First of all, your fiance needs to back you 100%. I'd start w/ behavior charts ending in a reward that he wants for a week of tasks done well.

Secondly, I'd get him back to the therapist. Sounds like there could be more issues here than you can handle alone.

Good luck,
Dana

After you are married, I would call school, and try to set up appt with counselor, etc. 4 suspensions in one year is outrageous.

kkny,

I must disagree - I don't think SHE should call the school. It is highly unlikely they would talk to her anyway, as stepparents are "legal strangers" as they say over in the legal forum I have been reading. This is a job for the father.

My msitake, dh should call school.

Thank you for the responses.
As far as the Sons therapist, I call to make appts and end up leaving messages for her to call back. She hasnt called back. Soon to be hubby is reporting her to Tri-Care.
We are hoping that the new school year will be good for him, he has (the son) has had some rocky things going on but we try to give him structure and schedule.

thanks again
sarah

ARe you asking therapist to call you? Or DH? This is a confidential relationship. Ask her to call DH.

Yes, she can call the school and probably a proactive approach (like beginning of school year meeting) is the best idea appropriate. Although, the father should def be involved as well.

**I talk to my childrens school and teachers all of the time and they have no issues talking and/or discussing things with me. Infact, if anything they welcome the fact that their are parents (step or not) that are involved.

Also, DO NOT allow him to dissrepect you even when his father is not home for two reasons. 1. you are in charge... if you ask him to do something only repeat yourself one time... and say so in so this is the last time I will ask you to put the garbage out. Please will you put the garbage out. If he doesnt do it then follow up with a consequence he loses and item of interest or (my parents old school version) put the garbage in his bed. And 2. if he only respects you when his father is around it does not help him (a young man) learn how to treat and respect women on a whole. This is the thing that frustrates me the most about my kids BM ... she lets them disrespect her and talk to her any which way... if a child (esp a young boy) can not learn to respect their own mother then how are they going to treat the rest of the women in their life as a whole.

Given the age (my son is the same) some of his actions are straight up that .. his age ... not old enough to be a teenager not young enough to be a "kid" anymore. Usually the thing that actually gets through all of the preteen angst and attitude is being honest... with things like I am asking you to take on this respnsibility so that I know I can trust you... If I can trust you to handle this kind of a situation that is so simply how can I give you more privledges and trust you to make the right decisions and follow my rules when I am not around... You make and break your privledges here. I would love to let you 'ride your bike to to park with your friends by yourself'... but if you can't show me I can trust you by acting right here then I cant trust you will act right and make the right decisions on serious issues away...

He seems to like and respect that he is making his own decisions basically on what he is and is not allowed to do. It's very simple follow the rules and do what is asked and he gets to do more and have all of the responsibility and trust to go out and do his own thing

I hate to agree with KKNY and TOS, but in my county in Florida at least, we are not allowed to talk to a step-parent about educational issues unless a biological parent is also present at the meeting. Our school system does not recognize steps as "parents", so they can only attend meetings or receive informatin if accompanied by the bio parent. We could get in big trouble as teachers if we don't follow that mandate.

My husband and I recently moved and my stepdaugthers will be attending schools in a new school district. My husband was unable to take time off work to enroll them. My husband asked the girls' mother if she would be able to. She said that since we were the ones who decided to move then it was our responsibility. Their mother declared when they entered middle school that she was no longer going to be involved in their schooling (they were old enough to handle things themselves - scary, huh!?!). I called both schools (middle and high school) and asked if it was allowable for me, their stepmother, to register them. Both schools had absolutely no issues. I made it very clear that I was neither their legal guardian/custodian nor their adoptive parent. I was unable to sign the medical immunization paperwork so I took it home, had my husband sign and faxed them back but other than that it worked out. I also made sure that their mother was listed as a secondary household to receive mailings, etc., from the respective schools. I am very greatful that the schools were accomodating to our special circumstances. My husband has primary physical placement and provides for the girls' day-to-day care (without the benefit of child support from their mother), and it would have been problematic if he would have had to take unpaid vacation time to do something that I was able to help with.

Lonepiper,

I dont think a school would have a problem with anyone GIVING information, it is RECEIVING information that can be a problem. And as you said, a parent signed forms. My mom or a friend drops off forms, which I have signed, for me.

Going back to OP, I think you should either leave message for therapist to call dh or have dh leave message that you will be driving child, and they should call you to arrange appointments. I doubt therapist would discuss issues with you.

Lonepiper,

I dont think a school would have a problem with anyone GIVING information, it is RECEIVING information that can be a problem. And as you said, a parent signed forms. My mom or a friend drops off forms, which I have signed, for me.

Going back to OP, I think you should either leave message for therapist to call dh or have dh leave message that you will be driving child, and they should call you to arrange appointments. I doubt therapist would discuss issues with you.

