One of the chapters in cooperative parenting is titled 'Letting go or Holding on, Changing my long term role' It's too much to put in one post, so I will put the main points because it was helpful to me. I hope it helps someone else too. This is geared toward both bio parents (co-parents), not so much the step parents.

Letting Go: Because of the emotional turmoil, many people have compared divorce to death, or many deaths. There are seven Grieving Stages:

Shock, Denial, Guilt, Anger, Bargaining/Depression, Hope, & Acceptance.

You may experience them in a different order and may return to one stage more than once. If you seem to be stuck in one stage, you may need professional help to move on if you are to be able to recover from the disruption of divorce.

Handling Memories:

After divorce, many people have the misconception about memories from the past. Some people mistakenly believe they have to give up everything about the past or that the past should be erased. The wonderful memories can remain wonderful. Those times did exist. They are as much a part of your history as your child's first step or first word. You can still treasure them. The fact that your situation is now different doesn't alter the good memories.

Forgiveness:

The concept of forgiveness can be very disturbing when someone has been seriously hurt. Yet the ability to forgive can help you let go of the pain. When a parent will not let go of a belief that they were not loved, or that they cannot trust the other parent, they imprison themselves and their child to a future of pain. Getting a divorce is painful enough for your child, conflict & tension between you and your co-parent will negatively impact your child's self esteem.

Forgiveness does not mean:

`That you condone the co-parent's behavior.

`Your pain is not real or justified.

`You have to receive an apology or mutual recognition.

`A reconciliation

It will, however, help your family work better. Forgiveness can do more for the person forgiving than the person being forgiven. Forgiveness has the potential for healing the damaged past. Forgiveness is a decision, a choice.

The cost of holding on:

`Attempting to be appropriate with the co-parent, especially under pressure, will drain a tremendous amount of your energy.

`Old pain will blur your vision in the next potential relationship.

`It will eat away at your health and interfere with your sleep.

`It will eat away at your self esteem.

The cost to your child:

The most obvious cost will be the conflict between the parents. You will become stirred up in the presence of the co-parent, maybe even by the sound of his/her name. Even if you are committed to not being negative towards the other parent, it will nonetheless create stress for the child. Children are like radar; they can read us a mile away. Your words may be appropriate, but your body tension will scream negative messages about the other parent. If your message implies that the other parent is "no good", your child will have to do one of the following:

1. Agree with you and develop an impaired relationship with the other parent.

2. Agree with you now but resent you and your message later.

3. Disagree with you and defend the other parent.

4. Minimize their own needs in order to be equally connected to both of you.

DISENGAGING:

The word we use for letting go of the marital relationship is 'disengaging'. You might think of it as detaching from the former spouse. Detaching or disengaging from the former spouse has advantages. The person can begin to enjoy life again and can start focusing on the future, instead of the past. They can start making decisions that improve their situation and take more responsibility for themselves.

Ways people stay engaged:

1. Engaged through revenge: Being emotionally bound to each other is like having a rope tied between you. When one pulls on it, it causes the other to be jerked in response. Then that one retaliates by jerking back. Each person chooses actions for the sole purpose of getting a reaction from the other. The focus becomes hurting the other person rather than getting on with one's own life. (ie. getting involved in tit for tat battles)

2. Engaged through hope: When your life still revolves around your former spouse and you make decisions based on the opportunity of staying engaged with your former spouse, instead of focusing on the child. This prevents you from establishing a new life and can put the child in a jeopardy of emotional trauma if you share with the child your hope for reconciliation. (ie. telling the child you want their other parent back or that you wish you could be a family again)

Letting Go: Making the decision to let go should begin with a temporary 'clean cut'. (ie. not seeing or speaking to the other parent) This solution would be damaging to the children if it continued beyond a few months, but as a temporary measure, enabling a parent to disengage, it can be valuable.

Letting go physically: No longer doing favors for each other. Allow the former spouse to take responsibility for themselves.

Letting go emotionally: No longer expecting emotional support, social support, or even friendship from the former spouse. It means getting your own emotional needs met somewhere else. It means refusing to make decisions based on the former spouse's opinion, no longer sharing intimate thoughts, and not allowing them to push your emotional buttons.