I would not worry about BM and her fancy house and housewarming gifts. It is OK for her to come over, no problem. You want to be civil. It is not OK to snoop and your BF should stop it.

Other than that who cares what house she lives in. I know plenty of people who live in fancy houses, it does not mean they are happy. I went to see a movie wiht 6 ladies last weekend. One of them lives in a very very fancy huge house, she does not have to work, husband makes a lot of money, her son does great in a very prestigious college. And once again she told us how lonely and unhappy she is.

You are happy in your tiny place and that's what matters. Don't even let it bother you. Enjoy yuour SDs.

I can certainly understand your discomfort -- But you know exactly why you are uncomfortable, and even more importantly, you know how reassuring it is to the kids for you to swallow your own discomfort and be gracious, cordial and welcoming. She's already seen your "tiny" apartment, so she's already done whatever "judging" she's inclined to do. In other words, the 'cat's out of the bag' so to speak as far as your privacy and home turf are considered, as well as any competitive feelings you may have regarding your living standard compared to her new one.

I'd have a candid heart-to-heart with BF to just let him know that you're a bit uncomfortable, but will "eat it" because you know that's best for the girls. But at the same time, you'd like him to keep his Ex and TOM in the *Living Room* out of respect for your privacy and turf issues. A very reasonable compromise.

That is, of course, provided BF can be trusted to keep his mouth shut! For some reason, this is the kind of thing some people would blab share with their Exes.

In my opinion, this is your own insecurity because it's not really what you want. Kind of like having a pimple on your face that only you can see, but you think it's HUGE and you tell everyone about it to avoid them seeing it on their own. I was the same way with my first apt. with X. I am still that way with our house now. BM's house was $350,000 as compared to ours which is about $150,000. And $350,000 is expensive in Texas and buys a huge home. But I just make sure it's clean if we ever have company and leave it at that. She doesn't bcare what kind of house we live in. And if she does talk about it, it's only to people who don't know us anyway so I don't care what they think.

Anyway, my point is to ask BF to not let them go into the bedroom and them leave it at that. Get yourself distracted at work so you won't even think about them being there. And then go home to your FSDs and play with them in the apt. full of love that you are building for them.

Thanks FD. I will definitely try to enjoy the girls, no matter what. Sweeby, you hit the nail on the head - the cat is totally out of the bag. The first year or so of our relationship I did not even have to meet BM, and the girls saw their father so infrequently, I did not want to crowd. (Bad memories of my dad's GFs who would never. go. AWAY.) In a way it prolonged the time where I was a novelty, a mystery, and as such I couldn't do anything to make anyone dislike me or get too close before I knew that BF and I were going to last.

My nerves frayed at the thought of BM in my home is indicative of everything that is to come - I can no longer keep these issues at a distance. I can't stop by his apartment, say hey to the girls, and then boogie out. His home is now my home. Trying to find my role is so hard for me. The idea of even being aware of these things for the rest of my life makes me question the relationship.

BF could not be any more wonderful, and neither of the girls have so much as made a smart remark in my direction. But I am just terrified, terrified, terrified of the whole situation. Although he is excellent at dealing with BM and keeping her in check, far better than I would be, in fact, and takes on 100% of the girls' needs as far as finances, cooking, cleaning, "entertaining", parenting, etc. I have had some real doubts lately. And things like to shut the bedroom door or not to shut the bedroom door makes me want to run for the hills.

definitelly shut the bedroom doors. BM or not BM. Who needs to see your bedroom?

You are marrying your BF right, not his exwife? lol You seem to be awfully concerned of what she thinks or what she says. I mean, listen if my X's wife would be half that concerned what I think i would be very flattered. LOL

Of course you should be concerned about weel being of his children, but forget about BM.

You'll find your role with time, don't worry. But whatever your role is it is definitelly not to impress and please BM. lol Relax.

Don't forget the exwife doesn't really care what your place looks like. She doesn't know you--she may be looking around to see if there's anything that shouldn't be out for kids to see or that would be a hazard. Her youngest is 5 years old and they are leaving the kids with you and her ex. Thats a lot of trust, and they made the 8 hour drive. Many of us know that the kids actually interact with the stepmom more than with the ex.
You may be uncomfortable and I can sympathize with that, but beyond reassuring her that you enjoy the girls and will take good care of them, thats the best interaction you can have with her and probably all you need.

"You are marrying your BF right, not his ex wife?"

Not sure about that statement. 30 years of experience leaves me to question it. It felt like it sometimes. LOL

stargazzer lol. I keep forgetting that there are some pretty crazy exwives out there.

