One of the things that helps me get through those times is to reflect on the whole situation. It's very easy to get caught up in the day to day battles and react to something that is said or done. BM is pushing the buttons and I/You react. She is pulling the strings and we are her puppets.

When it seems like I'm going to explode, I find a quiet place to be alone, usually in my car. I think about her life. What is driving her? Guilt. Fear. Envy. Anger. Why is she doing this? In my case, I've come up with BM being a lonely 35 year old woman that wants or needs to be with a man to feel important and loved. Her needs are more important than her children. She hasn't accomplished anything in her life. She's never had a real job. She's never had a lasting relationship, the longest one was with my husband for less than three years. She's been in school off and on for eleven years to be a nurse but hasn't even gotten her AA degree. I think deep down, she wants to be in a family situation but fantasizes about a 'leave it to beaver' life but can't handle the reality of relationships, kids and life. When I think about all the disappointments and imagine all the things that she probably wants but can't have or seem to achieve, I actually feel sorry for her. I can see that she's destroying her relationship with her children. I can see the pain she inflicts on them and she can't. That is one of the things that angers me about her but at the same time, I feel sorry for her. (but the anger seems to win sometimes because I have to see and deal with her child that is crying and upset)

When you can let go and try not to react to ANYTHING she says or does, it will probably get better. When you see her, smile. You don't have to look at her or talk to her, just focus on the kids and smile. Don't let her see you get upset or react in any way. I understand the rage to the point you physically can't stand it and shake uncontrollably. As for her interfering in your life, she can't interfere if you don't allow her to. Learn to say, "thanks for your opinion/suggestion" or "we'll see" or "I'll think about it" or "that's nice", then disregard it and go about your life. Arguing back with her about things you do in your home is giving her power to control your feelings. Even if you don't do what she wants, if you let it upset you, then she is still in control over you. It takes time and practice to let things roll off your back and ignore it. I'm still working on it but I know I need to constantly work on it.

Lori and Ima, Get that same feeling, when I m in the same room with BM, as in a sport event, or court, I feel like I m going to throw up, and get a pounding headache...I can feel her hatred, dont even have to look in her direction...The only thing I hang onto, is these occasions are getting less and less, at least I hope..And I never let her see me sweat it out, I go exuding confidence,LOL, at least I hope thats how it comes off...I also think she has a junky life, but I didnt put her there..I know she s envious of my life, and she does try to interject herself into it in crazy ways, but since court told her no emails, and DH doesnt get anymore phone calls,it s bearable..The no contact drives her crazier than fighting,I dont like the fact that she ll pump the kid to find out whats going on in my house, but like Tony Sporano says, What ya gonna do??? LOL

Strength in numbers ... do you have a friend who could go with you someone anyone ... neighbor lady whoever ... I used to dread all the school things because maybe she will be there maybe she won't .... stress all the way there what will she say what will she do .... one morning saying something to neighbor about it ... neighbor said I'll go ... after that I make plans with another mother to sit with atleast even if we don't arrive together atleast I know she will be there .... :)

Court I bring magazine or book to read pen and paper for doodling anything to keep my hands and mind busy not dwelling.

Bring a video camera ... :) tape the whole show and just in case she does whatever you have video proof ... or atleast she will be less likely to do anything.

"This woman has put me through so much that when I get near her or even when she calls I go into a full body shake."

WOW how brave you are to admit this- this happens to me too and the only person I've ever told is my husband. I literally get stone cold and shake uncontrollably. To me it isn't even rage it is like a poison is coursing through my body. I have found two techniques that work for me and some other little tactics I use to make me feel better.

1. If her name comes into my head or I feel that feeling coming on I stop and say out loud " (her name) whatever you are thinking or saying or doing I do not accept it and send it back to you." ( It sounds crazy but it helps me feel like she does not have the power to change my mood or bother me.)

