stepdaughter won't stop trying to ruin my marriage
wantachange
10 years ago
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colleenoz
10 years agoRelated Discussions
My downstairs neighbors won't leave me alone! Help! (long post)
Comments (4)The situation may be too tense at this point, but could you ask the neighbor to call you with the plan to let them come inside your unit during a "stomping episode" to prove to them that sound travels and it's not coming from your unit? Ideally one of them could come upstairs and another could wait from within the unit. Or perhaps management could send one person to each unit and see how loud it really is (are expectations unreasonable?) and upstairs you will have a witness that normal movements are happening upstairs regardless of what they hear. If you have any travel plans, could you use this to your advantage to establish it as a fact that they are hearing noise from another unit? It's obvious they don't believe this. Anything for them to stop calling the police, because that is clearly not solving anything and is wasting city resources... what an awful wake-up call for you....See Moretroubled stepdaughter, eroding marriage
Comments (8)Hi, I'm sorry you are so troubled. I'm not a step parent, but I was a step kid and my Mom died when I was 10 years old. Dad remarried two years later. Don't expect her to "get over it", she will never get over the loss of her Mom. I'm 44 and I still have times I really miss my Mom. She will have many times in the future she will too, especially when she gets married, and has a baby. That being said,loosing her Mom gives her no excuse to be rude to you, or your husband. Set some rules down and tell her she is welcome at your home as long as she shows you both respect. Tell her you both know how much she misses her Mom and you just want to support her in any way you can, but that rudeness won't be tollerated in your home. She is an adult and can find another place to live if she doesn't want to play by your rules. Sounds like you all need a heart to heart, and Dad needs to do most of the talking. I agree she needs counseling, but she may have to come to a breaking point in her own life before she will seek it, and maybe she won't even then. However, you and your husband need counseling too. You two are a team, and if he's willing to get counseling he can learn to stand up to her. He should be doing that, and supporting you so your SD doesn't resent you for being the bad guy. Hang in there, things ought to get better. I just encourage you to try and find something good in her, and focus on that. It is incredibly hard for a girl to loose a Mom. I imagine it is even worse if she didn't have a good relationship with her. She probably has a lot of guilt. I love my step mom very much, but I've never felt like I measured up to her own kids. She isn't my "mommy" and never will be. We have a very nice relationship as a step mom and daughter, and she will always support me the best she knows how. I have learned to be thankful for that. I hope your SD is thankful for you some day too. I believe if you keep loving her in spite of herself it will work out. You are both loving her by giving her boundaries too, and not allowing her rude, selfish behavior....See MoreTrying to figure out how to be a good adult stepdaughter...
Comments (18)I don't see/smell any trace that OP is the other woman in her relationship with her father. I feel sorry for the father who lost so much joy with the family due to his insecure, control freak new wife. "Does your husband and his mother go to lunch and other leisure activities without including you? Would it be okay if they did?" - Why is it not OK? This question is beyond silly. In our family, we always have alone time with our parents and children. I still remember the wonderful time and conversation with my own father even it has been 40-50 years. HD was his mother's favorite, they always had private time together when we were on vacation visiting her. We also have great memory spending alone time with our own children in various countries and cities. southernsummer, do your own biological children spend alone time with you or your husband? If they do, does it make them the "other woman or man"? May be because I am the type of person who does not always remember my own birthday, I fail to see the big deal of spending time with your husband exact on your birthday, especially the daughter does not live with the father, and you live with him every single day of the year. Why cannot you find another day to celebrate? In your other posts it seems you have problem over Christmas gifts from your husband to his children. Again, I fail to understand the issues. In our own family we don't see children until Christmas break due to all of us have busy careers. We are so appreciative that they spend vacation and airfares, expenses coming home to see us ( they could well afford traveling to anywhere in the world if they want to). As always, we give high dollar gifts to indirectly compensate the expense they incur. If the once a year gifts impact your financial future, you need to have a serious discussion with your husband, otherwise, why interfere? Relationship between each parent and child is unique, it does not need to be according to others wishes/rules....See MoreTrying so hard to accept the stepdaughter
