My SS29 phoned me to say Happy Mother's Day. It was very obvious that he only did it out of obligation, it was a very tense and brief phone call. It meant nothing to me since it was so obvious that he really didn't mean it. SD24 and SD25 didn't acknowledge me at all. I've learned to expect nothing from them, so I wasn't disappointed when nothing came my way.

However, I feel that this is a two-way street. If they feel that they are not close enough to me to acknowledge me on my special days, birthday, Mother's Day, etc, then why would I be expected to acknowledge them on their special days? I did not raise any of my husband's children, so I do not expect them to look at me as their Mother.

It is like they have a double standard from what they do for me compared to what they expect from me. I feel that they want me to treat them as I treat my own 3 children. But then they can treat me like a stranger because after all, I'm not their Mother. Where is the equality in this?

I'm good with a distant, cordial relationship with them (one where they don't acknowledge me on special days, but then they have no right to expect me to acknowledge them on their special days either). What is good for the goose is good for the gander!

Raek, thank you for the additional info. It does have me scratching my head due to the fact that on Mother's Day you acknowledged a SM whom you obviously do not care for, simply out of respect for your dad, while you seemed to be justifying the OP's SKs' actions in not acknowledging her--in other words, you yourself did the opposite of what it sounded like you were condoning in the OP's SKs. If I missed something there, I apologize.

As for my situation, my DSSs 13 and 15 did nothing to acknowledge Mother's Day. Looking back through old cards I found 1 Mother's Day card from DSS 15 that was given to me several years ago. It was totally out of the blue and unexpected. He obviously did it on his own, since DH has never made any effort to encourage/assist them in getting me a Mother's Day gift (nor does he encourage/assist them in purchasing a gift for BM.) It saddens me that after all we have experienced together the past 10 years they just don't think of me that way. I also agree with what Mom23step23 said above:

"It is like they have a double standard from what they do for me compared to what they expect from me. I feel that they want me to treat them as I treat my own 3 children. But then they can treat me like a stranger because after all, I'm not their Mother. Where is the equality in this?"

For example, we had a BD party for DSS 15. MIL called me to discuss party arrangements, cake ordering, etc. These are just things that are considered "the mother figure's role." At the party, having made the arrangements, I was the point person for the group. DSS would not even have noticed if I wasn't there (and probably would have preferred it) After 10 years of this, I have finally learned to detach so as not to get my feelings hurt. I do what I have to, am polite, stay in the background, etc. Perhaps some day DSSs will look back and see what efforts I did make, but in the meantime, I won't hold my breath!

"It is like they have a double standard from what they do for me compared to what they expect from me. I feel that they want me to treat them as I treat my own 3 children. But then they can treat me like a stranger because after all, I'm not their Mother. Where is the equality in this?"

I agree with this also. What's good for the dang goose.....

Molly...I guess my objection speaks to expectation. I did what I did because it is my personality to do so. I doubt my brother did anything to acknowledge her for Mother's Day, but I don't think he is a bad or rude person because he did not. Also, my SM is also a mother and has a son of her own. I wonder if the fact that Sunny is not a BM and also did not raise SKs does not also contribute to why they did not call. It would be like me calling my single Uncle who has no children and wishing him a happy fathers day. It doesn't really make since, at least not to me. It's not Aunt's Day or Uncle's Day or Friends day...kwim?

I also do it because I know things will go more smoothly with her if I do. I know she can't point the finger at me and say that I'm not a good Step Kid.

"It would be like me calling my single Uncle who has no children and wishing him a happy fathers day. It doesn't really make since, at least not to me. It's not Aunt's Day or Uncle's Day or Friends day...kwim?"

I get where you are comignfrom Raek but this woman did do alot of Motherly type thing sofr these kids. They are on her health insurance for weeping out loud. Most Aunts and Uncles wouldn't do that sort of thing. I sure as hell wouldn't be supporting them financially AT ALL if we were being all technical about who is whoes kin. I would tell Hubs that he or Bio mommy needs to get them on his or her insurance.

I'm not trying to sound petty but it really is a two way street. The kids ARE right, she isn't thier mother so why is she doing motherly things for them!

Sunny Garden,

Go buy yourself a Mother's Day present with the money you would spend on their damn premiums is what I say!

Doodle, she might be doing them as part of how she and her DH split expenses. I dont think you can look at an isolated item. I know you support your dh, but statistically that is not common. Its amazing to me how many people think that SMs money is hers to decide but Dads should go into the pot. I suspect she did these things as part of being "Dad's wife" and he should thank her. These kids barely lived with her.

SM's money is most deffinatly hers when she has no children of her own. This would be doubled if the kids always pointed out that she isn't their mother. If the SM is treated as part of a family unit than she will likely put her money into the family pot to benefit the children as well as help pay overhead and utilities.

However, if she was treated like an outsider and constantly reminded she was no ones mother (which in essence is a nice way of saying you don't belong in our family) then she shouldn't be expected to contribute a single flipping quarter to the family that is not hers.

Dad's wife does not mean responsibility to dad's kids in anyway. As a wife all I am required to do is keep my husband happy. I have no legal financial obligations to the girls. I am very much made to feel part of the family and treated like an equal so I don't mind doing anything I can to support them. I feel they are partly mine because I have been so excepted and loved. I love them because of how they have excepted me.

