I think it's OK to have mixed feelings towards your SKs, provided you acknowledge how you feel and try to work through it.
It's hard to be on your own, have control over your own place, and then suddenly lose all that. I went through some mixed feelings about living with FDH when he moved in with me this winter (his home flooded, so we're in my tiny one bedroom basement suite until his condo is repaired and we can move there this summer). My home went from MINE ALL MINE to being subject to infestation by dirty man socks and frequent destruction by a 9yo boy. I love FDH and his son, and it's worth it, but it was a struggle for me to adjust.

The good news: you know how you feel and that you don't want to feel that way, so your hard part is done. You're way ahead of lots of people!
People often go through spells of "I wish it was just the two of us" with their own biokids too, but I think it's more common with SKs.
My SM and I (I'm 26) get along great. We have butted heads here and there, but overall have a wonderful relationship. But I know she was relieved when I moved out at age 20. So was I! Our occasional headbutting never appeared to negatively affect our relationships with my dad.

I guess what I'm saying is that this sounds pretty normal to me, and I don't think you're a bad person. If you said "I hate that shmuck and there's no way your waste of a kid is moving in with us!" THEN you would be a bad person, but what you've described just sounds like a frustrating road bump to me, and it sounds like you've done OK. Give things a bit after he moves out, and I'd bet they'll return to normal.

If SS does wind up moving back again, make sure that DH lays out the ground rules right off the bat. IMO, since he is working, he should be paying for at least his own food, and probably some rent too, but you and DH will have to figure that sort of thing out, and be very clear BEFORE he gives his roomies his notice.

THere is nothing wrong with you! You have alot on your plate and the fact the another person in your household is not pulling their weight is just another morcel on the plate.
You were very open and honest to your husband abotu your feelings abotu kids. And you held firm.
You need to set another set of guidelines for yourself now and speak to your husband about arranging payments since 3 people live there now.
You feel resentful because you are a maid. You are cleaning up after an adult in your household that you did not marry and who does not put in any effort to clean or chip in the bills. You have the right to feel this way. You are human. you didn't marry into this situation. I'm sure your adult SS is very nice but he's the typical male bachelor syndrome. And you are concerned with your hoem to be clean. So he wont clean because you are picking up after him. you have become the maid. You must set guidelines for yourself. This way the resentment will reside. Trust me on this. It will.
Guidelines:
1. Do not clean up after him. No cleaning his room. No cleaning his laundry. This is your boundary. This will be hard cause i tend to go nuts! in my house when soemthing is not clean.
2. Bills in the household are split in three ways. You all use water electricity and food. Therefore all of you will pitch in. THis your husband and you must sit down and discuss this. Its only fair. Show him the bills before his son came and then after. Do the math. Then sit his young adult son and explain that chippingin the bills is needed.
3. Take turns cleaning dishes and cleaning the house. Set designated days or just split the work on one day. Get your husband involved as well. ASk your SS to help out. Be polite about it, just say i need help with the dishes, Can you please hang the laundry while i make dinner.
If he decides to stay these are the guidelines i would have. But since he decided to move out again , i think its best. I know your husband is hurt but he's an adult. It looks to me like SS was trying something and it didn't work in his best interest so he's moving on.
Dont feel guilty. There is nothing wrong is wanting an orderly home. You married your husband without kids. You made your intention clear from the beginning and there is nothign wrong in feeling resentful about taking care of an ADULT you never wanted or married, you dont want kids of your own! So to me, its not about getting rid of the stepchild which i'm sure you will have a few people accusing you of this. IGNORE THEM.
You said it yourself. You like his son, you love your husband. You just did not want to be a maid to no one. You didn't marry with kids. And your SS is not a child. He's an adult. I'm sure, if your SS worked, paid some bills, cleaned after himself, did his laundry and took turns cooking you wouldn't mind him living with you would you????
In the end, i'm sure he's a great young man, but he still has alot to learn about looking after himself. And being in your home wont allow for this. You picking up after him will not allow him to grow. Sorry. at his age its best if he dips his feet into the real world and takes the responsibility head on. Its time to leave the nest.

this is fine to want grown children to move out at some point. nothign wrong with that.I love my daughter and would do anythign for her and I miss her every day, but i do not havea need for her to live with me in her adulthood. i wish she lived closer by, but there is no need for her to live with me 100% of the time.

I agree - to have these feelings, acknowledge that they aren't the 'best' and seek a way to change them is the biggest hurdle. Now to clean up the pieces of your hurdle race . . .

First is to find a way to handle talks with your husband so that they don't turn into fights. If you are approaching them constructively this shouldn't happen. He will be defensive because you're bringing forth complaints about a part of him, but if you approach him saying 'I feel frustrated because I can't keep up with the housework on my own, can we think of ways to make it more manageable?' in theory he should be much more receptive than if you approach him saying 'Your son is such a slob and the house is a mess, you need to make him help me more.'

There are weekends when my kids will go with my parents for a visit and I can't help but think WOW - things are so easy and clean without the kids. DH and I have the nicest time sleeping in, reading the paper, going out to eat . . . and then sitting and talking about how much we miss the kids. :-) I think it's fine to have these feelings, as long as they don't take over so that you are pushing your DH to make a choice between his child and his wife.

DH does his son no favors by giving him this pretty picture of adulthood. It's time for him to start taking some responsibility for his life and act like the adult he is. Thus, if he is to move back DH needs to do exactly what Ceph said - lay down the expectations before he moves in. Should he agree and then not keep his end of the deal . . . . well, then it's time for a new post.

