There's no reason for you to be caught in the middle of this.
(The middle is where crossfire always strikes.)

This is her father's responsibility.

If he can't be disturbed at work, mom should either call daughter's cell, not yours, or call after daughter's father is home for the evening.

& he's the one who should deliver the news if his daughter doesn't want to talk to her mother.

I do agree that DH should be the one to call mom, and it sounds like SD has a *valid* reason for not wanting to talk. I don't think SD should be forced into calling, but encouraged to call and let mom know why she's upset and not returning calls. Having said that, I have a SD who is terrified to cross mom at all so I understand how hard that simple task can be.

Why is it mom calls your cell? Do you have a land line?

justnotmartha,

We do not have a land line. We both have cell phones though, and bm has had my dh's # since they were married-has not changed #'s. But, for some reason, she always choses to call mine-never dh's. Not sure why she does that, dh never told her she had to only call mine. But one day sd was out with me and bm called dh's cell, he gave her my cell # and ever since she just calls my cell. We do not need a house phone because we both have pretty big packages for our cells and are not getting one just so bm can call it. If she wants to call sd directly she is more than welcome to purchase a cell phone for sd and pay the bill.

Dh called bm the other night to tell her about sd's reason for not returning calls. BM cried and yelled at dh that it is his fault and we are turning her dd against her! He told her that she was doing it through her broken promises and she should grow up and act like a mom! She yelled nonsense and hung up. I have no idea what is in that womans head, but it sure does not seem like any brains or sense!

You dont have a landline? Does DH take his cell when he goes to work and leaves SD at home. I think that can be construed as limiting phone access to SD in and of itself. How old is SD? Do you ever step out of the house? How could she call fire department if necessary?

KKNY- So many people in 2008 do not have landlines. This is NOT a foreign concept. As the CP it is their responsibility to pass along messages and to encourage SD to call BM back. I do not think that this should be forced though. I think that if I were JNM I would present SD with two options: 1) call BM back and tell her what she is upset about, or 2) write BM a letter telling her why she is upset and not interested right now in calling her. JNM is doing the right thing by explaining to SD that returning messages, even ones that you don't feel like returning, is the right way to behave. BM should understand that SD is upset for her empty promises. As far as JNM handling the communications, BM probably calls SM because SD is usually with her. SM is an authority figure and a parent. That should not be minimized. I don't think that SM should be calling BM back, this is DH's job, but I think that its ok for SM to talk with SD about the phone calls.

I realize a lot of people do not have landlines, but I really question it for people with children, particularly children of divorced parents. This leaves the child with no phone to walk over to when he/she has time to make call. If Dad is at work, does child have to ask SM to use her phone to call her mom?

In any event, DH is the parent and should step up to the plate.

again kkny, does it matter if the child asks DH or SM to call the other parent? The answer should be the same regardless of who is asked. If it's a reasonable time, then sure call. If it's during a meal, then you'll have to wait until later, but sure you can call. The only problem that I could see is if a SM says no because they don't like the BM or they are playing control games. and in our house, it wouldn't really matter, she still has to ask me if her dad is at work. The only land line I have is connected to my fax machine and she can't just use the phone whenever she wants, she still has to ask (even when dad is home). Teenagers may be a little different but mine still ask or at least let me know they are going to be on the phone. It's common courtesy.

Ima, the problem is when the system isnt working (ie phone calls not being made) then the parent (Dad) has to step up to the plate. If the system is working, then no problem.

I think when a child doesnt live with both his parents, the child should have phone access to call parents. Otherwise the calls wont get made. I think the situation with no or limited land line (eg dedicated fax line) are bordering on limiting phone calls. Wasnt one or your rules, Ima, not to limit phone calls.

