Well I totally agree with Organic, when the child is in your care and you organise a babysitter then that is your business and not the other parents'. The thought of informing BM has never even crossed our mind! And she doesn't ring us about her babysitters either, which is her right. We expect her to look after the kids properly when they are with her, and it is her judgement whether this or that person is ok to have as a babysitter. And if that person is not to our liking than it's stiff sh*t for us really. We actually had a situation a couple of years ago when BM hung out with a bunch of feral people. She got them to look after the skids quite a lot at one stage, and the skids used to dread going to their house because it was dirty and they'd have to sleep on the floor with a thin blanket that stunk like pee. And no I'm not exaggerating.. So FDH offered BM that we can always look after the skids when need be, and we are only 10 mins up the road so it's the same time as to drive to the ferals' place. But noooo, BM was in control of 'her' time and she'd be damned if she'd give us extra time for free, THAT was NEVER going to happen! Very frustrating but you can't do a thing about it. When the skids are with her it's her business. And in Loves case they are NOT dealing with 2 normal parents, BM is a mess, and to inform her is actually endangering SS and the babysitter. That poor girl doesn't need to be harassed by crazy BM. Most of us are here because we are not dealing with a normal parent, otherwise why hang around here if things are fine and both parents are normal? Love don't give BM the babysitters number, no way! BM can ring you guys if there's an emergency and maybe SS can ring her before you guys go, so he's had his phonecall to his mum for the day. And I don't think it's normal she talks to him that much, our BM does the same, exactly the same. She'll neglect the kids when they are with her (used to leave them home alone, go on the piss, promise them heaven but always have a headache when it's crunchtime, keep them out of school, not take them to sports etc etc). But oh boy when they are with us! Constant phonecalls to check if they are ok (it being such a risk to be with us) and making sure we'd take them to sports otherwise she'll come and pick them up herself (MOTY), blabla etc etc. It is controlling and disturbing and I'm frustrated on your behalf that you guys are harassed by this woman so much that it interferes with your normal everyday life. Hang in there, big hug

Hey Ashley, I really like hearing your takes on situations too. You would be one of my top picks to be my stepmom ;) I realize I didnt make that sentence very clear. Many people I have known have either taken breaks from work, quit, took some time off to regroup etc. I've known many people who have used different ways of dealing with stress from divorce and have taken it out on work, mainly because divorce was so popular in my family lol. Also, I've seen just from observation (my field deals with a lot of people and travel, so I think I have a fairly balanced place to observe) where adults take mental "breaks" from work, can't function very well, get fired etc. There is usually something that "gives" when a couple divorces. A messier house, credit card ran up, lose your job. There are natural consequences of divorce on adults, my only point was that there are going to be natural consequences for children. If one or both divorced spouses have a hard time finding their footing after separate, chances are they aren't going to be quite that rock for their children. The chances are high than the child is not going to be able to function as well as before if this is the case. It is only natural that school will be something that could "give" in the childs life. It is one of the only things they can actually control. They can control how little or much effort they put forth and how much room they allow school into their head. If their head is too clouded with what is going on in their personal life, not much room for school. Just like parents and work.

Thanks to all for a clearer view. Kathlene, No, I am not the same person as mom of 4. I am fairly new here. I found this forum at my witts end with my SS and my previous posts pertain mostly to him. Background with this child, and my ex.. we married young for all the wrong reasons. As teenagers we were responsible a lot for his 2 year old sister. As a result we honed in our views on parenting before our child ever came along. 15 years later I think of him as a brother, we talk on the phone frequently. He has always been involved in our daughters school, sports, daily life. Although from time to time we disagree with each others life choices we almost always agree on her, what we want for her, and how to guide her. It is in no way a situation where he is unfit, uses poor juggement, or can't afford to keep her...he's a good Dad. Because he's always been a good Dad I don't feel a transfer or more equal share in residence would translate to "throwing her away". When parents are equal in love and capability for a child who says "the moms is a better home?" I can see when she was younger she needed me more. Now, I'm not so sure. kkny, I am a bit unsure what you mean by "people attribute difference to better parenting not externalities" could you please explain?

Ashleys X can dethrown my ex who certainly earned father of the year in 2007. I don't want to hijack your post, just share with you my similar experience... When I was 8 months pregnant with my son, his dad quit his job because they wouldn't give him e/o weekend off for his visitation with his then 3 yr old daughter. He didn't work for the next three years. He was a SAHD to our son..Really he had a 3yr vacation to smoke pot and play video games--After 3 years I'd had enough and left. He claimed he couldn't afford to stay and would have to move cross country to live with his parents and of course... I was the worst person in the world for taking his son away from him. So, figuring I'd been supporting us all for 3 years anyway I didn't need him to pay child support. I took the state minimum $25 mo told him to get a job, get on his feet here, and we could reevaluate in 2 years. For 3 years all I heard was how poor he was, how he couldn't afford anything when I took him back to court I found in 2006 he made $47,000 And paid $300 in support-for the whole year! All the while sending my son home in rags that were too small and keeping the clothes he arrived in to refresh his wardrobe there. Sorry, I'm a little off track here..when it came time for modification he gave the first judge a sob story about how he didn't have time to fill out any of the paperwork he'd gotten. He had the same 20 days I did but whatever the judge gave him an extension-but my ex wasn't available to come to court one month later- because he would be on vacation with the kids out of state so the judge gave him two months :) I was hot, but to pacify me the judge ordered he pay $100 for each of those months. DCS distributed it to his daughter-whatever. So 2 months later we show up in court again the judge orders him to pay around $500 and he starts running his mouth about his other children he pays support for....His 18 year old son who he no longers owes support to, and the daughter that he pays $56 month for!!!The judge didn't find that any reason to discount his support to this child so he started complaining about childcare telling the judge that he wants receipts for my daycare expenses because I leave our son with my then 12 yo daughter totally implying that I'm a bad mom. WHAT AN IDIOT!!! Child support and Daycare are two seperate issues here. In the three years we were separated I never asked him for a dime for our son for anything, not daycare, a pair of shoes, not a cough drop and for him to try to smear me infront of a judge got me so angry when the judge ordered $465 for support the state's attorney recommended an incremental increase so I'd get 1/2 for 3 months before I got a full month and I said NO and asked the judge to say NO-she did, then she ordered he pay that full amount back to the day he didn't have his paperwork ready. Then I went home and gathered all my daycare receipts and mailed them in for my 58% reimbursement, and recently DS had an ear infection requiring drops that were not covered by insurance- the cost $73. You bet I sent that receipt to DCS too. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about what I get from him now -- then I remember how hard it was for me all that time on my own, that our son wasn't worth 1% of his 2006 income and I think of him rambling on in court and I feel just fine. And my X has not once since then whined about being poor. I know it sucks to do with less for now, especially in these hard times and I'm sorry. Hopefully in a couple years he'll have a better job and you can modify and he will pay more-in my state it costs more to raise a 12yr. and support is greater.