This is a totally dumb question

18 years ago

but it bugged DH so I thought I would ask. I guess I expected it to go this way so it doesn't really bug me.

For the big b-day party last weekend mom stayed in the hotel and ate the room service I payed for . . . I even ordered her the pizza she wanted rather than the one the girls wanted. I also bought all the snacks (and a bottle of wine for us!) as well as make up bags with polish, files, foot and body creams, face wash, foot massagers, etc. in them for each girl (including mom). She did not offer to chip in at all. This party cost the equivalent of 2 months support, but we made the choice to spend that and I don't expect her to split the cost of things we made the choice to do.

So my dumb question - were you mom in this situation would you have at least offered to pay for your pizza, chip in for the room or . . . .? I wouldn't have taken money if she had, but DH was really ticked that she didn't at least try.

Thoughts?

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Comments (12)

finedreams
18 years ago
if she was invited to a party maybe she fell that offering to pay would be offensive to you? I cannot stand people trying to offer money when they were invited. unless she is going to participate in similar parties every month I would let it go.
mistihayes
18 years ago
As her mom, I would have went 50/50. I would have felt it was my place to do it if my daughter was having a good time. I don't think she was wrong because she didn't offer, but that's what I would have done. I would have definetly not let you have paid for everything. I wouldn't have enjoyed myself. I would have felt guilty eating the food & drinking the wine. That's why I like paying for my own stuff. I can eat as much or drink as much as I want without hesitation, I'm paying for it. I would have said I'll get the room if you get the food, something along those lines. Especially if my daughter was having a great time with her friends. It would have been worth it just to see her smile that big.
Now the other way around, if I were in your shoes, I probably would have said, "No, I got it all, but thanks for offering" if she would have offered. I think you're a great mom & lady for doing what you did. You should pat yourself on the back.
Did your DH want you to spend as much as you did? Did you go over budget in his opinion? If so, I could see him being a little annoyed that BM didn't pitch in.
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imamommy
18 years ago
As a mom, if my child's step mom tried to pay for everything for my child's birthday party, I would have felt like a bum. It's MY child, I should pay for it. But, then again, if I didn't plan it and was just a guest, I would still feel that I should pay 'something' because it's my child. But, that's just me. I am not comfortable letting others pay for me. At the very least, it should be half.
june0000
18 years ago
The polite thing is to always at least offer to pay some portion of the cost. Especially since this was for her daughter.

But she may not have thought that was necessary if she gave her daughter a nice gift, and if you were acting as hostess, taking care of the arrangements, etc.

It is hard to say. But probably best to forget it as it sounds like a lot of good came out of the party.
sylviatexas1
18 years ago
can't remember how it all came about, but it sounds like she was a guest, & the host(ess) pays for guests.

I wouldn't expect any guest to pay for anything, & I'd pat myself on the back for being a very nice hostess if I let my guest(s) choose the pizza.

(Tell hubs to be immensely grateful that it went so well & to count his blessings!)
finedreams
18 years ago
I think that since party went well remembering that she doesn't pay will only spoil the impression of a nice party. If she was invited and paying wasn't mentioned, you shouldn't expect her to pay.
hecallsmemom
18 years ago
You didn't have to even invite her, let alone wine and dine her! She should have paid for her stuff in the very least, if not half the party. If my son's SM asked me to come to his party she'd planned, I'd feel akward not paying for half of the party.

You JNM are a true lady, strong, considerate, and giving. Congratulate yourself!
oh_my
18 years ago
Didn't you all go out previosly in the day for pedicures? Did you pay for yours, or did BM foot that bill? If she paid for that part of the celebration, then I can see not kicking in for the part you planned, but if you paid your own way earlier, if I were her, I would have at least got the pizza when it came or something like that.

Anyway, it seemed like you had a pretty good time, so I would hope you can get your DH to just let it go. What's done is done, and in the big scheme of things, it was probably a small price to pay for getting closer to a good relationship with BM...one that most of us can't even conceive dreaming of.
justnotmartha
Original Author
18 years ago
We did go out and I paid my own way which was just fine.

I really don't care about the money as I would have spent it all (except the pizza) anyway so it wasn't a big deal. I think DH just gets mad because we are always giving and giving and trying with mom and she takes and takes but never reciprocates.

I am so pleased that it appears to have brought us closer so I think it was all money well spent. I know SD was tickled pink at having us together, so it was REALLY well spent. I'm just chalking it up to some people having more "social grace" than others and calling it good. It's nice to hear that you all agreed with our point of view.

Thanks for the kudos everyone - you make my day!
sylviatexas1
18 years ago
Did she "foot the bill" for pedicure...
snork!
justnotmartha
Original Author
18 years ago
Geez - walked right past that. HA!
oh_my
18 years ago
I'm really not that witty...it was accidental humor:)

This is a totally dumb question

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finedreams

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This is a totally dumb question

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