First, they aren't MY rules. They were written by professionals (Marriage & Family Therapists) and I think it's important to allow calls. If you pay attention to my posts, one of my biggest problems with BM is that her DD calls her and gets her voice mail. BM never calls her back. When SD gets home from school, usually the first thing I do is dial her mom's number and give her the phone. If she gets through, I don't limit how long they talk, BM usually finds a reason she has to go. Now, BM has told SD that she will give SD a cell phone. Not an active cell phone, she wants to give her an old cell phone and told her to have daddy turn it on for her. He said no, the phone she wants him to activate is with another service provider and he doesn't think an 8 year old needs a cell phone. (IMO, I think she knew he'd say no but wanted DH to look like the big meanie that always says no)

We do not have a landline phone because we do not need one. We are not paying $30 a month for a phone line "in case" bm decides to call-which is not often! She does not even pay cs and we are supposed to do extras for her? Sd is not limited in phone access. Her friends call my cell for her and she often uses my cell to make calls. My dh usually gets home around dinner time so my cell is the one sd mostly uses. Same with my dd.

Never has bm called and sd not been made aware of the call. Sometimes she answers the phone and other times she gets the message. Neither my sd or dd are ever home alone, just does not happen. When they are older we may get them a cell for emergencies. Right now it just is not a necessity.

If bm wants to have more access to her dd she is welcome to pick her up anytime, but she is always "too busy". If bm does not like the phone access her dd has she is welcome to provide dd with a cell and pay the bill for it! My dh and I do EVERYTHING for my sd and take all responsibility for financial obligations, so we are not adding on extras to make bm happy.

If it were ever to go to court phone records would prove that calls to bm have been made from my cell plenty of times. As far as court orders, there is no part that discusses court ordered phone calls. And nobody is limiting my sd from calling her bm. If she was to ask at a reasonable time (not late at night or during homework or dinner time) she would be allowed to call.

Maybe if bm took a little more interest in seeing her dd then dd would want to talk to her?

Sorry kkny, you can not blame sd's disinterest in bm on sm here!

With all due respect, it should not be up to SM to let SD call mom. By not providing a phone, you are not allowing spontaneous calls. Children are by nature spontaneous.

I think the point is SD doesn't WANT to talk to BM right now because she's feeling hurt by her actions, not that she CAN'T call her...

Sieryn, I understand that but children change, and when I hear no landline, what happens when child wants to call.

I have to agree that children do not need to ask a permission to make phone calls. the only time they may ask if phone calls are very long distance, ex. international, or if they plan extremelly long phone calls like an hour late. other than that they should just call. even in cases of long distance rules could changed when it is about the other parent.

DD used to sometimes ask if she can call dad because she called international and sometimes she wasn't sure if there is a minute limit or such. I didn't want her to feel like she needed a permission, so I established for her that unless she was to talk for more than an hour she doesn't have to ask, she can just go and dial and talk. I also made sure that on those few ocassions when i was switching international plans I told her: "I turned off old plan and a new plan is going to be turned on tomorrow. So since I do not have any long distance plans at this minute, could you please wait to call dad until tomorrow." But it only happened few times total. Same with X. When she was with him she could call me any time.

kids have to have 100% access to the phone to call their parents. I do not remember myself asking my parents if I can use a phone. especially if want to call the other parent. Even if you think the other parent is awful, you still need to provide access to the phone. It is up to the kid to determine if their parents are awful or not.

I think it would be a great idea for NCP to provide a cell phone at their expense for the child. Then they can call when they want. I see no reason why the CP should be responsible for paying extra so the NCP can talk. (land line or cell phone)

and kkny, a couple of years ago, SD got the land line phone and took it in her room without telling anyone (me) as her dad was at work. She knew BM's phone number and decided she was going to call BM (she also called her grandparents- both sets). Then, DH called me on my cell phone to ask me why is SD calling her mom. I told her I didn't have SD call her mom and I found SD in the room with the phone. I thought she was in her room playing or reading. I guess BM was annoyed that SD called her and she called DH to complain that SD is calling her and that we should take the phone away from her so she will stop bugging her. So, kkny I guess her 'spontaneous' calls were annoying the mom so who am I to stop her?

(and that's probably why BM won't get her a cell phone, she knows SD will call her constantly and she doesn't want to be bothered.)

Stepmoms, STEP out of this battlefield!

You have enough responsibility without taking on everybody else's;
leave this responsibility to the people to whom it belongs.