Comments (50)Rach01-- I disagree on the "selfish" part, but it's more a matter of semantics than the essence of the point you're making, which I do at least want to agree with. Im not writing this to be picky for no reason, just that I think the distinctions are really important. If we take away the heavily-loaded judgmental connotation of the word "selfish" and look at it just factually, then it's easier to acknowledge that wanting to be somebody's "first and only" IS, in fact, selfish. Because it is a desire inherently and explicitly about wanting to be the ONLY self that matters in a situation where there are other Âselves to consider. Just like when I want to be the only one at the birthday party to eat all of the super-delicious cake, it is selfish. Or when I want my boyfriend to think I'm the only attractive woman in the room (no: the world!) and never even glance at another woman, it is selfish. It doesn't mean I'm a horrible evil person for wanting these things, or that my desires are abnormal, but it must be acknowledged that these desires are in fact selfish. That has to be admitted not so I can sit around stewing in guilt for having these desires, but to be able to see them with realism and fairness and to make appropriate decisions based on that awareness and keep things in perspective. For example, it is just not realistic or fair that ONE person at a birthday party full of people should have ALL the cake (especially, of course, when it's not even your birthday party to begin with, but even when it is). It is not realistic or fair to expect that my boyfriend would never so much as notice another attractive woman. I may wish like hell that I could have all the cake (and I DO luv cake) and it may be acutely uncomfortable to know that my boyfriend finds another woman attractive. Still, it is reality that there are other people in the world, and other people in the given situation, and this requires active adjustment in not only behavior but thinking. Namely that you are not the only person in the world, or in the situation, and you just can't pretend you are, or spend too much time wishing you were, or you will have problems. The problem with the line of thinking "it's not selfish and there's nothing wrong with wishing your stepkids didn't exist" is that it's not a totally accurate statement and it divests a step-parent of any responsibility for active change; therefore accurate and appropriate decisions can't be made based on it. It comes from an inordinate fear of ever being wrong about anything, but the fact is everyone IS at times wrong about something. (And everyone is at times selfish, too.) And when you're wrong about something, you have to admit it or you will keep making mistakes and having problems. Whether or not you or others judge you harshly as a person about being wrong isnÂt the issue. The fact is, though, that there are many things wrong about wishing the first kids didn't exist. First of all, itÂs not reality: they do exist. Second of all, it easily turns into a bottomless desire; who else are you going to wish didn't exist? The MIL, the husband's whole family, the old friends, all other women and most other men? All of them take at least some small amount of time and attention away from YOU, after all. For every person you wish wasn't in the picture is a person who you will have to forcibly hold at bay, and that is enraging and exhausting, for everyone. Therefore it is a losing proposition, for everyone. Your husband was not born out if thin air and does not go through life completely solo. EVERYONE is a "package deal" because we all have connections to other people. somr of these connections are negotiable, but some aren't. Failure to accept this reality is in fact WRONG. And by "wrong" I don't mean "evil" or attach any moral significance to it (okay, maybe a little); but first and foremost "wrong" simply means "erroneous" and "not gonna help the situation any". The more useful statement to say to a step-parent who wishes they didn't have to share their spouse with step-kids is: "It IS selfish to wish your step-kids didn't exist and there ARE several things wrong with this desire, not least of which that it is impossible to fulfill; it doesn't make you an evil person for having this desire, but it requires active effort on your part to counteract it and adjust, or else you and everyone around you will have problems. Because yes, you do have to share because no, you are not the first and only." Pretty much: what is told (rightly so) to step-kids when they get a new step-parent. I agree with you that the *actions*, *words* and *behaviors* expressed outwardly as a result of the feelings are the most important determinants of