Did your husband agree to drop off? Does it facilitate her new job? My view (which I can see you agree with) is that it is to everyone's benefit for any working parent to have better job.

As to veiwing child care places, is there no way for you husband to do it?

KKNY,

He hasn't agreed yet, things are still up in the air. As for it facilitating her new job, i dont believe so (maybe there's something I'm not seeing) but again, her reasoning didn't seem to make sense.

He can view the places. I was asking is it considered a no-no for SMs to be there as well, just to see where the kids go to school, etc.

I cant imagine why she would want to drop child off at your house then. I have to wonder if there is more to story.

I guess it depends on your relationship. I think part of the problem is that if you introduce yourself as Mrs. X, and there is child last name X, the mom may feel people think you are the mom. What does your husband think?

As for the child care. I don't see why you can't be helping to search for a place and to go with BF if you are an going to be involved in picking up and dropping off, as long as you understand that it is ultimately BF and BM's job to do this and make the final choices. I personally wouldn't. I would let the parents take care of this, but BF should listen to you and allow you to have a say with him if you are an active participant in this child's life. Again, it is his ultimate responsibility.

As for the rest, it is wonderful that the BM has a better job. If she is dropping the daughter off everyday is temporary, I wouldn't put too much thought into it. If you are uncomfortable with this arrangement, you need to talk to BF. I can understand feeling territorial if the BM comes by everyday. It sounds like it can be an uncomfortable situation.

We've run into my husband's ex a few times in public places, but since they don't get along- at all- there is no communication (outside of the SF mouthing inappropriate things our direction). I'm not much help in that arena.

You're guess is as good as mine at this point.

The purpose of me going is not to step on any toes, just simply because I want to see where our child may go to school. I think that she'll prefer that I'm not there and he's the type that doesn't like friction. So who knows.

I totally know that its their final decision. I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes he asks me my opinion and i'll tell him truthfully, if i think its worth saying, he and i are usually on the same page with the logical things.

I do need to talk to him about it so he knows how i feel.

I liked when X lived closer by, he could spend more time with DD.

In terms of schooling etc X never brought his wife to school or day care choosing events etc. Maybe if he would be CP and SM would be primary care giver it would be understandable, but if not I don't see any reason why she dad's GF should be there. Don't get me wrong I have nothing against SMs involved and never had anything against my X's partners (in fact they were all nice women).

My BF's X lives in the same area but we never run into each other. It is very funny because I run into my parents periodically all over the place not even in the close by area. Like a movie theater 30 minutes away, mall on the other side on the metro area etc. We never run into X. same as sandianne BF's X doesn't talk to him with the exception of periodically nasty emails or screeming phone calls to him or SDs

I think in the long run its much more convenient, its just an adjustment on my end. It doesn't help that she can be pretty rude to me (thats another post). So I'm trying to rememeber the bonus of it all, that its best for SK.

As for the school stuff. I think its natural to want to be there to see, to know whats going at the schools, to get a feel for the environment and the staff. You want to feel that your children are in a safe place. I completely trust that Bioparents can make that decision, that doesn't change me wanting to "experience" it. But if its not a good idea, i guess i'll have to suck it up.

"You're guess is as good as mine at this point.
The purpose of me going is not to step on any toes, just simply because I want to see where "our child" may go to school. I think that she'll prefer that I'm not there and he's the type that doesn't like friction. So who knows."

This stood out to me "our child", that does seem territorial. It doesn't seem that you are a SM in a situation where you are the primary caretaker, so I'd back off a bit and refrain from using thoser kind of terms around BM or SD. Even in great and well-adjusted blended families, those kind of terms can be a stink in someone's craw.

I don't see any reason why you can't go, but then again I'm not seeing any reason why you have to. So, I'd try to remain flexible and pick and choose your battles.

I didn't have to worry about the picking a school dilemma, but what I have done with regard to school is go with my husband to all the parent teacher conferences. When I am at the school, I initiate conversations with the staff. I will take snacks on special days and come to special events even if my husband can't. Most recently, I recorded a winter concert for my husband and we watched it with SS there. When talking with school staff, I don't talk about the BM or the situation unless they ask and then I minimize the conversation so if something comes up, my husband can handle it without me being in the middle. At least once, I told an administrator I would have my husband call to discuss further. If another court proceeding (which I have no doubt will happen) pops its head up, the school is a primary area of interest for the courts. They want to know from a neutral party what is happening with the children.

But more than the court concerns, I like knowing the way the school works and the people involved so when my SS says something I can relate to it. I have caught him trying to minimize things happening at school, but due to my knowledge of the school and staff, I was able to call him on it and try to help address the behavior. I tell my husband and he will make the call about consequences if necessary. I also know my SS's friends so when he talks about them, he knows I am listening due to my knowing responses.

From what I recall, you are not married to him, just GF? I'm not sure so I'm using DH here but if you aren't married, I would back off a lot more than if you are married.