Daughter doesn't want to talk to her mom-
that's between her & dad & mom.

Getting embroiled in stuff that husband should be dealing with will *train* husband to step outside his problems & look to you to handle them,
it'll teach his children that they can manipulate you & use you as a weapon against whichever parent they're unhappy with,
it'll brew big trouble between you & hubs's ex (do *not* engage in power struggles with anybody's mother, you'll lose even if mom is a drug-dealing stripper who locks the children in the gorilla cage at the zoo when it's her week-end),
it will not make you or anybody else happy or fulfilled, &, it'll *never* solve any problem, it'll just put the problem on your plate for the rest of your life.

Even if (or maybe especially if) the relationship between ex & *anybody in your house* is rocky or iffy or belligerant or manipulative, *stay out of this*.

Next time this mom calls your #, act like you're lost at sea & you don't have a clue, & say gee you wish you could help & give her her ex's #.

Next time stepdaughter whines that she doesn't want to talk to her mom, *no matter what the reason*, look sweet & sympathetic & tell her to talk to her dad.

Smile & look pretty & get out of the crossfire.

been there, done that, paid for everybody's tee shirt & they used 'em to wash the car.

helpwiththis, I don't think it's up to your husband to decide if his daughter should call her mom. (and it's certainly not up to you) It's up to the daughter to deal with her mom. Give her the messages and the phone or have her dad give her the phone when he gets home, but the child needs to tell her mom that she doesn't feel like talking, if that's how she feels. If my son were at his dad's and I called and anybody but my son told me he didn't want to talk to me, I would think they were trying to keep me from my son, whether that's true or not. Her mom needs to hear it from her and as hard as it may be for her, it's the right thing to do. Hiding behind you or her dad is not going to teach her to speak up for herself. and sylvia is right, stay out of the crossfire, you will end up the scapegoat.

"I think it would be a great idea for NCP to provide a cell phone at their expense for the child. Then they can call when they want. I see no reason why the CP should be responsible for paying extra so the NCP can talk. (land line or cell phone)"

I agree. Why can't the NCP provide a cell phone for her daughter's use? That would also eliminate the issue of "are you giving her my messages?" also as she could call her daughter directly and/or leave a message with confidence that her daughter would be receiving them (without third party interference, etc.). Sounds like a good idea to me!!!!

oh com'n, do you seriously think that the only solution for NCP is to buy a cell phone for a young child (children of age 8 don't need a cell phone) so they can call their kids? I can't imagine telling X: DD doesn't have phone available for her in my house so you have to buy her a phone so she can call you when she is with me. It does sound kind of mean and ridicilous.

from what I remember, OP's SD is 13. I could be wrong but I think that's what she said before? How old is the child helpwiththis?

'Why can't the NCP provide a cell phone for her daughter's use?'

Then they would be taking over CP's duties. The fact is, if you are the CP you have big responsibilities to fill. Including fostering a relationship with your child and the NCP.

Sylvia hit it dead on IMO.

I also agree with finedreams. I can't imagine asking permission to call your own parents.

I also can't imagine not having a landline. When I was single and didn't have a child, I only had a cell. But, since having a child it is just too difficult to not have a landline. If I want to hire a babysitter to come to my home, I want to make sure that they have a way to call out and I really think it is a safety issue as if there is a fire or someone breaking into your home....all you have to do is call 911 and they should be able to pull up your address immediately.

What I am trying to say is sd is not restricted on her phone use. She is able to use the cell phones whenever she pleases. Just because we have cell phones instead of a landline does not mean that the kids are somehow deprived of talking to NCP. My dd talks to her dad regularly on the cell and if sd wanted to she could talk to bm regularly. We are not getting a landline, we do not need it. And even if we had a landline the girls would be expected to ask permission before making phonecalls to friends, family, etc. I always had to ask permission to make phone calls as a child and I did not grow up and have to go to therapy over it...lol!

Anyways, the problem I posted about was that sd DOES NOT WANT TO TALK TO HER BM! I did not post asking about if me and dh should go pay more $ each month and get a landline to accommodate bm.

