how long do we have to take the high road?

19 years ago

Ok so we go to court again to get CS reduced ... wants it reduced has no money to do anything with kids can't take them anywhere blah blah blah... and if she had more money would see her children more ... ok so judge agrees as does hubby ... on the grounds she takes the children more ... out of the last 4 visits with her children ... she cancelled one, took them for 4 hours on another(picked them up at 430pm drop off at 830pm on a school night and didnt have anything to eat so at 9 pm I was making dinner for 3 hungry children), ... was 3 hours late, and today she is busy can't pick them up. Fathers who pay child support do not get deductions for saying I want to be with my kids more, I am having a hard time understanding this. She owes over $10,000 in back support and nothing. Her brother owed $3000 and they suspended all of his licenses. If it were the other way around hubby would be paying and seeing his every friday to sunday like all other ncps. Does she get away with this because she is female? She can't afford to pay her CS but she can go into court every 6 months to get a change of visitation or support. We keep track of times and days useless they don't even look at it .. she says I want to see my kids more but her job prevents her. Every other "mother" in the real world fixes their work schedule around their children She arranges her children around her work schedule. The children have meltdowns when she disappoints them and we have to deal with it ... taking the high road sucks

how do you answer these questions with out saying your mom is useless...

why cant mommy pick us up?

why is mommy late?

can you be at the bus stop in case mommy doesnt show up!

mommy says she pays support so you have to feed us before we go to her house!

mommy says she pays support so daddy has to buy us anything we want!

mommy doesnt have any food can we bring some with us?

mommy said for you to give us money for (whatever)!

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Comments (12)

sweeby
19 years ago
I feel for you Cawfe...

How long do you have to take the high road?
-- Forever, if you can. I've read your other posts, and know you're a good parent with good judgement who wants what's best for all the kids.

How long do you have to be BioMom's doormat?
-- Only as long as you decide to. BioMom's going too far and you know it. You're being abused.

How can you walk the fine line between taking the high road and being BioMom's doormat?
First off, how much can you afford in terms of feeding the kids and buying them the things they need? And does BioMom's job pay enough for her to live on? (That's not the ONLY factor, but it's one to consider.) If you can afford it, and she's struggling, I'd say just do it. It's one less thing to worry about, and sometimes it's less stressful to assume you *won't* have any help than to worry about whether you might. Send the kids to BioMom's with a 'sack lunch' so they have something to eat. Buy them what they need to the extent you're able. When it comes to 'wants', do what you think is fair and right without regard to BioMom. When you reach the limit of what you can afford or what you feel is fair, simply say "That's all we can do right now. Maybe your mom can help." -- Every kid needs limits.

When they ask where she is, answer that she's at work. When they ask why she's late, answer that she's at work. When they ask why she doesn't have any food, answer that she's at work and didn't go grocery shopping. When they ask what happens to 'all that child support' that Mommy pays, answer that it's all been used up a long time ago buying groceries, paying for the house, school, doctors, and all of their other expenses.

I'd normally suggest you try to work out an agreement with BioMom that spells out who will feed the kids when -- but given her history, that's probably not realistic. How about the next time she drags you into court (expecting it'll happen again) you bring along a proposal along the lines of "Whoever has the kids at 6:00 pm feeds them dinner. Whoever has them at 12:00 noon feeds them lunch." I'd bet the judge would sign it -- not feeding your children is something courts tend to take seriously.

On the bus stop issue - Yikes! Are the kids old enough to have a cell phone? And how far is the bus stop? Leaving her kids at the stop is neglect and endangerment -- also not something the courts take lightly.

Sorry your SKid's BioMom is such a mess...
organic_maria
19 years ago
Very difficult and trying situation. Here's my ideas....have a family sit down and explain to the kids what child support is and that her mother is not to use it as an excuse. THey need to be on the up and up . Be truthful. The kids will realize their mother is a complete loser.

how do you answer these questions with out saying your mom is useless...
why cant mommy pick us up?