If the girls had snubbed me. Treated me like a fungus. Treated me as just "Dad's wife" instead of a legit family member. Totally snubbed me on Mother's Day. Threw it up in my face constantly that I was not their mother....well, I wouldn't be going broke making sure they had what they needed thats for damn sure. It would be go talk to your father if you need (fill in the blank).

Nothing personal but I am no ones freaking whipping boy. I am not a endless pit of give give give with out ever recieving anything in return. No relationship works that way. None. Marriages like this fail. Friendships like this crumble. I would have a totally seperate account and none of money would go towards anything for HIS kids. Utilities and rent would be split half and half. My car would be off limits. Any personal items I brought with me (i.e. computer,DVD's,CD's etc) would be hands off as well. To be fair Dad shouldn't have to pay anything for the SM's kids either if he choses not to. Those arn't his kids. He would also have no obligation.

I think step parents often feel used because they are expected to do more than they have to. They are expected to act like a mother in the sense of financial support (how DARE she buy something for her kids and not her step kids!), being a maid and a cook for the kid, hauling the kid around when convienient for the parents, babysitting when convienient for the parents, etc. etc. They are expected to do all these things with smiles on their faces but are commonly treated like "dad's wife" aka the hired help by SK's and BM.

Then when the SM finally has enough and gets bitter she is accused of being a twat because she is "not the kids mother" and should be happy and grateful for any crumbs of descency thrown in her direction.

It's not how they spli finances KKNY. SM has the better job and the better insurance 10 to none. She is being nice by putting those kids on her insurance. She flat out did not have to do that. That is TOTALLY the parent's responsibility. 10 f-ing dollars says if she tried to go to a DR.'s appt with these kids the BM would lay a golden F-ing egg but it's just fine for SM to flip the insurance bill.
Such a double edged sword.

I didn't call my SM or send a card. She didn't call me or send me a mother's day card either. Works fine for me.

Doodle,

You so hit the nail on the head with that last post. It truly is like that in many step situations. I don't know anyone who likes to feel used and discounted. If most people realized that they would end feeling and being in any parts of the situations you described, then I think there would be far fewer marriages that create a step family. Quite frankly it sucks for everyone involved when it gets to that point: the kid hates or is indifferent to the step parent; the step parent resents the kid; and the bio parent is stuck in the horrible position of the middle.

I feel like the reason that most step families fail is because there is always one person in the family who feel totally used and under appreciated.

Folks here will argue that a "real" parent doesn't need any validation. Horse sh*t. If J and the girls wouldn't have aknowledged me on Mother's Day my feelings would have been crushed. I am a Bio parent and a Step parent so I can speak for both parties.

Any moron will tell you relationships of any kind require give and take but that goes over the bridge in alot of step families. As the Step parent you are classified as a intruder. You weren't chosen by the BM or SK so all human feelings you may have automatically become irrelevant. All exspectations of common human decency are forfeited.

Like I said, these SP's in these situations are treated like hired help. Their sole existence is to wait hand and foot on hubby and all the kid's step and bio alike. They had better not dare favor bio kids to the SK's less they be burned at the stake but it is totally fair for the SK's to favor the BM.

I'm not saying that SK's should have to kiss the SP's ass. I am just saying that Bio parents and SK's should only expect what they dish out. It's only fair.

It works vice versa as well. If the SP is terrible to the SK then the SP shouldn't be holding their breath for any recognition.

It's the same thing.

Doodle,

I suspect everyone in some step relationships feels used.

As to SMs money being all hers -- who is paying for rent, mortgage food. Dads wife means being responsble for share of household -- and plenty of people in business make great money but have expensive insurance. My X had more expensive insurance than mine (becuase his firm didnt subsidize insurance of top people).

it doesn't matter whoes is more expensive kkny. if everyone cant take the highroad and be civil and treat everyone sa part of the unit(sk's included) then the sm shouldnt be expected to contribute anything to them. it's a two way street when you want to start getting technical.

the food i bought would damn sure be mine. i wouldnt let the sk's eat up all my diet food, yogurts, diet sodas, sun chips..etc. i would treat them all like room mates and nothing more. i would split all utilities and mortgage/rent evenly in half...unless the kids were adult sk's and then id split it among all who was living there old enough to be working unless the kid was in school full time. If the kid didn't work and lounged on his /her ass all day....dad could pay their share out of his earnings. I wouldnt do it.

They would stay out of my room, out of my bathroom and out of anything belonging to me. Don't even think about asking to borrow my car or any money. They shouldn't get offended or feelings shouldnt be hurt because afterall.....I wouldn't be their mother so they shouldn't expect anything right?

Do you see how harsh this sounds when coming from another side? ridiculous isn't it?

To me, a "real" relationship (no matter what kind, friend etc) is built on "real" communication. It always amazes me when people complain about lack of acknowledgement for whatever instead of just saying this is what it is, and roll with it. I doubt the other party cares if you stop doing whatever you are doing.

