Ummm, hmm that is just bizarre. Can you take her to her mothers and leave her there until the beetle situation is resolved.

Why did your DH let this continue? Good grief. Sounds like acting out to me, I would have had to leave also. Now thinking back to my growing up yr.s if I or my S-sisters and behaved in such a way my mother would have slapped a trap on the table in front of us & said "go for it!"

I know, i know, bad momma, can't do that sort of thing nowadays.. Maybe a psych eval isn't a bad idea though it smacks of attention seeking behavior to me.

Good Grief!

If the little girl is that disturbed, then definitely - to the shrink with her.
(And while you're at it, you'd better get rid of all of the knives, belts, heavy metal objects, high places, glass windows, medicines and cleaning products of all kinds...)

If she's just that manipulative, then some discipline strategies and NON-reactions (hide the traps where she won't see them?) are more appropriate.

But I'd also call the carpet company, because getting rid of these bugs should be THEIR problem as well as yours.

Sounds like sd wants mom and dads attention and will get it somehow. If it were me I would be tempted to hand her a trap and say here you go...have fun with it! I am assuming it is similar to a mouse trap and will just pinch your finger??

One of my sisters was prone to phases and attention seeking behavior. Everything that troubled kids seemed to do she would copy. Last phase was her crying to my dad that she cuts herself because she is so unhappy with her life and it makes her feel in control. He knew it was an attention seeking thing again. So he asked to see her cuts and they were little cuts on her leg. He told her that next time she was really serious about hurting herself to let him know and he would give her a sharper knife and show her where to cut for some real pain! She was shocked and that ended her cutting phase!

But really Sweeby had good ideas.

it sounds crazy but...i wouldn't joke with threats of suicide even the stupid ones. you never know. bizzare things happen. better be safe than sorry. threats of suicide are cries for attention, but it does not mean we should just ignore it. i would ask a pediatrician.

Your probably right finedreams. My sister was just being ridiculous at that point. She had gone through telling my family she liked girls, to dressing in all black, to getting piercings on her face, to cutting. It was just stupid at that point. She just likes to be the center of attention. But I agree that bizzare things can happen. But the beetle traps and killing herself with them? I mean really?? I do not think that is even possible, is it??

We bought the carpet at home depot... hubby installed it.

I think hubby was trying to ignore it but wasn't doing a very good of it ... he just kept handing the phone back to SD. I would have hung it up but thats me.

Its a glue trap ... it would only stick to her if she actually got a hold of it .... maybe I should just give it to her ...

She's been seeing a therapist for 3 years ... just switched to a new one 6 months ago .. but she took another job so right now no therapist ... mom always seems to pick out therapists who give "presents/gifts" at each visit so SD likes the getting stuff so she likes the therapist.

I know its all attention same thing Sunday night wanted attention for a sore throat hubby gave her tylenol and sent her to bed she got on the phone with mom complaining about how daddy isn't "fixing her sore throat" She was on the phone till 10pm with mom... Got up for school at 8:05 we leave at 8:12 didn't have breakfast again ... Went to the school nurse yesterday for sore throat and belly ache because she didn't eat breakfast.

IT GETS BETTER:

I just got off the phone with the school nurse seems SD9 has a sore throat from the "chemicals" we are using to get rid of the beetles in the house!!!!! I told the school nurse to call mom she would know what to do ... :).

back to topic:

We have been dealing with "death thoughts" from the children for a long time ... apparently when mommy didn't get her way years ago ... she would say things like "I should just kill myself" and "I'd be better off dead" ... so SS12 would say it constantly anytime he got in trouble those were his first words ... that ended with him about a year ago ... after I had had it for the last time and told him if he says it again I would take him to the crisis center (they had a presentation at school about the crisis center so he knew what it was) because its not normal for an 11 yr old to want to commit suicide so there must be something really wrong with him and he needs to be evaluated maybe placed in a psychiatric ward for a few months till the doctors figure out what is wrong with him ... 3 days later I took him to the doctors and told the doctor what he was saying his doctor said "if he continues to repeat that statement do not hesitate to call the crisis center and have them intervene and remove him to a safe environment" he never uttered those words again.

It's been a long time since I was 9 (LOL!) but I don't ever recall entertaining any ideas about suicide. I don't think I even knew what suicide meant at that age... Is this typical behavior for a 9 year old girl?

