Hi Jerseystepmom,

I have a 14 y/o SS that lives with me and a 13 y/o SS that lives with their BM. They always spend Mother's Day with their BM. I guess I have to admit that I do feel somewhat cheated too since the 14 y/o lives with us fulltime too, and I do all the same things. However, he is very respectful to me, and treats me very well. Their Dad makes sure that I get a card every year.
In my situation, the BM would NEVER split the day with me.

We solve that problem by me going with my sisters and nieces and making the rounds of all the greenhouses and bringing a picnic lunch to share in the park. Maybe celebrating it the day before or after? And then on Mother's Day go and do something special just for you.

When my stepkids were younger we celebrated "Stepmother Day" which was designated the Saturday before Mother's Day. This helped by making them not feel like they were being disloyal to their mother. If Mother's Day fell on our weekend, we would get them home in plenty of time to spend with BM, and this SM would go get a mani/pedi and a facial!!

I like that idea happy. On behalf of the stepchildren to all of the wonderful, loving stepmothers out there, I propose an annual Stepmother's Day. What's great about it is Stepmom gets to choose whatever day is convienient to them other than on mother's day.

"When my stepkids were younger we celebrated "Stepmother Day" which was designated the Saturday before Mother's Day."

What a lovely idea! I'm going to propose that to my BioSon, who has a really, really nice StepMom who does a lot for him. I've generally given a portion of Mother's Day to her (easy since she's only a few blocks away), but she and EvilEx will be out of town this year, so the StepMom's Day would be a great surprise.

My stepkids always remember to call me on Mother's Day, for which I'm always grateful and (?)always surprised. (They're actually very nice to me -- Not sure why I'm always surprised...)

I have never spent mother's day with my step kids.Although,they have been kind enough to call me and wish me a happy mother's day.

I also like the idea of Stepmother's Day! I think we'll start a new tradition here with that.....it will confirm to the kids that there is no conflict for them on Mother's Day, and I won't feel so left out!

Thanks for all the input!

Of my three stepchildren, my stepson and my youngest stepdaughter have always called me on Mother's Day. We've often spent this day together and the BM has never never objected. Once, when the kids were younger she even called me to say the kids wanted to see me. I thought that was really, really nice. I went and got the kids and spent some time together.

For the last few years, only my youngest stepdaughter call's me on Mother's Day. My SS who is now 20 yrs. old never does anymore.

I am anxious to see what will happen this year, considering my youngest SD and the oldest one live together now.

After reading all these post I thought how wonderful for all of you. I really thought stepchildren did not think to wish a stepmother "Happy Mothers Day." I just assumed that we (stepmoms) were not considered mothers on Mothers Day. I so wish my stepchildren would think of me on Mothers Day with just a short telephone call or a simple note. After 6 years they have never acknowledged me on Mothers Day or on my birthday. It makes me very sad. I do know their mother would be furious if they spent anytime with me on Mother Day or my Birthday because in the past they always seemed to disappear on those days. I know their bio mom expects them to do something special for her on Mothers Day and/or her birthday. I know this because SS told me "mom would be really mad if I forgot her on Mother Day/or her birthday so I better go shopping to get her a gift and get over to her place."
I always remember their (stepchildren) birthdays and any special days (graduations) they have. I do nice things for them whenever I can. I guess I feel like they will never do anything nice for me. I get tears in my eyes when I think of this. I am sooo very happy for all of you who have stepchildren who treat you nicely, appreciate you, and care about you. Thanks for listening.

Wow, sunnygardenerme....that is sad. And it sounds like a well thought out plan by biomom. Maybe you should mention this to your husband....show him how other families handle it and encourage him to explain this to the kids. Perhaps they (as you apparently) believe that there is no room for recognition of a stepmom, but you can see there is! And it is clear that no stepmom wants to take the place of the biomom on Mother's Day, but we do deserve to be recognized for the role that we play in the children's lives, right?!

And, I have 2 steps -- the 16 y/o boy who lives with me and does genuinely appreciate me and the 20 y/o girl who lied to us, stole from us (my husband and me), and probably couldn't care if we were living or dead!