I did acknowledge my long time SM on Mothers day, otherwise the reprecussions would be far and wide. But it does come as an expense to me. The last time I talked to my mother was on Mothers day and then she died that night out of the blue. Mothers day is not a celebration for me, in fact it is quite depressing. I find it depressing even when I'm wished Mothers day. It is a very very hard day for me, I'm lucky to have other family and friends who recognize that and meet on our "real" relationship terms and respect me. It is amazing to me that I would be considered rude or disrespectful by complete strangers rather than I am a grown up with valid feelings and reasons for acting the way I do. If I don't wish you a Happy Mothers day, what would that really matter to you? I don't get it, you're not my mother lol. It's that simple to me.

Doodle -- you said you would split all in half. Trust me, there are SMs, SOs who DONT pay close to half. I know you support your family -- but there are other situations.

Nivea- I can say if the girls didn't tell me Happy Mother's day my feelings would of been very hurt. To each their own though. SOme peole can be cut and dry about it and other situations are more complex. Sometimes it isn't that simple.

KKNY- I know my situation is a little different. Actually it's ALOT different. I am the supporter so I would get really upset if all the sudden I was the one being treated like a family outsider. I don't thnk I could stick around if all I was viewed as was "dad's wife". The only thng that gives me strength to keep pushing is knowing the girls (all three of them) love and count on me.

Doodle, you're right -- your situation is to me at least one end of the continuum -- with teh EOW SM being the other. What is fair treatment for you does not translate as fair treatment to the other end of this. I know how hardwoking you are.

I'm a EOW SM kkny,,,what are you implying? That we dont pay half???? Excuse me! I split all the bills in our household with dh with the exception of the gas bill he has to pay for his 3 hour drive to get them EOW. Not my responsibility and i will never pay up unless he really short and needs the cash!!!!
As for other things, YES i feel damn used! i have paid for the last 7 years all the xmas presents and all the bday presents for my skids and this year i put my foot down aned told my dh put up the cash cause i have other things to save on the side from now on. To top it off , he would get the thanks for something i did and bought???? HELLLLLOOOOOOO... Not anymore.
I have to give him credit , he told his kids this year that it has been me all along for 7 years...did it go over well...nope...cause they took it as ..oh daddy didn't do it. I did get a hug from SD..dont get me wrong she does and has shown appreciation. This year, i got nothing for Mothers day and not a call. Was i hurt. Nope. Dont care. In fact , she avoiding coming the most recent weekend after the event. She does that when she feels guilty. But i know waht she is going through at home and i wont put her down at all for that.
She's having a tough time. And i wont add any further stress.
Money, is the business aspect and there should be no pleasure involved in it. Its a business transaction. Period. Make it fair and be done with it.
Others have their sk full time. That's another situation. You all have to split it in half.
When we go all out to an event, my dh split all in half together. He can't afford to pay for 2 kids and himself , while i pay for me and our son. And its just not fair for my husband in that scenario. The only thing i do not split is gas. That is our deal within ourselves.

Organic Maria, the work of a EOW SM is no where near what Doodle does.

OF COURSE IT'S NOT, KKNY! NO ONE HERE IS TRYING TO SAY IT IS!

The "continuum" in your book seems to have only 2 points--the most perfect, loving, dedicated bio mother in the world 24/7 in line for sainthood vs. that B*tch who is "dad's wife."

Just b/c a SM sees a SK EOW does not mean she deserves no recognition for that time she does devote to them in a mothering role.

No Molly, a continuum is by definition a range -- not two points. Sorry, I don't see an EOW same as a mom. And btw, if the skids are only there EOW, why isnt dad doing most of heavy liftin. I think any complaints of overwork/underappreciation should be lodged with him.

Organic, maybe your SD thinks you overrate what you do, and thought the best was just to avoid you over mothers day.

Just as some people think their SKs have a sense of entitlement, I think some SMs have a sense of entitlement -- we dont know the entire picture here. We only hear one side. I dont go around wondering about what I should have gottn for Mothers Day. I'm more concerned with being a mother than being recognized for it. And no, I dont equate that with sainthood. Anyone who enters motherheood looking for recognition is making a big mistake.

The problem comes in when trying to determine what exactly the level of "mothering" is when SM is noncustodial, sees kids EOW or less, has separate accounts, has "disengaged" and has no children of her own. Any/all of these factors can make all the difference in the world as to how appropriate it is to expect an SK to regard her as "mothering". What's more, there are some SM's (mine was one) who not only separate their own finances but do it to the extreme of not even chipping in for the household bills they share with the DH/Dad or doing one lick of housework. So they REALLY aren't doing jacksh*t that could be in any stretch of the imagination called "mothering" or even supporting the Dad ***in his role as father***. This sort of woman may provide support to her husband in other ways (sexual, laughing at his jokes, companionship), but it has nothing to do with his role as a father. Therefore she does nothing that has anything to do with "mothering". I realize that is an extreme, and most SM's ---even EOW ones--- do more of *something* related to supporting the stepfamily or its household than my SM. And to be fair, my SM never complained about not getting a Mother's Day card. At least not that I ever heard. Maybe she did once she & my Dad got married, as she seemed to expect that the new official title in itself would automatically create a situation wherein she was automatically worthy of a lot more esteem and respect. Which was probably based on her assumption that the reason I didn't respect her was simply that she wasn't my Dad's official "Mrs." when the reason I didn't respect her was because of her callousness, pouty tantrums and passive-aggressiveness. But I never heard any complaints from her or my Dad about her not getting a Mother's Day card from me. And again, to be fair, she didn't seem to have any issue about that because she definitely was not guilty of trying to replace my mom! Probably because she feared the word "mother" in any form would make her look older, but the net effect is at least that was one guilt trip I didn't have to deal with.