And I agree 100% with Sweeby - I'd call the carpet company and let them know they have two options, (1) replace the carpet FOR FREE or (2) you go public about their carpet infestations!! Companies usually prefer to avoid bad press...

What is she doing with access to the phone at 10:30 pm? I'm all for being able to call the other parent, but there has to be some boundaries in the house. Shame on mom for entertaining the 'crisis' and fueling the fire by calling dad. But shame on dad for not taking the phone away after the first call and the traps were removed from her room.

Either she's very manipulative and her parents are eating it up, or she's really disturbed and should talk to someone professional. Anytime someone says they want to kill themselves, it should not be ignored. I don't think giving it that sort of attention when it's about non toxic bug traps at 10:30 at night is appropriate. I'd have told her:

"If you feel like killing yourself, we are going to take you to a counselor in the morning but the bug traps are not going to harm you and it's past your bedtime. We'll deal with this tomorrow. No, you can't call your mom right now, she's probably asleep. You can call her in the morning. Good night."

Then in the morning, ask her if she still feels like killing herself. Now, if she is threatening to drink drano, that is a crisis that can't wait til morning. Did he ask her why she wants to kill herself?

I tried to stay out of it I didn't want to ask her why ... it would have been more attention from me is how I was looking at it ..... this morning getting on the bus wiping tears from her face so the mom's at the bus asked what's wrong with her...

Phone access at 10 pm don't know guess I would have to ask mom and dad that question my stomach was in knots at that point because it was going into hour 4 of this...

I did put a lock on the "cleaners cabinet" last night while she was laying on the kitchen floor on the phone with mom saying she feels she "needs" to touch the trap.... I couldn't roll my eyes anymore I was getting dizzy....

Mom thinks its a joke, dad doesn't want to deal with mom or the attention seeker... I just sit and shake my head till I can't take anymore then I walk out. Let them deal with what they are raising.

This is absolutely bizarre. I have no idea what to do about any of it, but just thought I'd offer that A__ sometimes says things like "I wish I were dead because it would be better than this torture" when he has to pick up his toys or bathe or do chores. He's quite the little drama queen though, so we aren't concerned about that sort of comment.
If he said things like that when he wasn't being "tortured" we'd probably be pretty alarmed though.
Have you explained to her that the traps kill the bugs because they get stuck to them and can't walk around anymore, but since she is larger than the trap, if she happened to get stuck to it, she could just walk to the sink and wash the glue off, so because of weight ratios, there is no possibility that these traps could kill her and therefore no need to worry about them?

Oh lord. There is no way I would have been able to stay out of it especially going on four hours plus of that nonsense. Yes, if that is something that mom said in the past and bro said in the past it is all about attention. I wouldnt have taken the traps out of the room and there probably wouldnt have been a second phone call. I probably would have told her something to the extent of well if you feel the need to touch the traps I will feel the need to bust your butt for ignoring me. (Which I am sure people will have a problem with me saying but oh well)Ofcourse DH would have snapped after about 10 minutes of it much less four hours... plus moving onto the next day!! Oh good grief this child knows her game and plays it for all its worth... Chemicals giving her a sore throat ... oh the non existant chemicals ... that's right. That is about the time I would have had her on the phone telling her I dont want to hear another word about this nonsense and she better get her butt back to class and do her work...otherwise I would be at the school and if I have to come all the way to the school it will be a very embarassing situation for her... Nothing irkes me more than grown adults allowing a child to play manipulate and dictate to them ...

I'm with mom or 4 here, the more I read the more I think I would drop her at her mothers or tell your DH make it stop-Now!!

That is riduculous, I feel your frustration :0(

Its festering with me at this point mom called me about it .. wanting to know what to do about it.... I said well ... after 5 minutes of being on the phone with her you didn't realize she was doing this for attention then I don't know how you should fix it its not my problem. I don't care if the bugs get 3 feet high in her room I will not spray any chemical or buy any traps for them they can invite their friends over and make huge nests in her room for all I care .... if you and hubby want to coddle this behavior keep me out of it ...

Maybe she shouldn't use lotion or shower because the "chemicals" in soap and lotions could give her a sore throat. Going to make her throw out the make up you gave her it has chemicals in it ...

Told mom I was going to feed into her anxiety and she could deal with the aftermath and phone calls... mom said you are being a little ridiculous I said yes I am but so are you and hubby and now the school nurse coddling this behavior and I will not do anything to stop it I will help promote as long as you both keep justifying her actions.

