his choice to move so far away from his son, his reasons are "I have no family in FL". I have tried and tried to make his visits with his son more frequent, even going as far as to inviting him to Florida to stay for a week so they don't have to fly to and from Maryland, but he refuses. When he fly's down here I drive him to and from the airport, to his hotel, take him to dinner, everything to make him comfortable. Yes I would like to just have him disappear it would make my life much easier, but I do know he would never give his rights up, especially since he hates my STBH for raising Alex. I am very nice to my ex, I even made it a point to call his new wife on mother's day to have alex say happy mother's day to her. I tell him every time he calls what Alex has been doing, learning, good and bad, trying to keep him in the loop. But all I get is what I am doing wrong as a mother. Kind of hard for anyone to swallow being told they are a bad parent from someone who really isn't a parent. My son has picture's of his father up in his room, when BD calls, I say Alex you wanna talk to Daddy he's on the phone. It really is the same as Alex papa's on the phone do you wanna talk to him?

Don't you think that my son feels abandoned by his father, when he spends more time with his wife's niece and nephew then the does with him. Every time SM gets on the phone to talk to my son she makes it a point to mention them, that they were over, or they did this or that. Do you think my son wants to hear that? His father called a few days ago to talk to Alex and I could barely hear him over the kids in the background screaming, I simply said how about you call him back when you find somewhere quiet to talk to him.

I do have a lot of anger for this man, but more so because he promised me when Alex was a baby that he would always be here for Alex, and that he would be the father his was not. So far I haven't seen that, I see a man who moves 9 states or so away to be with his new wife and her family, one that never sees his son but makes it a point to tell me what I do wrong and why he should be doing things differently. How that since Alex is not in daycare right now he WILL deduct the portion of child support that pays for daycare. Then gets mad when I say, You can do that, that's fine but I would advise you going thew the courts because if you don't you will only hurt yourself when it looks like your not paying all of your child support. I don't get why he thinks stupid comments like that are going to hurt me, like if I find out Alex is calling another man Daddy I will kill him. This is why STBH stays away from him when he is around, or leaves the room when he calls, so as not to cause an argument.

Your right I am angry and bitter, I probably shouldn't be. But it's hard when I get the better then everyone else attitude from him.

I absolutely think your X made his bed, and now he doesn't want to sleep in it! At first, I wondered how you ended up in different parts of the country, but you just said that X chose to move to MD from FL? I'm in FL and I can't imagine ever even contemplating moving so far from my young children! OK, I'm a mother, and I guess we're often wired a little differently, but what in the heck did he expect would happen to his relationship w/ your son? I mean, he left when the boy was less than a year old I assume?

I think your x is abusing his role as the father by constantly criticizing you from afar. He has no right to say any of the things he does, and I think you're right to just end conversations that are headed in a direction you don't like or that make you feel badly.

The most I would do is compromise w/ a name for Biodad and Stepdad - a Daddy and a Papa or maybe go really formal and call the biodad "Father." Sounds so proper, lol. It's just hard if your young son, who doesn't understand any of this, felt like calling the man who's been there for him every day "Daddy" then suddenly is told to stop. He'll wonder what he did wrong, for goodness sake! My Dear Nephews used to call me "Mommy" for years as I was the only nurturer in their young lives. They lived w/ their mother, but spent 5-9 w/ me M-TH, then all weekend w/ me. She was neglectful and lacks from any maternal instincts whatsoever. I didn't tell them to call me Mommy, but it was sweet and warmed my heart, etc. It was put to an end by their mother, and I understood (not that it didn't hurt!), and I'm now just Dana...

Anyway, your X needs to know that almost any man can be a 'father', but you need to do more than place the order for the child to be a "Daddy."

All the best,
Dana

Dana,

Thanks so much for your words I appreciate it so much. His father was stationed in Afghan for a year and while he was over there him and his new wife (who was over there too) made a decision to move to be with her family.

I couldn't imagine telling my son he was no longer able to call STBH daddy because his "father" said no. You think my son is going to be ok with this, I agree not.

Thanks again for the encouraging words. It's funny how many people on this forum are from FL. Seems like this is the place to be when it comes to Step-familes. lol

My DH's ex moved their 2 daughters way across the country when they were 1 and 6 with a man she just met on the internet weeks after their separation. My husband was financially wiped out by this woman and remained that way for many years after the divorce. The 6 year old was able to fly to see him in the summer for a month or so but he only got to see the youngest twice in 3 and a half years. He could not afford to fly up there more often and was working full time and going to school full time. (although if it was my kid, I would have gone more than twice).
He called them every week and when he would take to the youngest one she would ask who he was and he said her daddy. She always replied, your not my daddy, my daddy is in the other room. It always broke his heart. BM even asked if he would give up custody because her new husband wanted to adopt her. My DH said no way. Months after that, BM left her husband and moved back here when she found out he was cheating.

Now that they have been back for over 5 years, DH and youngest SD have a hard time bonding. It's very sad and I don't know what to do to help if there is anything I can do. This little girl was thrown into our house (to her of strangers) EOW upon returning and was extrememly difficult to deal with for many years. Also doesn't help that BM does not discipline and we do.

I totally agree with sweeby about not removing your ex from his son's life. It's not fair to your son and not in his best interest unless your ex is an abusive parent.

Good luck