Doodle's situation, as has been mentioned, is completely different than what KK is pointing out and the extreme I'm describing. Doodle's SDs live with her and their mother is a tragically unfit and absent mother (not that she isn't still technically their mother, but the actual role of "mothering" is most definitely and primarily Doodle's). She has definitely not "disengaged". To boot, Doodle is also a mother to her own BD.

I do agree that if a stepmom makes regular and good-natured efforts on her own to do "mothering" things for her step-kids, then she should be acknowledged for it, and if everyone is comfortable with a formal holiday occasion to do it, great. If not, then in some other way that shows the acknowledgement. But I do think that this is primarily the Dad's responsibility to instill, not a kid's to come up with randomly in the face of so much role confusion and already having a Mom. And if the kids express some discomfort over being torn over "Mother's Day" proper because they already have a Mom, then their parents and step-parents should be flexible about that and either come up with a separate "Stepmother's Day" or recognize other ways and occasions that the SK's show their appreciation for having a nice stepmom.

KKNY, because I put the word "continuum" in quotes and stated that your idea of that word involves only two points, I obviously know the definition of that word and am pointing out the contradiction in your saying there is a continuum when you really only see things as two extremes. Your reply, "Sorry, I don't see an EOW same as a mom" proves my point!

"And btw, if the skids are only there EOW, why isnt dad doing most of heavy liftin."

As for this question, I've explained ad nauseum in previous posts how my DH is and has always been a devoted hands on father to DSSs and to our 2 DSs. DH and I are both active participants in our household, which applies to all children, step or not, when they are here. But in our house, there are definitely roles that I take and roles that DH takes. For example, my DH does not cook (unless we're grilling.) I cook all indoor meals, and DH cleans up afterwards. I also do all grocery shopping and DH carries in the bags. As the "head cook" and "shopper," I have always taken care to buy and prepare foods that I know my DSSs enjoy and have made sure to get special snacks/drinks around that they like. I also serve them their meals and fill their drink glasses. I ask when they get up if they are hungry and what they want to eat. For many, many years, I have baked cookies and sought them out to lick the beaters and the bowl, just like my DS 8 does now. Another example is Christmas. I love picking out gifts and especially stuffing stockings tailored to each child. I buy DH and all our boys a special ornament each year in something that represents their interests that year. My DSSs have many more ornaments on the tree than DSs. And each year everyone enjoys looking at the ornaments from previous years. This does not put me in line for "sainthood," but it is just a few examples of the many, many little things over the HUNDREDS of weekends I have spent with them the past 10 years that I have done.
Being a BM myself, in NO WAY would I say the time I've spent with my SKs can compare to the time a BM spends. But I have definitely been "like a mother" on many occasions for an extended period.

That's all I'm saying!

I think Serenity puts it best -- that it is wrong to pressure kids to treat a SM, even if "like a mother" as a mother. Yes, SMs frequently have power in a household and can pressue kids to do things. That may be why Organics Skid avoided her around Mothers day.

Some SMs complain that adult skids ignore them, etc. Well if you use your power to demand that you get Mothers day cards -- its not unlikely that they will resent that.

If SMs think they are teaching manners, by demanding that they get Mothers day card, they are, IMHO, missing the point. They are teaching that whomever has power rules.

HAHAHHAHAH KKNY. I have never overrated anything in my entire life. I expect absolutely NOTHING from my stepkids and this is the main reason why i do not get hurt feelings wise. If they disrespect me its because they've been raised the wrong way period. FROM A LOSER DRUGGIE BM. And i do complain to my dh that he doesn't pull his load,
Psychologically i fully understand now why he doesn't. He feels he is nothign but a money bank for his kids and exwife. He feels unappreciated for sweating everyday and taking care of them financial. YES HE IS TAKING CARE OF THEM FINANCIALLY BECAUSE MOMMY DOENS'T WORK. SOOOO...who's the loser here?? eh...
Thanks Molly
No, not all bm are perfect. Look at doodles case. You think the BM in that situation deserves her kids??? or how about LH situation. A drunken fool of a BM at the door ready to drive away with her son drunk to high heaven!!!!
KKNY you have such a vendetta against SM its becoming ridiculous!
SD avoids due to GUILT and i personally know this. She does it at every special occasion throughout the year! So dont assume. You've made an *ss of yourself. ONce again.
ANd the work done by EOW stepmom's vary as well. They may come 3 days every second week that doesn't mean WE as stepmom's do not cook for them, clean for them, help them with homework and have a shoulder for them to cry on or an ear to lend. Especially if in some cases Dad doesnt' do it. What are you suppose to say to the kids, 'oh sorry, i'm not your mother, go to your dad'
Get a dose of real reality here KKNY and stop degrading another human being because they have the title SM. I'm also a stepchild. And a biomom myself. We all on this forum have many titles BUT we are human and act human.
Its only kind to acknowlegde someone regardless if they are not your own mother. ANYONE..if you can't do that , then its just plain stupid.
No here demands, but the thought would have been nice.
p.s my sd has acknowledged me in the past and phoned and have cards. :)
ITs called being a teen and she is in her ME phase. I dont take that personal...lol...
So go stick your SM hatred where ....blah..blah..blah....
Let me guess, did you encourage your daughter to have a good relationship with her SM....or did you encourage her to hate her and your ex??? What type of BM are you? a bitter one? i'm sure you are and i am sure you are a good mother. That i'm not denying. I know we all care for our kids.
Just stop this BS about SM. We are not all monsters. Just like BM's are not all monsters either.