Isn't there anything GOOD she does that she can get attention for?
Because it sounds like attention is what she wants and that she wants it desparately. (Desparately enough to act ridiculous to get it.)

What about taking the opposite tack? (I'm deliberately aiming below her developmental level here, and am suggesting you do that too since she seems to want babying.)

"We know you're very worried about the traps for the little buggies but we have to get rid of them before they grow in the carpet and go from being a small problem into a big problem. So we're going to set out these glue traps to catch the bugs and then they'll all be gone and you won't have to worry about them anymore. Do you want me to show you how the glue traps work? They don't have any dangerous chemicals in them so they're safe for you." (Let her hold them, touch them with a finger tip, smell them, etc. Show her the box where they say how safe they are. It'll get old pretty quickly because they're not that interesting.) Then do the whole "I know it makes you nervous to have them in your room, but I need you to be a brave big girl and leave them out for a few days so we can get rid of the bug problem. If you can leave them there for a few days and be brave about it, you can earn a reward for you on Sunday night."

Then come up with something small but motivating, and give her positive attention for "being brave" (acting normal) every few hours until she forgets.
Really, I'm just suggesting that you reinforce the GOOD stuff rather than the bad stuff. I'd go over the plan with BioMom and Dad so they're on the same page, because if SD gets more attention for her 'fears' than for her 'bravery' then it won't stand a chance...

Well we had a distraction ... when I got home from work I picked up the mail she had a letter from her penpal.

SD's friend moved 2 years ago, she was having trouble with reading and writing so we started a penpal project her friend lives in south carolina they write each other every so often it was more frequent when the little girl first moved but now they exchange letters every other month or so ... so reading her letter from her friend kept her distracted then responding to her .... before we knew it was bedtime ... she apologized for "acting like that last night" I said SD if you want to hang out with me and/or dad and do stuff all you have to do is ask instead of hiding in your room and making up stuff to get daddy or me to talk to you ... when you call mommy about dumb stuff it makes her worry then she gets me and daddy worried ... because none of us are in your head we don't know what you are thinking and can't help you if we don't know whats going on.

I asked her do you tell your counselor all the stuff you worry about? no she might tell someone if she tells someone its only to help you not hurt you... I said so you have been seeing this person every two weeks and she has no idea who you are? She doesn't know you are a worrier? no I only talk about how much I miss my mom when I am with daddy and how much I miss my dad when I am with my mom. I said well you need to tell her what really worries you so you can figure out with her what to do about it.

She called me a "liar" because I told her not to play with it it would make her sick I lied. I said its not a toy you shouldn't be playing with it figured if I said it would make you sick you would stay away from it not worry that your voices in your head would "make you want to touch it" and "make you find it in the house and play with it".

I asked her .... do you really want to harm yourself? her response ... my mind tells me to do things to hurt myself. ... well here's the bad part too bad tired of it already.... I said ... if you keep saying you want to harm yourself even if you say your mind said to harm yourself I will have to take you to the hospital and have a doctor make sure you are ok to be at home with your family if the doctor says no then you will have to stay at the hospital until they can figure out what is wrong with you... is that what you want? NO she says I said well maybe its something you should discuss with your counselor so that doesn't happen. She said when I get bad thoughts I will try to get happy ones in there ... I said what about your journal? where is that ? its at mommy's well tomorrow night you should write it in just to get the stuff out of your head.

Has she been diagnosed with OCD?

I would insist DH & BM take her for a psych evel immediately as it will shed a light on the behaviors plus either she does have something going on an the part about her mind tells her to do the bad things worries me.

Better safe than sorry. I wouldn't exactly say it like its a punishment or anything just Daddy & your Mommy are taking you to a Dr to see why your mind is telling you these things, then let them take her and deal with it.

My gut tells me this is all acting out behavior but I think you have to rule out any psych issues as things are getting out of hand with her behavior and getting BM worked up and all. I would be insistant. This forces her parents to deal with it rather than leaving it for you.

Perhaps the Psych Dr can give you all some good ideas to handle this situations, like the beeetle thing etc..cause I can honestly say I don't tink I would have handled that well if it was my own kid I probably would have said my mind is telling me to beat your *** now get to sleep! But you can't do that nowadays-sigh...

The kids were at mom's last night so hubby and I well I talked he listened :).... about what to do next time it happens. Drives me absolutely nuts I tell him that if you don't take the phone from whichever child it may be that calls mom to "tattle" on you because thats what it basically is they think calling mommy is going to get daddy in trouble you need to stand up to your ex-wife and tell her you will deal with issues in your home same as you have told her to deal with them in her own home.