I think now is the best time for you and your DH to set up acceptable boundaries with BM (regarding her coming over all the time and dropping off for school, etc.) When BM lived closer to us, it was still almost an hour away but just a few minutes from where DH worked. On DH's weeks, she'd want DH to pick up her other daughter on the way, since DH was driving SD to school a few blocks from BM's house and they went to the same school. He went along with it since SD wanted to be around her sister, but it also set up DH to do other 'favors' for BM which after a while, it got to be too much. (of course, one of the irritants was that BM would never do anything for him. Besides the fact that he did her favors to save her time but he was working full time too and she wasn't working at all) So, you and your DH may want to consider agreeing what you are or aren't willing to do as far as 'favors' and taking the kids extra time. (and if it's a regular thing to have the kids more, I would adjust the support too since there may be extra expense for activities with the kids once they live closer) Once you & DH agree on your terms, then DH can negotiate with BM, any changes in visitation, etc.

As far as running into her, if it's a small town, it's more likely to happen. It would depend on your relationship with her, if it's at least amicable, smile & be friendly. and of course respectful and polite. If she despises you, still be friendly, polite and calm. A simple 'hi, how are you? I gotta go but have a nice day.' if you don't want to converse. Leave it to DH to talk to her about the kids, unless she asks you.

and there is no reason why you shouldn't be allowed to tag along to daycares. I would keep my opinion to myself unless you see something that could be harmful to the child. Then I might say something later, in private to DH. Again, if she despises you, then you might not want to go. If she can't be civil with you, then you should be the grown up and stay home. Maybe on another day, DH could take you to the daycare by yourselves.

I think it can be the best thing and the worst thing for the parents to live close to each other. The best if they can work together and get along. The worst if there is conflict. If they can't get along, then it may be more peaceful to not live near each other, but then the kids also suffer because they don't see their parent as much.

Keepit, do I remember right that it's you who has the BM that sent the text message about "Thanks for hanging out the other day - reminds be of how wonderful you are"??
If it is, I can see why you're feeling a bit territorial! A little unsolicited advice though about feeling territorial: keep a CLOSE eye on it. A little bit is normal, and probably healthy, but watch that it doesn't escalate into full-blown jealousy or paranoia. Jealousy and paranoia are very destructive things to have in your relationship.

I agree with Sandi et al, that there's no harm in your going to see schools too, and offering your opinion to him in private, as long as you know that ultimately, it's not your decision.

We bump into BM once in a while around town, but if she has her boyfriend with her, she doesn't talk to us... But if she doesn't, she might say hi. It was awkward back when BM still ignored me and/or was rude to me, but now that she talks to me it's not bad. Other than the odd running errands thing, we've only bumped into her at a concert once. And we knew she was going to be there, because she was mad at us that we wouldn't cancel our plans (even though she had never heard the band before and it was her boyfriend that wanted to go) and her mom was out of town, so she had to get a sitter for A__ because it was during the week.

I agree with Ima about making sure you know what 'favours' are and are not acceptable. BM wants all sorts of selfish crap from my BF all the time (like wanting him to drive across town to buy her Christmas lights) and that can get pretty annoying. But I'm lucky because BF tells her to do these things herself.

I also agree with KK that it's weird that she wants to drop SD off at your place in the mornings. If BM starts work at 7:30 am, but you and DH don't start until 9, I can see it as logical...

Ceph,

you are right, she did send that message. And so, of course i'm going to be a bit uncomfortable. I haven't shown that to her though. I hear you on territorial going bad. I'm trying to vent and analyze my feelings so I don't get to that point.

I suppose I'll just let him decide on whether he wants me there or not. If he doesn't ask me to come along, eh, I won't be surprised.

It is not so bad living near ex. My ex moved to our town, about 5 blocks from us. I was nervous about how this would work at first and my dh was even more wierded out by it.

It has not been so bad. My ex sees our dd more now and she can stay at his home on school nights once in a while. He is able to attend school activities more and now sports are not a problem. When we lived 45 min. away from eachother sports were a hassle when he had her for the weekend. His gf came to pick up my dd yesterday because she was going to her dads and gf was out running errands so she came to pick up dd. I was fine with it.

My dh has not run into my ex anywhere. So it has been ok. Hopefully this situation will give both parents more time with their child and a little more help with the child.

I have my fingers crossed for you!

My Ex moved about 2 blocks from me, and believe me, I wasn't thrilled about it. (Particularly since I knew his motives, and they weren't good.) And I did end up having territorial battles with his wife, though thankfully, they are settled now and we get along well. Here's my two cent worth from the other side of the equation:

- To minimize problems, be involved but stay a step back. You have a legitimate interest, but don't try to have an equal voice in the parenting equation unless BM gives you the signal that she'll welcome your input. (She actually might some day because you will see a different set of behaviors than she does, and you'll run her child's 'other home.' She will have problems with the child that you won't and vice versa.)