Doodle, that's exactly what I was saying but from a stepkid point of view. It's not cut and dry, I actually have reasons why I don't want to acknowledge my stepmom on mothers day. I am sure most people have their reasons for not acknowledging and I don't know how perfect strangers could tell anything about that particular stepchild other than they must not feel like the stepmom in question was in a mother role to them. It's just not that simple.

I have to acknowledge my stepmother or in the past I couldn't have a relationship with my father and now I couldn't have one with her children, my siblings. But I can't figure out how a fake acknowledgement is better than no acknowledgement at all. She and I know that it means nothing, but it is some sort of fake ritual where she gets to tell people she raised me and I sent a Mothers day card. Weird imo.

I'd rather have someone met me on real relationship terms, i don't care if that means we both acknowledge we don't like each other lol. it's better than being fake.

I get why you would be hurt Doodle, you really have stepped in and have gone above and beyond imo. My stepmother was not in the least nurturing, caring, compassionate. She had moments which were nice of her, but it always came after a particularly bad incident. The bad far outweighs any good there was and as a human being it's my right to determine who is important/good to me and who is not.

And KKNY is right, that kind of emotional blackmail is extremely resented in my situation. If she ever were to truly want a "real" relationship (which I don't think she does, I think she wants to be able to say we have a nice relationship and "proof" in the form of mother day cards) then this kind of stuff is exactly what stands in the way.

Where I said in my above post that it's primarily the Dad's responsibility to instill the acknowledgement of SM's role (be it thru Mother's day or some other means)... I just mean it's up to him to SET A PATTERN and/or show by example INITIALLY and while kids are young that it's nice to show your appreciation because everyone likes to be recognized and appreciated. I don't mean that it's the Dad's responsibility to KEEP TAKING THE LEAD on this, especially after kids have reached a certain age. Just that it seems a recipe for misunderstandings and hurt feelings to expect that a kid will automatically start doing it on his/her own. At least in that more formal, social graces way that an established holiday represents.

If the kids are older than a certain age when the SM comes along, I'd think it's kind of a moot point because presumably if they are old enough to be expected to be that gracious and self-starting about a formal acknowledgement of the stepmother, they are past the point of needing any "mothering" by her anyway. Unless, of course, SM does something for them that is specifically "mothering" (and not just a favor any friend would do or basic hospitality any aunt would do). Then some acknowledgement of that is the right thing to do, but again where it gets tricky is that SM may see a particular action as "motherly" that the SK sees as **a nice thing to do** but not necessarily "motherly". Just a few examples (and note that unfortunately some bio-moms can fail to live up to the "mother" standards and some step-moms can exceed them):

-SM cooking meals for SK: MOTHERLY if REGULAR; FRIEND- or AUNT- LIKE if once in a blue moon
-SM having SK on their insurance: MOTHERLY
-SM having girl-to-girl chats with SD about boys, periods, birth-control, etc.: FRIEND- or AUNT- LIKE as-is; MOTHERLY if she takes SD to Planned Parenthood
-SM answering the phone at 2:00 a.m. when SD calls crying hysterically because she's been dumped and listening to her boo-hoo for two hours: MOTHERLY
-SM ignoring the Caller ID in above situation and being irked with DH for "caving to the drama": NOT MOTHERLY
-SM picking up SK from dentist appt. with nitrous: FRIEND- or AUNT- LIKE; MOTHERLY if SM paid the bill
-SM recognizing that an SK may need some additional guidance, nurturing or psychological help to deal with his/her problems and actively seeking it: MOTHERLY
-SM seeing an SK as in need of psychological evaluation to prove how rotten s/he is: NOT MOTHERLY
-SM regularly helping SK with homework: MOTHERLY
-SM admiring and encouraging SKs' accomplishments, honors, talents and abilities: FRIEND-LIKE, AUNT-LIKE and MOTHERLY if she brags about SKs to her friends
-SM dreading ceremonies honoring SKs b/c they cut into "couple time": NOT MOTHERLY
-SM using own earnings from own job to chip in towards SKs' college: MOTHERLY
-SM simply being married to a man who uses his own earnings from his own job to pay for SKs' college and refraining from b!tching about it: NICE, but not motherly in itself
-SM cleaning house nice and decorating before SKs arrive for Christmas visit: FRIEND-LIKE, AUNT-LIKE and/or GRACIOUS HOSTESS-LIKE but not motherly in itself
-SM cleaning up SKs' messes while they're there: MOTHERLY... or at least MORE GRACIOUS HOSTESS-LIKE than I'd be...
-SM giving SKs Christmas gifts: FRIEND-LIKE, AUNT-LIKE and a very nice thing to do
-SM happily looking after SGK's: GrandMOTHERLY
-SM showing SD how to diaper and undiaper the baby: GRANDMOTHERLY with an emphasis on the GRAND!