Sorry you don't even have one who appreciates you. I'll say to you what people used to say to me....some day they will realize what you have brought to their lives...

Sunny, I know exactly how you feel. I have 2 DSS, ages 11 and 13, and they have NEVER acknowledged me in any way on Mother's Day in the 8 years I've been married to their dad. (I realize that the real person to blame is DH, who should have started them in the tradition of acknowledging me when they were younger--as DH's mom suggested--but at this point, I don't care enough to even mention that to him.) They live with BioM and visit us every other weekend, IF there isn't something else they'd rather do that weekend. The 13 yo is at a point where it is a struggle to visit at all b/c he'd rather stay home to visit with his friends. (He and DSS #2 live 2 hrs away.) I have learned to deal with the "doormat" syndrome by simply disengaging and realizing that I mean nothing to them and just not taking it personally. It is really hard, because when they are in my home, I am in the "mother" role, and it's my job to cook meals for the family, etc. I still do nice things for them (make their favorite foods, etc.), hug them and tell them I love them (even though they NEVER hug back or say they love me) but I NEVER EVER expect anything in return. Being a SM is the most thankless job ever, but I handled it a lot better once I realized (a few years ago) the situation for what it is. I also recognize that their as they get older, their visits are fewer and fewer and in a couple years, they will be less and less of an issue. (Believe me, I HATE it that's the way it is, but it is reality.) At the end of the day, I would rather be married to their dad than without him, so that alone is worth it. I also am thrilled for those of you who have loving relationships with your steps and hope this makes you appreciate it all the more.

Hi,

Do you have any biochildren?

It seems to me that while you are doing a lot, in the boys eys EOW is not nearly the same as BM.

To kkny, I agree that EOW is not the same as biomom, but at the same time, she is doing things that she really doesn't have to do so it would be nice to be acknowledged. And while I wouldn't expect the kids to see it, it would be nice if their Dad helped them to see what she does and encouraged them to show some appreciation (Stepmother's Day!). He is the one who can make a difference....

Thanks for your thoughts jerseystepmom and I totally agree with your response to kkny. mollymcb I too can relate to how you feel. My stepchildren are now adults, but over the last few years they have lived with us (DH & myself) and I did alot for them everyday with no thanks. Their mom would not let them live with her. It just hurts that they never appreciated a thing I did or at least could say thank you on Mothers day or my birthday.
I too have learned to disengage and it has helped some. I love my DH very much and for him I wish they would at least care a little about me. I know he would truely like that. DH is the one that often gets me involved or back engaged with them, to help them out in some way. Their bio mom does nothing for them. So sometimes it is hard to disengage.

sunnygardenerme,

I truly, truly understand how you feel in regards to your DH's children. I am really sorry for what you have to put up with and contrary to many post I've read where we can read that : " some day they will realize what you have brought to their lives...", I don't really believe in that.

After 18 years as a SM, it doesn't matter what I do, what I've done or what I would do for DH's oldest daughter, she would not appreciate it and she would not thank me for it! I know, I've been doing it for 18 years. But about a month ago, I said : that's it! Had enough. I've completely disengage from this person and I am so proud of myself for it. It always hurt me that she never called me on Mother's Day, on my birthday, at Christmas, etc. etc. People used to tell me she will one day. Ya right. She will be 27 yrs. old in a couple of days and I haven't seen that happening yet so I am not holding my breath.

sunneygardenerme, in order to really not let your stepchildren ingnorance bother you on Mother's Day, you do something special just for yourself on that day. Buy yourself some flowers and place them where everybody can see them and if anybody ask why you got these flowers tell them : '' you are never better served but served by yourself" and on this day you are celebrating what every other woman in the world who has children in her life, whether they are stepchildren or not, is doing! Go sunneygardenerme!

Keep posting. From one stepmom to another, I will be sending you warm, warm wishes on Mother's Day.