- If you think you know why SD is doing something, voice your opinion as a question, not as a theory. "I wonder if maybe she's...?" instead of "I think she's..." Especially if you're not the custodial household, BioMom is likely to think you don't know her child well enough to know why she's acting in certain ways. You're allowed to have insights and observations, but don't try to be the expert about her child.

- Clarify that you're the StepMom. With your last name being the same as the child's, it's easy for someone to assume you're the parent. Clear up those misconceptions early, often, and especially if you're within BM's hearing. ;-) Letting someone else's assumption go unchallenged is a sure way to raise BioMom's hackles.

- Remember that to the child, BioMom has a special place, and if either one of you tries to force a choice between the two, BioMom will beat StepMom 98 times out of 100 -- deserved or not. (You've no doubt read enough posts here about drugged-out psycho absentee BioMom's whose kids nonetheless adore them...) Of course, it's in the child's best interests never to have to make that choice, and it is in your best interests never to make BioMom want to ask them to.

- Don't try to be "the better Mom". There's no contest, and there's enough love to go around. My Ex tried to force this role onto his new wife, and she went along with it for a while because he really wanted her to replace me in our son's life. He finally backed off when I refused to make it an either/or and she convinced him it wasn't appropriate. (She has since admitted to me that this was what he did and apologized for going along with it.)

After things settled down a bit, I realized it was actually very helpful for all of us to go together to school events and teacher conferences. Otherwise, each side heard a different story and we could never reach a concensus on how to handle DS. But it took a few years to reach this point.

My stepsons' BM lives in the same town as us, less than a couple miles away. We highly value our privacy and don't want her in our house and, so far, she has not been in it. Both boys have their own vehicles, so there is no dropping off/picking up anymore.

My DH and I were just commenting to each other last night about how rarely we run into BM. I can't even recall the last time we saw her. We've all been friendly anytime we've run into each other--just the usual "hi" thing, not much else.

We have a civil relationship with her, but most communication is done by e-mail or phone.

I see nothing wrong with you looking at childcare centers and voicing your opinion of them to your BF, but I think ultimately the decision on a center should be up to the bio parents. Don't be pushy on this issue. Remember...you are not bio mom!

I agree with gigglemonster about referring to your SK as "your" child. It's not your child. I never refer to my stepsons as my children--they didn't come out of my womb, therefore they are not mine.

Good advice, sweeby!

I guess the weird feelings are normal since you guys have never lived so close together. Just go with the flow and see how it all pans out. Try not to worry right now since it could be for nothing.

As far as the daycare thing goes...I think it depends on your situation. My husband calls his girls "our kids" because we consider them "our" kids. Not to say biomom is no less their mother but as the situation stands right now I am the mother figure. He always asks my imput on everything simply because he knows I love the girls and want whats best for them the same as him. Thats just how are family relationship is.

If you want to go just ask the man if he minds you going. If he seems unconfortable with you all going together it may be best for you to take the high road to uphold the peace. Good luck to you!!!

Taking a few guesses...

He likes the attention from the ex..??

She left him... so he still carries a torch?

She broke up with BF and is looking to rekindle...??

Let them do for their kid stay out of it ... its just going to piss her off and he is just going to sit idly by while the 2 of you fight over him via their child.

I guess the weird feelings are normal since you guys have never lived so close together. Just go with the flow and see how it all pans out. Try not to worry right now since it could be for nothing.

As far as the daycare thing goes...I think it depends on your situation. My husband calls his girls "our kids" because we consider them "our" kids. Not to say biomom is no less their mother but as the situation stands right now I am the mother figure. He always asks my imput on everything simply because he knows I love the girls and want whats best for them the same as him. Thats just how are family relationship is.

If you want to go just ask the man if he minds you going. If he seems unconfortable with you all going together it may be best for you to take the high road to uphold the peace. Good luck to you!!!

cawfecup,

it was actually him who ended up leaving.

And as an update to all, he actually asked me to join him for one of the interviews coming up. So i'll go with the flow as someone suggested and its no biggie otherwise.

Thanks for all your help.

I'm glad he is including you and I wish you well.

sandieanne,

the more i read through this and the more i thought about it, i figured, why "create" an uncomfortable situation. I know i'm not completely comfortable with her and I swear every woman says "I would not trust her"... and i know if i focus on that it will just drive me nuts. I need to focus on being good to myself, to my man, and to kiddo.

For those of you who are sticklers about saying "our kids"... I feel its very important that children do not feel separate/excluded from their siblings. I am totally aware I'm not SDs "mommy", and kids know who their mom and dad are no matter what. Its just important that they know they are fully loved and accepted by all. Granted I wouldn't say "my kid" to BM b/c thats just rude.

Did you watch that interview with the author of The Last Lecture this past week? He is dying of cancer and gave an incredible lecture which I guess you can download on the internet. I saw clips of it this week and it is very inspirational. His wife says something to herself when things get tough which I really took to heart. Although the situations are different, they fit. She says something like - Is this helping? or Is this helpful? I just saw the interview a couple days ago and I have already found myself repeating that and changing my course of action as a result. I plan on buying the book.