Best of luck - keep us in the loop.

You've been through a great deal of stress & change within a very short time, & your new husband is not only oblivious, he's willing to have you miserable & to let his son treat you like a utility.

Moving his son in without consulting you was wrong, & offering to send him a plane ticket to come back, after he's seen how things have been with the son in residence, is not only wrong, it's a slap in your face.

Stop being the maid, go back to being a girlfriend, expect things to be done *for you*, & disengage from the mess.

If, after all you've endured & after all he's witnessed, your hubs does send this adult person a plane ticket so he can move back in...get out of this mess & go on with your own life.

I wish you the best.

Hi. I certainly understand from where you come. I placed my first post on this site two weeks ago because my BF's 24-year-old D just moved back home with us, so I completely sympathize with you. BF and I have been together more than 10 years, lived together for 4 of them, and we decided to get married this coming autumn. I think all but one of the responses to my post told me to RUN, RUN, RUN! It's certainly easier said than done, especially when you love the person, and fit so well together.

I live in his house, and like you I was INFORMED that D is coming back to live with us. I could tell he wasn't happy about it. He said that she told him that she and her BF's lease expired and they couldn't find any cheaper rent (I know that it's because they have several pets). She also said that she will leave us in October. In all reality, with the price of things, I doubt she will move out in October. Plus her dad caved and there isn't any incentive for her to move.

When she asked to move back, he said "fine", BUT YOU WILL PAY RENT, DO CHORES, etc. She has been here 5 weeks and he has yet to ask her for rent nor to do any chores that contribute to the house as a whole (at least she now cleans up after herself - she never did before). It really makes me angry.

Prior to the thirteen months on her own, she lived like a spoiled "princess" - in fact, it's been her family nickname since she was a child. Her behavior is incredibly narcissistic and mostly insufferable, but she is not my kid and I don't have to love her. Several of my friends who have kids (of various ages) have told me that their love for their kids is unconditional, no matter what they do wrong and how much pain they inflict upon them. For whatever reason, my BF wants to have an adult/adult relationship with her, but w/out holding her accountable like he would any other adult. I guess it's an unconditional thing that I don't understand because I have no kids.

BF has been very good and supportive to me. My father passed away a few years ago and left me to care for my terminally ill and emotionally disturbed mother. I hve no other family. He stood by me during probably the worst five years of my life. I am sure that I was probably "insufferable" at times. Anyway, relationships are give and take. Yes, if I marry him, my BF's D will always be in my life, but not always in my home. I do not like her and I doubt that I never will, but I really do love her dad. He and I deserve a life too. Decide how much you are able to tolerate and what the give and take is between you and H. Sorry I was so long winded.

I wonder why 24-year-old SD had to move in? is that a temporary situation to finish college degree or what? I cannot guarantee that DD would not need to move back in but she has no desire to live with her parents at age 24. I wonder what makes grown children wanting to live with parents? 19 is understandable, not done with school yet. But 24?

In the case of my BF's 24 year-old, the rent for her 1 bdrm apt., located in a not so good area (car broken into twice), increased to $1,500/mo. We live just outside of San Francisco and the cost of housing here is outrageous. This supposed to be temporary, but I can see her becoming all too comfortable with the easy situation. Personally I think she needs to get rid of her pets and move to a studio apt., but saying that would probably start a war.

It does seem like a lot of younger adults (20's - 30's) do enjoy the free rides and lack of responsibilities of maintaining a household which is inadvertantly provided out of their parents kindness or guilt.

Oh boy, I feel your pain, I'm not even going to get into my situation but it is similar with my SS28, DH travels for work approx 3 weeks out of the month. If I ty to discuss issues like cleaning up ect he gets VERY defensive.

I'm with the run, run, run crowd. Sorry. No you are not a bad person at all. It's real easy for DH because he gets to leave and not deal with it!

Good luck whichever way you choose, I just can't recommend anyone else go through this.

Though yes young adult males are slobs! My own son drove me absolutely nuts when he was here he was such a slob-sweet but his room was a serious pig stye! No way do I want him to move back in, and he knows it! Nor does he want to live with parents anymore. I want both adult SSons & G-son to get their own places, they make good $$-Why are they here?

Unless your DH is willing to set a time frame & stick to it like 4 weeks (enough time to save up down payment for apt) if SS needs to come back, put your foot down otherwise this will be your marriage and life.

Best of luck.

I could never understand getting pets if you cannot even afford your own place and decent living! SO's older DD bought expensive cat which dad warned her against. when that cat starting getting sick constantly she had to pay 1000, 500 etc for surgeries. so she started asking dad for money. he said no, i told you not to buy expensive pets. she called him selfish and gave him silent treatment. he gave in and paid. but this is a mystery to me! if you cannot provide for yourself let alone pets, why having pets on the first place!

The surgeries wouldn't have cost any less if the cat had been a stray that showed up on her door step. Pets can be expensive, but except when I was living in a dorm, I don't think I have ever spent even a week without at least one pet since I was a toddler. In addition to the love and companionship they provide, they teach children about responsibility and putting someone else's needs before their own, they help their owners combat depression, and they are just plain wonderful to have around. I can't imagine a life without pets - I would gladly go hungry first.

tos is right, the vets don't charge less for pets without a pedigree, & pets are wonderful company & they're simply excellent for our health.

Insisting/demanding that someone "get rid of" beloved pets is controlling & cruel.