Organic, I have always encouraged my D to have a good relationship with her Dad. Why should I encourage her to have a good relation with Dads SO? We dont know why your skid sent you a card -- we dont know if genuine feeling or emotional blackmail.

There has been some interesting posts since I last looked.
I personally think it is good to instill in children to be kind and acknowledge all who help them in some way throughout their life. I am not saying they need to spend money on this person. Just a kind word of thanks is a nice acknowledgement. What you do to others will be returned to you in the same way. What does a call or a note hurt anyone to perform?
My title is "stepmom" that is what I am legally called. It has the word "mom" in it. I have done many of the above so called "Motherly" acts mentioned above and many many more that are not mentioned. All I can say is I do not see my SKs as being instilled with proper manners. I see tham as rude and inconsiderate of me.
I know they know better because whenever SD's cousins (and not very close cousins) have babies she sends them a card of congradulations. If they graduate she sends a card. She has never once sent me a card or called me for anything. I see it as rude and inconsiderate and this just shows me where she places me. The same goes for SS.
To be honest I do not care anymore. It means I do not have to do anything for my SKs if I do not feel like. I acknowledge them just as they acknowledge me, with a nothing.
It is interesting how different people look at a stepmom. Very interesting.

Sunny--

It is a shame that you feel unappreciated by your SKs. I would ask if they show appreciation to you in other ways besides a Mother's Day card, but it sounds like the answer is probably no. The only other things I could suggest would be:

-discuss it with your husband. I don't mean blame him entirely for the situation, but just discuss it with him. Not only to tell him how you're feeling and what you'd like to see happen but to get his take on the situation and what he thinks would be the best way to improve the situation from this point forward.

-discuss it with the SK's. It doesn't have to be a big lecture or guilt trip (though it can be if you want... can't vouch for how effective that would be but it's your choice)... just be honest with them about the fact that it hurts your feelings and you thought you all were closer than that. Tell them you don't understand why they acknowledge other people for things but not you. You have every right to share your feelings about this with them and ask for an answer. In fact, I think it would solve a lot of stepfamily problems if more step-parents were more direct and honest about their feelings to the SKs themselves. That way they'll see you more as a human being who wants to work *with* them, and it gives them a chance to actually solve the problem. If they never know it's a problem, it feels terribly unfair to then be silently and confusingly penalized or judged for it, more like you're *against* them. If you tell them it's a problem or make a request that they then refuse to honor, then they don't have the excuse that they didn't know what you wanted. They may have their reasons for refusing, and those reasons may be valid, and you might even see their point... But they will at least have to consider the situation and their actions more clearly.

I had this girl night out recently and all of us have kids in their 20s. So this lady said that neither her DH nor her DS do anything for her on mother's day. Nothing. Not even a flower or a card.

I don't know her DS that well. But My DD went to school wiht her DS and she says he is not nice and was rather mean to classmates, espcially girls (I trust DD's jusdgement, she is always very accurate). Her DH is also not a pleasant person, he put her down in front of us many times. Maybe that's why they do nothing for her. They are just mean.

Maybe your SKs are just mean.

On the other hand I would expect something for Birthday and Christmas (or similar holiday) but not mother's day unless you raised them as a mother.

I do want to clarify that my SKs have never acknowledged my birthday in anyway. They have been around when my birthday was and never even said "Happy Birthday."
They acknowledged me 1 Christmas because they gave a bottle of wine to their Dad and I. That was the only time may name was on a card. I have always acknowledged their birthdays, Christmas, graduations. Before DH and I were married I gave them separate moneys and gifts. When DH and I married we started to combine our gifts.
They never thanked me, just DH. It is sooo very insulting.
finedreams maybe they are just mean. I have always felt they are very self centered, me, me, me kind of people, and inconsiderate of others. They often act as if they are better than others.
So I no longer (last 2 years) mention to husband we need to get the kids something. I just let it go. He usually gets something and signs my name on the card. I really don't care if he does or not. Because not matter what, I will not get acknowledged.

It is interesting, Fine Dreams, that you write you wouldn't expect something for Mothers Day but you might expect some recognition at Christmas or for your birthday.

I have been reading this thread and not responded...just didn't have much to contribute, really.

DH's children were all 18y/o+ when we first started seeing each other; I had no part whatsoever in raising them and have never expected any recognition from them at Mother's Day. They have a mom, and I hope and expect they treat her well on that day and every day.