whether to judge a person negatively on their selfishness. It doesn't change the fact that their desires ARE selfish but it determines how much harm this goes on to cause. It is a measure of just how far the selfishness is permitted to express itself or even take over the situation, unchallenged and without necessary adjustment. My big thing (which I tend to repeat on here a lot) is try to focus your anger/upset on the person's behavior, not the fact that they have the feelings in the first place. That is, I tend to say that to parents as regards their kids (i.e. bratty *behavior* resulting from *feelings* of fear of loss or feeling replaced.) I admit I don't always think of it this way as regards the behavior vs. feelings of a step-parent (i.e. try not to judge a step-parent harshly for having FEELINGS that they wish the kids didn't exist, but focus your upset on their resulting actions or behavior), but that is true too. If there's any uneven-ness or bias in my thinking on that point (which I'm sure there is), I suppose it is based on three factors: 1. step-parents (or potential step-parents) have a choice as to whether or not to enter the blended family and kids (of any age) do not have the choice as to whether they have a step-parent; 2. it is less reasonable to wish away someone who was in the situation (family) before you were; and 3. step-kids automatically have to adjust ---mentally, emotionally, domestically, financially, logistically---- because you exist; they have to "share" their parent with you, so why shouldn't you have to adjust and share? If a step-child has negative feelings towards you or even selfishly wishes you werenÂt on the scene ---whether or not they express these--- they are often deemed bratty, jealous, spiteful and/or disrespectful and told they need to get over it; why shouldnÂt you, in the same circumstances and with similar feelings? Fairness should be the principle, but even still.... At the end of the day, for the above reasons, I think step-parents have more choice, control and hence responsibility for their feelings and actions in the stepfamily than do step-children, and I hereby admit that bias. I said above that I WANT to be able to agree with you that it's not the step-parent's thoughts or feelings that should be relevant but the way they behave towards the stepchildren. After all, like I said, I say that a lot regarding step-*children* and their behavior. But then there's that stubborn, nagging fact that we've discussed on here before, all of us from different roles/perspectives, that we all tend to just KNOW when someone else is feeling one way but acting another way. And it's kinda impossible to completely ignore that. I wish it was *completely* possible to simply have the selfish feelings inside but behave otherwise outwardly and achieve harmony and happiness in the stepfamily this way. I think if that were possible there would be very little stepfamily conflict. Or conflict in general. Everyone would be secretly wishing everyone else would just go away but no one would have ANY CLUE of this or be reading one another's actions searching for evidence of duplicity or manipulation or wrong-doing. So on the surface level everyone would be getting along swimmingly and even having a blast, but there would be this whole other subterranean universe of resentment boiling under the surface that would exist completely independently and have absolutely no bearing on anything. As long as that surface level of nice and compliant and cooperative outward behavior was maintained, nothing would ever go wrong. But let's face it, we all know that doesn't really happen. At least not for long. Or it happens, like with these Jekyll/Hyde-like John Wayne Gacy personalities who are like the town clown and are completely capable of concealing their feelings 100% but then they go and carve up little boys in their basement. Like, as an ÂoutletÂ, or something. So is it even desirable to feel one way but try to conceal it 100%? Is this an effective long-term strategy? Does it usually lead to good results? In think we should all try to be diplomatic and polite, mutually-respectful, empathetic and considerate as much as possible. But knowing that if, at the end of the day, one or more people in the situation just donÂt want to share or want to be the ONLY one, there will only be so much control of true feelings, all around. I WANT to be able to wholeheartedly agree with what you're saying and in many ways I do, but up to a point. And that's the point that tends to "get" us all. Most of us just CAN'T totally hide our feelings. And if some of us are actually able to, then it tends to be a whole Ânother set of problems, often extremely serious problems. What do we do with the dangling bits?...See MoreShey02
10 years agostepmomofthree
9 years agosylviatexas1
9 years agonzmom89
7 years agolast modified: 7 years agoJulia weber
5 years agoVERONICA DUQUE
9 months agoRobert Dishong
5 months agocolleenoz
4 months ago
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