You wash rodent cage bedding? She doesn't use shavings? I don't get it.

These are ferrets - not really a rodent.

LMAO.. is that your only thought on the ENTIRE post theotherside???

gerina, you have to ask yourself if you are better off with or without him. I would hesitate to say RUN because it sounds as if he's older and his kids are grown and they can leave. It's up to him to decide if he wants to be alone so he can focus all his attention on them, or does he want your companionship, love and future together.

I think it is outrageous that he would get angry at YOU and say such a hurtful thing ("He then said he wondered why we were getting married in a couple of months.") and if that's how he feels, then I'd be asking myself 'why indeed?'. He is the one with the baggage of two overindulged grown kids. I don't remember if you have children of your own but my rule of thumb is that you should put up with as much BS as you bring. If there is no balance and one side is always compromising for the other, then you have a taker and a giver. It usually doesn't work when it only goes one way, it should go back and forth.

Just the fact that he is redirecting his anger at you is a big red flag. I realize that as we get older, it's harder to find a good man and it's easy to overlook some of this stuff, but it's never good to allow someone to treat you in a way that breaks your spirit. You should accept that he may never change and eventually, his kids will get married and have children and live their own lives and the fact that he is not the kind of parent that you might think he should be. Then again, they may constantly be asking for his help and bringing their problems to him. It depends on the kind of people they are but you might have a better idea of that.

If it were me, I'd back off from planning a marriage until he is sure he wants a committed relationship with you. Blaming you and taking out his frustrations on you is not what a marriage is about. I might even start dating again and tell him that when he's ready to make you a priority, then he can give you a call. My answer would be completely different if they were young kids, but these are grown women that know what they are doing. AS long as daddy allows them to run him, they will.

Well, they are 19 & 24. Hopefully, they won't be living at home much longer?! Discuss w/your STBH expectations for when they will move out on their own. He may need a gentle reminder that the real JOB of parenting is adequately preparing them for independence. Some parents like to keep their kids immature and needy, so the kids don't know how to survive on their own. Hopefully, that's not what's going on here. If it is....RUN. But, if it's just laziness on his daughter's parts, call him (and them) on it, break out the apartment finder section of your newspaper, and "help" them along.

Good luck!

I don't personally think he should have yelled at you for asking his mom for a reminder about unplugging the battery... nor do I think that it should have been a big deal in the first place. People do things for people ---especially family--- and sometimes it's an inconvenience (sometimes a major one). Generallly speaking, family obligations are by nature inconvenient. So I don't think you did anything wrong.

But considered from his persepctive and the timing, your request probably came off as somewhat hypocritical. Because it sounds like until very recently you used to (although you are getting better about it, as you say) nitpick the s**t out of his daughters ---at least from ***his perspective***--- for being childishly dependent. And then you go and ask him to ask his mother to remind you of something that you theoretically could have written on your hand or set your own watch/cell phone alarm for. That is, if it was important enough to you to remember to do it, or if you were in actuality the kind of independent, fully-formed, non-needy, capable, non-inconveniencing-of-others adult you so urgently want his daughters to be. The one SD is 19: that's her excuse for not being independently proactive and figuring out how to make sure she's on the ball about every little thing 24/7. The 24-year-old maybe has less of an excuse... How old are you?

I'm just saying that your FDH probably at that moment saw it as not very fair, understanding, or family-like of you. He probably said what he said ("let's call a spade a spade") to point out something along the lines of "hey look, everybody sometimes needs a little help, or needs to inconvenience somebody or impose, or acts like a helpless child, you included, me included, so why are you getting all over my daughters?" And he probably said the other thing ("I'm not sure why we're even getting married") because he is concerned about the lack of empathy and consideration on both sides: his daughters' lazy/messy habits and your lack of understanding that everyone has faults and that, in a family (which you area bout to marry into), people just deal. That doesn't mean anyone should have to take inordinate crap from anyone else, but cars, dishes, pet mess, messed-up plans, these are all part of everyday family life (and many people are bad about doing dishes, many young women don't know jack about cars, many people unfortunately pick pets of the stinkier variety to love... none of this is abnormal or indicative of anyone being a failed person.) So he's probably wondering if this blended family is going to work, and he's probably nervous about that. And he probably has no idea what to do to help the situation so that it's nice for everyone. That's where his extra emotions are coming from.