This is what I do for holidays... I buy myself "something" or send myself flowers and put the kids names on it ... and thank them for getting me "just what I wanted". It would be nice if they did it on their own but I won't hold my breath. (bio children included)

My 8yr SD entered a mother's day card contest at school. The cards are to be displayed up at the local market. She asked her art teacher to do one for her SM and the art teacher told her no you can do one for her at home.

She came home from school asking if we could go see them on display I said sure. Thats when she told me what the art teacher said.

Thinking how nice it was for her to ask if she could and how the teacher re-enforced the evil SM role.

Then the what ifs came into play...
what if BM was MIA?
what if she was being raised by a grandparent?
what if she had two moms?
what if she had two dads?
what if BM was dead?

With all the "family" dynamics in the world how could the teacher just say "no make one at home".
I understand not being able to make 20 cards but there has to be an exception to the rule. Only one card per child.

Cawfecup, What an insensitive thing for the art teacher to do! That surprises me, as you would think they are used to seeing all sorts of family dynamics. Reminds me of a church we visited once. The preacher called all the kids up front during the service for a short bible lesson. We dutifully sent my 2 DSS, who were then about 5 and 7, up for the lesson. Apparently, the custom there was that a child was chosen each week to bring a treat for the end of the lesson the NEXT week. At the end, the preacher asked WHO would like to bring next week's treat. When DSS age 5 held up his hand, I held my breath, hoping he would not be picked, as we did not have them the next weekend, and they live 2 hours away, so he could not possibly do it. Just as I gave a sigh of relief when he wasn't picked, the preacher THEN asked each and every child to PROMISE him that they would MAKE their mommies and daddies bring them back next week!! I was so shocked with this tactic! This let me know right away that this was not a church that even considered the visitation situation (or any other family situation!), and needless to say, we did not go back. We had similar experiences at other churches we visited, which did help to weed them out quickly! Our church now is not super sensitive to stepfamily situations, but they are at least tolerant.

As someone who is a stepdaughter and not a stepmother, I have a really hard time with Mother's Day and my stepmother. I can't bring myself to think of her in that way even though I know that's what she wants. My mother died when I was nine and that is the only mother I've ever known. I don't harbor any resentment towards my stepmother but when I was growing up she was not exactly motherly and was not required to do any of the typical woman of the house things (cooking, cleaning, laundry.) When my father did finally marry her after she'd been living with us for four or five years, my brother and I found out after the fact. Now that I have my own child, which she dotes on like any grandmother, it is really apparent that wants to be included in my Mother's Day plans. I find this very odd and don't know how to deal with it after such a long time (twenty plus years) even though we have gotten much closer over the years. Do grandkids give their grandmothers Mother's Day cards? I'm trying to understand where she's coming from because it just would never occur to me to wish anyone but my own mother, a happy Mother's Day.

I see that my daughter sends cards etc to both grandmas. But this is proably a hallmark inspired holiday.

I am sorry about your experiences with your SM. Did she have any biokids? Maybe she just really didnt know what to do?

She doesn't have any kids of her own and she just doesn't have a motherly instinct. I suppose if she had been different I would feel differently now. She told me that some friends of hers took her out for lunch yesterday for Mother's Day and I was in shock. Now of course, I feel guilty but genuinely confused and a little annoyed. I guess I can try to make sure we celebrate granparents day or something.

She doesn't have any kids of her own and she just doesn't have a motherly instinct. I suppose if she had been different I would feel differently now. She told me that some friends of hers took her out for lunch yesterday for Mother's Day and I was in shock. Now of course, I feel guilty but genuinely confused and a little annoyed. I guess I can try to make sure we celebrate granparents day or something.

I agree that there should be a step-mother's day. The only problem that I would have with it is how to explain it to my bioson. I know my SD is too young to get the idea right now(she is 4 in July) and spends Mother's Day with her biomom. My fiance is good about signing the card from both our kids and I know that biomom won't let me share the day with her. (I'm not allowed to talk to my SD when her father calls nightly so a call on Mother's day is out) If anyone can come up with someway to have a Stepmom day without confusing the bio kids I am open for ideas lol.