Is It worth it?

11 years ago

I don't have bio children but I've been married twice & both times had step children.
Here's what I learned: When your bio spouse does not back you, there's no hope.
They will never accept you.
No matter what you do or how much you do, it's all meaningless to them.
It doesn't get better, it just goes from bad to worse.

If you stay on you're throwing your life away.

Do your self a favor: LEAVE!
Don't look back & NEVER go back! Not even for a minute!

Featured Answer

Kim Aves

10 years ago

last modified: 10 years ago

Thank you, Andre, for pointing out that this happens with step-fathers too, as well as step-mothers. Everyone says parenting is a thankless job. Try step-parenting. At least with parenting you get unconditional love. With step-parenting, you don't even get that. Didijs7 makes a very observant comment in ref. to, you are pretty much doomed if your bio spouse does not back you. Backing your spouse has to start from day 1. You can't make up for it years down the road either, as I found out the hard way. Sure, there are nasty stepmoms and stepdads, but most of the time it comes down to the spouse not backing you, while the spouse's ex- is making fun of you. That will pretty much kill any potential for a good relationship between a step-parent and stepkids or stepadults.

Step-parenting, one of the last prejudices. You are suppose to clean the house, cook dinner, drive everyone around, take care of laundry, hand out money, never challenge anyone, lay yourself out like sacrificial lamb, and so on, all while letting the entire household and spouse's ex- blame you for anything and everything that ever went wrong in their family due to a divorce that happened years prior and that you had absolutely no part in.

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Comments (12)

emma
11 years ago
I agree with you, you can waste years of your life. I was lucky my second husband did support me. He told his youngest daughter not to send him a Valentine card without including me. That is the only time any of them disrespected me openly. Even though I treated them well, I'm sure they were unhappy with me at times and complained to each other.
kkny
11 years ago
My sister has a great relationship with her adult SS. I attribute to the SS has a good dad, my sister did not meet her DH till well after divorce, and my sister does not try to pretend she is a mom. She is dad's wife. She does not try to compete with, as she calls them, the real grandmas.
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colleenoz
11 years ago
Are you sure you're related?
southernsummer
11 years ago
KK, your sister has a great relationship with her adult stepson, because he is a great stepson. Give credit where credit is due.

I have done all of those things, and my husband's adult children submarine me whenever they get the chance. They just didn't want their parents to remarry at all. My step daughter threatened to cut off her mother when she became engaged to a really nice man, shortly after I married DH. Her mother broke it off and never remarried. Now stepkids are married and SD lives 12 hours away, and her mother is alone.

Regarding real grandmas, my stepson's baby was born in Mid April and lives about 45 minutes away. We saw her once briefly at the hospital when she was born, between real grandma visits, and once briefly when they were our houseguests for the weekend of the ill-fated wedding. Real grandma #2 stayed with us and I never went upstairs all weekend. I'm only a fake grandma.

Real grandmas are providing daily day care while SS and his wife are at work, and DH politely declined when he was asked to stay with grand baby to cover a day real grandmas are unavailable. Better that one of the parents take a vacation day than DH tread on toes of real grandmas.
southernsummer
11 years ago
Just cancelled my $400 monthly automatic checking account debit for my step daughter's medical insurance, which I have done for the past 15 years, which she never appreciated.
mlly
11 years ago
15 YEARS???? Wow southern you are way nicer than this old wicked stepmother lol...I silently read your wedding day drama and sadly it is exactly how I picture my SS wedding would happen someday...if I hadn't disengaged when he was about 14-15....he's 21 or 22 now (I'm so disengaged I cant even remember)

This forum has been a life saver....I still read all the time but rarely comment...I'm so sorry about how you were treated at the wedding...but good for you for finally sticking up for yourself...
southernsummer
11 years ago
Yes, but she is on her new husband's insurance now, so she got what she wanted. Disengaging now. Should have happened long ago.
stepmomofthree
11 years ago
All the "real grandmas" are competing to babysit the brand new baby because it's new and exciting. The novelty will wear off, and two years from now, your SS will be desperately phoning around looking for someone to be a free daycare. Remember these days well. Better yet, keep a journal, so you don't get roped in again.
Southern Summer
10 years ago
Just reading over this thread and making mental notes. KKNY, I love your recommendations, because it allows me to be guiltlessly detached from my husband's adult children every way I can. They seem to think that I should magically appear when they need help money, and vanish otherwise. KK, they can't have it both ways. If I am not family then no gifts, no inheritance, no help, no money. DH has a new family now. I am sweet as pie on the outside, but will casually undermine and disenfranchise them every way I can. That offer of friendship is over. Be afraid, sweeties. It's payback time.
Andre Outlaw
10 years ago
I hate to say this. But if I had to do it all over again I would pass on getting married or even dating someone with a child from another marriage.

I get to clean the house, cook dinner, drive everyone around, take care of my own laundry (because if it gets mixed in with theirs I won't see it again for weeks / months) and then on occasion be told that I'm not doing enough. While the wife and her 12 yo daughter spend most of the day / evening snapping at each other over trivial crap.
mishva
10 years ago
No.l Not worth it.

Is It worth it?

Kim Aves

Comments (12)

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