Lost cause?

19 years ago

Hello,

I'm new here and just looking for advice. I've recently entered into a relationship (about 7 months now) after an extended bout of being single. I am 30 and she is 35. I am in love but worried about the future of our relationship due to her 2 children left over from her divorce. I do like them, play with them and provide for them (she is far in debt so I often feed them during her joint custody weeks). The problem is that they both show signs of being the product of divorce guilt and are so used to getting their own way that they can be terribly misbehaved.

I am expected to be there for them but I am not allowed to criticize them or parent them in the least. Their mother complains constantly to me about their ill behavior but if I bring it up she becomes very upset with me and feels the need to remind me that they are not my children. At other times she will go on and on about how having kids is the most wonderful and incredible experience in the world. This makes me a bit jealous that I do not have kids of my own (she does not want more and I'm not even 100% sure I DO want kids, but as long as I am stuck with them anyway ...) It also makes me feel alienated that I do not get to share in this bond she places above all else (can't fault her for that though).

Is this something we can work through or am I doomed to have resentment build in the dark recesses of my mind towards needing to provide for "other people's children" ? I'm wondering if anyone else has been where I'm at before and how they did (or didn't) work through it. Am I speeding down a dead end street here?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (7)

vistajpdf
19 years ago
I think you're wise to be concerned, but I wouldn't give up on the whole bunch just yet. I would seriously consider getting some counseling, alone and w/ your girlfriend. Communication is the key and it's often much easier w/ a third party there to mediate.

As for criticism of the children, I'd be VERY reluctant to go there. Every mother can be objective about her kids, telling others how terrible they can be, etc, but those mother feathers are sure to be ruffled if anyone else even so much as chimes in about the kids. So, don't really even agree w/ her when she goes off on them but think of some way to say, "I understand how you feel. Have you tried________ to modify the behavior you don't like?" It's human nature to defend what's yours. I could say, "Oh, my oldest is so antagonistic!" and if even my husband agrees my instincts tell me to justify whatever my son did and become his defender! Human nature - moms can critique the child but watch out for anyone else to point out anything wrong!

How old are the kids? Some ages and stages are more difficult than others and I assume, based on her age, that the kids are young. This can be a plus to you if you stick w/ it as they will "grow up" w/ you in their lives. I married my husband when his kids were 12, 14, 16 and it was an uphill battle from the start. I had always wished I'd been in their lives from when they were younger.

If the ex isn't an issue, that's a huge bonus as many of the stepparents' problems are due to the poisoning that goes on from the exes.

She may take a step back if you suggest counseling, but I do think that it would be great. I've gone to three sessions lately w/ my DH and wish we'd done it a lot sooner.

Good luck,
Dana
Vivian Kaufman
19 years ago
Three things that you said stick out in my head:

1. She is deeply in debt--so much so that you have to provide for them.

2. "Stuck with them." I'm sorry that you feel this way.

3. Resentment.

Frankly, the one that concerns me most is the deeply in debt part. I would NEVER EVER tie myself financially to a person who is deeply in debt. He/she would need to extricate themselves from this situation BEFORE ANY talk of marriage.

Divorced parent built, resentment, frustration--all normal things that come with stepparenting. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. It waxes and wanes. Counseling is a good start. Certainly, I would not rush into marriage with this person without some cold, hard, fact-finding about how you REALLY feel about her and her children and whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life as a stepfather. If you decide that you REALLY want children, perhaps this isn't the situation for you. Be discriminating and detached in your decision making. Any indecision and its a no-go. Stepparenting is WAY TOO DIFFICULT to enter into it half-cocked.