Thanks to those who gave me useful advice!

I wouldnt want my DD to go over to a friends house where there was no landline. What if they had to call 911? They have to go look for a cell. I some friends without landlines, but they do not have children.

If you think of an 8 year old having a cell phone in terms of taking it to school and text messaging their friends - then yes, it does sound ridiculous. If you think of an 8 year old having a cell phone sitting on his bedside table, designated for making and receiving calls to/from his mother - then it doesn't sound that ridiculous to me...

I personally don't see why the mother would not want to contribute to a cell phone for her daughter to utilize in order to telephone her... Not only does she then have 100% accessibility of phoning her mother, but her mother has 100% accessibility to her as well. As an added plus, the matter of relaying messages to the child is resolved.

helpwiththis,

I believe Sylvia gave you the best advice. This is your DH's issue to make sure that this is getting done.

And when you say that you had to ask permission to make calls to family and friends and didn't need therapy, were you in a blended family situation? I think a lot of the times some people do not know how difficult it is with every single issue a blended family goes through.

From another perspective, I don't know your relationship with your SD, however there SK's who realize that SP's and BP's have strained relations without even being told that they do. The SK might not want to ask to have to call the BP b/c of this, they don't want to disrupt the peace.

"Then they would be taking over CP's duties. The fact is, if you are the CP you have big responsibilities to fill. Including fostering a relationship with your child and the NCP."

It is the CP's duties to provide a cell phone? I hardly think that is a necessity! Food, clothing, love and a home (to name but a few) are necessities - providing a cell phone is not one of them. There are two parents involved in this situation, why is it unfathomable that the NCP provide a luxury item for the child's benefit which in turn benefits her as well?

Yes, it is the CP's duties to foster a relationship between the NCP and child. I did not say that they CP had to provide a cell phone, but if the NCP *had* to do it to talk to their child b/c there were problems in the custodial parents home with phone access, then CP is plainly not doing their job!

If the NCP wants to do it, fine. But in the case of the NCP not doing it, there shouldn't be *ANY* problem whatsoever with the NCP being able to talk to their child.

buying a cell phone designated to making phone calls to just one person is unreasonable.

"What if they had to call 911? They have to go look for a cell"

I know many people who can't find their cordless landline phones half the time! And like I said, my sd and dd are not left home alone!

Nivea,

Yes, I was in a blended family. When I lived with my bm and sd I had to ask to make phone calls. I never thought of it as a big deal. And as for sd wanting to keep the peace, I don't think that is the reason for not talking to bm. Bm has done tons of awful things to their relationship and I think that sd is getting to the age now where she has seen so much disappointment from bm that she no longer wants to make excuses for bm. She is sadly starting to see bm for what kind of a mom she is.

I do like the advice of seperating myself from situation and letting dh deal with his ex. I am going to refer her to dh when she calls me from now on asking anything.

helpwiththis,

I think referring to BM to DH is a good idea. You will have a lot less stress and you should not have to deal with it anyway.

"buying a cell phone designated to making phone calls to just one person is unreasonable."

And if her mother was the one paying for it then she could give permission to her daughter to use it to call whomever she wishes!!

Okay, in reviewing my posts I realized that I've somewhat lost my initial objective!! My original issue was why does the CP always have to feather the path to a child/NCP relationship? Why can't the NCP actually help work to foster a relationship with her child herself (e.g., which was the reason for my cell phone rant)? Yes, the CP should never deter a relationship with the NCP and the CP should promote the relationship for the wellbeing of the child, however, why are the NCPs unable to contribute to their own relationship with the child? Why are the CPs always blamed when a NCP doesn't have a spectacular relationship with their own offspring?

I think access to a phone is critical. Having to ask to use a cell just doesnt sound right to me.