You are loosing control in your home and there is only so much I can do if the phone calls to mommy do not stop I cannot take the phone from them and tell mom to go bang her ankles only YOU can do that .... she will cause an all out war if I butt into this one but I cannot sit back and let them walk all over you so you have to make some choices real quick we have to be united. Please tell me this is going to change because I really can't leave everytime you sit idly by and do nothing, because you do not want to get into a conflict with mom.

I asked him if he thought she needed to be evaluated at the crisis center or somewhere else ... I said its not healthy or normal to dwell on things for days in a row .... even if its just for the attention she is getting it really shouldn't be carried on for days. He said he didn't know if it would help I said well it would help if we knew there wasn't something mentally wrong with her.

Other than me shutting down completely when it comes to your daughter I do not know how to deal with her and her mother or any of the kids for that matter when they are on the phone with their mom .... the phone calls need to stop because what I want to say to mom and I think this would stop the phone calls to mom if you tell mom if lets say she needs to be on the phone with them for more than an hour she needs to come and get that child. He says you know she won't I said I know that but hold her to task thats most of your problems with them and her is you never say what you mean and mean what you say ... always backing down.

How do you think you should have handled that whole situation monday night that would have had a better outcome? He says well I don't want to hear EX complaining how I am keeping her from her children ... well don't keep her tell her to come get them. Tell mom you are getting that child ready for her to pick up because you are not going to let them disrupt your house ... basically honey you need to stand up to her and your children .... I swear your mom should have named you Matt because you let people walk all over you including your children. They are not teens yet!! how are you going to stop them? Don't tell me you will, I see how your older one treats you when you mention something to her ... she screams at you like you are her child.

Its bad enough she calls the SS12's cell phone whenever she feels like it ... her lonliness should not be your children's issue ... Something needs to be done with the dumb phone calls ... they don't ever call her for "real reasons" just made us stories or when they are not getting their way like talking to mommy is going to change your mind because guess what it does you tell them to go to bed as punishment and they get on the phone with her for an hour ... who wins? the kid who is doing what they want or you for letting them do what they want to do so now they are not being punished they are on the phone!

We have to find a solution that works for us ... coddling bad behavior is not a solution I can work with ... He says well I don't know what to do with her or any of them when they act that way ... what is your gut reaction when they act like that? he says to take the phone away ... well why don't you?? what are you afraid of ? they won't like me ... to bad if they don't like you your their dad.

Lots of work to do with dad I am thinking :(

Well at least you were able to get it all off your chest. Your DH seems a lot like mine, does not like confrontation with kids or to be the baddie. That makes you the S-mom automatically the baddie which is not fair.

Since your skids are younger than mine were (not that it makes a difference but kids are more malleable to change when they are younger)I would just step back and force yor DH to deal with this stuff. If things get hairy at the house I would just grab my purse & tell DH "Bye!, call me when this has been handled I'm going shopping, for a pedicure-whatever!"

Then leave him to it. If he's at work call him & tell him to get home and handle it. Otherwise it will always fall on you. And if he has to be the one to handle it all the time trust me it will be delt with much sooner because it now affects HIM a lot more than you..

I have had to really learn to detach because in my situation (adult skids living here) I have absolutely no control over what happens in the house only how I react to it and what I am willing to do/put up with-which isn't much anymore.

Good luck- I feel your pain!

It sounds to me like the child almost definitely has OCD and is possibly suicidal, based on what she has said, in which case punishing her or threatening her are definitely not helpful responses.

They're black beetles right? I have them as well but they only come out in teh spring and autumn. Had the same issue with SD over 5 years ago. I think it was an attention thing completely and also she just didnt like bugs...she hates spiders more than those beetles though.
Either way..she made issue with the traps as well. So i said , ok. i'll take the traps out and you will just have to learn to speak to them and tell them to stay away from you. (she had complained the spray wasn't good either for her...)
My situation was a bit easier in teh sense that she only came EOW. So when she wasn't in the house, i would spray the room, set the traps for 10 days and then remove them when she came on the weekend.
But she did put up a fuss as well to her mom and my DH got into fights but then said to her to stop phoning on such an insignificant issue. She should take care of the fleas coming from her dog and cats in their home..oh yah..and the lice they bring 2-3 times out of the year.