I dont know... for us I give and receive info on regular basis... We are very very involved in the childrens schooling and the teachers and staff know me by name. I volunteer there on regular so maybe that makes a difference....

Mom of 4 -- I think if the childrens mom complained, it would stop.

Ahhh, I didn't think to connect the difference between giving and receiving the information.

Again, as much as I hate it, I have to agree with kkny. If the BM were to complain, I think it would stop. That is what happened in my school district. A BM became very upset about a SM receiving information and complained, and that is when the policy changed. I personally think it is great that some of you are in schools where an involved SP is respected, but that is not my experience in my area as either a SP or a teacher.

Teachers, doctors and others have a duty to keep information confidential. You wouldnt want your doctor telling everyone your personal issues. Doctor can tell dad, and he can tell you. It has nothing to do with respect. Teacher can still respect you, but must be professional.

Do you suppose they can give the stepmother information at a parent/teacher conference if the custodial parent authorizes it (I'm not the parent and I'm absolutely not debating that issue but if their father (hypothetically) can't do it and their mother won't do it...)?

In the county I personally work in, we can only give out info if the BP is present. Other districts may have different policies. I certainly don't see Step-parents as strangers, but I know some on the board do. I think it is up to the individual policies of different districts, and as long as the school is willing to work with a step-parent, I would keep going along as I was until they told me something different.

Whoa. In some of the replies here I sense seething resentment of stepmothers.

SBear,

Counseling is such a good idea! I wish I had done it before marrying! Let the counselor help you navigate whether to include kids or not, but I strongly suggest a counselor familiar with blended family issues and go with your fiance for the sake of YOU 2!!! You need all the help you can get to start things off on the right foot.

Personally, I think a devoted stepmom is a saint, because she is willing to love and care without necessarily being loved back by the stepkids. It may well feel that way at times!

The children certainly need to be parented, for their own sakes as well as the sake of society in general. But that may well pretty much be in the hands of your husband-to-be. It's true you are not the parent, but you are preparing to be the "lady of the house" and you need to find all the support you can to help you with that.

Good luck to you!

Sorry, posted to the wrong thread above there! (my first try . . .)

brideandmom...there are definitely some who completely resent step-moms as they feel that everyone of us stole our husbands from a completely devoted loving first spouse. We all know that is not the case, but resentments are taken out on us. Nice to meet you, and there are plenty on here that are very supportive.

Brideandmom...I read your reply in the other thread....welcome anyway! lol

I am getting lots of good info here, thank you!
I want to clear up the thearpy thing. Stephen (the son) started therapy about a year ago. We have had session with just Stephen and his dad, Stehen and his mom, Stephen and his mom and dad, Stephen with me and with me and his dad. Back in January his dad took him to an appt but there was a miscommunication and the appt didnt happen.

We had some things come up and we werent able to re-schedule a new appt. Since I have been in the past appts I have been calling the therapist and my sweeties request to get a new appt for Stephen.

The therapist doesnt return our calls. I should probally also mention that I had a temporay custody order last year when his dad was deployed. We are considering doing another gaurdianship once we are offically married. Stephens BioMom most likely wouldnt have issue with it.

She sees her son every other weekend and Wednesday nights for dinner.

I am just going on and on here but any other information you need or more advise is great!

Thanks again!

Since your husband has the possibility of being deployed, and you having to care for Stephen, then I would do the guardianship again. That would clear up any legal problems, and allow you to communicate for a child you love very much (that is obvious). I am going to give you advice I wish I would have taken....don't back down on your expectations to keep peace. It will only hurt you in the long run because there won't be consistent expectations, and it will give the children the impression the rules are up for discussion. If you do the hard work now, I believe it will pay off in the end.

Since your husband has the possibility of being deployed, and you having to care for Stephen, then I would do the guardianship again. That would clear up any legal problems, and allow you to communicate for a child you love very much (that is obvious). I am going to give you advice I wish I would have taken....don't back down on your expectations to keep peace. It will only hurt you in the long run because there won't be consistent expectations, and it will give the children the impression the rules are up for discussion. If you do the hard work now, I believe it will pay off in the end.

I know my posts regarding steps/second marriages are negative, but from my experience, second marriages are negative when step children are involved. If you are tired now, just wait a few years. If your future husband doesn't support you now it will never change, the present is your future, and will get worse.

theotherside: Which legal forum? I would love to explore a bit.

You might want to look at a limited power of attorney. Something that will allow you to speak with schools and therapists while your STBH is deployed or is unavailable, if the BM is as willing to sign it as well then all the better. You should take a look at the legal forms here, see if there is something that suits you and the state you live in.

Here is a link that might be useful: US Legal Forms