Answer: I cannot give you that answer. Only your mother knows that. Please ask her.

why is mommy late?
Again, ask your mother

can you be at the bus stop in case mommy doesnt show up!
That one is difficult. I would make a back up plan with your hubby for this one in case the loser doesn't show up.
Agree on a plan and speak to the kids about it. oh yah, and charge the mother with abondonment and child abuse.

mommy says she pays support so you have to feed us before we go to her house!
No, child support is no excuse. Explain them that their mother is their mother and if she doesn't feed them it is not right. Call their mother and file for child abuse everytime this happens. EVERYTIME! GET IT THROUGH HER SKULL
mommy says she pays support so daddy has to buy us anything we want!
No child support is given to your dad and he decides not your mother. Have afamily sit down on this. Lay the rules down to all the kids and be strict.

mommy doesnt have any food can we bring some with us? Do not let them go over when she has no food. Charge her with child abuse.
mommy said for you to give us money for (whatever)! No. my money is mine. I've earned it. i decide where it goes. Not your mother or you. When you get older and get a job you can do whatever you want with your money.

how long do we have to take the high road? For as long as it takes. Its not the kids fault but you need to set really strict guidelines for these kids. They may not like it at the bigging but in the long run they will appreciate it.
Its too bad their mother is like that.very sad.
But you are doing a great job taking care of them. Keep your head up.
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coolmama
19 years ago
Dang,I got mad reading this post! You are absolutely right it isnt fair! If she was a man,she would have her liscense suspended or be in jail.For a country that degrades women in alot of aspects,I cant believe the sexism towards men when it comes to children.I would never believe it if I hadnt married a man who went through much of the same crap.
You deserve an award for hanging in there!
cawfecup
Original Author
19 years ago
In her twisted mind there is nothing wrong with having them eat before they get to her house...

And I don't have a problem packing them food to bring ... guess my point is she doesn't even appreciate it .. she demands/expects it.

Its not the kids fault I have never blamed them it just sucks that we have to answer the questions.

The money isn't that big of a deal its more a point because that is all she cares about is money if she had to pay $25.00 a week it would get under her skin.

Our response to most of the questions is ... She's at work ask her when you see her.

And when the kids ask about money we say do you have everything you "need" answer __ but I "want" when you have a job you can get what you want until then you get what you "need" but I "want" then "earn it".

The bus stop is 3 houses away ... I check the mail at the same time the bus is coming so not to look like i am checking to see if she is there, but I am there if she isn't

She doesn't sse anything wrong in what she does. I send notes back and forth with the kids and a calendar so she can write down the days and times she will pick them up. Its our communication journal.

She called at 930 last night to talk to the kids (bedtime is 830) and to ask if she can change days and have it done by court order so she can be released from work ... if its a court order they can't schedule me on those days .. we were in court 2 weeks ago!! why didn't you ask then so now she got her reduction in child support on the grounds she would take the children more... now she wants to change visitation so she sees them less...

I have told hubby i feel like a daycare worker ... I have the kids from 8 am to 5pm until a parent comes home or picks them up and they get dropped back off at 8 am.

can it be put in court orders who ever has them at 9 12 and 6 must feed them breakfast lunch or dinner??
jenny_alabama
19 years ago
This woman is nothing more than trash...this stuff makes me furious. My advice - which most people will probably not agree with is: tell these kids the truth. Do not sugar coat it, do not make excuses, do not tell them to ask their mother, because IF by chance they do, she will lie. These kids are counting on you and your husband to be honest. If you want your child to be an honest adult, be honest with them. The mother is the one doing this to the children...she does not deserve to be their mother. Past experience for my husband...his ex did pretty much did the same things, she was doing everything she could to turn the kids against their father..at the time my husband did not know that..it worked. After years of (from 3 and 12 to now 15 and 24),"bad-mouthing" - she has won. If you ask my husband right now what he should have done...he would tell you: "Tell the kids the truth" - if their mother is saying bad things and doing bad things, do not ignore it and say "well I am the better person for not talking about their mother" - you are not talking about their mother - you are defending your self. Your kids have to know what kind of person you really are, and when they hear negativity from their BM, and they hear lies from their BM, and when they ask you for the truth and do not get it...who do you think in the end will lose? You will. If the mother is sorry...tell them. Not so much in that way, but there are ways to let them know that their mother is at blame...these kids will blame someone. They need to know that what their mother is doing is wrong. You can still encourage them to love her, but if they choose not to like her - that is ok also. Honesty and self respect...defend yourself to your kids, or they will believe everything their mother is telling them about the only stable parents they know - you.
cawfecup
Original Author
19 years ago
In my opinion they already don't like her ... why does the judge make us go to mommy's house?

the 9 yr old is allergic to dogs she went out and bought a dog and said he can take medication if he is allergic. Who is going to pay for the dr visit and medication? we are!

she worries about her money and herself... the kids are an afterthought.

