Annebel- welcome to "the club" first of all! Being a step is a toughie but I wouldn't trade my family for the world.

We have joined custody, we get the kids every other Friday after school and drop them off the following Friday at school. Holidays are an entirely different story.
The children have been going through this back and forth for two years now (dad had every other weekend and every Wednesday prior)... It's a mystery how they are able to cope, but I assume it's because they have two very stable environments they "bounce" between. The children rarely forget things over here/there, and if they do, we are both a phonecall away and able to either bring things to activities or leave them on whichever front porch. We have two of some, but we let the children take things to their mother's... and say, if we end up with "all the sweatshirts", a phonecall is made or e-mail sent and, voila, another bag on a porch filled with whatever shortage.

This seems to be working very well for us. However, my brother and sister-in-law have a different arrangement with my nephew: Sun-Tue with Dad, Wed-Fri with Mom, every other Saturday with each parent. Just the thought makes me dizzy, but it works for them and for the little guy who has been doing this for 6 years of school (prior, his bio-dad also had the skimpy alternating weekend deal). Oh, but when he goes to Dad's, Mom packs all his stuff for him.

So I really think it depends on whatever y'all can manage. What I also have learned, if we communicate as openly as possible all to the children (without drawing them into the adult issues of the situations), they seem to do much better with change. Good luck and congrats!

PS If you're a reader, I can suggest some books if you'd like!

When my son was that age, we did Tuesdays 4:30 - 8:30 and Thusdays 4:30 - overnight in addition to every other weekend. That worked pretty well --

We have my stepchildren every other Wednesday after school until Monday morning when we drop them off at school. During the summer we just alternate weeks. The kids really like that. As for holidays we alternate them also but give and take when necessary and it hasn't been a problem yet. We have clothes that we buy and keep at our house. We feel that it seems more like their home too then if they are packing a bag for a visit. Also, since we attend church and their bio mom doesn't we had it put in the stipulation that if they want to attend church with us when it is her weekend she has to allow it. We just have to let her know by 5p.m. on Saturday. Prior to this arrangement we had the kids every Friday night at 6 p.m. until Sunday at 6 p.m. and then also on Wednesday evening for dinner and church and returned them by 8:30 p.m. Everyone likes the new arrangement better.

As for my bio children. The oldest three do not want over nights with their dad but the youngest one stays every Friday night and comes home Saturday evening. Unless something special is going on and then he has an overnight another time. The visitation schedule is liberal and if my son wants to go with dad after school for a couple of hours then I generally allow it if nothing is going on. In the summer he usually stays two nights per week depending on his dads work schedule. He doesn't usually want the kids for holidays because it is just him. Unless he goes out of town to see his family and then I allow it because I am fortunate for all of the time I get to have.

I hope some of these suggestions you find here will work to where everyone is happy. We have changed our arrangements a few times according to what the kids wanted. After all that is what matters most.

God Bless

I just want to commend all of you for such reasonable and agreeable realtionships with the ex-spouses.

DH and I are raising his 12 year old grandson who was formerly in the custody of DH's ex. She was unable to raise this child and his 13 year old brother (brother is in an institution for sex offenders). We were given this kid with only 8 hours advance notice. What a shocker! But we've had him for 3 1/2 years now and he's is doing better educationally and behavior. But we have a great working relationship with the ex. And it helps so much that she lives 8 hours away!!!

My stepdaughter goes with her mother EOW but will spend more time with her in the summer. She lives 20 minutes away and works 2nd shift (part time) and is going to school. Other stepdaughter doesn't usually go for visits, she's 17 and busy with school, sports, work, friends so she might go over for dinner once in awhile. My daughter goes with her dad as his schedule permits (he works rotating shifts, nights) But I do know people who do every other week. I think as long as you are in the same school district there are lots of options. So the bio mom doesn't feel attacked it might be best to invite her over to talk about increasing visitation, or a phone call from your boyfriend to her. I would start slowly, maybe request a Thursday night thru Monday night and see how it goes. As everyone adjusts to that you can work towards more time... It is a big transition for the children too. I was never a big fan of returning small children late in the evening... it seems they need time to unwind and readjust to the other household and when they are dropped @ 8:30 at night it seems like it would take hours to adjust to the other households rules. I liked when they were brought back around 6. My stepdaughter gets home Sunday nights around 8:00 but she is 14 now. Just throwing out some ideas for you to think about.

JaneMarie5 raises a great point about the time of day during which the switches happen. Unless it's a holiday where specific arrangements happen, we try to keep the switches no later than 7:30 (the children are all in elementary school). They benefit a lot from "rituals", say a snack waiting for them (if I seem to always have to go to the bathroom first thing when I get home, the kids always seem to go to the kitchen) and we sit and chat and "regroup" if that makes any sense... But I think the predictability and familiarity of those exchanges definitely eases the transitions. THAT SAID, the following day seems to be spent testing those boundaries that seemed very clear previously, but I think it's really just part of the adjustment. Now, after 2 years, that period of adjustment is a lot shorter and I think it's because we ALL know how to deal with it in a more effective way.