Posted by nivea (My Page) on
Fri, Feb 15, 08 at 15:38

"Yes, it is the CP's duties to foster a relationship between the NCP and child"

No, it's the NCP's job to build their own relationship with their child. That's not to say the CP can interfere, they can't but the responsibility belongs to the NCP. My kids' father's have been out of their lives since they were born and have only recently come into their life. It's not MY job to foster a relationship for them. They can call each other and if I didn't provide a cell phone for them, they can provide one themselves. (my son went and got his own plan when he turned 18, but my daughter uses the one I've provided since she was 15) I don't limit or deny contact but it's NOT my job to foster a relationship, it's theirs!

and in regard to my SD, DH and I don't limit her phone calls and we actually encourage them but her mom doesn't foster her own relationship, that's HER problem. If she doesn't answer her phone or call back, that's on her. I know the situation here is a BM that is trying to talk to her DD, but it's not up to the father or SM to foster that relationship, they only need to allow contact and not interfere with BM's attempts. They can tell her to call her mom but they can't make the child WANT to talk to her mom.

Well KKNY if we had a landline sd would still need permission to use the phone. So it does not matter. And sd has no problem asking to call friends from cell! So she has access to a phone.

Don't you think that seeing your child is also critical? Maybe even more so that phone calls? We do not keep bm from visiting her child, she choses not to. I can not think of a time when she asked to take sd and my dh said no. But I can think of numerous times when she made plans to take sd and then did a no show/no call.

Maybe visitation and phone calls go hand in hand. Maybe if bm saw sd more then sd would be more interested in speaking to bm on the phone? I doubt that getting another phone in our home would make their relationship any better.

Oh ya and I agree with lonepiper and ima, the ncp should be responsible for fostering a relationship with their child! Why is it that it is somehow our responsibility to make sd call her bm and visit her bm? If bm is not showing up for visitation and sd does not want to call bm why is it somehow our fault or problem?

I had a close relationship with both of my parents growing up even though they were divorced. It is probably due to the fact that they both made efforts to spend time with me and call me when I was with the other parent!

Helpwiththis,

I really do not think that you should install a landline phone soley for the purpose of bm calling sd. Your cell phones are more than adequate since you said that sd talks to friends on the cell.

I think the real issue at hand is the fact that sd does not want to talk to bm. It seems like it is bm's fault that sd does not want to talk. I agree with everyone who said that sd should call bm and tell her how she feels. I am sure it will be rough. My sd told her bm she was mad at her not too long ago and bm made sd feel guilty! It was rough, but the conversation had to happen.

"call me when I was with the other parent!"

But BM does call when SD is with the other parent! There is no land line so she calls your cell when she wants to talk to SD. I realize she is not a good mother but she tries to call.

Go with what sylvia said ...

Not your problem hand hubby the phone or give her hubby's number ... tell her directly you are staying out of this one .... to call hubby and ask him why ... brush this one off let the child and hubby deal with BM.

My SC's mom provides their cell phone we have a land line and she's only allowed to call hubby's cell if there is a medical emergency ... bleeding and dying need to go to emergency room other than that what ever she has to say to hubby can either be left on land line voice mail or wait for him to get home from work and call the house.... His company blocked her phone from calling his company provided cell phone she has to call his office and they will relay the message. She would call anywhere from once a day to several times a day to change times discuss her day he would tell her I am not going to remember this call the house and leave it on voice mail she would refuse. Then the days leading up to the change she would call to remind him of the changes.... I said wow she talks to you now more than when you were married. If you had had that much communication as a married couple you might still be together.

Neither BM or the SS have my cell phone number and if he ever gets it I will change numbers immediately. If BM every calls my cell I will whip the phone out the window. and get another number.

I am just the SM there is nothing their mother needs me to "handle" for the children that cannot be dealt with by a parent if its a medical emergency she can take them to the hospital or call hubby to do so. If she can't pick up her children she should plan her day better around her children not her children around her day.

She used to have my cell number and call and ramble on about whatever send text messages some good some bad ... after that. I blocked all her calls for the longest time her calls went right to voicemail...now no calls I don't mind when my phone rings now. :)

We have an issue with SS calling mom at midnight and mom calling when ever .... My SC can call and talk with mom up until 8 pm (bedtime) on the house phone after that she can only call the cell which she provides.