Who was it that said, My DH didnt come with baggage, he came with FRIEGHT!!!!!LOL...The idea of x being in my house, on my block, or in my city would make me cringe!! LOL

Can't he tell her he'll meet her somewhere else? He can say he's going to be out running errands.. nobody is home so they can meet somewhere else. He should respect your feelings and if it makes you that uncomfortable to have her in your home, it shouldn't be a big deal to meet elsewhere. She doesn't have to know why. Or maybe he can agree to close all the doors to other rooms while she's there. There's no reason for her to see your room at all. (that is a little creepy)

But, you certainly don't want to appear to be insecure or controlling, just because this one thing bothers you. I also agree with FD that who cares what anyone thinks, if you are happy... that's all that matters. If she does come over while you aren't there, just let it go and enjoy spending time with the kids. Pick your battles and this is nothing to get upset over. Now, if she snoops in your personal things, that's a problem. But, your BF needs to be the one to create the boundaries with his ex, not you. He should discuss the boundaries with you and the two of you should be in agreement, but in dealing with her, that's HIS job.

People have different boundaries and levels of comfort. Figure out yours and stick to it.

My BF and I are evenly matched in the sense that neither of us maintains a relationship with the exes. Only the bare minimal contact necessary. I would not let my ex see the inside of my house and vice versa.

Thanks for all the responses.

Marge - I can see why a mom would want to make sure the place was suitable for small kids. Even though she knows that BF is on top of those kinds of things, and a very hands-on parent, we still thought it would be a nice gesture to let her in, so to speak. I disagree that she doesn't care what the place looks like - in theory that's how it should be but in reality we were both curious about each other's living situations. She has openly admitted that she has been Googling me, looking at my website and MySpace etc. since the first day she found out about me and BF. She made a lot of comments when she was in our place re: home decor, something she is really interested in. I was a little curious about her place, too, just because I know she works, gets half of BFs salary, and her new DH is wealthy. She actually sometimes complains to me about not having enough money, to which I do not respond. !!

I am sure her primary concern is/should be her kids, but with every situation I have given her an inch and she has taken a mile, i.e. I approve her to be my Facebook friend, then she starts posting comments on all of my pictures every day, or when I let BF's DD9 call BM from my cell and then BM starts sending me little text messages, saying how in "other circumstances" she thinks we would be great friends, etc. In other words, she wants to interact with me outside of the main topic which is the kids. I don't want to do this - actually, in my own friendly and naive way I do, but I know it is not a good idea. I know she is not my friend, but I figure things out as I go along because I don't want to be the one to reject a "friendly" overture. None of it seems outwardly hostile, but there are boundary issues, and that is something I struggle with, so it is a concern for me. I'm not very good at all this, and I only have my own experience to trust in and since I can sometimes be too trusting...I am grateful for the help.

I've been reading, among many other related books lately, "The Enlightened Stepmother: Revolutionizing the Role" by Perdita K. Norwood and Teri Wingender, and last night I came to the part where the authors advised against letting exes into the home, as it feels like an invasion, encourages competition about lifestyles, the allocation of space amongst kids (if applicable), etc. I am just going with my gut on this, but from how I grew up I feel like as long as the bedroom door is shut this time it will be OK. I don't want to make it a touchy subject and take the blame for an awkward situation. Ima is right, I also don't want to appear controlling and insecure. (But as Ashley correctly pointed out, I am insecure about all of this!)

I re-discussed last night with BF and let him know that I changed my mind and did not want to "ban" her, but just to shut both doors to the bedroom and he agreed 100%. But apparently he had already phoned and arranged to meet BM at a nearby cafe for the exchange per our conversation this wknd. So if they end up coming upstairs to the doorway or in to use the bathroom or help with bags later on, BF and I will be on the same page. I will not be there, though - I will be busy at work.

Norcalgirl - Kudos to you for being so mature in this situation!

My FSD's BM was not that mature and she's like 9 years older than me. We had visitation with FSD and BM called and said that she needed FSD home right away to watch their daughter (FSD's half sister) between the time that SF left for work and BM got home. She said FSD knew all about this and just didn't tell us. So we go to drop her off and FSD wants to show me her room. So we go inside and the house is a disaster. I really didn't care because I know they both work weird hours and they're busy with FSD's extra-curricular activity. So SF leaves, she shows us the room and the phone rings. She talks for a minute, hangs up the phone and says "Mom says you guys can leave anytime you want". Basically she made her daughter kick her own dad out of her home. Nice. Funny thing is that SF didn't say anything about us being there when he left.

I would feel the same way....I would not want to BFFs with the BM....or host her in my home. You sound like you have it together and made the right choices for you, your BF and his kids. Best of luck to you!