Are they anxious kids? I used to worry when my parents would leave for too long. Are they worriers? Have they ever been abused? Has one witnessed abuse of the other & felt helpless to change the abuse? How about at school? Do either of them get picked on? I wouldn't think this is normal behavior but maybe normal behavior for their circumstances.

They are not anxious kids or worriers. We know that when they lived with their mom and stepdad that their stepdad had an alcohol problem. There was an instance where cops came there and questioned the kids about a domestic situation between their mom and stepdad. The stepdad has been physically abusive towards their mom and we know that they did wittness some of that. They have also talked about yelling matches between their mom and stepdad that were pretty nasty.

We have never hurt them. We don't spank or slap, but we do raise our voices at times without meaning to when they are in trouble.

Do you think that what happened there is making them still act like this years later? They have acted like this since I have known them and they have not been around their stepdad in 2 years, just their mom a few times.

When my parents were divorced, which was a pretty amicable divorce, I was about 7 and my brother was about 4. All through childhood we were close, and in a way the divorce brought us closer together. We were very sensitive to what the other was feeling and "banded against" our parents in certain situation, esp. discipline. I don't remember so well but my parents have told us we would sit on the couch whispering to each other, have our own tea parties, etc. to the exclusion of other kids and whoever else was around. You are probably doing a great job with the kids, but maybe their parents' divorce brought deepened the bond between them. I'm not an expert in child psychology, but I do remember that this was my experience.

They are extremely close despite their age difference. The younger is a boy, older is a girl. They will play together for hours and rarely argue. They always share. They are almost like perfect kids! Wish I got along like that with my siblings as a child!

I know that my stepdaughter had a rough time with the divorce and cried a LOT! My stepson was young and really didn't know what was going on. Really he still follows his sisters lead. If his sister is excited about seeing their mom then so is he. If she does not want to go then he doesn't.

If their aunt asks my stepson to stay at her house and play with her boys his first question is "what about my sister?" If we ask what he wants for dessert his first answer is "what does my sister want"? If we try to get them to do anything seperate my stepson gets upset. If I am going clothes shopping with my stepdaughter he wants to come. If I am doing my stepdaughters hair he has to see what we are doing. If husband asks my stepson to go in the backyard with him he asks if his sister is going to.

He is in school without her and somehow makes it through! But he goes 1/2 days and when we get home if we do anything fun he always asks if we can do it again when his sister gets home! Sometimes I just wish he could be less dependant on his big sister and come out of his shell a little.

Oh gosh, what good kids. You are very fortunate to have them. As I'm sure they are to have you too. Maybe she played the mother role when the mother wasn't. She stepped up to the plate & was the nurturer. I know many older sisters will do that. They do alot of the mothering. He probably is a comfort to her too. Something stable that has always been there. I'm sure in the years to come he'll get out of his shell. It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job as a parent. Keep up the good work.

Its a normal behaviour in divorced kids. When something traumatic happens it brings them closer and they have a tight bond because of it.
My stepkids come eow and they are like that. they are 10 (SS) and 12 going 13 soon for SD.
I was like this with my brother when my mother died as well.
They sound like great kids.
Does their mom have visitation rights?

Their mom does have every other weekend visitation rights but the catch is that her alcoholic husband can not be around during these visits. She did not follow that and tried telling us that her husband stopped drinking. She tried denying he was abusive even though she had told my husband once in the beginning of our marriage that she wanted out of her relationship because she was being abused. My husband told her there was nothing he could do -I think she was looking for him to get rid of me and take her back!

Anyways her husband convinced her to move pretty far from us so now she doesn't really see the kids and she has more kids with her husband. She saw the kids in August but ignored the fact that her husband could not be around. The kids did not tell us any stories of anything bad happening but we are not sure if we will let her take them again this summer because she is not following the order. She can't take them during the school year because it is too long of a drive to really do every other weekend so she takes them when she can see them for a week or two. It just makes us nervous to have her husband around because who knows when he will drink or when his temper will flare. My stepdaughter told us that when her stepdad was mad he told her mom that looking at my stepson makes him sick because he looks so much like his father!

Wow. "looking at my stepson makes him sick because he looks so much like his father!"
That's a horrible thing to say... I'd be worried about this guy too!

But I wouldn't worry too much about the empathy/codependence between the kids. Keep an eye on it, but it sounds to me like a phase that they will grow out of (my N&Ns used do something similar sometimes). Maybe try to encourage them to do things independently, or ask a specific child a specific question to interrupt the group mentality... It sounds like you've been trying some of that stuff, so just keep it up for awhile.

Oh, and I see a lot of confusion ahead, between the two screen names of "newstepmommy" and "newstepmom" (who is a frequent poster here)...

It's not just stepkids! My DD would look to DS for her answers about food, activities, and even who she liked/disliked. This went on for a while. DH told her she didn't have to ask her brother to help her make choices. They also used to rarely argue. Sadly, they outgrew that! A four+ year gap in age seems to be part of this phenomenon. I haven't observed it in siblings close in age.
I will say that the crying in stereo would be frustrating, and as they get older should be worked on. Perhaps they need to learn other ways to deal with sad feelings.
I think you have just what it takes to help these kids, it is obvious you care.

my 2 DS's are similar. The younger (4) looks to the older (7) for everything. If DS4 gets a snack her gets one for DS7 as well. If DS7 has to go to the bathroom DS4 does as well. It's really cute sometimes, and irritating at others.

I think in your situation it really is a security and comfort issue. If mom wasn't much of a mom it's likely he saw his big sister as the comforter and care giver, if you will. She is his constant. On the flip side, she likely feels some sort of responsibility for him, even if she doesn't realize it. Perhaps she worries that they too could be split apart since mom and dad split apart.

I would guess as they get older this will sort itself out. It might be beneficial to talk to a child psychologist to see if they have any tips on how to stop the in stereo crying though. :-)

I think it is a little extreme, but normal to a point. My ss5 looks up to my bioson9. Everything the 9yr old does the 5 yr old wants to do. He just looks up to him. My sisters looked up to me as a child too. I think thats normal.

But the crying when the other one cries and peeking around the corner when one is getting talked to sounds like they are protecting eachother. Its likely that they looked to eachother for comfort and protection while their stepdad was drinking and being mean to their mother or possibly even them. So now they are really close. Since they are not in that environment anymore it should get better, it will just take a long time for them to feel "safe".

Children having empathy...not really a bad thing.

SD accidentally knocked DD's tooth out once and then got mad that DD was crying. Before confession, SD sits down with a pencil and paper for an hour because she cannot think of anything she should be confessing. DH actually tells her what to write sometimes. This lack of empathy can really be quite annoying.

It does sound a little extreme with your skids, and maybe it is due to them going through some rough times, but aside from the in stereo crying and the worry of helping them deal with any emotional troubles they're having, I would just be glad that they exhibit the ability to have empathy because some kids just don't, and that's not so great.

My oldest niece and nephew are 4 years apart (boy's older)-they are teens now but when they were younger my niece was like that. Her brother would get hurt, she would cry. Her brother would get in trouble, she would get all pouty and sad. No divorce, no abuse, no childhood trauma of any type, just a (maybe a little overly) sensitive little girl who loved her brother. She has pretty much grown out of it, I think mainly because at 12 it's just not cool to cry over something happening to your (-yuck-) brother, but they're still pretty close.