And yes all children need to ask to use a phone common courtesy... same as getting in the shower does anyone need the bathroom before I get in the shower?.... can I use the phone? no I am waiting for a call .... sure just be off by bedtime.

You need a landline so that you have enhanced 911, especially if there are children in the home and you ever hire a babysitter or the children are old enough to dial a phone. You need at least one non-cordless phone so it can't get lost.

And as to fighting over who pays the cell phone bill if someone gives the child her own cell, it's only $9.99 a month for an extra phone line under the family plan. What's the big deal?

Whoa. How quickly things can spiral . . . .

Issue one - SD not walking to talk on ANY type of phone with BM. Sylvia is correct on this one - you being involved can only turn out badly. We have had this issue off and on for years, and any time SD wouldn't want to return calls or would tell BM that she couldn't talk long for __________ reason we, and more to the point I, would be accused of poisoning SD, turning SD against BM, etc. DH tried to tell BM SD wasn't restricted she just wasn't *into* a call but it did not matter. A mother would rather believe anything other than her child doesn't want or need her, so she will invent whatever reason she need for the calls not happening. SM is a perfect scapegoat. As Sylvia said - take yourself out of the line of fire. You can't *solve* this problem as two people want two different things and both can't have what they want.

Issue two - *forcing* a phone call. Not the best idea, but I know I would try very hard to push SD into calling so that a fight would not soon come. I would encourage "just a quick call to say hi, let you know you are okay and tell her you love her." I'd even offered that she could call right before dinner and then have to get off to eat.

Issue three - fostering relationships. I believe this is all parent's responsibility. CP should do all they can to allow NCP all provided for visitation (and possibly additional if the situation warrants) allow non-restricted phone/email/letter communication, not say anything if they can't say something nice, and keep their opinions of the other parent, their choices and parenting styles to themselves. I think the NCP should do the same (excepting of course the visitation issue.) These things also apply to any steps in the picture.

Issue four - phones. I am on the other side of the fence. NCP does not have a land line and SD has to ask permission to use the phone to call us. She is only allowed (in her words) to call when she won't have anything bad about BM to say. Example - if BM and her DH are fighting she is not allowed to call. Now that she has a cell we thought it wouldn't be a problem. but BM is apparently making her hand over her cell when she gets there since she used it to call during a whopper of a fight.
IMO, kids should not be allowed to make or receive calls from anyone during dinner, after bed, or if they are in a time out or similar *punishment*. We don't allow calls during homework or family times from anyone except BM. We do ask that all kids ask to use the phone as common courtesy. We don't ask who they are calling, but to inquire if anyone else needs the phone is, to me, the same as asking before you take the last piece of chicken at dinner. Simple manners.
SD has been left at BM's alone w/o a land line before, so I can understand that being a concern. I think the cell only vs. cell and land line is a case by case argument - some families are better equipped to deal with it than others.

The big deal is WE DO NOT NEED a landline phone. I actually called 911 recently from my cell when someone hit my car. The operator told me what intersection I was at, so obviously 911 here is enhanced whether you call from cell or landline.

And $9.99 a month might not seem like a big deal, but when sd starts using cell to talk to friends and text it will no longer be $9.99. And if she uses the phone for talking to friends when we tell her not to what are we going to do, cancel it and then have her bm complain because she would be used to calling sd's cell then? If bm paid cs I could see us putting out extra money on something to accommodate her, but the way we see it is that we do not need to accommodate her. Sd is given the cell phone when bm calls and given messages when calls are missed. That is the same as if we had a landline. And honestly sometimes months go by without a call from bm. So then it would be a waste of money for us, and while we are not broke or anything we just do not see spending money on things that we do not have to.