That said, DH's children have never been great about acknowledging me at either Christmas or my birthday. Even though DH & I have been together for nearly 14+ years now, if you asked, I doubt either of his two oldest could even tell you when my birthday is (it is always within a couple of days of Mother's Day); for the past few years, SD has been pretty good about my birthday, getting me a thoughtful gift and a card from her & step-granddaughter. For whatever reason, there was nothing this year...no card; no gift; not even a telephone call. When Mother's Day rolled around a few days later, she & step-granddaughter came over to our place. We fixed her favorite meal and gave her a gift --- a recent photo of her and SGD in a frame I picked out, accompanied by a card also chosen by me. She told her BF (whom she has just started dating and who accompanied her to our place) that "Wry always has something special for me for Mother's Day." It has become something of a tradition for me to do this for DH's kids. Throughout the year, when his children are visiting us or he is visiting them, I will review the pictures we take during those visits and play around with them (cropping and other editing) and then matte and frame them as gifts. I know SD seems to appreciate the effort on my part. I wouldn't know so much about the experience of the other two because on these occasions (usually Christmas or their birthday), the telephone calls are between DH and his kids. If they verbalize any reaction/response to the gift, it is relayed by DH to me...they have never asked to speak to me directly to express any appreciation. One son & his wife usually send some sort of generic "thank you for the gifts" note; but no specific mention is made of the gift that they know has come from me...they know it has come from me because DH has told them I put in the time and effort to create the gift. At Christmas, the one son & his wife send small gifts addressed to both DH & I; when opened, it is clear the gifts were meant for DH. The other son & daughter-in-law will send a token gift that often leaves me wondering who the gift is for...because it is usually nothing I would ever remotely choose for myself. It is simply indicative of how little they know me; how little interest they have had and continue to have in getting to know me...even after nearly 14 years.

I used to put a great deal of effort into thinking about gifts for his kids; now, I know I am going to work on the photo gift. I enjoy the process of searching through photos DH & I have taken when we've been together with his children, finding a special shot, playing with it, finding just the right matte, and a frame that complements the photo. I hope they like the end product. Regardless, I enjoyed making it...and whether or not they acknowledge my effort says more about them than it does about me.

Up until about two years ago, I really went out of my way, trying to find just the right gift; I put a lot of emotional energy into the process...hoping to break through the emotional barriers erected by them. I grew up in an alcoholic household...the Substance Abuse/Chemical Dependency folks would call my efforts "co-dependent;" it took me a decade of trying with his children before it finally hit me that no matter what I did, they are not interested in a personal relationship with me...as someone else wrote earlier in this thread, to them I am "Dad's wife." From their perspective, my relationship is with their father, not them. He chose me; they did not. They were "raised right" by their parents, so they are polite and civil when in my presence. Other than that, I have no role in their lives, so no personal recognition period. No acknowledgment of my birthday --- that is personal. A token gift at Christmas because I am "Dad's wife" --- that's polite and civil.
I feel dismayed by the distance. I wish it was not so. It is why I am sad SD & SGD are moving away, because there had been some breakthroughs in my relationship with SD because of I how I am with SGD. That will fade away when she moves.
It is what it is, I guess...I seriously doubt DH's kids give it any thought.

wry and sunny I don't think it is step isssue. i think it is just overall some people are not considerate or attentive, maybe they were brought up this way. They might be civil like in wry's situation but still something must be missing there. I say "happy birthday" to a colleague.

i am not a stepmother, but I am in a relationship with a man who has grown daughters 20 and 27. We do exchange gifts on Christmas. They acknowledge my birthday as i acknowledge theirs. I think I would be feel weird if they would know it is my birthday and then walk by me saying nothing. And I am not even married to their dad and don't know them long enough. Also if his DDs know something is from me they personally call or email saying "thank you". I sometimes complain about them here but I can't say they build a distance or are that inconsiderate.

It must be very hurtful, sunny and wry, after that many years to be ignored like that.

just to add that sometimes maybe some people are just this way: don't give a damn about gifts. my brother is a good person, not mean, but he barelly remembers anyone's birthday (yes on few occassions he forgot my or my DD's birthdays) and always gets terrible awful gifts to me (while i give thoughtful and nice gifts to him). it is always something useless or irrelevant or bought the last minute like he doesn't even know me. It used to hurt but I gave up. I certainly know he loves me. That's just how he is. So i let it go.

When I was growing up, adults never recd presents, only kids. My brother now doesnt remember bdays -- I dont get upset. We all love each other.

Wry...I think I have said this before to you. If I could pick a SM, I would choose you. I would happily acknowledge a SM like you on Mother's Day, Birthday, Christmas and every other day that we saw one another. I love giving and receiving gifts that are so personal and I think it is lovely that you do those things for them. I'm still looking forward to that Mojito by the way.

I do acknowledge my SM on those occasions now, but my heart is really not in it. Nivea explained the feelings about it pretty well, as did Serenity. If I had a SM like you or Doodle, I know that I would feel differently.

Kkny, my SS came after mothers day holiday. Its only my Sd who didn't. She's the teen right now with teen issues. She has givne me things in the past and she has acknowlegde. No i never demanded anything from her. Only respect as a human being in our household.
Serenity. Both my kids are on my insurance. For everything. So why does't mom step up to the plate there?????
I also helped them with homework until mom put a stop to it.

Sunnygarden, ithink you just have stepadults who are just mean and selfcentered. Dont expect things from people with that stature.