Like the reminder to unplug the battery, you have options as to how you will personally and proactively deal with situations that concern or upset you. As I said above, you could have set the alarm on your cell phone in that instance. Likewise, you have ***every right*** to refuse to do the one daughter's dishes and you had every right to put the towel under the door to the ferret's room. You're not going to be able to control what other people do (or not do, as in the dishes...), you can only determine what you are willing or not willing to do and to state this to yourself and others. And the more you judge what other people do, the more you open yourself up to be judged b/c it automatically puts you in a position like you're holding yourself up as some kind of model of perfection. Then as soon as you make a similar sort of mis-step, you are toppled from your throne as a hypocrite. This is what I think your husband was reacting to, albeit harshly. It's easier to accept that everyone has flaws, that everyone under a roof (which could include bio-kids, step-kids, room-mates, houseguests, elderly or ailing relatives, and one's spouse) will have bad & annoying habits that will pi$$ you off sometimes, do what's within your power & right to rememdy the situation as you can, express your feelings, maybe get frustrated, but pick your battles and try to focus on better and/or more important things in life.

"rule of thumb is that you should put up with as much BS as you bring"

That is now my new favorite quote!!!!!!!

Ugh, I am all to familiar with anger transference, my husband did that alot during my oldest SS's rough patch. His son would be completely out of control, but it would be MY fault by not catering to him to cause his meltdown. Luckily he came around after SS's councilor gave him a 'Huh?' Its funny, now he's twice as strict and structured on our kids.

At 24 and 19 they shouldn't be relying on Daddy for everything.

"I feel if I keep staying quiet about his kids and not cover for them at all, he will EVENTUALLY be forced to deal with them directly rather than redirecting his anger at me"

Either he will or it will fall apart because you don't want to 'help with his children' and are putting a 'wedge in the family' etc.. Some guys CAN face how their children behave, others would prefer to run forever. Its a gamble.

Thanks for the comments everyone. I did speak w/BF last night about his blow up and things seem to be mostly resolved. To answer a few questions - no, I don't have kids and I am mid-40's. I do see that BF had a bad day and felt dumped on by everyone as he has been taking care of everyone else's (DD's) things. I have compassion for that up to a point, but it's his bed and he made it. I think he wishes DD's were a bit more self-relient, respectful and mature, but he doesn't know what to do. As for me, I have a lot on my plate too. Until the beginning of this year and for almost five years, I have been the sole caregiver to my terminally ill mother. She is now in hospice. Additionally, I have my own business and because I have respite from my caregiving duties I am in school again. So, when he called yesterday I was in the middle of finalizing a school project that was due in a couple of hours (I guess I could have written it down and stuck a post-it on my dash).

He is a great person and I guess he just had a bad day and felt very neglected and not supported by me. My client just arrived here and work and I need to go. gerina

I am sorry for your mother's health.

SD24 should not be living with you. is she still in school? working? 24 is grown. i had a family at that age, was raising a child and supporting a family. 19 should be in school so she could be staying home for a reason. is she in school? but 24 has to be gone. if she can afford travelling she can afford her own place or with roommates.

and whoever keeps pets MUST clean after them.
simple as that.

and you do not need to apologize for not remebering to unplug something. you work, take care of a dying mother and go to school and run a household.

your BF does not need to be taking care of a 24 old woman.

I think that detaching from the girls, is the right way to go, and I would even take it a step further. When there is no silverware, ask your DH to wash it, since he is the one not willing to parent his child by enforcing rules & chores in the home! If the rodent cage smells, put a "stick-up" on her door - DH will notice that sooner than the towel, and maybe clean the cage sooner. Continue in that manner. DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR DH, when he is doing the girls chores, he is making that choice! He could just as easily parent his child, enforce rules & chores, and sit back and have a cocktail with you, while his DD did the dishes, but, that isn't the choice he made, and that isn't your problem. Your new motto...not my kid, not my problem!!