And as for bm calling my phone that is her choice. I guess maybe she figures that dh works later than I do so she has a better chance of reaching sd on my phone? It does not bother me to have her call my cell and I do not really talk to her when she does call. If she calls from a number she has previously called from it is saved in my phone and comes up on caller id and I just hand it to sd. The only time I answer her calls is when she calls from a number she has not previously called from and then it is me saying hello, her asking for sd, and me handing the phone off. Before the days of caller id parents and stepparents answered landlines when ncp called and then passed the phone to child. Same thing! And before cell phones ncp could call landline and if nobody was home they had to wait for a return call, there are times where people are not reachable. So, if we go somewhere and do not have cell with us and a call is missed it is not the end of the world. And if we are home and cell is in another room and we do not hear it and see the call later it is again not the end of the world. Message is given to sd, same as if we had a landline with an answering machine and missed the call.

So I guess I am thinking this whole argument on how I should have a seperate phone line for bm's calls is just not going to happen in my case. We have a way to call 911 and make phone calls and many homes today have only cell phones. It is not neglecting the child in any way not to have a landline phone. Sure it may be a little more convenient for bm if sd had her own phone, but lots of things would make our lives more convenient and we still do not spend the money on the conveniences.

"The operator told me what intersection I was at, so obviously 911 here is enhanced whether you call from cell or landline."

The phone must have GPS capability - but that is not the same thing as enhanced 911. Enhanced 911 immediately displays the street and house number of the phone.

This site lists a number of potential issues with using a cell phone to dial 911.

If there is an emergency, I want my kids to know exactly where the phone is. I want the house number and street to display instantaneously on the dispatcher's screen. I don't want the call to be disconnected in the middle; I don't want the battery to be dead or the phone not to connect for some unknown reason as it does periodically.

Helpwiththis,

I am not suggesting a dedicated line, I am suggesting a landline in a home where children are commonly there. This isnt just a step issue, this is an issue for children. Maybe the children who live in a home know the cell is, my DD doesnt go anywhere where there isnt a landline phone,

I have seen other posts as to why does a 12 year old need childcare. Well if a 12 year old is home alone, and needs to call 911, I certainly dont want the operator to just know the street intersection.

Oops, I forgot the url:

http://www.state.vt.us/e911/

I've had similar events with SD EOW. I pass the message that was left on the answering machine. She just basically doens't want to call back. I inform her that her mom called and that she wants you to phone back. Its up to my SD to call and we dont believe in forcing the issue whatsoever. If her mom has a problem with it , then she sees her daughter again sunday night and can have a fight about it. But from what i've seen lately, biomom doesn't call either anymore over the weekends. Which is fine with me. She told my SD to F***off last week and called her a few other names. I dont understand how a mother can do that to her own child?

Definition of fostering: "encouragement; aiding the development of something"

I do believe it is the CP's responsibility to foster the NCP and child relationship with the definition used above. That means being open with visitation, phone calls and whatever else is needed for the CP to do involving furthering the relationship.

Example, when my daughter was 3 and wanted to call her Dad, I helped her with the phone as she was too young to do herself.

I think helpwiththis is "fostering" a relationship with the ncp according to your definition. She says dh and her are open to visitation, it is ncp who cancels. They have cell phones which sd uses to call friends and receive bm's calls. Sd could call bm anytime on these phones.

I think that bm needs to do more to foster her own relationhship with her child. Like seeing her dd regularly might go a long way!

fos·ter (fôstr, fstr)
tr.v. fos·tered, fos·ter·ing, fos·ters
1. To bring up; nurture: bear and foster offspring. See Synonyms at nurture.
2. To promote the growth and development of; cultivate: detect and foster artistic talent. See Synonyms at advance.
3. To nurse; cherish: foster a secret hope.
adj.
1. Providing parental care and nurture to children not related through legal or blood ties: foster parents; foster grandparents; a foster home.
2. Receiving parental care and nurture from those not related to one through legal or blood ties: foster children.

I think of fostering as 'nurturing' a relationship. That is more than dialing the phone. It's up to the NCP to nurture a relationship where their child wants to talk to them and aren't be forced to call, by the CP.

Thanks IMA. Your right, if bm had a nurtering relationship with sd then we would not have to force sd to call bm. We do everything we can to nurture the relationship, but just as we can not force bm to do her part to have a good relationship with her child, I do not feel we should have to force child to have a relationship with her mom.