Long thread.
Interesting though.
Sunny, Your skids seem to have been for the most part grown when you came into the picture. Probably part of the reason why they don't see it necessary to gift you on Mothers day, the other part probably just boils down to piss poor morals and common decency. IMO. :)
The reason I say that is because, obviously your coworkers view you as a step mother to them, and they are not directly involved in the situation, but obviously have known you for quite some time and know you well enough to view you in the "mother role" to your skids. So you must have mentioned them a time or two.
Hell, if coworkers ask about your mothers day, you would dang sure think that some skids would think about you on that day. But again, lack of common sense and decency tend to make people behave in odd ways.

Wild thing, I doubt Sunny's co-workers have any first hand knowledge of Sunny and the stepchildrens relationship. Just as we dont. What I suspect is Sunny comes in and tells how much she did for the kids. As she views it. As to the insurance, we dont know the details of the financial relationship. Doodle -- I know you bet that Sunny has the better job -- but where I work, in fianancial services, many of the very top people do not get subsideized insurance -- but get paid a lot. Same for entrepeneurs and self employed. I think Ima is on her DHs insurance.

kkny...that was my whole point.......the coworkers don't live with them obviously or know the whole situation, but they obviously know enough to know that she has skids and to view her as a stepmom and ask how her mothers day went. Following so far?? OR should I get the crayons out???

Wild thing, please stop with the insults.

What I am saying is that we really dont know the extent of Sunny's relationship -- OTHER THAN WHAY SUNNY SAYS. The reality may be different. Do you not understand that some people overestimate their own contributions?

Fact is, if I were to remarry, it wouldnt cost any more for me to put steps on my insurnce if I had spouse, the only choices I have is single v. family.

Kkny...would you please stop policing my posts.

I gave an opinion. you misinterpreted it. I asked if you needed a better picture drawn for clarity...used other words but essentially that is what I asked you.

Do you not understand that some skids are just rude and obnoxious?

You think the only thing she has done for these kids is put them on her insurance?? Because I sure read that she has done more than that, and pointed out that even her co workers think of her as a stepmother, so why wouldn't her skids? That was my point.
Plus, OP never said she was crushed that her skids didn't do anything just wondered if anyone felt the way her coworkers did and found it odd that they didn't.

Sunny, with your last post I'm guessing it's less about Mother's day acknowledgement but just acknowledgement in general. Your SK's sound pretty oblivious.

Do you know what their Dad did for holidays, birthdays etc before you came along? Most people follow what they know, so if there wasn't a big to do, maybe they just don't know any better or just inconsiderate.

My grandfather never acknowledged my birthday, as a youngster or grown up. When he remarried two years ago I started getting birthday cards with money and phone calls from him on my birthday, lol Before then it never even occured to me why he didn't acknowledge my bday, that's just the way it was for us. I didnt acknowledge his, and he didn't mine. And there was no hurt feelings, that was just our thing.

And our family overall is similar to what KKNY said, we don't really do gifts and parties for grown ups. Holidays are generally focused on the children.

Yes, WT, some people, SMs or Stepchildren, can be rude.

The point is we don't WHY Sunny's co-workers asked about mothers day. Is it that they make a big deal of it (not many in my office do, certainly not as to step relationships, if known) -- or is that Sunny is always making a big deal of what she does for her kids, to the extent that co-workers thing the stepchildren are her entire life (when to an unbiased outsider, that may or may not be the case).

Sunny has acknowledged SSs Birthdays, Grads, and Christmas...Even if they dont consider her a mother, what about a little reciprosity on their parts to acknowledge her on her special days and holidays... If I had a friend for whom I bought Christmas gifts, Birthday gifts or sent cards to, and they never responded back to me, I doubt they d be my friend much longer..Sunny , you certainly are entitled to feel hurt. Friend, Aunt, Dads wife,whatever they may consider you, to be ignored is sending the message, that you just dont matter to them..And that is cruel, especially since it sounds like you ve been so good to them....

ANd dont forget BM's can be rude.....and sometimes malicious.

everyone can be rude or malicious or both and more if they want to be. Depends on a lot of factors....how you were raised, your own personal standards, how you feel about a person, the mood your in, the time of year, the time of month, the time of day, whether your big toe hurts.....geez...

Yes, and add to the list, whether you are stressed about money, whether you are stressed re family stuff.

Well, I want you to say a big thank you to all "Mothers" who have a heart and truely understand my situation. I am not making up anything I have said.
My co-workers know I have SKs. I do not talk about them alot but they are aware I have SKs. Theya asked me about my Mothers Day as we were all talking about our weekend. I think it is pretty normaL to do so.
Kkny do you not have any friends at work or do you not work?
I do not need to justify anything to you kkny, but DH and SS do not have any insurance so I have been kind enough to put them on mine. I also had Sd on until she was to old and the insurance company would not except her any longer.
No it is not part of our financial arrangement. I do make more then DH and have alot better financial status then him. As I said I have no children of my own. I have worked hard all my life, well educated and have a very respected type of employment.
Thanks again for all all the comments and for those of you who are people who do not try to twist things to make others look bad.

I do agree with many of you that some people are just mean, rude, inconsiderate and self centered. I plan to leave it at that and that is how I will remember my SKs.
By them treating me the way they have gives me the OK to treat them the same. But, because of my nature I will not be able to do as they do to me. However, I plan to step back and not do as much.

Yes, I have friends at work. Most of my peers happen to be men, if that matters.