I asked hubby after she bought the dog ... she can't afford to feed the kids but she has money to buy a dog and feed it? take it to a vet? get medication ? and we are packing lunches buying dinner paying all medical expenses? BM told him "its the only way I can get them to come over they don't want to be here"

Hubby doesn't want to tell them the truth he is afraid they will hate her. I think they know whats going on they just want answers instead of having to figure it out by themselves.
sweeby
19 years ago
I'm sure you've seen it here before, but buy the book 'Divorce Poison' and read it cover to cover. Now admittedly, the issues it's designed primarily to address aren't the ones you're having, but what this book does exceptionally well is explain how and why to "tell the truth" while still "taking the high road" and "not being a doormat."

For example, telling the kids their mother is selfish, a lousy mother, and doesn't care about them may seem like the truth to you. (I can understand why.) But that certainly won't help the kids. And telling them nothing while continuing to seethe with well-deserved frustration won't help them OR you. But there IS something you can tell them that is true, that helps them understand their mother's behavior, and that puts the responsibility for their mother's actions and decisions back on their mother. I'm not sure exactly what that is, but I'm betting the book will help you figure it out.

So Cawfee, what kind of job does BioMom have? Is it a career-track to a high-powered high-paying job that requires an investment but should 'pay off' eventually? A dead-end low-paying job that works her into the ground and where she has little control? Or just an excuse to pawn her kids off onto you?
cawfecup
Original Author
19 years ago
I bought and read about half of divorce poison I learned I can't chnage he only how I deal with her

She is a manager at a retail electronics store and real estate broker
nothing to high powered

I am not at her beck and call these days ... i have put it on hubby to be here when she needs to drop them off ahead of scheduled time or when she is going to be late I come up with something "i have to do"
coolmama
19 years ago
She needs to feed those kids.If they are spending the night there,it IS her responsibility! You would think since she doesnt have them that much,that she'd want to do something motherly for them like cook a good meal. It is such a sad affair when a mother cares so little about her own children. Sorry I dont have more advice,I'm just appauled at women who act like this.
cawfecup
Original Author
19 years ago
So sunday afternoon she calls at 4:40 pm supposed to be here at 4:30 "make sure they eat and tell them not to expect anything at my house I don't have anything" ... I'll be there at 5:30pm ... I had made soup sent them with a care package again ... calls again at 8 pm says ... I have to work for the next 9 days straight so I won't be able to see the kids .... convienent vacation week. She called again monday afternoon ... at 4 babbling about how the kids don't hug her or tell her they love her anymore ... some how during the conversation it comes out that she has the day off ... I say "if you have today off and won't have another for 9 days why don't you pick up the kids today?" she says "i gotta go" end of conversation.

I am done with answering the phone ... it could ring off the hook and the kids wouldn't answer it so I won't either.

what is it ... some of you call it ... disengage? I don't know how much more I can stay out of it. with out telling this woman where to go. If she were my sister or friend I would have already given her a piece of my mind.

if it were the other way around ... she would be flipping out if hubby didnt pick up the kids.
sweeby
19 years ago
Sounds like it's gone waaay beyond mere laziness and not wanting to be 'bothered' with the kids...

Is there a mental health issue like depression or anxiety disorder? Is she perhaps afraid to spend too much time with her kids in case she 'ruins' them in some way?

What does your husband say?
cawfecup
Original Author
19 years ago
Nothing diagnosed ... I could say she is a crazy B... but it wouldn't do me any good.
From what I understand after she had the 3rd one she couldn't handle it anymore they are only 3 years apart 11, 9, 8 and found every excuse to get out of the house. And I can understand wanting to get out having 3 under 3 but she never came back ...

speculation post partum turned into narcissism...

how long do we have to take the high road?

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