2. If I have more time or privacy I say a prayer for her. "Lord, please protect me and my family, keep us safe, do not allow me to become angry or upset and help me be compassionate and find forgiveness for her and myself when I fail. I pray that you soften her heart and fill it with love and kindness."

Whenever I see her it takes every ounce of energy but I do it anyway to smile and say Hi, how are you? It kills her everytime and she literally can't even return the words.

At parties instead of focusing on her behavior (if looks could kill- I'ld be dead) I make an effort to talk to everyone including and especially her friends. When I have spoken to everyone I usually leave or focus on the kids.

At school functions I usually make plans to go with friends who know our situation or MIL. She tends to behave better when other people are around.

If I ever have to drop of the kids (very rarely- maybe once a year) we stop to buy her a coffee or pastry- the kids are so excited to be coming back with a small surpise for her that she doesn't have time to do her usual evil eye. Her focus is them not me and my focus is on "Serenity NOW! (as in Seinfield).

None of it always works but for me planning ahead mentally and emotionally makes it easier. Good Luck!

Thank you to everyone who answered. You have no idea how comforting it is to know I am not alone in my feelings.

Now for what happened today!!!

This was the best day of my life with my family sence we got married. Yes she was there but I did a little prayer and turned all my focus on the play. Ladys (and gents if they are any) the play was the best I have ever seen for elementry school. I was so proud of all our kids. After the play I went to SD to tell her how proud I was of her and how beautiful she looked. She for the first time ever in front of BM hugged my neck and told me she loved me. My SS and DS came over and we has a group hug and they all gave me kisses. I told DH I needed to go to car to get there cloths I came back and there she was trying to talk to him asking him if we were going to the 5th grade end of year picnic as soon as he saw me he left her standing there walked right up and kissed me. We got all the kids ready and headed for the picnic. She was there. DH and SS were playing foot ball she went and got another one and tried to get SD to play with her she told her not right now mommy me and Lori are going to go swing. She then went and tried to get all the other kids to play they all said no and walked off. No one would have much to do with her. Me and hubby sat on a bench swing and talked and laughted and had a great time. About 12:30 we desided to go get my DD at the middle school and bring her back. We took SD with us and let the boys stay because it was there day. When we got back they had all went on a hike so DD and SD wanted to go to so we went. We stopped to talk to my friend who was coming back down on the trail. The girls went on. We started back up the trail and here she came. I was calmer than I had ever been. She said " I told *** and *** (the girls) to stay were they were. DH said "why" she said "cause those kids do not need to be going up there unsupervised" (it was a gravel drive way) He looked dead at her and said "then what are you doing walking around by your self" She stomped off. We got up there and finished the hike, it was fun. We all came back together. They all got wet cause it has rained and it is muddy as all get out. Well we got down there and she was MAD I mean MAD. She was shaking and wouldnt say a word. We desided to leave and told the kids we were ready to go she came up to them and yelled right in front of everyone "Well if you all get sick I know exactly why" The teacher said "what do you mean by that" Again she walked off. So we left her standing there. The Skids were mad that she talked to them like that in front of everyone and told her she had no concept of fun. and they went and got in the van. I told a few people by and my friend said she would call me in a little bit she had something to tell me.

Okay my friend called when BM got back from trail my friend and 2 other mothers were there. She told them she knew I wanted a peice of her and that she was ready. 1 Mother asked her how long she had been divorced she said 3 years and they told her how she needed to get over it and move on with her life and she needed to get along for the kids. The other mother told her "I've watched that woman all day and she is good to your kids you should be happy they she takes care of them" then my friend told her. "She doesnt want anything to do with you much less a peice of you. She is happy being a mother and a wife and she doesnt have time to worry about what you are doing.

Like I said folks I have had the best day of my life. I felt like a loved parent and not dirt under there feet or some one who should sit in a corner and in the dark. I felt like a loved wife (witch I always do ) but to day it was special because for once I felt like she had no control over any of us.

Today was just a really good day.
Thank God.

