I am assuming from reading your letter that you don't have children of your own. If that's the case you deserve a lot of credit and some xtra support for the task you have taken on. I am rearing my 3 year old grandson but it feels easy so far compared to what you are dealing with ESPECIALLY if you didn't raise children of your own. Dynamics between females in a household are often tricky and I think you are seeing signs of this in your 10 year old granddaughter. She is working at establishing herself as a young woman, and you are working at establishing yourself as an authority figure in her life while you amange a home, amarriage, and other obligations. Tough going!! There are bound to be rough spots but I will make a couple of suggestions about smoothng things over. First, try to take your own ego out of the equation. Don't get your feelings hurt if at possible and stay calm as if you were a teacher or doctor. This is hard but it can really help defuse a hot situation. Tell her you will speak with her about it later when you and she can think about the topic some more. Tell her calmly that you are trying really hard to make a happy and safe home for her and her brother. Tell her you don't have all the answers but you will always listen if she needs to talk. Show openess and kindness to her...sounds like she has had a rough childhood and might be needing some soft guidance from a female figure. If she's got a therapist, I think you could use one too! Not forever, just a few appointments to support you in this job. You are worth it. Set your husband straight that he was unfair to dump the costume decision on you and that you and he SHARE this job. Yes, you spend time with them but he cannot sail in to be Fun Person. Not fair to you OR these children who could use a kindly, protective father figure. If I had to guess, I would say your GD is doing some attention-getting behaviors and rather than turn your back on that, give her what she needs now. Otherwise, you will end up with a defiant, ugly teenager who battles with you non-stop. Fix things NOW...you won't be sorry.

I can understand where you're coming from (well, more where she's coming from). My husband is very huggy and physically demonstrative...I am not -- due to a lack of such of demonstrativeness in my family, as well as some sexual abuse history on my part. I personally start to feel physically threatened or uncomfortable if someone, including my husband, invades my personal space when I'm not expecting it, or not "in the mood" for it. This is something we've had to overcome, by both compromising -- I push my physical comfort boundaries whenever possible, and he knows not to push me when I ask him not to. The important thing is for both of you to be aware of this issue, and work together towards a mutally comfortable level of affection -- it is possible for those of us who are "colder" to learn to appreciate snuggling on the couch for a while, and for those that are more physically demonstrative to occasionally just say "I love you" without diving in for a hug every time. I think it's very important that you find out if you can make each other happy in this regard before you get married. I do also think that lack of physical affection can be a sign of a major issue in the relationship, though, if it's accompanied by actual physical pushing away by one partner, or a refusal to discuss the situation. My poor brother-in-law was married to a woman that would push him away if he came over to hug her, and they had no sex life (they just recently divorced; not a surprise to any of us who had seen how she avoided ever being close to him). If the lack of demonstrativeness is extending into all areas of your romantic life, then you have a major problem.

She sounds like my mother, who had narcissistic personality disorder; there's no such thing as a "normal relationship" with someone like this. You *have* to protect yourself because, to a narcissist, you, & everybody else in the universe, are just scenery to be chewed in the never-ending melodrama that is her life. Assuming that my impression is accurate: First thing you gotta do is get your hubs where he belongs- by your side, presenting a united front. Neither one of you should have any substantive conversations with her unless the other one is present. Second thing is to stop trying to solve everybody's problems & disengage- if she manipulates her grandfather into paying for a $90 hooker costume, her grandfather needs to be the one who tells her "no dice" & returns the costume. Third thing is to stop handing over control to get her to stop throwing tantrums/making scenes; no more returning home to get whatever she forgot, & keep a glass of water to dash in her face if she gets "hysterical". Fourth thing is to suspect everything she tells you; she's getting a lot of satisfaction from dramatic scenes at school, in the emergency room, etc. You might talk to her therapist about how to control the chaos, but don't count on ever being able to let your guard down. I wish you the best.

Wonderful news, I am praying for her for a complete recovery. Best of luck with her rehab and getting to walk again, even with a walker.