...and make sure that she's cleaned up her financial mess before you marry if that's what you decide to do.
Related Discussions
Difficult clay soil - is my garden a lost cause? Or what can I do?
Q
Comments (18)
I was thinking about this thread as I was doing some reading in various places about humus. Even wikipedia puts it this way about stable humus: " this is organic matter that has been protected from decomposition by microbial or enzyme action because it is hidden (occluded) inside small aggregates of soil particles or tightly attached (sorbed or complexed) to clays. Most humus that is not protected in this way is decomposed within ten years and can be regarded as less stable or more labile." It also refers specifically to lignin being one of the main precursors to humus, and that black carbon (e.g. biochar) also seems to contribute a lot to stability. Interesting the way that OM gets attached to clays. I don't know if this is actionable information or what it tells us exactly about what to do in this case; but I'd be tempted to place an emphasis on woody/pulpy inputs (or composts from them) in adding organic material, or at least plant material (stems? corn cobs/stalks? etc) or paper/cardboards that have fair amounts of lignin and get some charcoal/biochar in there too. Just speculating somewhat, but hopefully logically. This will have implications for nitrogen and other nutrient availability - i.e. it might make growing some types of plants or getting good yields harder, at least in short term - but might have benefits in getting there to more stable soil in long term. FWIW.
...See More
When is a tomato plant a lost cause?
Q
Comments (3)
Most common diseases can't be "cured". Many can be slowed down and managed so that you can bring in a harvest. Some diseases affect fruits, some do not. It can depend on how systemic the disease is (as in the case of viruses) or how severe the disease is. Many spots on fruit are pest damage that are mistaken for disease as well. But some diseases just don't affect fruit just because that's not how the disease organism works. Some affect the fruit only cosmetically, and the fruit can still be eaten and will taste fine--so the market grower may pull those plants, but the home grower may try to manage the disease until frost. When to pull depends on a lot of factors. In general, I would say--always pull anything with late blight because of how quickly it kills, how easily it spreads on the wind, and how destructive it can be not only to to tomatoes but to potatoes as well. I would also pull any viruses that stunt the plant seriously and ruin fruit, especially since many common viruses have no cure, cannot be slowed down, and often can spread to plants other than tomatoes. Viruses and some bacterial diseases also necessitate controlling the pest that vectors them. As for your plants--do you know what they have? And are you taking the right steps to control/manage that problem? Because it's impossible to know whether to pull those plants without that information.
...See More
Coming in for winter - pruning, repotting, culling lost causes
Q
Comments (0)
New to the container thing, which means now I have these god like powers to save plants from the winter - not an option I'm used to having in New England! I keep forgetting they're not all sentenced to death like their earth-bound brethren, and realize there's more to it than just chucking their pots indoors. Hoping for some enlightenment regarding plant&pot prep for the transition indoors, such as pruning, repotting, and determining who's worth saving. Some questions I've come up with, in no logical order - I'm scouring the archives as well, so feel free to link to a good explanation of any of this: Treatment vary based on fruiting/flowering/foliage type? Which are okay or better off left outdoors, or in the barn/garage? Cut back fruit/blooms/new growth to conserve energy for the environment change? Pruning to cut down on size, how to decide what to cut/keep? Repotting / refreshing medium / root pruning - too much stress, or helpful? Will seed still on the plant continue to mature one the leaves drop? What about if cut from the plant? Obviously those are a bit generic, and I'm cool with generic answers to get me headed the right direction. Much easier to answer in detail knowing what I'm working with, so I'll add some photos once the uploader decides to play nice. Thanks! ---- Edit #1, c'mon, pictures... So, meet some of the candidates: -a bell pepper plant with a slow start to life as a volunteer; discovered under a squash plant late last fall, potted and brought in and nursed along; spent this summer on the patio. A bit pathetic in the shape department, currently has two fruit on it. Nearly drowned a couple weeks ago with the deluge of rain when exterior container drainage clogged, so its extra pathetic looking. two habaneros sprouted indoors early this year, one main trunk, HUGE leaves, and a shit ton of tiny new leaves, flowers, and fruit at the tops. I'm thinking the huge leaves are a disadvantage as are the plethora of buds.
...See More
Are my boxwoods a lost cause?
Q
Comments (11)
Tiaagrippa: The nursery I work at in southern Wisconsin grows thousands of boxwoods. We too once grew Winter Gem I found that variety while normally winter hardy here discolors badly in the winter sun. It should green up better as temperatures warm up and the plant starts flushing new growth. Just a note that ALL boxwood we grow in the field put on a late flush of growth in the fall. That new growth always comes out yellow in late winter/early spring. We often clip it off so we can dig and sell boxwoods early in the spring. It is not an issue and will happen most years. Will winter gem survive the -22 we had this winter without any damage? That is a good question and too early to tell yet. Even it it does have some die back, do not panic. Let it color up this spring and flush new growth. At that time if you have dead branch tips then clip them back to live tissue. Judging from your photos, your plants really need a good shearing anyway the next few years to get them dense and in better shape. I presume what you purchased are container grown plants based on how they presently look in form. Where I am at we grow at least 6 varieties of boxwood in SE WI and most years they are fine. The worst for off coloring in the winter are Winter Gem and Wintergreen. We have Wintergreen by a building (shade even in winter) and there they stay green. Yet in the field Wintergreen turn off color with the winter sun. They always come back in color once the weather warms up in late May. The least hardy boxwood in my area is Green Mountain which will have more tissue death in cold winters than any other variety. The most cold hardy is Chicagoland Green which is one of the few that can survive even the cold winters of Minneapolis, MN.
...See More
cawfecup
19 years ago
I am in love but worried about the future of our relationship due to her 2 children left over from her divorce...
Is the statement I had a problem with... the left over part. eeks.

7 months in and you are already ______ that you are supporting her and her leftovers. 7 years from now the leftovers will still be there and so will her bills.
vistajpdf
19 years ago
Cawfe and vivian had some GREAT points about soup's wording. To be honest, I had the same concerns, esp. about the "leftover" issue, but as usual, I didn't have the assertiveness to say anything.

Soup: If your wording tells the insider's truth, be very careful about getting further involved. If you can't stand things now, it will only be worse when they're 16, wanting cars, having teenager communication problems, etc. And, if you truly question whether or not you can be there for them during the tough times, I'd rather not see them get attached to you any further. Do some soulsearching, be honest, and reassess.

Still wishing you luck,
Dana
soupsoupsoup
Original Author
19 years ago
Thank you so much for the responses. I can't believe that I was blinded by emotion enough to miss some of these the points brought up by all of you. Thank you all for your input.
vannie
19 years ago
Get out while you can. This will only get worse. Run, run, run.
Jonesy
19 years ago
when you marry someone with debt, it is your debt. I know a lady who married then had to use her savings to pay her husband's bills from a bankruptcy he filed before he met her.

Lost cause?

Comments (7)

vistajpdf

Vivian Kaufman

Related Discussions

cawfecup

vistajpdf

soupsoupsoup
Original Author

vannie

Jonesy

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Lost cause?

Comments (7)

vistajpdf

Vivian Kaufman

Related Discussions

cawfecup

vistajpdf

soupsoupsoupOriginal Author

vannie

Jonesy

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

soupsoupsoup
Original Author