Lori, I know that you find your DH's ex frustrating and infuriating. I understand that you resent how poorly she treats her kids, leaving you to pick up the pieces.
But I'm concerned about an attitude I'm picking up on in your posts: I have the impression that you think your SKs can only love BM or you, but not both.
I'm thrilled for you that you had a moment where you felt like a family, and not like second fiddle! That's fabulous! But you know how we often complain about BMs who make kids feel as if they have to choose betweens mom and dad, or mom and stepmom? Well, it's equally destructive when SMs make kids feel as if they have to choose. It's really important to try to be supportive of your SK's relationship with their mom, and not consider that they love you as a victory over BM.
Kids need love and support from all their parents, and that can be complexed when they see that one parent doesn't like that they love another.
Maybe you're not like that at all. Maybe I totally misunderstood your post, and in that case I apologize. But they're still words we should all keep in mind!

i agree with ceph. maybe I missed previous posts. i don't know the story. is she abusive to her children? does she mistreat them? does she see her kids often? if she is abusive and is denied parental rights then it is one story but if not...

it did sound like she was probably hurt that kids didn't want to play with her. she might be a crazy one (and she sounds like a piece of work)but she loves her children (in her own weird way) and she is probably hurt. her anger outburst is probably because of hurt she experiences not because she wants to harm you.

but if she is harmful and abusive to her kids then of course it makes a difference...

Lori, I have walked in your shaking shoes for years, so I can say from experience you need to watch where you are walking.

I picked up on the same vibe - that you were pleased the skids 'picked' you over mom. While I can totally understand that feeling, I need to tell you it's not okay. When BM was at her most psycho and making SD feel bad about saying my name, I would feel almost victorious that she did it anyway. Suddenly I realized I was putting SD in a horrible place where she could not emerge victorious. I know you want to feel that all you do isn't for nothing. You want BM to see the skids love you and they aren't tortured. That's okay. But you have to make sure you aren't using the skids to accomplish that.
This doesn't mean you had to tell SD to swing with mom and defer to her at all times. But, what you could have tried was saying, so that mom could hear, "How about we ask your mom to swing with us so we can all be together?" Of course this isn't what you really want, but it is what's best for SD (as long as mom won't cause a scene) If mom then refuses you were the bigger person. With continued behavior like this the skids won't grow up feeling that they have to choose between you moms, but that they can love you both. Even if the two of you never 'swing' together, you have sent the very important message that in your world it is not mom vs. step mom and the skids are in the middle. As they get older they see this, trust me, and appreciate the fact that you always took the high road while mom continued to try to drag them down her low road.

I understand what you all are saying and I see what you mean. But no it wasn't like that. I was pleased that for once no matter how hard she tried to get them to treat me the way they always had they would not. I use to tell them maybe we should invite mom to do this or that but that only made her worse so I have stopped doing that and I just keep quite. When I would do that she would say " Oh she is just trying to play miss goody toe shoes" So I just remain quite and let her do what ever she wants. Like yesturday, I stayed to my self on the other side of the bridge. While she was running all over the place.

I don't want them to ever chose between us. Its just nice when it feels they are free to go between freely, you know spend time with who they want when they want and how ever they want. Yesturday they just hung around me and DH more and it was the first time in 2 years. I've never wanted to put them in a situation where they feel they have to chose. They have come to me saying mom gets mad if we talk to you or come around you that was when I desided to just remain quite.
She is a hard person to deal with as she is only worried about her self and her feelings and no matter what you do or dont do you are doing it to make her mad. As for me yes it hurt when I was treated the way I was but they are kids and I don't hold it against them. When it comes to all my kids it my feeling, wants or anything else is put to the side for them.
I agree they will be the ones to see what is true as they grow up. All I want is to love them to the best of ability and hope that one day she will not continue to make everything so dramatic.
I can see why you thought I was pleased that they "chose me" but that was not why I was so happy I was just happy that they talked to me at all.

My hubands ex wife is very much like this. Its toned down these past few months cause of an incident that happened under my home with the SKs and my son. The situation was fixed cause i had to nip it in the butt. I told sd to leave and told her while she was onthe phone with her mom. I've posted before so i'm not going to repeat again. Suffice it to say it was to protect my son. But unfortunatley some posters here disagreed that telling my Sd to get out of my home was not my right and i just did it cause i didnt' want her around.
They are wrong. I have my ups and downs ith them. This weekend was actually great. I'm helping my SS withhis project cause he asked for me to help him and SD is in a good mood and she wished me happy belated mothers day. SHe asked me to help her clean her white stained pants. Got this great stuff to remove stains! anyways...things are good.
But yes, BM has put our family through hell for 6 years. She would always do things but through the kids or change plans just to ruin our plans. We get the kids EOW so when we plan somehting , time is of the essence. Well she catches wind of us taking them somewhere and she'll do something right. Can't begin to list them. And yes when they're is an event for the SK, i get anxiety from this woman. But i've learned to take a deep breath and focus on the good times and just focus hwo happy the skids will be when we arrive. They always ask us to be there. We sit separate from her cause of the way she behaves and we watch plays for the skids.
I wish things could be different. I wish this woman would not cause pain toher kids everytime they do enjoy our place but she is a vindictive person and now i have to get away from the hate. Cause it is sooo easy to dwell on it.
I know its difficult and iwth time it does get easy. But keep your distance from her. Give her no chances to contact you in any way. phone email etc...You have to learn to ignore. For your own sanity.
I've cometo a point where i had to close the door. I enjoy the little moments with my skids but do not hope for more cause she will crush any chance of a relationship with them. THey know this and mark my words. The day will come when as adults they will turn around and tell her off. I know they love their mother and i know they have a love for me. And they also expressed this weekend an anger that they just do not understand their mothers actions. I told them not to focus on adult things. Just focus on being a kid and have fun in life. Let the adults deal with adult issues.
Loridarlin, focus onthe good times you all have. Shut the hate and resentment out. Thats the best advice i can give. let Biomom sit in her misery and dont allow her to infect you with her hate.

OM, thank you. I appretiate your response. She has made many things very drammatic for a long time. Friday was the first time everyone seem at peace (except her) usually its everyone else feeling upset and her laughting it up. It was just nice for all of us (kids included) being able to relax and do our own thing. When she is in control no one can do there own thing. She is so loud and the things she says is embarrasing. Like Friday when she yelled out to the kids cause they got wet :If you get sick I know exactly why. They came and hid behind us with there heads down cause it embarrased them. I just told them not to worry.

I guess alot of us are in the same boat just some different storys and I appretiate everyone who works together here to help the others. Whether you are a BM, BF, SM, SF, DD, DS, SD, SS, everyone deserves peace and quite and a happy life.

You know I got to thinking about what you all said and here is what I have to say.

My attitude. There is nothing wrong with my attitude. I have had to go to court more times than one over this woman lying and trying to get me put in jail. She has called my work several times trying to get me fired. She has spread rumors that I am having a affair with the plant manager. She has went to the school on 2 different occautions trying to intemidate and scare my kids. She has told other kids to be her witnesses that she is doing nothing to my kids on days she desides to leave them along. She called Child services on me twice in a 3 week period saying I abuse my SD. When there is a school fuction she runs her mouth loudly so I can hear talking about me like I am trash to other parents. She has made the kids feel like they can have nothing to do with there father or me. This isnt half of it. So excuse me if I have a little smile when for once just once (after all the times I have step back and been in the shadow and never said a word and let her go with what ever she does) things dont go her way.
You damn right I smiled. I did as I have always done I stayed to my self and let her bounce around like a attention starved crazy person running her mouth and acting stupid. I stayed far away from her and set in a swing most the day with my back turned to her so not to make contact so. Yes when the day was done and I was home and the kids were playing I did smile. So there you go !
And you know what I will keep smiling!:)